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Could you love a depressed/traumatized person, and how would you know it's real love?

psychedelicsoul

psychedelicsoul

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Could you love someone with severe depression or mental trauma? Let's say a girl/guy with a serious case of bipolar disorder, clinical depression, or schizophrenia? (Keep in mind, I'm only talking about ones who are not a threat to other people) Or even if they don't have an illness, let's say they have PTSD or were victims of sexual abuse that they hadn't coped with?
It's a pretty simple question so there's no need for my traditional walls of text.

Also, if you are in love with someone who is extremely depressed, self hating, or emotionally traumatized, then how do you know it's love? Is there a possibility that you simply pity them, and are satisfying your "knight in shining armor" complex? Is it possible to confuse your egotism towards being a "hero", with genuine love and compassion?
 
This is an interesting question.

I guess, even if the person had the mental and was actually working really hard on trying to heal and get better as much as they can, could you still stay with them, or is the ups and downs of everyday life struggling with this just too much on a partner?

I guess, personally, I have been with someone who was a sociopath, I don't quite know where that would fit on the 'mental illnesses' spectrum, but I am aware of the issues that came with that for this one person, and I stayed with them, fully committed to the end, until they clearly showed to me that they were not actually capable of emotionally caring for another person, they just didn't like being alone. Partner's were a trophy, not something to love and nurture. When that became obvious, I tried to talk and reason with them, that just made them even worse, so at that point, I knew that I was only hurting myself by staying, so I did the only thing I could to keep myself going, which was leave.
I know sociopathy was not a part of your question, but I thought I would add my few cents in and ask my own question. Hope it helps :)
 
Lady Bun-Bun said:
This is an interesting question.

I guess, even if the person had the mental and was actually working really hard on trying to heal and get better as much as they can, could you still stay with them, or is the ups and downs of everyday life struggling with this just too much on a partner?

I guess, personally, I have been with someone who was a sociopath, I don't quite know where that would fit on the 'mental illnesses' spectrum, but I am aware of the issues that came with that for this one person, and I stayed with them, fully committed to the end, until they clearly showed to me that they were not actually capable of emotionally caring for another person, they just didn't like being alone. Partner's were a trophy, not something to love and nurture. When that became obvious, I tried to talk and reason with them, that just made them even worse, so at that point, I knew that I was only hurting myself by staying, so I did the only thing I could to keep myself going, which was leave.
I know sociopathy was not a part of your question, but I thought I would add my few cents in and ask my own question. Hope it helps :)
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Honestly, I'm only interested in sex. I don't ever wanna love... ever... I loved a girl in high school and it was a mistake. For me, I only want sluts, prostitutes, or friends with benefits. I hate love

A question for you is, do you think sociopaths are unchangeable?
When I was young, I was a solid sociopath. It came as a result of bullying. I wanted to kill people so badly, that I punched puppies and took my anger out on torturing small animals.

I think the strongest change came when I cast a spell online to make another kid suffer... And it worked. A week later he went into surgery. He was there for days due to complications on the part of the doctor. It was a gall bladder eruption...
At first, I was so happy... I felt like I got my revenge and he deserved to die and I wanted him to die.

However, when I saw how much other people were saddened by the possibility, I prayed to undo what I did and in a few days, he was out of the hospital
(the moral of the story... don't fuck with me)
 
If you're incapable of loving then most likely you'll choose people who are incapable also, consciously or unconsciously. Personally though I wouldn't. First rule of business is if you don't believe in you I don't believe in you and relationships are the same. I wouldn't let the mother of my children be raised by a severely mentally handicapped mother also. I just don't see that as healthy for them and would much rather avoid possible future implications such as the incompetent mother winning them in custody. If they were to acquire ptsd or something of the sort far down along in the relationship then that's more complicated but I'd steer toward leaving for a number of reasons. Depends on their attitude and such but if they seize to be the person I feel in love with I'd probably leave.
 
