Could use some perspective

[rast4man]

First off, I'm a 39 y/o man and quite frankly, have had a really shitty year. Financially, emotionally and struggles with alcohol and drugs. I really had my shit together when I met the woman of my dreams and now, it is dangling by a thread...

So, her and I have been together a year and a half. We have had struggles and opposition since the beginning. I've never been married nor had kids and she has kids and has been married. I started getting depressed because of my financial situation and we started fighting constantly. We broke up for a month and got back tigether but sadly, started using together and it just destroyed us. We both know that was a large part of where we are now but now everything, literally, is all being brought up. We haven't had any affection in a week which I attributed to the stress levels and it just doesn't get better.

I try to make small talk and it's akward. I've tried to tell her how much I love her and how committed to changing things on my end but she just says she doesn't know if she wants to be in this relationship any more. That hurts. I guess I'm trying to convince myself and her that there is always a chance. She just can't get into any type of positive mood. She tells me she loves me and will kiss me goodbye on occasion but damn do I feel alone.

I get to talk to a counselor tomorrow to start a plan on what I need to do in order to find my happiness and figure out what needs changing. She is seeing someone as well tomorrow so who knows what will happen. Right now it just sucks. I love her and her son that lives with us part time and I really want her in my life. I just don't know what to do...any ideas?

 

[Ziiirp]

That is a hard situation. There are too many variables. What did happen, that you lost your job, was it self-imposed ? Did you introduce her to hard drugs or was she experienced already ?

From my experience the woman will not want be together with someone for a prolonged time, who cannot provide for food. She may find excuses for leaving but in the end it breaks down to her survival instinct for her and her child.
Most women are that insecure, that even if they don't love or even like their partners anymore, they stay with him, as long as he provides for her family and is good to the kids.

So my bet is : If you find a new job, she'll come back.

 

[rast4man]

That is a hard situation. There are too many variables. What did happen, that you lost your job, was it self-imposed ? Did you introduce her to hard drugs or was she experienced already ?

From my experience the woman will not want be together with someone for a prolonged time, who cannot provide for food. She may find excuses for leaving but in the end it breaks down to her survival instinct for her and her child.
Most women are that insecure, that even if they don't love or even like their partners anymore, they stay with him, as long as he provides for her family and is good to the kids.

So my bet is : If you find a new job, she'll come back.

I quit my job on account of not enough hours and a GM that I just didn't get along with.

I am currently employed but it is not season where I am and it is slow. I am looking for another job immediately.

As for drugs, she is experienced and I wasn't really. I wanted to do them together and thought it would be fun. Yeah, lots of fun.

I want to provide, as a man, it's been tough for both of us as our respective industries rely heavily on our season clients. I do feel like a failure I can't provide and it is tough.

 

[Ziiirp]

I did not mean to call you a failure, quite the opposite.

The "problem" is, the circumstance, that she has a child to feed will always imply, that being financially stable is a minimum requirement to start a relationship with her. You have to decide, whether you want to be the father figure for the child + her lover or just her lover and kind of tolerate the existence of a child. If the latter is your desire then I'd bite the bullet and break up with her because it is just not possible. In that case you should concentrate on your own well-being and be open to new relationships.

If you want this family then your mission is to find a job alternative during the off-season. She will already be more interested in you, when she sees, that you try. At the same time, if you find a lucrative off-season-offer for her field of skills, then you should also push her softly to try it (dunno how old the child is).

 

[rast4man]

I didn't mean to indicate you were by any means, calling me a failure. That statement was mine alone. Realizing that I am not providing is becoming difficult because they need me and I'm not pulling my weight. I know I shouldn't be so down on myself but it's everything accumulated over this month that is starting to take its toll. I am going out and getting a job, I don't care what it is. I need it for myself and also to give some security to my girlfriend. It's a no-option situation at this point.

 

[rast4man]

I need to vent this out. I tried to just let it go for a few days to just let each of us cool off especially since I am seeing someone to talk to tomorrow. That didn't work. We had yet another argument and now it is that she doesn't think she wants to do this now. With this rash decision, I am completely screwed. She managed to help me drain all of what money I had over very foolish and detrimental things, I'm not working a lot right now (off-season) and we live together. I'm really about to lose my.mind.