Mental Health Dealing With Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression & Triggers

[Sytryan]

Hey all,

Just a little back info on myself, I fell into a deep depression when I was 18 (which I did not think of as depression at that time) and started having anxiety attacks - I was never a very social person in college and isolated myself mostly - and eventually started skipping school as I couldn't stand the anxiety and spent a lot of time in an abandoned graveyard near my school. After reaching a certain point, I couldn't take it and started self-harming and managed to keep all of it a secret from my family & friends (except close ones) till my family found my bedsheet with numerous blood stains and some of my clothes with blood and I admitted to it.

Saw a psychiatrist and they diagnosed me with depression & panic disorder. I then saw another psychiatrist who diagnosed me with borderline PD after seeing me regularly for close to a year and ruling out Bipolar disorder. I did quite a bit of research into BPD and I saw quite a lot of the patterns & behaviours in my own life.

Now, I'd say things have definitely improved from where I was at 2016 and have begun doing lots of volunteer work, taken up public speaking, experimented with martial arts for a bit and can say I'm way more confident to socialise with people now and don't isolate myself like last time though if I am in huge crowds at events etc I tend to freeze up internally and after awhile it becomes hard to deal and I tend to run away from such situations.

For those of you who know about BPD, know that erratic mood swings are part of it, and my moods go wild like when I'm in a 'depressed' space I go all the way down to feeling suicidal, unbearable, isolating myself from the 'world' and self-harm occasionally to take the edge off but a day or two later those thoughts go away and I go into a more 'stable' headspace - I am able to be more productive and get things done. Now, I have mentioned this in another thread, to deal with all of these I use benzos (lexotan, Xanax, Klonopin etc) multiple times each week and have been doing so for the past 7 months, for without it I do not know how to deal with the anxiety and feel like a part of me is dying off if I stop the benzos (I am not physically dependent). Finally I have started seeing a psychologist after running away for months thinking I can do it all by myself, so I'm really hoping it'll help to an extent and am ready to get as much value as I can from it.

- For those of you who have BPD or mood swings, how do you deal with the extreme low moods and still be productive without isolating, getting high/drunk etc?

At the same time I know very well I cannot take benzodiazepines 'as prescribed' like some of my other friends who can keep a bottle of Xanax untouched for a year except for a pill or two during unbearable situations. For me, no matter how large or small the dose of pills are, I finish it in one day when I always promise I'll 'take some tomorrow' - It's like after popping one pill, I just automatically pop the remaining 10 as well. So consciously I know I just cannot take benzos unless I am in some highly controlled environment like a hospital or rehab centre.

One more thing I'd like to bring up that has confused me since I was a child is being triggered by a certain person. Since I was a child to now (22 years), I get triggered by my uncle's presence and whenever he comes over to visit my family, I can feel my mind going blank, heart beating fast and can't stand it - especially if he's physically close to me. If he stays at my house for too long, a few times I felt like I was losing my mind just by his presence even though he was doing nothing to cause it and was just talking to other family members. I've tried to talk myself out of this and feel like I am a weak & soft person for feeling this way around him but the instinctive responses just kick in when he's there and I can't seem to shake it off. He's a good person but I never really liked him since I was a child as he used to hit me a lot to discipline me and though I was in the wrong and admit that, it just made me withdraw into myself and around him I freeze, and it's very frustrating.

- Any one experienced similar stuff with people and any ways you may have used to get over it?

I know this post has a lot and is quite messy but I'm quite desperate. I feel like I am very weak for having all these issues and should just toughen up but can't seem to do it..

 

[AmbientXplosions]

I have BPD and shrooms have changed my life. So have sensory deprivation tanks (float tanks)
Those two things got me over ALMOST everything.

if this interests you at all, i can share with you how i went about my journey.

 

[Sytryan]

I have BPD and shrooms have changed my life. So have sensory deprivation tanks (float tanks)
Those two things got me over ALMOST everything.

if this interests you at all, i can share with you how i went about my journey.

Thanks a lot for your response. Yea I am definitely interested in that, PM maybe?
Where I live, shrooms are illegal..

 

[nuttynutskin]

Sounds like your uncle gave you ptsd or something. Getting lightly smacked once or twice probably isn't the end of the world, but it's been shown that being hit a lot (abused) as a kid changes your brain.

 

[Sytryan]

Sounds like your uncle gave you ptsd or something. Getting lightly smacked once or twice probably isn't the end of the world, but it's been shown that being hit a lot (abused) as a kid changes your brain.

One of the psychologist that I saw some time back said I have symptoms of C-PTSD but I never believed it because I thought it would only manifest in extreme situations like severe abuse, war etc

 

[nuttynutskin]

One of the psychologist that I saw some time back said I have symptoms of C-PTSD but I never believed it because I thought it would only manifest in extreme situations like severe abuse, war etc

No, lots of things can cause it...

Corporal Punishment and Trauma

It was spring when Joshua Watson, a sixth-grader at Alvarado Intermediate School in Alvarado, Texas, had an unsettling decision to make -- whether to accept a f

consumer.healthday.com

 

[Sytryan]

No, lots of things can cause it...

