Confessions of an Addict mother

[4give me sinner]

( i know the words in my name are not spelt correctly )
So today, I actually feel somewhat ok.
I went and accomplished something that didn't revolve around me or my problems, or have anything to do with me really.

My kids asked for a new bed this year. They wanted it to be bigger they said.. Not a problem as we built their last beds about 3 years ago.

So I went and got lumber, screws, new mattresses ( the good fluffy kind with great back support! ) and this weekend, I am taking them to pick out new bedding sets.

I finally can just enjoy doing something for them with out feeling like a monster. I mean yes my kids are well fed, have good clothes, a roof over their heads, and they get to and from school and all appts on time.... but emotionally lately, ever since I relapsed I haven't been able to be around them for all the guilt and shame I feel.

I hope they are still young enough not to remember me this way. I hope I can soon go back into recovery before it's too late, and most importantly, I hope to have more days like today.

 

[MrRoot]

Don't underestimate what young kids can understand. My three year old came to say to me that I should take my drugs as you are not normal...

That was when I decided to get some real help.

I was a functional addict for years but that shook me totally.

 

[herbavore]

My experience with kids is that they know something is going on even if they are not sure what that something is.

The most important thing is to not beat yourself up--not even by making a user name that calls you a sinner. You are a human being. We all make mistakes, go down paths we should not have gone down, or at least not stayed on for long. The measure of a life is not in failures nor mistakes or wrongdoing but in how you re-create yourself from those experiences. Your kids may someday have their own struggles with drugs and you may be called upon to figure out how best to support them in overcoming those struggles. Use the same compassion, empathy and patience with yourself that I know you would give to them. this does not mean just giving yourself a "pass" to use. It means understanding why you did. what the triggers are and how to address them, what support was needed but lacking , etc etc. Recovery is very holistic endeavor. It involves body (physical addiction or habituation), mind (psychological addiction/habituation) and spirit (a crisis within your truest self). It can be so difficult to keep moving forward and periods of desperation often occur.

Making the beds is impressive! It was a win for you and your kids. Keep taking these small concrete steps and stay positive about your abilities--even when you flounder. Perfection is a myth and impossible to achieve but resilience and honesty and authenticity in your relationship with yourself as well as with your kids is what is going to make life wonderful overall, despite the dips along the way.

 

[MrRoot]

I would like to also add one part to Herby's holistic approach to recovering and it is socioeconomic aspect. It is often overlooked in rehabs.
---
Also I second that good or bad experiences can't be used as a measure of one's life but instead what you make out of those experiences.

I've been through a lot of bad things but I never back them thinking I am a failure but instead that those things have made me a person who I currently am.

Also minor relapse is nothing as I spend four first years of my daughter in full addiction (250-500mg oxy a day) but could function enough as a parent although I am currently a weekend dad as we divorced after I found that she had cheated upon me for years (so much for the body pump and zumba lessons. I did wonder how she still didn't lose weight or gain muscle although she went to gym atleast three times a week) (and as well as stole roughly 1000euros from me every month for years as she paid the bills and I just handed the money to her and trusted her blindly).

I have really good relationship with my daughter and have always had and it annoys the hell out of my ex especially now as her new guy (well not exactly a new guy since she has been cheating with him for a long time). What annoys her even more is that my daughter calls my fiancee a princess

If I wouldn't have gone through that toxic relationship I wouldn't have my daughter and if I had not developed my addiction I would have never mer my fiancee.

Sometimes bad things end up into good things but you can't see how it goes while still in the middle of the road.

 

[rebelmania]

Hang in there. Great work by you doing something outside of your bubble. I got into addiction for real when my daughter was 11, so she understands most of it which made it even harder to bear. We have to set an intention to go towards the right path, which we already know the way of innately, and try to stay on it. It will be bumpy though. As Herbavore says don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[BeachBum4u]

Remember (I read fhis years ago and liked it), life is what happens between the lines.

 

[Iwanttobefree]

This hits home on so many levels. I too have kids and am an Addict. I wish I was better for them. My unselfish act this year was to send 900.00$ to my girl's grandparents for safe keeping for them. I also sent extra $$ So they could buy a safe and keep all the kids inherited jewelry in it.

I try so very hard to do the right thing, and usually fail. But keep your head up, someday it will be better, because the other option isn't good enough for innocent kids.

