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Dealing with no love life

LSDMDMA&AMP

LSDMDMA&AMP

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 6, 2010
Messages
12,829
How can I better deal with having absolutely no love life?
I am 22 years old. Ive only ever been in one relationship, it was with a girl from BL, it ended because of my drug use. I have since stopped drug use and all that, but I havent had anything in the area of sex, love and relationships basically since she left me.
Ive only ever asked one other girl out, earlier this year, she initially said yes but we never went out on a date and i ended up going off to rehab right after i started talking to her.
I am at a loss as to where I am supposed to meet women and all that. I dont have a car right now, i am not in college, i dont drink, and i dont really have friends.
I am not asking about how to go about changing my situation, because i doubt it will change, i am unloveable, and the only person ive ever met whos showed me any kind of affection, attention, and kindness, she doesnt want anything to do with me anymore.
How do I deal better with having to miss out on the human aspect of life? How do I deal with the constant feelings of missing out, and being on the outside looking in? How can I keep from being moved to tears when I see people holding hands, holding eachother etc.?
Because other than drugs I am at a loss for ways to cope, because ive tried lieing to myself telling myself that things will get better for me, and it doesnt work, because for years i told myself that things were going to get better and they never did.
 
Different thoughts --> different actions --> different results.
I am lovable.
I can get a girl. ---> ask a girl out (this was successful, twice you said!) -- get the girl! (no more rehab standing in your way!)

:)

Can you meet someone through work? Do you go out, to a coffee shop? anywhere where you see girls? Have you tried online dating sites?
________________
Being OK with being alone:
You're human. Humans are social creatures! We need love and comfort from others to stay alive and well! There are things you can do to help you kind of deal with the negative emotions and that's get a hobby, get several. Start exercising. Also, try to do these activities outside, where you can get some of that interaction.
 
yeah, being alone is not awful its just boring in one way and free in another

your attitude is super negative and poor me-ish. you need to cut out the reveling in self hate cos its not healthy, get some excercise and go out and meet people. go to a gym - the excercise will kill any anxiety and you'll have hotties to check out.

seriously though what drugs did you give up and how long ago? your shit mood could be withdrawal but if it was years ago then its more likely you have negative thoughts that you keep burning into your head and you need cognitive therapy etc.

do you have a job?

no friends is more of a problem than no girl cos friends pick you up when girls dump you. if all you ever have is a relationship and then it breaks down you are fucked, get a social support network and also work on getting a job you like or just to have money to do stuff
 
^^ what she said. friends are also a good way of meeting someone; most of the girls i've been with have been a friend of a friend. and remember, you're only 22 for god's sake!

via. work, friends and social activities like the gym or yoga classes, for instance, are all much better ways to meet someone than going out clubbing and getting drunk/high (unless you just want sloppy, regrettable sex), so the abstinence thing shouldn't hold you back too much.
 
Ok you're not unlovable, that's mental illness talking. Hell you already had one girl so there's no reason you can't have another. First you gotta ask more girls out, you gotta ask or likely nothing will happen.

Also a high priority. Find help for your mental health problems, namely self esteem. Your actions are what'll get you what you really want and your actions are going to be crippled while your depressed. And like someone else said, you're only 22. You got plenty of time and ability to fix this.
 
So u asked one girl out and dated one and u come to the conclusion that your "unlovable"..little dramatic..why should someone else love u if u dont even love yourself

being alone is alot better than bein in a relationship that isnt right just so u dont have to be alone..i like myself better when im alone..relationships can be too stressful in your 20s when u are still finding yourself
 
LSDMDMA&13335819 said:
How can I better deal with having absolutely no love life?
Click to expand...

By stopping this downward talking self-pity, right now.. and stopping using substances to cope with whatever pain there is.

There's plenty of people on this planet who not only have no love life, but no limbs, money, or real future. You have a chance which many don't. You're 22, you have good time to get your life to where you want it to be.

Get yourself some friends first, otherwise you'll lean on any girlfriend way more than you should.. and that will ultimately suffocate the relationship. Friends will lift you up, give you opportunities to do shit and meet more people (and women).

Finally, a relationship isn't everything.. it's just one component of a persons life, but it should never define it.. one of you will leave or die first, that's a fact. If you define your life by another person then you haven't really lived at all.
 
It just feels so bad that I dont get to have sex, cuddle, kiss, love someone, be loved, go out and have fun wjth a significant other, make them happy, which would make me happy. Its been years since I had sex, or kissed a girl, or got to cuddle, or made a girl happy.
Everyone else gets these things, and I dont, and it feels like I never will again.
 
