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Dead inside

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Nambo

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 5, 2013
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193
Does anybody who is suffering the aftermath of a bad 'mdma' (untested) experience / LTC have the experience that they are literally dead inside? It's like my personality has been erased, my sense of self destroyed, like I have lost my soul. I know this undoubtedly sounds pretty unusual or that I am just trying to use metaphor but this is seriously how I feel. I used to have passions, desires, motivation, sexual drive, the world was my oyster, opinions, I could make plans for the future etc etc. All that was literally erased in one evening where I had a horrific reaction / experience. I now live in limbo, disconnected from everything. It's as if I can only experience my surroundings at a fraction of how I used to. Anybody else have this sensation and can you put a name to this condition? I don't believe it's depression as I'm not depressed I just feel dead inside, like I'm stuck in some emotionless bubble. The best that I can come up with is that this is a depersonalised / anhedonic state. Any thoughts?
 
Nambo I am also in the SE of England (Southampton) and have been through two long term comedowns. I felt exactly as you describe, it's depersonalization and with time it will pass. My most recent experience was from darkweb bought and tested very high quality mdma.

Wishing you well.
 
Yeah, sounds like depersonalization. Eat healthy, exercise regularly, and get plenty of sleep. You'll recover with time.
 
This is pure depression. You say you do not feel depressed, but what is to feel depressed? Feeling sad or down may be called feeling depressed but this is not depression. Depression is a mental illness with a variety of symptoms, feeling depersonalised / anhedonic is a symptom of depression and feeling dead inside is very common with both depression and anxiety disorders.
 
What have you tried so far to get better and what did the drs you saw tell you? If I recall hasn't it been quite a long time already?
 
It's been over three years. I've tried ssris, healthy living, no drugs (not that I used to do them anyway other than the occasion this happened), exercise, mindfulness, transendial meditation, a variety of vitamins, supplements, controlled fasting, CBT. I've seen a variety of doctors with various views but no uniform view other than that experience had changed the way my brain functions and how I experience the world. My mdma experience was however very unusual. I have zero memory of the said evening other than taking the pill, my lips swoll up weirdly like I had an allergic reaction and it literally felt like I had fried my brain. The immediate weeks / months that followed I was literally non functioning and my brain felt as if it had suffered a trauma. In addition to the symptoms mentioned above I also have massive brain fog, tinnitus, blurry vision and much slower cognitive functioning.
 
Wow. Sounds insane.

Has any doctor or therapist actually proposed a solution to the problem? Did you find any clues at all as to the possible cause?
 
Sounds like it triggered a severe depression & anxiety problem.
I had depression before i took MDMA, but it made it far worse.
You might need a more punchy medication combo.. maybe an SNRI, MAOI or augmentation strategies.
 
My mdma experience was however very unusual. I have zero memory of the said evening other than taking the pill, my lips swoll up weirdly like I had an allergic reaction and it literally felt like I had fried my brain.
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Wow! I can hardly guess what happened, but a few possibilities come to mind. One is that you have an unusual vulnerability to your brain being disrupted by drugs (which is why I tend to advise against people who are known to be bipolar or schizophrenic from using drugs.) Another is that you got a bad pill; something other than MDMA that was exceptionally hard on your brain. Or perhaps it was real MDMA, but in a truly huge dose.

I would look for a good psychiatrist (a medical doctor specializing in brain function.) Therapists and general practice doctors are great, but I think they're out of their depth on a problem like this. I would be curious to see what effect giving the dopamine system some support might have.
 
Nambo said:
Does anybody who is suffering the aftermath of a bad 'mdma' (untested) experience / LTC have the experience that they are literally dead inside? It's like my personality has been erased, my sense of self destroyed, like I have lost my soul. I know this undoubtedly sounds pretty unusual or that I am just trying to use metaphor but this is seriously how I feel. I used to have passions, desires, motivation, sexual drive, the world was my oyster, opinions, I could make plans for the future etc etc. All that was literally erased in one evening where I had a horrific reaction / experience. I now live in limbo, disconnected from everything. It's as if I can only experience my surroundings at a fraction of how I used to. Anybody else have this sensation and can you put a name to this condition? I don't believe it's depression as I'm not depressed I just feel dead inside, like I'm stuck in some emotionless bubble. The best that I can come up with is that this is a depersonalised / anhedonic state. Any thoughts?
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I know the feeling bro. I feel completely dead and empty. I don't know who i am, and nor do my family and friends. I've lost my personality, my sense of humour ect. I don't feel depressed, but I am never actually happy. I can't cry and i can't laugh. I'm fairly young, so i am required to do my best at university in the hope of obtaining a good job. I've never been on any sort of medication in my life, apart from iron tablets.

