jjunco8562
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Dec 20, 2015
- Messages
- 8
I've posted here before, but not for a while. I have no question, or anything, I just got a strong urge to come to BL and post this little story.
I've been using heroin for quite some time now, and when I can't get any (for whatever reason), I use suboxone. Or zubsolv. I'm going to assume that whoever reads this knows what those are, and I'm not going to go into explaining them when there's information about them all over BL, Google, and if you don't know what they are, then this story may not even be relatable to you anyway.
I use very nearly every day. Therefore, when I don't use, I'm sick as a dog. Always when I wake up, my body needs something. If I don't have anything within the first few hours of waking up, I'm dripping snot out of my face, with chills, sweating, severely anxious and in a close to unbearable amount of pain, really everywhere (headache, limbs), But mostly my stomach.
So I really probably do heroin and sub/zub just as often as each other, extremely strategically, as to avoid those horrid vile precipitated withdrawals. I've been doing this a long time, going back and forth from the dope to the bupe and I've only gotten the PDubz once.
So all that for this, the kicker:
I shoot my bupe, too. I make a shot up with a suboxone strip or zubsolv tablet exactly how I would if it was heroin, drop it in the spoon (if it's suboxone I rip the strip up into tiny pieces), regular, Q-tip cotton, and bang. I haven't always shot them of course. But I just tried it with suboxone first, a long time ago, because I wanted/NEEDED that 100% BA. Plus the taste sucks. The taste thing is a really stupid reason to risk my life every day, though.
Which I know I am doing. This game that I'm playing is the most dangerous shit I could ever do. Being a heroin addict is bad enough. But there's almost nothing worse than shooting these things, ESPECIALLY with a regular cotton. Getting literal dirt from your lawn and putting it into your veins MAY be a tad bit worse.
So there it is. I know the dangers. I know the risks. I consider myself a highly intelligent individual to be honest. But I just can't let go. I'm holding on so tightly to this devastating thing, clinging to Death.
Not only am I aware of the dangers, but I've EXPERIENCED the dangers first-hand. Now, before I get into that part of the story, I'll repeat that I've been doin this so long. I've shot a suboxone strip or a zubsolv tab literally over a hundred times. Now, I've read, even here on BL, and elsewhere, that you can't feel them when you shoot them; that the nalaxone cancels the blue out if used IV. This is just frankly not true.
So, out of these hundred plus times I've shot a sub or a zub, they'll usually but not always burn a little going through my veins. There's no rush whatsoever, but I feel it within five minutes. From doing this so much, shooting all this H, and the subs/zubs, my veins are almost completely shot (no pun intended), and I'll be sitting there with a belt wrapped, arm asleep turning blue for 30 minutes poking and prying myself everywhere to find a vein. Because of this, and this is going to make a lot of you go "Wtf how could this get any worse?" But I've probably missed about 50% of the time. On purpose. Sometimes, I'll just get frustrated and impatient and literally poke myself in the middle of my arm where there's no vein anywhere near, and grit my teeth and feel the horrible burn and push a few tiny little drops at a time right into my skin tissue. Sometimes I'll register, but then lose it, and I won't want my rig to get coagulated, so I'll just keep pushing even though it hurts so bad. I do this because obviously I don't want to waste the solution I've made, and also because I know, even though it hurts so badly, that intramuscularly, I'll still get very close to that 100% I'm so desperately yearning for.
So when I miss, they hurt like fucking Hell, throughout that whole limb. At least for a few minutes. And it will always swell, wherever it was. At least for a few minutes. Then, about 65% of the time I'll say, it'll all go away, the pain, the swelling, and I'll be feeling, oh I don't know; for lack of a better word, swell. However, part of the rest of the time, it'll stay swollen, and double, even triple in size, and be unbearably painful, where I can't use that limb and I'll have to hold my arm a certain way, as to take some of the pain away, usually above my heart. So I'll be walking around with a huge dreadfully painful lump on my arm, holding it high for everyone to see. Its fucking crazy that I put myself through this.
