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Conflicted after LSD trip

S

SlipperyEel

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Jun 21, 2017
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I took acid last night, and I was very much conflicted. It was the 4th time I have taken LSD in my life. My trips have always been very positive and have had a profound effect on my personality, tastes, and interests.

But, last night, I began to notice how there is a trend of effects that take place when I drop. I found myself thinking "this again" and "I've been here before", meaning I've had the sensations and experiences before while tripping previously, albeit there were some new visuals and sensations, but ultimately i became very aware that I had ingested a chemical and that these were all drug-induced hallucinations. And I craved reality, because it all felt like there was an illusion in front of my suddenly, when all along I had been convinced of a deeper level of understanding with lsd, and that I could detect metaphysical energy and pick up on things normally out of reach, now it all seems like a product of the drug, a deception.

I have a blast on lsd. I handle it very well and have lots of fun with it, but, I took all of my hits and flushed them down the toilet during the trip. Along with all of my beer and weed. I plan to smash and throw away my paraphernalia and scale as well.

I'm so conflicted because I have so much fun with acid, but I found myself thinking "this ain't me". And I began to think about my dad and how he tried so hard to put me in a good direction in life and I'm doing OK I guess but I felt ashamed and like I disappointed him.

I'm very confused.

I am dating a girl and I introduced her to acid but I only gave her one hit as a soft introduction and she didn't really like it because with one hit there weren't really visuals of any significant nature and it mostly just made her restless and made her thoughts run a lot... I still have the desire to have her try more hits so she can understand the experience that I have spoken of, but then I also think about what I learned last night and how it is just a drug and how it has controlled my personality so much and I don't want to base the depth of my gf and I's connection on whether she has or hasn't done acid with me.

I've done acid with friends in the past who I don't talk to anymore so I know that it is just a drug and not glue of any significance, but it deceptively seems like it may create a deeper connection and understanding...

I'm just ranting at this point. Looking for some feedback and advice please. Thank you.
 
How far apart did you space your trips? I like to take a lot of time in between trips to keep the experience special. Otherwise you can lose some of the magic.
 
donvliet said:
How far apart did you space your trips? I like to take a lot of time in between trips to keep the experience special. Otherwise you can lose some of the magic.
Click to expand...

First time I did acid I was like 14, and I didn't go if again until I was 20, then again about a year later, and then 5-6 months again
 
It sounds like you're experiencing a sort of guilt-related issue right now, where you feel like using drugs is a failing of yours in some way... I get that from when you said you felt like you were letting your dad down because he tried so hard to put you on the right path. It sounds like you believe, deep down or maybe not even deep down, that the things that the LSD experience caused you to change in your mindset are bad things, and that you should be more "standard". Correct me if I'm wrong. If this is the case, you should really think and determine why you feel the way you feel, and decide where to go from there. Certainly you should take a long break and decide how you feel because right now you're clearly distressed about it, so tripping again would be ill-advised until you figure that out.

Personally, my path with psychedelics has been long, sometimes difficult, and ultimately very positive. I was a very "standard" person growing up, my parents were against drugs, I was unquestioningly following the normal path, get good grades, go to college, get a good job, get married, have kids, have a retirement account, etc. I started smoking weed or doing any drugs on my 17th birthday, and then the next year, at college, I tried mushrooms. My experience radically changed my life and the way I viewed the world. I went very "hippie" with it, I believed a lot of stuff, some of it was nonsense like the 2012 stuff where I believed we were going to ascend or become a singularity or something, but some of it I still carry with me today, such as the way I believe about the nature of what reality and consciousness are.

Well, I finished college with a degree in computer science and got a good job, I tripped a few times in college too but not much. The "normal" path started to grind on me in some ways and all through my 20s I struggled with it. I kept using psychedelics, actually increasingly often, ended up doing them a lot to try to stay connected to those feelings, which did not help ultimately. I was in a bad relationship then which drained me a lot, and I also felt a lot of pressure from my dad to do the career ladder thing and be a certain way I thought he expected me to be. Well, he did expect me to be that way at the time actually. I fell increasingly into anxiety and depression, I also got addicted to opiates during that time to cope with my inner turmoil. I felt my ideals and what I was "supposed to do" were at odds and I couldn't resolve it.

