Confusion

[MadamLindsay2014]

My husband is a recovering heroin addict, off subs, and still using adderall as prescribed. We've been through hell and back with his addiction and been) months sober.
I drink and sometimes use adderall and he doesn't like it. I find it unfair that he uses adderall not for ADHD but to make it through work and then tells me I shouldn't drink.

Our sex life plummeted around the time he started using heroin but I don't know if it hasn't picked back up because he's turned off by my drinking (I have two small children and after they are in bed yes I drink quite a bit because between the kids, the house, working from home, and going to school online; it's my wind down).

Is it me or him? I'm so confused and we are on the brink of divorce (my choice) because there's no communication left.

 

[Yourbaker]

It is always both of us (you) but we can only change ourselves or give up. Working to change your partner is always a fail, if they change it will be their choice, you can make it easier by going first. He may feel he has gone first and now it's your turn.

With addicts it is a big decision to love us (I'm an alcoholic that almost made it to "homeless"). We can take all the good moments and piss on them because we are stuck. Your husband seems to have begun this journey and wants to change you with him. That's a tough choice. Being an alcoholic myself quitting was like saying goodbye to an old friend but booze was never a good friend so life improved. I've kept weed simply because being baked vs drunk is not even close. I'm a dick drunk, stoned I'm the nicest guy you've met, a bit forgetful but I don't notice.

If you do this journey with your husband it can be great but it will depend 100% on you, his plate is full already getting off heroin. It takes years to be truly free. You may become a bit of a dick from quiting drinking as well so can your relationship withstand that added stress?

Certainly it would help if he was more understanding and didn't make you feel condemned, often newly clean or sober people need a lot of slack when judging others. From their perspective they have been judged their whole life and suddenly get a feeling of entitlement to judge back. This will vanish in most people after a few months. X smokers are the worst IME.