Damaging behavior. self loathing

[freesolo123]

Don't know if this is in the right section so mods feel free to move it but its quite a dark topic.

Does anyone put there addiction to drugs down to a sense of no self worth like "I deserve to feel like shit" "I deserve to suffer"? I sometimes feel that my drug use is self sabotaging like im trying to hurt myself, for example after a long period of being on Heroin I get clean and eat right, exercise and take care of myself and when people start saying "you look good" or compliment me in some way I am on some level thinking "I don't deserve to be well" "I'm not worthy of this" and it can lead me to use.

I can take all the bad shit and negativity but when someone is nice to me I don't feel like I deserve it.

Anyone ever had these feelings?

 

[swilow]

Definitely mate. Sometimes I just feel this urge towards self-destruction; there is something freeing in just saying fuck it, I'm gonna get high and fuck the consequences.

Its that horrible feedback cycle; drug use makes you feel weak and builds that self-hatred- yet drugs are pretty much the best tool we have for coping with this self-hatred.

The only advice I have is to try and resist that sort of thinking. I suspect it is our brains way of trying to make drug use seem more neccesary than it is. Don't be too hard on yourself, there is no aim in life and so nothing to fail at- hard to believe, but truth IMO.

All the best

 

[Mafioso]

Distorted thinking is basically universal among people, and it occurs when we let our automatic thoughts go unchecked. For whatever reason, when you are given a compliment your automatic thought is something along the line of "no i'm not, that's not true, i'm not worth it". It might be a good idea to address and explore some of the reasons why you think this way automatically, but even if you don't there is still something you can do.

When these types of thoughts come up, ask yourself if they are true. For instance, someone says "you look good" after noticing you have been clean off heroin for a while. Your automatic thought is "I don't deserve to be well". Ask yourself "is this true, do I really not deserve to be sober and healthy?". Logically, the answer is pretty clear that it is not true, that being healthy isn't really a matter of right or privilege but instead more of a matter of choice and result of behavior. You look healthy because you have made healthy decisions, not because you are deserving or privileged of being healthy. And the opposite is true as well, you(anyone) look unhealthy because of decisions you have made(choosing to use heroin), not because you are undeserving.

There also seems to be some fear of success or comfort with failure going on as well. Change is uncomfortable. Even if it means improvement it is usually a bit daunting. A lot of times it can be more comfortable in the short term to stay in the circle of bad choice and misery than making the positive changes. People stay in bad relationships for the same reason, initially it would be painful and difficult to leave.


One of the biggest changes for me occurred when I stopped beating myself up mentally and started thinking about myself like I would a good friend. Self-talk can have some pretty big implications on your mood and ultimately your life. It wouldn't be very friendly to go around bashing your friend for all his past mistakes every time he accomplishes something but often we don't think twice about doing it to ourselves.

Getting off heroin is a pretty big accomplishment. It might be hard to see it because it just seems like fixing your fuck up, so why should you be rewarded? But even if it is just that, addressing your mistakes is a noble trait in life. And it's not just that.. addiction is a disease. Getting off heroin means you have begun to put the disease into remission. Recovering from addiction is no small or simple task either. You don't have to go around patting yourself on the back, but don't take your recovery for granted. If you look at the statistics of people who recover from drug addiction the outlook can be pretty grim. If you accomplish nothing else, you are still a survivor. Making it through the acute opioid withdrawals is pretty fuckin savage and a challenge some never overcome.

 

[freesolo123]

Thanks for the feedback guys lots of good information and advice, appreciated

Is this the sort of thing therapy can help with like a Psychologist or Psychiatrist? I have never really done any talk therapy but would invest in it if I thought I could benefit.

Thanks.

 

[Shady's Fox]

friends also why you only look at psychologists but maybe you don't trust your friends and the only way to recover it's that you invest time in yourself and fight too

 

[Jabberwocky]

i used to feel like that when i was anorexic.

now i don't feel like i deserve to suffer, but that i'm destined to suffer and nothing will ever change it so why bother. i've been self destructive forever. like freaked people out when i was 4 and genuinely suicidal at 6.

is this not just your addiction having fucked with your head to the point that you're using that to justify using?

as for talking therapy- i did 10 years nearly continuously including an inpatient stint in a hardcore eating disorder ward and you can tell by my posts here i'm a fucking train wreck. BUT i think one thing that hindered it was just going through the motions, because i was struggling so getting therapy is what you do. not engaging with it. not that i am now- i've had 2 ?85 quid drug counselling sessions and lied in both. also on the NHS, the set number of sessions makes it pointless- i did CAT which is supposed to be great for anorexia but my 16 sessions was up before we got to the exit plans. fucking waste of time.

you could try NA- i was really sceptical and initially only went to satisfy others and was sneaking off for pipes all the time. but i've been sober a few times and hear enough that i know some of the people were as bad as me (important for some reason) and it somehow sets off emotions i don't feel anywhere else. and the people are lovely. and its free.

 

[psyfiend]

pm and ill go out. alon3

btw I thought maybe you were the source

 

[Mafioso]

Thanks for the feedback guys lots of good information and advice, appreciated

Is this the sort of thing therapy can help with like a Psychologist or Psychiatrist? I have never really done any talk therapy but would invest in it if I thought I could benefit.

Thanks.

These are the exact sort of things that psychologist, psychiatrist, therapist and counselors work with.

Personally, I would suggest trying to work with a therapist or counselor before going to a psychiatrist, and you probably won't need to access a psychologist unless things are very severe. I've spoken with a psychologist once, but it was only to have a psych eval for legal reasons after a psychotic episode.

I think most are pleasantly surprised by how much changes as a result of just changing one's thought process and outlook. Getting rid of some major cognitive distortions also got rid of a ton of anxiety for me. Too commonly we reach for medications for things like anxiety and depression before addressing all potential causes. Psychiatrist and psych meds have their place and their uses, but I believe they are far too commonly and quickly used.

Working with a counselor or therapist might be more expensive initially but they give you the tools to sustain for the rest of your life potentially. Where as psych meds are often prescribed indefinitely with no termination date in mind, a sort of permanent solution to problems that could likely be temporary.