THEN, once out of the hundred times I've done this, it was worse than all the rest, tenfold. I had missed a suboxone shot, on purpose again. My left arm, right in my ditch, had tripled in size and was turning blueish by the fourth day. As I've said, throughout the hundreds of times I've done this, that sometimes happens, but it always went away. This one wasn't goimg anywhere. I knew I had to go to the hospital, but I procrastinated for a FUCKING WEEK, thinking it'll go away, like all the rest, and being just generally scared of going to the ER, etc.
I finally did though, told them the truth about it in the ER, and they landed that mother clean open after poking me in the same spot with some numbing agents. It seemed like the puss was never going to stop. It was fucking horrifying.
So, 30 minutes later there I lay, with my girlfriend whom I love so dearly and am so sorry that she puts up with me (although she does the same thing, just never misses!). And there I am, thanking whatever the fuck for letting me get out of this so freely, and then a team of nurses bursts in. They lube up my chest and start X-raying, and in a second I'm laying on my gurney, as I watch my own strange and surreal looking heart beating just barely on a monitor next to my face. Obviously, I was like wtf? I thought I was all done, that everything was good. And the problem was in my fucking arm what are we doing with all this? And the response I got was something along the lines of:
Well, these things you're shooting up is no joke. You know, they're not sterile at all. They could have anything on them. In this case, it was Staph. But an "evolved form of Staph making it immune to most antibiotics." It could've been anything on those, though. Feces for all we know. They're not made to be sterile, your stomach breaks it all down nicely when taken correctly, but putting it straight into your veins into immediate contact with your lungs, heart, brain and everything else is another story. I'm checking you're heart right now for endocarditus, a serious disease in which the Staph that was in your arm may have entered your bloodstream and gotten into your heart. In which case you'll need immediate open-heart surgery, but the procedure is almost a 50/50 shot of getting all of it out of you.
Those were the scariest words I've ever heard in my fucking life. Then she did some ultrasounds on my arm at the injection site, and left me to think about all this.
Next, a group of surgeons came in and said alright we're about to take you up to surgery. Just then, my heart dropped into my balls...
However, fortunately for me, it was NOT because they found endocarditus; it was because the guy that my abscess hadn't gotten all of the Staph out, my chest ultrasounds came back A-OK.
So instead of having open-heart surgery, or dying, or losing a limb, I just had to go under anesthesia for 30 minutes or so while they cut a huge hole in my arm and scraped the rest of the infection out from within.
And not even three days later I was back at it, shooting and missing in my other arm.
So, basically, there's no moral to this story for me, only for you. My story hasn't resolved, I haven't grown, haven't changed. I DID learn a fucking lesson and yet my addicted mentality allows me to continue doing what is so severely bad for me; MOST DEFINITELY long term, and could be an instantaneous disaster as well. I'm playing Russian Roulette with my limbs body and life every fucking day. Why do I do this?
Is that my question here? Did I write all this so you could tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? Right before I decided to get on BL and write this tale, I missed yet another zub shot. I registered but when I pushed it was missing and I pulled the needle out just a tiny bit and blood was pouring in so I pushed and could tell I was still missing. My veins are just trashed.
To be honest, I really don't know what made me write all this today. I definitely don't condone this AT ALL and I most certainly wouldn't want any of you to go through or be doing this. It very simply is so not nearly worth the enormous risk I take on a daily basis. And I say risk, like I'm getting away with it; risk means you're taking a chance, you may be fine, but now that I really think about it, it's not a risk at all. Because I am most definitely damaging myself, at an increasing rate, every day, for not much gain, and I won't stop.
Maybe I wrote this to read it over and disgust myself into finally letting go. I'm not really sure. Its easy to say yeah, I need to stop and will, right now, while I'm feeling fine off the bupe. Another entirely when I'm cringing sick.
