I agree with you 100 percent. I think that because if my alcohol relapses that I have now become what I consider a realist, which has turned into pessomism and low self esteem in that area.
I have been a successful working model since 20 yrs old . I'm 37 and still working. If it weren't for my job and Source of income I would not be as concerned about keeping this appointment. I know the Devastation of meth now. When I tried it 3 weeks ago, lapse in judgement I was not at all familiar with the drug or any hard drug for that matter besides alcohol. Because of my highly addictive personality and fear of Comedown I have stupidly continued these weeks. It's not even fun at this point. I just become obssessive and research the odds of quitting and any info I can find on the drug. I have read hundreds of posts for hours.
I WIll quit. I have been through horrific, life threatening alcohol withdrawals where I have not eaten or drank fluids for up to 10 days binge drinking. Hallucination dt's etc. But I can easily go months without even thinking of a drink. I am a binger in every sense of the word.
I think I can handle this meth comedown. But.... The relapse rate of meth because of psych affects on brain is what scares me. Just trying to be prepared I guess.
Thanks so much for your advice.
The relapse rate for meth is indeed quite high, however if you compare it to the relapse rate for heroin it will seem less daunting. If I'm understanding you, three weeks ago was your first time trying meth, and then that led to one continuous three week binge? Is that correct? If so then you should really be more positive - the chance of a relapse for meth, and for that matter any drug of abuse, increases exponentially with the length of your habit. Since this has essentially been one long binge you have a very good chance of quitting for good now if you just put your mind to it. Believe it or not, this is going to be the easiest time for you to quit - every relapse will just make it harder to stay away the next time and increase your chances of struggling with meth addiction for years & years to come.
Obviously, I can't speculate on the extent of any damage to your brain that this three week binge has inflicted. As you've been researching it I'm sure you know that meth is very neurotoxic and you can't
binge on meth without sustaining some kind of damage to your neurons. The good news is that at the moment it's likely that this damage is reversible, and if you take care of yourself you have a good chance of your brain adjusting and hopefully by the time you regain homeostasis your mind will be as close to its pre-meth state as possible. However, the more you go back to meth, and the longer you stay on it, the more damage you are going to do. You will inevitably eventually cross the line at which point your brain's neurogenesis will no longer be able to compensate for the damage that the meth has done, and your cognition, your mood & your energy levels will suffer, perhaps forever. The longer you go on the higher the risk of coming out the other side with depression or, even worse, psychosis.
I don't mean to be harsh here, but I'm sure you already realize that as a model your appearance is everything. Your livelihood depends on it. And I don't want to offend you, but at 37 your peak modelling years have already passed. You're going to be competing with younger, perkier & hotter girls all the time. This may not be a problem, you can age gracefully, take care of yourself, and still get modelling jobs for a long time to come. However, adding meth to the equation will soon change that. Modelling jobs available for 40 year old tweakers are going to be few and far between. I can hardly imagine a
worse drug for an ageing model to take than crystal meth. If you keep using meth then it will start to take longer and longer in between binges for the dark circles under your eyes to fade, for your skin to recover and for you to return to looking healthy and attractive, and eventually - it could be sooner or it could be later - the changes to your appearance will not fully reverse no matter what, and you'll look prematurely aged no matter how many cosmetic procedures/surgery you have.
I don't mean to alarm or insult you. Reading between the lines it seems to me as if you're in two minds right now - part of you wants to quit but another part of you is obsessing about relapsing. I know what it's like, I've been exactly where you are now. I could be wrong here, but it appears as if you are reading about the high relapse rate and are using those statistics to rationalize to yourself relapsing. You're framing it in your mind as an inevitability and removing your sense of agency in the matter to allow yourself to use again. You need to get it into your mind that you cannot touch meth, ever again. Your three week binge following your very first use has proven that you're a full on meth addict waiting to happen. Some people can use meth recreationally, and you are not one of those people. Please fight through. It will be a battle at first not to relapse but it will get easier & easier. You may feel extremely depressed & hopeless & anhedonic at times, but all you have to do is not use meth again and you will be moving forwards towards recovery. Your cravings may seem overwhelming at times, but every single time you push them out your mind and say 'No' to yourself, the easier it will become. I recommend going to a local Narcotics Anonymous meeting (or some places even have Meth Anonymous), I've found that N.A. and the 12 step approach to be a huge help and a source of strength and inspiration. Good luck.
