I meant to do this a few days ago. But I didn't. Something was stopping me, maybe the smell of defeat? Now I realise that this isn't defeat. This is admitting that I was wrong in a lot of the things I said. This is me apologising to you, because you deserve it.
Before I start though...I just want to say, that this is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write, because it's coming from the heart, and I'd really like to get it 'right'. So if my prose is not as eloquent as I'd like it to be, forgive me.
I just finished reading your reply to pyro's post. What can I say? I believe you are right in almost everything you say. In your post, you have not only hit the nail on the head, but you have done it with such insight and honest feeling...I have seen a side of you that I have chosen to ignore for a long time.
I believe this to be you. I now know this is you.
Deep, once, you and I had an amazing conversation, well from my end it was...I listened to you. I took things you said to heart, and while I may not have seemed to have learnt anything from it, in retrosepct I can see that you were right about so many things. Perhaps I took too long to learn the things that you were pointing out to me. I know you tried to help me, you did. How I could have forgotten the care you showed me, someone you didn't even know...well I totally misplaced that 'deep'... he didn't exist anymore...
WHY? In the post of yours a while back..the one where I was a 'laughable defender', I had liked and respected you deep, but you hurt someone I, at that point, cared deeply about. In hurting that person, you indirectly hurt me. I know this wasn't your intention at all, but I raised my defenses, and fought with all my might to protect that person from your 'truths'. Maybe I was scared, maybe I saw your validity. In fact I did. I opposed to your tone. Now, I realise, again, slightly too late, that maybe it 'was' necessary. You have to understand that no-one likes to have every single one of their faults pointed out to them, especially if they are ones they have no control over, they pretend like they do, but deep down they know that isn't true. So they defend with all their power...I was defending too, it was a reflex action.
That's what made me change what I thought about you. Stupid, I know, but after that thread I thought you were a cruel, uncaring bastard who was just out to belittle all those around him, more specifically, someone who mattered so much to me.
Then you went away. For a while, I talked to someone who knew my feelings about you... I listened when they told me how caring, thoughtful and genuine you are. I suppose I didn't want to believe it. That would mean you were right...I didn't want you to be right.
So then I was ready to pounce. I was sure that everything you ever wrote had negative undertones, I was sure you had issues, wanting to take them out on everyone else, as a kind of outlet.
I didn't see your humour, because I didn't want you to be funny. I didn't read your 'helpful' posts, because I didn't want to admit to your knowledge and intellect. I was stupid. The light I had once viewed you in changed, for all the wrong reasons, but it changed nonetheless.
Then the BIG BAD thread came along. I was out of line. I should never have picked that fight. I did. I picked it. Had I been in a different mood, I could have so easily posted a reply quite like yours. People warned me not to reply to your post. Told me I'd end up looking stupid. BUT I was so intent on proving myself to you (something I now know was completely worthless), that the post wasn't about arguing over what was right...it became a battle of the wits. You see deep, I hate feeling inferior. Especially when it comes to proving my own intellect. It seemed like no matter what you posted, you came off as intellectually superior to everyone... maybe you are. Maybe I was bitter. You can just belt out these amazing replies, probably without even thinking too hard about it. I guess maybe I was after some kind of approval. *I* wanted to be thought of as smart as you. So I decided to do battle. Stupid again.
Anyway, I didn't think anything I could say would hurt you. I thought you were an unfeeling bastard remember? So I let loose. I let the personal insults fly, and for that I'm sorry. I just didn't think it would phase you. This may be presumptuous of me to think that maybe I did hurt you, but if that's true...then I am extremely sorry. I didn't expect the whole thing to get so out of hand. I honestly didn't. I didn't mean to invite a whole host of 'attackers'...but even when they did, I thought you'd handle it with ease...and you did. Didn't you?
I didn't think you were human, deep. I was totally unjustified in my premature judgement of you. Now I realise, after reading that last post, that you DO in fact have feelings. I'm sorry for thinking otherwise.
This apology isn't here so I can redeem myself. I'm also NOT going to sit here and say that I think you're faultless in the whole 'thing', I don't kow you deep. I feel I have a better understanding of you now, but I don't know you. I never will know you. I will not pass judgement on you again, whether it be to decide on your 'goodness' or not. I will simply remain happy in knowing that all previous character assessments I may have made have gone out the window.
DO with this thread what you please. Reply or not, I feel better for it all the same.