Not really a simple scenario but if you do not wish discussion then TL;DR = yes
 
Yes of course I could. My partner had depression. I didn't see a lot of it because it was mostly with his ex. Not that it was all me or anything but his lifestyle changed after his ex and when he started dating me and, because of the new lifestyle, he was not as depressed. Oh he still has his moments. But I love him no matter what.

More the other way, I have enough issues - anxiety, OCD, ADD, previously had depression (years ago although it still comes back once in a while). And my partner loves me still.

I could not be with someone that much if I didn't actually love them.... if I just "pitied" someone, it would be a very different feeling.
 
I believe love has absolutely no bounds. It can bloom anywhere, and for anybody. Its only limits are those we set, and even then we might be helpless to it.

As far as how you know, that's tricky. A girl I felt I was very much in love with was a seriously dysfunctional borderline. In the end, before she abandoned me, she told me she loved me. I responded by telling her that our love is as real as she is i.e. referencing a time she said that she is totally fake (as in hair extensions, boobs, tan, nails, makeup, etc.). So if she was real, then so was my love for her.

Not sure if that helps at all.
 
llama112 said:
Yes of course I could. My partner had depression. I didn't see a lot of it because it was mostly with his ex. Not that it was all me or anything but his lifestyle changed after his ex and when he started dating me and, because of the new lifestyle, he was not as depressed. Oh he still has his moments. But I love him no matter what.

More the other way, I have enough issues - anxiety, OCD, ADD, previously had depression (years ago although it still comes back once in a while). And my partner loves me still.

I could not be with someone that much if I didn't actually love them.... if I just "pitied" someone, it would be a very different feeling.
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So what does it feel like to be infatuated with someone, and to love someone? I understand if love and infatuation are both abstract concepts that can't be described. I think I was in love with a girl once, but I'm not sure if I was just infatuated with her. I know my ego destroyed everything in the end, so I've been given up on trying to feel love. So for that reason, I have no idea if I was in love or not. I guess I just don't understand the feeling.

Vados said:
I believe love has absolutely no bounds. It can bloom anywhere, and for anybody. Its only limits are those we set, and even then we might be helpless to it.

As far as how you know, that's tricky. A girl I felt I was very much in love with was a seriously dysfunctional borderline. In the end, before she abandoned me, she told me she loved me. I responded by telling her that our love is as real as she is i.e. referencing a time she said that she is totally fake (as in hair extensions, boobs, tan, nails, makeup, etc.). So if she was real, then so was my love for her.

Not sure if that helps at all.
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One thing I could never understand is the things people will tolerate and the lengths people will go to in order to find and keep love. Is it really worth all that? Being in love must be like being high 24/7 for people to value it that much.
 
psychedelicsoul said:
One thing I could never understand is the things people will tolerate and the lengths people will go to in order to find and keep love. Is it really worth all that? Being in love must be like being high 24/7 for people to value it that much.
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I didn't tolerate the relationship because I loved her. I tolerated it because I was weak. I will always remember that I stood with her because I couldn't bear the thought of her not being in my life. *note fear of abandonment. What love did for me in this situation was intensify the pain caused from her actions, inactions, and reactions while being too weak to leave it. I'm quite sure any abuse victim with 20/20 hindsight would agree.

There are many types of love, and each stronger than the other. Romantic love is really high up on the scale of intensity, and when this person makes you feel good, it is one of the most amazing feelings in the world, and it is addictive. But when this person hurts you, it is devastating, and for some reason, this pain can also addictive. Some people seek euphoria, some people seek dysphoria, and some people seek both.

I don't want to make love out to be something as simple as a magnifier and a stimulant. It's much more complicated can that. But in the situation you described, that is how it plays its role. As far as being worth it. I'd imagine it is for those who experience the euphoric side of love. But for those of us who are only pained by love, I am really not quite so sure.
 
psychedelicsoul said:
So what does it feel like to be infatuated with someone, and to love someone? I understand if love and infatuation are both abstract concepts that can't be described. I think I was in love with a girl once, but I'm not sure if I was just infatuated with her. I know my ego destroyed everything in the end, so I've been given up on trying to feel love. So for that reason, I have no idea if I was in love or not. I guess I just don't understand the feeling.
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I don't even know how to describe it. Infatuation only lasts for so long. Kind of like the "honeymoon" phase in a relationship, where everything seems perfect. This could last even a year. But once you get to "reality" with this person and still deeply care about each other in more than a physical way. That's not all. I'm attempting to describe it but it's hard. It's hard to know when infatuation becomes love or if it even does. If you don't KNOW that you loved this person, you probably didn't.
 