Eventually I made some changes in my life after things got really bad, and I got out of that bad relationship and I took charge of my own life. I realized, hey, I'm doing fucking great except for the poor decisions I made during opiate addiction, which I only got in to to mask the pain of not letting myself be who I am, and feeling bad about who I am. I had and still have a great job, it's a really special situation honestly. I also realized that I'm a successful guy, who also happens to be a "weirdo", and that I am successful despite not having the same level of material things that my dad provided us. I started pursuing music which was always my greatest love, and I started spending a lot more time doing that, and going to see music, and going to music festivals, and spending time in nature, and spending less time on my job (but still enough to do well at it). I am comfortable, I'll never have a big house or a brand new car or tons of money saved to do whatever I want with (unless this Ripple cryptocurrency takes off, then I'm gonna be wealthy). But I am comfortable and have everything I need. I'm happy with who I am, and I still use psychedelics, but I also work really hard on my life and I make sure that the things I love are the most important to me, while still supporting myself (I even have that retirement account :)). In truth, psychedelics have been really important to my growth as a person and my general level of satisfaction in life even though at times I have questioned that. They have helped me to realize a lot about myself, sometimes over a long period of time (I'm 34 and I first used them at 18, and it's taken most of that time to come to terms with who I am). I am comfortable with psychedelics being a part of a my life. And ironically, once I started being happy with who I was, and showed my dad that I am doing well and happy, he eventually told me that he regrets making me feel so much pressure and that he thinks I have it figured out better than him (he went for that super career mode, make lots of money for your family thing, it was from a place of caring but he is now facing death soon and he's realized that he should have lived differently, he basically sacrificed his life to the pursuit of the "American dream").

I'm not trying to say your path will be the same as mine, but hopefully this provided something that you can relate to and that provokes some thought. For me, it was a question of balance, with psychedelic use and the parts of the experience I choose to believe and incorporate into my life, and with my thoughts, and with the things I do with my life.
 
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Conflict within can cause a light and dark side on psychedelics. Sometimes one can be shown both at the same time when you want to go one way but the other way pulls you in. Light vs Dark always the truth, heaven and hell, war and peace, selfishness vs selflessness , so many things in our head that we mostly avoid in real life. LSD can give you insight on yourself, your friends, your family your actions. So you came to a place where you couldn't find the answer and were stuck in the middle? I have done way too much many times, won't go into details but will say I have seeen people to be fake even aliens asking me to answer the question. Many questions in fact during different trips. And I'm talking about taking puddles that hit me before I could get it to my mouth, dripping off my hand laid directly from crystal. Looking for answers is my favorite and sometimes least favorite part. Been here done that sounds like you were bored of your situation, whether it be at home, friends house, outside, or concerts. Maybe it was the crowd you were with, maybe an innerstruggle. Once I took all my clothes off during a trip Bc I didn't need anything when people had so little, jumped out of cars at stoplight Bc I was with wrong people. Wanting to get rid of everything didn't fix anything so you must figure out what's causing the conflict. Good luck.
 
Psychedelics, in my experience, are very good at causing you to question their own validity. :D I've gone through many periods of intense self-doubt regarding my drug use. FWIW, I haven't (yet) been able to produce any concrete evidence that these feelings are anything but baseless paranoia.

When you say that your experience on LSD is a "deception", how exactly do you feel deceived? What did LSD cause you to believe that you no longer believe?
 
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I had this feeling about a week ago, after almost 2 yrs not taking anything. There were parts of the trip where I felt that things were similar to previous trips and I was feeling like, "Yeah okay, what can you show me that's new?. We've been here before and I'm not fooled just because there is a slightly different slant on things."
Having said that, there were parts of the trip that were healing and I learnt from it. I did feel that I wanted to go deeper though. Just smash through those walls and get to the bottom of it-no bullshit or playing around. It's probably just a case of upping the dose.
Overall, I still feel that it is a valuable tool and just needs tweaking with the dosage, or setting or whatever sometimes, if it starts to get a bit stale.
 
You have been through the looking glass...

If you have the feeling "oh nothing new here" while tripping,do you also get it when you're sober? Imho,every moment/breath you take the entire universe is created and destroyed. You've never been somewhere before. It's all new..

Flushing drugs during a trip sounds anxiety-driven to me.

I'd read some philosophy if I were you. People have been going through these thoughts for millenia and more.
 
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