My wife and I are both young with three children. So trying to keep an average sex life has been hard. We've been together for five years and of the last three our sex life has greatly diminished. Partly due to the crazy life of having children although I make time and privacy for us constantly. As things started to decrease the became more frustrating. She had a co-worker who's husband and her were swingers. They would have sex with other couples in the same room. Often times trying to create a relationship with the other couple. One night my wife explained that this was all of a sudden a fantasy. I believe that as a relationship grow you must grow and adapt, try new things, etc. The issue came from the fact that I was not involved in this fantasy. She wanted to be used by this couple. During the course of much argument I explained that I had never considered sleeping with someone else without her. My fantasy is a threesome with two women. As we argued more fantasies came out which still didn't include me. The arguments basically ended with her not liking the stance I took and agreeing to not discuss it again unless it became a bigger issue for her. Well of course that happened. So trying to be a good partner I agreed to talk to these folks and exchange pictures and such. I thought that maybe one the initial high of taking to someone new, like when you start a relationship, wood make me feel different. But after the first couple days it just still didn't feel right for me. So again it was put aside. Our sex life still went downhill as more discussion of the other fantasies yealded no happiness for with of us. She wanted to be used by more than one man. She has a few sex toys so I tried to compromise by using them to in a way give the illusion of multiple partners. Doesn't work. She has a fantasy about glory holes. Says she wants to be used. Ok I can do that. No that won't work because I know it's you. Great. So when we get no where she asks if she can have free reign to talk to other men any ways she likes. Im an attempt to be the bigger person I agree. After she talks to a few people and realizes she can't have them she doesn't like it anymore. So the swingers are brought up again. This time trying to be the bigger person I say ok. We'll talk to them and we'll go through with it. Again not at all what I want. So we talk and come Valentine's day I take her for the four hour drive as now we all live apart. We have a few beers and laughs as we have all hung out before. And we agree to try this. My wife and the other woman start it which was great. It was what I wanted to see. Then the otheran became involved and it just killed it for me. I ended up stopping the whole thing which to my surprise they were ALL very nice about. But having made that huge sacrifice for my wife didn't pay off. Our sex life became worse. Again the fantasies that didn't involve me or that I couldn't somehow try to help acheive. Then come to find out she's talking to two men she has sworn were only her friends. One she just let say things to her weren't OK. The other she sent pictures to. So I gave the the choice of me or them because after everything I can't take much more. She agreed and stopped talking to the. Now that you've heard the back story... She had hatred towards me for making her stop talking to them although she says she's surprised I handled it so calmly. She still has the fantasies and desires that don't include me. And says that with where we're at emotionally she can't became intimate with me because her emotions won't allow her body basically. Yet she will masturbate. I know what most men will have to say. But I'm lost. I'm not a quitter. My children deserve happy parents yes but I also can't make a decision I know will take them from me half the time at least. So how do I again be the bigger person and try to fix this.
Dealing with fantasies
- Thread starter Why288
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Pretty_Diamonds
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This encountered happened in Feb. of this year? Nothing since.. but you guys are still not having sex?
We have still had many conversations since about her fantasies and wishing we could have continued and such. One thing I have stressed over the whole three years this has been a subject of discussion is that if we had a healthier sex life I believe I might be more open to things but it's hard to listen to someone at they don't want to have sex with you but have desire of sex with others.
Pretty_Diamonds
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I might be wrong.. but it doesn't sound like you're getting to the root of the issue. The surface is "she doesn't want to have sex with me" and the quick fix is "get sex with someone else". There's something else going on.
You guys have been together for 5 years, 3 children, there's love there, there's something there. Where have all these fantasies come from? There's a need of hers that's not being met. What is it? Her need is not "having sex with other men"... that doesn't make any sense. Her need is not "don't want to have sex with husband"... that doesn't make any sense. What need of hers is not being met that's making her want to get sex elsewhere?
You guys need couples therapy. Like serious couples therapy and explore what's going on.
You guys have been together for 5 years, 3 children, there's love there, there's something there. Where have all these fantasies come from? There's a need of hers that's not being met. What is it? Her need is not "having sex with other men"... that doesn't make any sense. Her need is not "don't want to have sex with husband"... that doesn't make any sense. What need of hers is not being met that's making her want to get sex elsewhere?
You guys need couples therapy. Like serious couples therapy and explore what's going on.
dopemaster
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You two need to have an honest conversation. You need to decide if things are going to work between you two.
Maybe wipe the slate clean and act out your fantasies with just you two involved.
I know this isn't fair but I have had 3somes with women but I won't with a man. I told them all of gate, only one said I owed her something and she had a guy she wanted me to sleep with and I pulled her aside and said "fuck him if you want, but this does change things."
The damage was already done when she tried to push me into something I didn't want so our sex life moved to casual. I am still friends with her and sometimes still sleep with her but I wouldn't date her.