How I experience and dissect "Love".

to love is to feel something good inside, and react from that feeling.
to be loved is to receive a act of good, and gain feelings due to that action.

Yeah, sorry. Love is complicated for me, as it is both a feeling and an action.

When I feel love towards someone, it's that squishy, Disney love. When I think about them for no damn reason. This will spur me to communicate with them, to do nice things for them. Make them smile, make them a coffee, send them a stupid email, ask about their day even when I know exactly how it was.

Feelings leading to an action.

When I feel loved, it's due to their actions towards me. A call or text from them. Breakfast in bed. The whites separated from darks in the laundry, a smile. This creates the squishy odd stuff inside me.

Their actions cause me to feel

If your love to her causes you to want to please her, and her actions towards you cause you to feel something deep inside, then it's love. Regardless of their personality, brain patterns, morals and thoughts. Regardless of how intense the feeling, or how major the action.

Side note: My longest relationships have never been a case of "staying in love", but more of a "falling in love over and over again".

xo
 
My ex wife was schizoaffective, I loved her. My long term (now ex) girfriend after that was bi-polar, I loved her. My current girfriend has depression/anhedonia, I love her.
 
To me love is love, ugly bits and all. I'm a long term MH sufferer & addict but I'm lucky enough to have had my hubby for 15yrs now.
He doesn't have any MH issues or AOD issues but he's hard to deal with sometimes too. Life is what you make of it IMO.... The good, bad & ugly occurs to the best of us!
 
I think it depends on how serious they took their issue and how active they were in seeking treatment. Could I be with someone that has a severe case and goes off of their meds every three months? No.

I'm married and don't really have any intention of being with anyone else though, so I can't really say for certain what would happen.
 
I don't think punching puppies and torturing small animals is gonna get many women to drop their panties for you OP.
 
I happen to know a guy who is on all sorts of substances maybe everything but opioids, along ofcourse goes a very sad and heartbreaking story.
Basically every reason to be unhappy with yourself but if you would see this guy! Always happy, seemingly succesful, charming/likeable.
Even thou he has loads of guys to hang out with and lots of female attention he never manages to get an actual (long term/meaningful) relationship.

The point I'm trying to make here is that even if a person seems to careless and uplifted, even deep struggles withing can maybe 'block' you from letting someone in. Maybe even more so important, afraid to let yourself in.



I could have told a similar story about myself but I'm usually not hiding behind a big smile or smthing like that, just wanted you to know this is not 'SWIM'
 
psychedelicsoul said:
A question for you is, do you think sociopaths are unchangeable?
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Having read through your story, and from what I now of psychopaths and sociopaths, you are not a true one of either. True psychopaths and sociopaths do not ever really regret what they do, and they do not do horrible things for a period of time, they do it forever, because they are lacking in the range of emotion and understanding that 'normal, healthy' people have. It is a disability in their learning of human interaction and response from a very early age. That is to my understanding, put into a nutshell. I understand you to be someone who was badly hurt and lashed out as a result, learnt better and moved on to a degree. You have the normal emotional response and regret that a true psychopath and sociopath doe snot have. They UNDERSTAND these emotional responses and use them to their advantage.


BornAgainYogi said:
I wouldn't let the mother of my children be raised by a severely mentally handicapped mother also.
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Also, the fact that a lot of mental disabilities can be hereditary, causing further problems to the next generation etc
 
It's an extremely different & difficult thing,-suffering from ptsd or major depressive illness/sociopathic/psychopathic disorders.... & loving a person who lives with such.
 
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