Corporal Punishment and Trauma

It was spring when Joshua Watson, a sixth-grader at Alvarado Intermediate School in Alvarado, Texas, had an unsettling decision to make -- whether to accept a f

consumer.healthday.com

oh! Ok..well based on that article I can say that corporal punishment was what I experienced from 7-13. I would fuck up in school as a kid (was a mischievous one lol) and whenever my teacher would get me to show a report to my uncle, my stomach would start churning as I knew it would turn bad at home.

so physical discipline from my uncle consisted of hard slaps in my face , occasional kicks, belting, Caning. And before these episodes I would literally feel like my life was in danger and over time after getting hit I started to rebel and withdraw within myself a lot.

he stopped hitting me as I took care of my own needs but dreaded coming home when I know he’s at home to this day so I keep myself busy with volunteer work etc to avoid him.

but I feel guilty because my family members scold me for speaking out against him and I feel maybe I am an ungrateful soft brat whose just a soft bitch and not a real man.

 

[Sytryan]

My grandmother was my main caregiver as my mom went to work at a young age to provide for my family as my dad was a useless piece of shit.

He treated my mom horribly, took all her money and jewellery to fuel his gambling and drinking habits. I’m Glad he’s a foreigner so I don’t have to see him.

I feel embarrassed to this as well, when I was about 5-6 I would frequent this family friend’s house and they were really cool and loving people. They had 1 teenage daughter and son.

I have one memory of their son calling me into his room and stripping his pants off and exposing his dick to me and asking if I’d like to “see chocolate” but can’t remember after that.

I’ve tried telling myself that this is nothing compared to the sexual abuse that other kids endure that are HORRIFYING and mine is so damn pathetic and lame. No one in my family knows about this except here.

but after that incident I’ve felt less of a man and find myself on guard at all times in public in case someone wants to fuck with me (which is rare and is mainly in my head)

 

[nuttynutskin]

Yeah man, I'm not a psychiatrist but I can say with confidence that you got ptsd. The things you're describing from your past are no doubt what's causing your problems. Have you thought about working with a psychiatrist?

 

[nuttynutskin]

Treatment
Post-traumatic stress disorder treatment can help you regain a sense of control over your life. The primary treatment is psychotherapy, but can also include medication. Combining these treatments can help improve your symptoms by:

• Teaching you skills to address your symptoms
• Helping you think better about yourself, others and the world
• Learning ways to cope if any symptoms arise again
• Treating other problems often related to traumatic experiences, such as depression, anxiety, or misuse of alcohol or drugs

You don't have to try to handle the burden of PTSD on your own.

Psychotherapy
Several types of psychotherapy, also called talk therapy, may be used to treat children and adults with PTSD. Some types of psychotherapy used in PTSD treatment include:

• Cognitive therapy. This type of talk therapy helps you recognize the ways of thinking (cognitive patterns) that are keeping you stuck — for example, negative beliefs about yourself and the risk of traumatic things happening again. For PTSD, cognitive therapy often is used along with exposure therapy.
• Exposure therapy. This behavioral therapy helps you safely face both situations and memories that you find frightening so that you can learn to cope with them effectively. Exposure therapy can be particularly helpful for flashbacks and nightmares. One approach uses virtual reality programs that allow you to re-enter the setting in which you experienced trauma.
• Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR). EMDR combines exposure therapy with a series of guided eye movements that help you process traumatic memories and change how you react to them.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) - Diagnosis and treatment - Mayo Clinic

www.mayoclinic.org

 

[Sytryan]

Yeah man, I'm not a psychiatrist but I can say with confidence that you got ptsd. The things you're describing from your past are no doubt what's causing your problems. Have you thought about working with a psychiatrist?

Well...yea I see psychiatrists on a monthly basis mainly to get my klonopin fix, to be honest, as I am just using the benzos to fix what I'm feeling inside.
I saw my first therapist last week and will be seeing him again the following week.

The psychiatrists I see are more keen on playing around with the medication and are mainly focused on that and don't talk much else beyond that.

I am still shocked I have PTSD. So it doesn't mean I am a pussy and a bitch of a man? I have tried ways to make myself 'feel' like a true man by learning boxing, doing lots of volunteer work with dogs & wildlife as animals calm me down and give me hope. I see myself in some of those shelter dogs I see on a regular basis.

 

[nuttynutskin]

I am still shocked I have PTSD. So it doesn't mean I am a pussy and a bitch of a man? I have tried ways to make myself 'feel' like a true man by learning boxing, doing lots of volunteer work with dogs & wildlife as animals calm me down and give me hope. I see myself in some of those shelter dogs I see on a regular basis.

No dude, as a child that shit rewires your brain. It's not your fault. Those things sound like good interests but you might still benefit from working with a psych to get to the bottom of your issues. Just a thought anyways.

 

[Sytryan]

You’re right. I agree I need professional mental health therapy to deal with my inner issues for they scare me when I try to deal them by myself.

 

[Hezman94]

Its fucking zhitr i mmm got it and i got.all.my benefits stopped and its sent.me.round twist no oner.hdlps.me i ant dven gpt.a cpn the mental heath is a joke

 

[Hezman94]

I see people in chemist beggig for there citalopram and other tabs theg need them they cause wirhdrawal i forgot to take a citalopram i felt weird as fuk.till i did it.makes me think shud i jus fuk some.of these.meds off i cba being adfoctdd to all this stuff when i suffer from shitty life syndrome the risperidone.may help.me cos i feel.luke im asperges and ut.helps autism aggressoon.and that i.got.my dsosability.stoppdd fifnt dven flip.out jus thought fucj it is that my.drpression