 

[herbavore]

Children do not need perfect parents. They do not even exist. What they do need are parents that have enough self-awareness to make good decisions for their children. If you have an unsafe or unstable environment, if you cannot safely care for them, if you are modeling a life of chaos and despair hating yourself or shaming yourself for it will only add a whole new layer of damage. Your children's safety and wellbing are your responsibility and if you know you cannot provide that it is up to you to make the best arrangements possible for them. This may mean giving up their care to willing (and stable) family members or even in the worst case (no available family members) to state care. It does not have to be forever. It can be done with love, from love, in order to give love the best chance of survival.

Knowing that their parents are trying to get better is way better than maintaining a wall of lies and futile attempts at hiding the severity of the problem. Addiction is not the only thing that effects a family this way. The most important thing you can do for your children is to heal yourself from the deepest levels. Stopping drugs occurs on the surface. I'm not saying it is not desirable--it is imperative to get yourself free. I am just saying that the pain that underpins the addiction is what needs to be addressed, what needs to be healed. Perhaps you were psychically abused as a child. Perhaps you were physically or emotionally or sexually abused. Perhaps you, like most of us in the modern world, simply grew up thinking you were not worthy. Whatever the source of the pain, you must face it to overcome its hold on you. Some people take drugs. Some overeat. Some treat others like shit. No matter how the pain of the past manifests, running from it only causes more damage. No one teaches us how to face ourselves--you have to carve that path for yourself.

Years ago I was sitting in the zocalo in Mexico City. People came from the country, made pilgrimages to this national cathedral to advance slowly across the square on their knees flogging their own backs and praying for forgiveness as they inched their bloody, agonizing way across the rough cobblestones. I felt like I was seeing a metaphor for humanity that day. Why do we see ourselves as unworthy, as horrible sinners that must be punished? Why do we spend our lives beating ourselves? Has a child ever become a better person from a beating? I don't think so. Treat yourself as someone that deserves to be free, that deserves to be healthy and whole. That is our birthright as much as suffering is.

 

[Iwanttobefree]

Children do not need perfect parents. They do not even exist. What they do need are parents that have enough self-awareness to make good decisions for their children. If you have an unsafe or unstable environment, if you cannot safely care for them, if you are modeling a life of chaos and despair hating yourself or shaming yourself for it will only add a whole new layer of damage. Your children's safety and wellbing are your responsibility and if you know you cannot provide that it is up to you to make the best arrangements possible for them. This may mean giving up their care to willing (and stable) family members or even in the worst case (no available family members) to state care. It does not have to be forever. It can be done with love, from love, in order to give love the best chance of survival.

Knowing that their parents are trying to get better is way better than maintaining a wall of lies and futile attempts at hiding the severity of the problem. Addiction is not the only thing that effects a family this way. The most important thing you can do for your children is to heal yourself from the deepest levels. Stopping drugs occurs on the surface. I'm not saying it is not desirable--it is imperative to get yourself free. I am just saying that the pain that underpins the addiction is what needs to be addressed, what needs to be healed. Perhaps you were psychically abused as a child. Perhaps you were physically or emotionally or sexually abused. Perhaps you, like most of us in the modern world, simply grew up thinking you were not worthy. Whatever the source of the pain, you must face it to overcome its hold on you. Some people take drugs. Some overeat. Some treat others like shit. No matter how the pain of the past manifests, running from it only causes more damage. No one teaches us how to face ourselves--you have to carve that path for yourself.

Years ago I was sitting in the zocalo in Mexico City. People came from the country, made pilgrimages to this national cathedral to advance slowly across the square on their knees flogging their own backs and praying for forgiveness as they inched their bloody, agonizing way across the rough cobblestones. I felt like I was seeing a metaphor for humanity that day. Why do we see ourselves as unworthy, as horrible sinners that must be punished? Why do we spend our lives beating ourselves? Has a child ever become a better person from a beating? I don't think so. Treat yourself as someone that deserves to be free, that deserves to be healthy and whole. That is our birthright as much as suffering is.

This is beautifully written, and hits a very deep and profound chord within myself. I like the OP am a parent who suffers from addiction. I am not just fighting for freedom, but to see a future that I will be apart of. I weep endless tears over the damage I surely am causing due to my weaknesses and underlying issues. I also attend therapy and while most consider me a " functioning" addict, is it really functioning when you can't have a connection with others because of shame and guilt.

 

[herbavore]

^ I have nothing but the greatest respect for parents trying to deal with their own addictions and pain while at the same time trying to be parents with all that entails. just keep trying your best, trying new strategies and always encourage yourself over discouraging yourself.