If I had kids and was married and my sex life was going to shit I would talk to my wife. Sounds like swinging isn't right for you two. If you two can't get over it you are going to have to either make an arrangement or move on but you need to think about what is best for your kids.
As a product of parents who stayed together for my sake it did quite the opposite. My father treated my mother like shit and sometimes raped her as she was done with him. I beat him with a baseball bat every time he did it and there was much violence in the household. So if you still love your wife ask her to make things work if she still loves you.
Threesomes usually end with someone in tears in the long run. I suppose it depends on the people. I had a friend ask to swing and he chickened out but his gf didn't and I ended up sleeping with her and my wife and he just watched. It was fucking weird cuz I was like dude fuck her and he said he needed a minute. So the three of us just got it done and over with and came and that was that.
If fucked up his relationship but not mine. My (now ex) wife wanted to sleep with his gf more anyways than him. She probably did it for me but in the end it worked out well for us but it also fucked up my frienship with that guy.
I didn't really care cuz he turned out to be a lousy friend and pulled a gun on me over a drug deal that had nothing to do with me other than I knew the guy he copped from. I called the guy and said he so I got a gun to my head and a knife to my gut because of the other day, I really would appreciate if you could sort this out for me and yeah he gave the guy his money back despite him doing the drugs because well the guy had a fucking gun and he had a friend with a knife and it just wasn't worth anyone getting hurt over.
I think he just decided to start some shit. So yeah things like that can lead to bad things happening. So not everyone is mature enough to take sex like that as an adult. If you chose to do things like that you really can't get all pissy about it. It doesn't sound like your fault OP, it sounds like your wives.
That being said you two are going to have to put it behind you, I wouldn't do the same thing again and expect different results especially if the other people involved were pretty cool. I personally wouldn't get into swinging and threesomes I dunno, it is fun sometimes but I would rather just be with someone I could be happy with sexually without all that jazz.
It is one thing to get into it with someone openly bisexual and if you are into threesomes it can be a good thing but rarely does it work out well for everyone involved. I can handle it because I know what I am getting in to but jealousy can be a problem to say the least.
I ain't really proud of this story but I am telling it to so you can see just how bad things like that get when someone can't handle the choices they made.
Maybe wipe the slate clean and act out your fantasies with just you two involved.
I know this isn't fair but I have had 3somes with women but I won't with a man. I told them all of gate, only one said I owed her something and she had a guy she wanted me to sleep with and I pulled her aside and said "fuck him if you want, but this does change things."
The damage was already done when she tried to push me into something I didn't want so our sex life moved to casual. I am still friends with her and sometimes still sleep with her but I wouldn't date her.
If I had kids and was married and my sex life was going to shit I would talk to my wife. Sounds like swinging isn't right for you two. If you two can't get over it you are going to have to either make an arrangement or move on but you need to think about what is best for your kids.
As a product of parents who stayed together for my sake it did quite the opposite. My father treated my mother like shit and sometimes raped her as she was done with him. I beat him with a baseball bat every time he did it and there was much violence in the household. So if you still love your wife ask her to make things work if she still loves you.
Threesomes usually end with someone in tears in the long run. I suppose it depends on the people. I had a friend ask to swing and he chickened out but his gf didn't and I ended up sleeping with her and my wife and he just watched. It was fucking weird cuz I was like dude fuck her and he said he needed a minute. So the three of us just got it done and over with and came and that was that.
If fucked up his relationship but not mine. My (now ex) wife wanted to sleep with his gf more anyways than him. She probably did it for me but in the end it worked out well for us but it also fucked up my frienship with that guy.
I didn't really care cuz he turned out to be a lousy friend and pulled a gun on me over a drug deal that had nothing to do with me other than I knew the guy he copped from. I called the guy and said he so I got a gun to my head and a knife to my gut because of the other day, I really would appreciate if you could sort this out for me and yeah he gave the guy his money back despite him doing the drugs because well the guy had a fucking gun and he had a friend with a knife and it just wasn't worth anyone getting hurt over.
I think he just decided to start some shit. So yeah things like that can lead to bad things happening. So not everyone is mature enough to take sex like that as an adult. If you chose to do things like that you really can't get all pissy about it. It doesn't sound like your fault OP, it sounds like your wives.
That being said you two are going to have to put it behind you, I wouldn't do the same thing again and expect different results especially if the other people involved were pretty cool. I personally wouldn't get into swinging and threesomes I dunno, it is fun sometimes but I would rather just be with someone I could be happy with sexually without all that jazz.
It is one thing to get into it with someone openly bisexual and if you are into threesomes it can be a good thing but rarely does it work out well for everyone involved. I can handle it because I know what I am getting in to but jealousy can be a problem to say the least.
I ain't really proud of this story but I am telling it to so you can see just how bad things like that get when someone can't handle the choices they made.