Fake it till you make it. I understand these feelings of self-loathing you have, sounds like depression (maybe not clinical but circumstantial)

If you have any interests or hobbies other than drugs, that's a great way to meet people. There's also online dating. The possibilities are endless, all you gotta do is pull yourself up by the bootstraps and go out there man. Remember, the worst thing that can happen is she will say "no" but that doesn't mean the next one will.
 
I havent even been able to meet anyone who I like, not since meeting SF. I had a crush on her instantly and she had one on me early on. How can I even love anyone else after her? She is so beautiful in every way, on the outside and inside, and she was so loving and caring, to a loser like me.
What girl could ever want me? Ive been a loser ever since I moved here at age 12. I dont know what it is like to not be a loser, outcast, rejected. Thats why it hurts so bad and why I feel like I will literally be alone forever. No one ever liked me, no one ever wanted to be my friend, other than a few people and even then, we arent that close, other than my best friend, and he is severely mentally ill, and he doesnt relate to people, snd wants to be alone always.
I have nothing to offer anyone. I know I can be loving, caring, and affectionate, but I feel like I will never get the chance. SF saw something in me that noone else ever saw, and noone ever will see.
I hurt her, bad. How can I ever find love again after really hurting someone so dear to me?
You guys dont know what it is like to live a life without any affection. Never a good job llama from my parents, no help from them, noone to talk to, no one supporting me, noone I can talk about how I feel to, noone to help me develop a social life, noone acknowledging my struggle, noone ever said hey, you look good today.
 
I'll tell you something pretty obvious straight up. You have very low self-esteem. And I can relate.

What you need to do is find a job with some social interaction. Not as a desk-jockey or a late night security guard or a stay-at-home something or other; you need a job in a kitchen, or retail, or a charity, where you can interact with people daily and slowly build your confidence back up.

I'll tell you a little something about me. I started working at a restaurant a few months ago after years of shoddy employment in jobs I hated. During that time I had little to no confidence. But I work around a lot of cool people now, and lots of cute women, and communication is a must for the job. It's helped me immensely to come out of my shell and I'm slowly rebuilding the confidence to ask someone out. Earlier today I was tempted to ask out the girl on the bus who was sitting next to me! (Which might have been creepy, but the point is I wouldn't have even thought about it last year.)

Also, certain drugs are going to make finding, attaining and keeping intimacy and love difficult. The worst one is opiates. Sex drive disappears, the desire to connect and listen dies off, and apathy takes hold. You didn't say what drugs you take but they definitely aren't helping mate.

Trust me I know how you feel. I'm a born-loner type, so I'm mostly not bothered by my isolation. Still I know the burning ache that goes a long with not having much affection, connection, and affirmation. These things are undeniably essential aspects of life which make existence rich, interesting, and exciting.

So my advice is to start small. Get a job or pick up a hobby where you have to interact with and communicate with others. Don't place huge expectations on anything too early - just keep it simple. Do things which build your confidence - sport, gym, walk, run, yoga, whatever it is. Cut down on drugs, because addiction is going to impede you here.

I'll end by saying that I actually don't believe that there is someone for everyone. In the perfect world, there would be, but the world isn't perfect. Still you and I HAVE TO try, to get anywhere at all, and you'd be surprised how natural and easy it can be if you lay a good foundation down first. I know what you want: you want to feel like you matter to someone, and that you can give them that feeling in return - and guess what? You're not alone in the desire. There are so many people walking the street right now who would love nothing more than for you to go right up to them and just say hi.

Peace
 
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Ever since I decided that I no longer want a partnership or a sexual relationship with anyone, and have instead devoted all my time and energy to improving my life, I've been approached by way more flirtatious people than at any other point in my life. If you're attached to the idea of finding someone too strongly then it will cloud all your real opportunities for growth because you'll be too fixated on something that you don't truly need to figure your life out. But I guess until you get to the point where you just don't give a shit anymore, it's not going to happen. When I was 22 I was horny as fuck and although I cloaked my desires in relationship goals, really I just wanted to have sex and intimacy with whoever possible. After having some good relationships, and some really bad relationships, I've come to realize that the whole mating came is pointless and if I am to end up with someone else then at this point I wouldn't settle for anyone other than a potential life partner. Really, the best partners come when you arrive at a place within yourself where you really have nothing to lose... because it means you could take it or leave it, and your happiness doesn't rest upon another person's existence.

Your love life is always going to be your private business whether you're with a partner or not. When you have a partner and you love them you're just projecting your own love capacities onto them and attributing it to them, but really that love comes from within. The great thing about relationships is that they are awesome projection tools for showing you where you're at and what you're ready for. It's cliche but if you can learn to be content with yourself then you can carry that forward.