For what it is worth, 'personality' is considered to be as a result of the pre-frontal cortex. So if you did incur some sort of trauma to your brain, that would be the place to look.

I also wonder if you ever tried NSI-189 ? I never did, but that could be something that would 'kick-start' the brain.

Anyways Nambo, as always, i wish you well x
 
yeah man. my friend told me i wasn't supposed to take the entire E pill but I did and I became stupid as fuck for three weeks. No, I mean I actually failed a couple of exams from it. It's not like stims, alcohol, or weed. You can't recover the next day when you using E. It definitely takes a while. Molly hits hard yo.
 
rorymullan said:
Nambo I am also in the SE of England (Southampton) and have been through two long term comedowns. I felt exactly as you describe, it's depersonalization and with time it will pass. My most recent experience was from darkweb bought and tested very high quality mdma.

Wishing you well.
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Hi, how long did your LTCs last? I feel this way and it terrifies me. I don't doubt that I do have at least some level of DP but sometimes i feel "with it", but still dead emotionally. Like, I can't connect with deeper-level emotion, such as understanding my love for my significant other, or looking forward to having a family one day, something I used to think about with a lot of excitement. Would you still qualify this as DP/similar to your situation? I'm so scared of this being my new reality. It's been 2 months and not much has changed.
 
Nambo said:
It's been over three years. I've tried ssris, healthy living, no drugs (not that I used to do them anyway other than the occasion this happened), exercise, mindfulness, transendial meditation, a variety of vitamins, supplements, controlled fasting, CBT. I've seen a variety of doctors with various views but no uniform view other than that experience had changed the way my brain functions and how I experience the world. My mdma experience was however very unusual. I have zero memory of the said evening other than taking the pill, my lips swoll up weirdly like I had an allergic reaction and it literally felt like I had fried my brain. The immediate weeks / months that followed I was literally non functioning and my brain felt as if it had suffered a trauma. In addition to the symptoms mentioned above I also have massive brain fog, tinnitus, blurry vision and much slower cognitive functioning.
Click to expand...

What do you mean "nonfunctioning"? Were you hospitalized at all? I just PMed you, but didn't see this comment before I did so​
 
i feel the same way.. i find that weed helps, except the first weed of the day.. i get too much in my thoughts but after that its cool. molly's too short and the comedown sucks. im on a hangover from it as well lol.
 
I've taken MDMA for 4 years with several months in between each one and my last roll was similar. Usually my come down last 2 days max. It took me almost 2 weeks before I started to feel better. Unfortunately what's done is done, but I would definitely reconsider taking untested anything. Hope you feel better soon..
 
I wouldn't say it's related to mdma (since I had gotten this before I had ever taken subs), but yeah, I would feel dead inside sometimes. Very often this year, actually. It's time to change that. Lol. Or try my best...
 
Hellome said:
Hi, how long did your LTCs last? I feel this way and it terrifies me. I don't doubt that I do have at least some level of DP but sometimes i feel "with it", but still dead emotionally. Like, I can't connect with deeper-level emotion, such as understanding my love for my significant other, or looking forward to having a family one day, something I used to think about with a lot of excitement. Would you still qualify this as DP/similar to your situation? I'm so scared of this being my new reality. It's been 2 months and not much has changed.
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Worst of the symptoms where 6 weeks (at 18) and 4 months (at 29). You will recover, you will feel better and move on with your life. I did a large amount of drugs in between the 2 times I took MDMA and had no issues. Not many stims but a few, loads of weed and a fair few hallucinogens.

Don't take MDMA again when all has passed and you feel better, it's a horrible hell and you and I are sensative to it's negative effect.

Everything you said describes how I felt, I felt like a drain on those close to me. At my worst It was like my brain and body where disconnected, like I was a floating consciousness separate from my body. That sucked.

I didn't really notice many changes the 2nd time, I just slowly started to become more like myself as time passed.
 
Sounds like you are gonna want to try more experimental/spiritual means of recovery if its been three years.... maybe an ayahuasca trip or some sort of experimental ketamine therapy to try and reset your dopamine/serotonin synapses
 
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