I am NOT asking for your forgiveness, whether you give it to me or not is irrelevant. What's most important is that you know where I stand.
sincerely
mona.
Before I start though...I just want to say, that this is probably the hardest thing I've ever had to write, because it's coming from the heart, and I'd really like to get it 'right'. So if my prose is not as eloquent as I'd like it to be, forgive me.
I just finished reading your reply to pyro's post. What can I say? I believe you are right in almost everything you say. In your post, you have not only hit the nail on the head, but you have done it with such insight and honest feeling...I have seen a side of you that I have chosen to ignore for a long time.
I believe this to be you. I now know this is you.
Deep, once, you and I had an amazing conversation, well from my end it was...I listened to you. I took things you said to heart, and while I may not have seemed to have learnt anything from it, in retrosepct I can see that you were right about so many things. Perhaps I took too long to learn the things that you were pointing out to me. I know you tried to help me, you did. How I could have forgotten the care you showed me, someone you didn't even know...well I totally misplaced that 'deep'... he didn't exist anymore...
WHY? In the post of yours a while back..the one where I was a 'laughable defender', I had liked and respected you deep, but you hurt someone I, at that point, cared deeply about. In hurting that person, you indirectly hurt me. I know this wasn't your intention at all, but I raised my defenses, and fought with all my might to protect that person from your 'truths'. Maybe I was scared, maybe I saw your validity. In fact I did. I opposed to your tone. Now, I realise, again, slightly too late, that maybe it 'was' necessary. You have to understand that no-one likes to have every single one of their faults pointed out to them, especially if they are ones they have no control over, they pretend like they do, but deep down they know that isn't true. So they defend with all their power...I was defending too, it was a reflex action.
That's what made me change what I thought about you. Stupid, I know, but after that thread I thought you were a cruel, uncaring bastard who was just out to belittle all those around him, more specifically, someone who mattered so much to me.
Then you went away. For a while, I talked to someone who knew my feelings about you... I listened when they told me how caring, thoughtful and genuine you are. I suppose I didn't want to believe it. That would mean you were right...I didn't want you to be right.
So then I was ready to pounce. I was sure that everything you ever wrote had negative undertones, I was sure you had issues, wanting to take them out on everyone else, as a kind of outlet.
I didn't see your humour, because I didn't want you to be funny. I didn't read your 'helpful' posts, because I didn't want to admit to your knowledge and intellect. I was stupid. The light I had once viewed you in changed, for all the wrong reasons, but it changed nonetheless.
Then the BIG BAD thread came along. I was out of line. I should never have picked that fight. I did. I picked it. Had I been in a different mood, I could have so easily posted a reply quite like yours. People warned me not to reply to your post. Told me I'd end up looking stupid. BUT I was so intent on proving myself to you (something I now know was completely worthless), that the post wasn't about arguing over what was right...it became a battle of the wits. You see deep, I hate feeling inferior. Especially when it comes to proving my own intellect. It seemed like no matter what you posted, you came off as intellectually superior to everyone... maybe you are. Maybe I was bitter. You can just belt out these amazing replies, probably without even thinking too hard about it. I guess maybe I was after some kind of approval. *I* wanted to be thought of as smart as you. So I decided to do battle. Stupid again.
Anyway, I didn't think anything I could say would hurt you. I thought you were an unfeeling bastard remember? So I let loose. I let the personal insults fly, and for that I'm sorry. I just didn't think it would phase you. This may be presumptuous of me to think that maybe I did hurt you, but if that's true...then I am extremely sorry. I didn't expect the whole thing to get so out of hand. I honestly didn't. I didn't mean to invite a whole host of 'attackers'...but even when they did, I thought you'd handle it with ease...and you did. Didn't you?
I didn't think you were human, deep. I was totally unjustified in my premature judgement of you. Now I realise, after reading that last post, that you DO in fact have feelings. I'm sorry for thinking otherwise.
This apology isn't here so I can redeem myself. I'm also NOT going to sit here and say that I think you're faultless in the whole 'thing', I don't kow you deep. I feel I have a better understanding of you now, but I don't know you. I never will know you. I will not pass judgement on you again, whether it be to decide on your 'goodness' or not. I will simply remain happy in knowing that all previous character assessments I may have made have gone out the window.
DO with this thread what you please. Reply or not, I feel better for it all the same.
I am NOT asking for your forgiveness, whether you give it to me or not is irrelevant. What's most important is that you know where I stand.
sincerely
mona.