Also, at this point, I would never judge someone for being X number of years old but with no relationship experience. I've seen people who've never had an LTR end up with their life partner in their 30's. All it takes is meeting the right person. Desperation leads to forcing relationships where perhaps they aren't appropriate, which is disastrous. You don't need 10 failed relationships to feel "experienced" and ready for the right person. If anything they just jade you and make it harder to be genuine. The right person will always be the right person regardless of your experience.

Honestly from everything you've said it sounds like you've got some work to do on yourself. If you're wanting love then it means you don't feel the love already and that's a self-esteem issue. Not trying to be hard on you, just sparing you a world of agony. In your current state of woe, anyone worthwhile will probably leave you, and anyone who sticks around will have the same self-esteem issues you have which means it will be a relationship based on insecurity. It's way worse to shack up with someone when you aren't right with yourself and then lose them, rather than just stay single and learn to cope with your own aloneness. TRUST ME.
 
With 7 billion people on the planet, not only is there someone for everyone, there's probably hundreds.

I must confess I really hate it when people say they won't find love because they don't have a good job, don't make good money, etc. It implies that everyone chooses who they get involved with based only on their material utility to them. And yeah, it's true, some people are like that. I also think they're the ones doomed to having their relationship fail. Because they don't have their priorities straight. If someone is right for you, if you truly love them so much it hurts and you will do just about anything to be with them, basically what real love is, then their wealth, career, social standing, none of that should matter at all. If you're looking for love, then don't worry about that shit, cause if they fall in love with you none of it will matter. I had nothing when I met the love of my life nearly 5 year ago. I was unemployed, homeless, had just tried to kill myself, was a recovering drug addict, and almost broke. And out of nowhere, with no warning, I found him. We had been friends for a while and he confessed he love me, and wanted a relationship with me. I agreed, and within a few months, he had me. I have been passionately in love with him ever since, as much today as I was then. You never know when it might happen, but it can happen to anyone even at the unlikeliest of times. So never give up. It is possible and it can happen.

And those people who say "how will/why should anyone else love you if you don't even love yourself", fuck that. That's based on absolutely nothing. It's just one of those sayings that's based on absolutely nothing other than that people say it. I don't need someone to love themselves for me to love them. Why would I? *I* love them, even if they don't. What? If you don't love yourself suddenly you're unlovable? What bs, it's saying that those who need the support of loved ones the most are incapable of being loved, it's crap. I didn't, and probably still don't love myself. But my boyfriend loves me, my mom loves me, my brother loves me. My boyfriend has serious mental health problems and I don't know that he loves himself, but I love him.

So forget that crap. Have hope, it's never impossible. If I can find it, you can too. Just try and have some faith and work on your own problems in the meantime. And I'm not saying not to look for love, but I think letting it find you might be a better recipe for success. If you're looking for love there's a danger of you subconsciously settling for someone who's not the right person, and if you do that then you may be taken when your real potential love shows up.

Take care man, I'm rooting for you. I know what it's like to be so down on yourself, and feel like it's impossible, it'll never happen, etc. I know it feels almost impossible sometimes to let yourself feel anything else. It's a horrible place to be, but you can escape it I promise you. No matter how impossibly hard it feels sometimes, it is possible, you can make it. You just gotta take each day at a time, try and head towards improving yourself and your life. And be ready when opportunities arise. Good luck.
 
Learn to be happy on your own, man. Seems like nowadays people don't take anything seriously, they would rather cop out by telling lies on you.

You don't need women to make you happy. Sure it's nice but you're just setting yourself up for another heartbreak if you expect all your happiness to come from the relationship. Also, I second the idea that opiates will ruin any budding relationship. They kill everything that makes us human..
 
A lot of conflicting advice here OP I'm sure you feel as sure as ever by it all. No but seriously there are good points to take from everyone.

Sorry to derail a little bit unless I'm having a delusion of reference I feel the need too defend what I said which was *not* about simply having a good job that makes good money but having one that instead helps you learn how to interact and communicate with others to build self esteem. If you're going to be single, you may as well be as happy as possible with single life (don't think all of your woes will be taken away with a relationship, believe me.)

Secondly it's fine to have faith that there's someone out there for you with so many of us running around but it's bad to just have faith alone.
 
infectedmushroom said:
(don't think all of your woes will be taken away with a relationship, believe me.)
Click to expand...

Sometimes I think it may even be good to have a relationship go bad.. sort of like an inoculation to show you a few things about yourself and partners.
 
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