COuld he be an abuser?

[Lylawinesnob]

I met this man not to long ago, and he is far from a perfect 10, but he has been wonderful in so many ways that aren't connected to good looks. I was surprised at how much I liked him, Im typically very shallow (wish it wasn't true, but it is.) I would have never even spoken to him at a bar. But we met and started talking, and he was amazing. I thought, Huh, maybe my relationships don't work because I have been looking for the outside when I should have looked at what they have inside. But, he tells me he has a girlfriend. And and son. So... that is that I think. But he kept finding reasons to spend time with me. And I kept letting him. He just wanted to talk and I would never have thought that he would be capable of hurting me. Not anywhere within me did I hear a warning bell. But just now, literally ten seconds ago, I got a text message from his girlfriend on his phone. She said she was done with him and for me to watch out because he would latch onto me next, and she sent me a picture of her face all scratched up, saying he had done it, that he was abusive and controlling. Now, I never would have believed this but, I fell into an abusive relationship before. I left him when he hit me for the fourth time, but the first time was one too many. In that relationship, I remember him telling me how much he liked me very quickly. This guy does the same thing. None of the other stuff tho. He has never given me any reason to believe him capable of hurting me. My ex(abuser) exhibited all of the signs listed by tons of websites, but this guy only has the one. He likes me a lot really fast. So, is this a thing? How do I proceed? Do I ask him to explain himself or run like hell. Because I have to admit, even the possibility of him being an abuser makes me want to run like hades himself is chasing me.

 

[Bearlove]

Apart from one text from his 'ex' you have no reason to doubt that this guy is going to be good for you. Not many ex's are going to text you and congratulate you on taking her partner from her and wish you all the best.

Take the relationship for what it is, IF you see signs of abusive or controlling behavior then re-evaluate the relationship.

I can understand why you would be afraid of falling into another abusive relationship but bailing over one txt from his ex seems a bit of an over reaction.

Good luck

 

[placid space]

Well the obvious answer is to talk to him about it and see what he says. You should by now know at least a little bit how an abusive bf behaves, makes his rationalizations regarding abusive acts etc.. I dont see why you couldnt talk to him about it and see what you make of it,what you feel in your gut. And in any case you want an honest relationship and not with a married guy. That just goes nowhere. Are they separated or not.
Also defnitely dont wait for the fourth time this time around but leave immediately if he starts acting abusive. Maybe give him a little test, tell him one night youre going out with your (male) friend or something. Whats his temper like otherwise?

 

[socko]

It could be the classic move by a bitter x. She might be lying and her only goal is to sabotage him. You have no way of knowing how she got scratches on her face.

The only thing weird about him is that he's clingy. That isn't that unusual and doesn't mean he's violent.

One email from an x isnt enough to breakup, but you could show him the email and ask if there is any truth to it. How does he react?

 

[Lylawinesnob]

Well the obvious answer is to talk to him about it and see what he says. You should by now know at least a little bit how an abusive bf behaves, makes his rationalizations regarding abusive acts etc.. I dont see why you couldnt talk to him about it and see what you make of it,what you feel in your gut. And in any case you want an honest relationship and not with a married guy. That just goes nowhere. Are they separated or not.
Also defnitely dont wait for the fourth time this time around but leave immediately if he starts acting abusive. Maybe give him a little test, tell him one night youre going out with your (male) friend or something. Whats his temper like otherwise?

Thats the thing, he has never once acted jealous or controlling. He and I both hate shouting, we talk about everything. Its just what she said... " When he tells you some bullshit, act like you believe it. Don't stand up for yourself or you will regret it." Then she sent me that pic. Hauntingly similar words to my life with R (the ex). I really don't see him capable of it, but I do know that sometimes people can incite out of character reactions. I will talk to him, we talk about everything. He isn't married but this woman is his baby mama. (Which is another reason I think running away is a good option. A KID??) They are irrevocably linked forever. I can't just meet a guy.... oh no.... not this girl!

 

[gmlifer]

Run like hell. He had a women already and still wanted to spend time with you. If the women he was with was crazy he would have already told you.

 

[Lylawinesnob]

It could be the classic move by a bitter x. She might be lying and her only goal is to sabotage him. You have no way of knowing how she got scratches on her face.

The only thing weird about him is that he's clingy. That isn't that unusual and doesn't mean he's violent.

One email from an x isnt enough to breakup, but you could show him the email and ask if there is any truth to it. How does he react?

I kinda think so too... I even tried looking in the mirror and seeing if the markings were in the right place for a right handed male. Turns out, watching CSI doesn't make me better at that stuff. I wish I could talk to him. He has been radio silent all day. The girl also said, "its so fucked up hes asking me to marry him while he's sweet talking you, now he's crying and begging me not to leave" That is exactly how R (the abusive ex) was. He asked me to marry him and cheated on me, hit me and cried every time I was about to leave. Cried and begged me not to leave. Its eerily similar. And I can't get ahold of him. So I have no Idea what the truth is.

 

[Lylawinesnob]

Run like hell. He had a women already and still wanted to spend time with you. If the women he was with was crazy he would have already told you.

He has told me how crazy she is. I have been a friend to him, we haven't crossed any lines we can't come back from. They separated and then she found out she was preggers so they have been trying to make it work. Im not interested in playing mommy tho, or house wife. So I guess in the end... it doesn't matter. It wouldn't have lasted long anyway.

 

[nygiants1313]

If his mother called u saying be careful.....then run the other way. But an ex gf idk. We all know about crazy ex's. I would ask him and watch his facial expression closely and really listen to the words he answers with. Honestly any new guy you get intimate with can be an abuser. Watch how he reacts to certain situations when mad.

 

[ScroogeMcDuck57]

How's your relationship with your dad?
From what you said, you have a behavioral pattern of being attracted to abusive guys. Something about you attracts you to them and visa versa IMO.

I think you should work on yourself before getting into this relationship. Maybe find a guy you think is too nice or wrong for you in a too safe kind of way.

If you want to know how your next relationship will go look at how you and your partner's last relationship went.