Anyway, that's my story, and I'm in a bad spot in life right now in general, all around, BESIDES all this. Severely depressed, 24 years old, and feel like my life is over already. I'm smart enough to know that this is just a PART of my life, and I can make choices to manifest a better future for myself. Maybe I just needed to let this all out, while I was at rock bottom, so to speak. Maybe I'll never do it again because of this introspective explosion. Maybe I'll continue to do it and die. I really can't say right now with full certainty either way. What I can say is I hope someone got something out of this story, and I love you guys. Please stay safe out there.
If you read this whole thing, I sincerely thank you, from the bottom of my nasty sticky mentholly, orangey gooey disgusting heart.
I've been using heroin for quite some time now, and when I can't get any (for whatever reason), I use suboxone. Or zubsolv. I'm going to assume that whoever reads this knows what those are, and I'm not going to go into explaining them when there's information about them all over BL, Google, and if you don't know what they are, then this story may not even be relatable to you anyway.
I use very nearly every day. Therefore, when I don't use, I'm sick as a dog. Always when I wake up, my body needs something. If I don't have anything within the first few hours of waking up, I'm dripping snot out of my face, with chills, sweating, severely anxious and in a close to unbearable amount of pain, really everywhere (headache, limbs), But mostly my stomach.
So I really probably do heroin and sub/zub just as often as each other, extremely strategically, as to avoid those horrid vile precipitated withdrawals. I've been doing this a long time, going back and forth from the dope to the bupe and I've only gotten the PDubz once.
So all that for this, the kicker:
I shoot my bupe, too. I make a shot up with a suboxone strip or zubsolv tablet exactly how I would if it was heroin, drop it in the spoon (if it's suboxone I rip the strip up into tiny pieces), regular, Q-tip cotton, and bang. I haven't always shot them of course. But I just tried it with suboxone first, a long time ago, because I wanted/NEEDED that 100% BA. Plus the taste sucks. The taste thing is a really stupid reason to risk my life every day, though.
Which I know I am doing. This game that I'm playing is the most dangerous shit I could ever do. Being a heroin addict is bad enough. But there's almost nothing worse than shooting these things, ESPECIALLY with a regular cotton. Getting literal dirt from your lawn and putting it into your veins MAY be a tad bit worse.
So there it is. I know the dangers. I know the risks. I consider myself a highly intelligent individual to be honest. But I just can't let go. I'm holding on so tightly to this devastating thing, clinging to Death.
Not only am I aware of the dangers, but I've EXPERIENCED the dangers first-hand. Now, before I get into that part of the story, I'll repeat that I've been doin this so long. I've shot a suboxone strip or a zubsolv tab literally over a hundred times. Now, I've read, even here on BL, and elsewhere, that you can't feel them when you shoot them; that the nalaxone cancels the blue out if used IV. This is just frankly not true.
So, out of these hundred plus times I've shot a sub or a zub, they'll usually but not always burn a little going through my veins. There's no rush whatsoever, but I feel it within five minutes. From doing this so much, shooting all this H, and the subs/zubs, my veins are almost completely shot (no pun intended), and I'll be sitting there with a belt wrapped, arm asleep turning blue for 30 minutes poking and prying myself everywhere to find a vein. Because of this, and this is going to make a lot of you go "Wtf how could this get any worse?" But I've probably missed about 50% of the time. On purpose. Sometimes, I'll just get frustrated and impatient and literally poke myself in the middle of my arm where there's no vein anywhere near, and grit my teeth and feel the horrible burn and push a few tiny little drops at a time right into my skin tissue. Sometimes I'll register, but then lose it, and I won't want my rig to get coagulated, so I'll just keep pushing even though it hurts so bad. I do this because obviously I don't want to waste the solution I've made, and also because I know, even though it hurts so badly, that intramuscularly, I'll still get very close to that 100% I'm so desperately yearning for.
So when I miss, they hurt like fucking Hell, throughout that whole limb. At least for a few minutes. And it will always swell, wherever it was. At least for a few minutes. Then, about 65% of the time I'll say, it'll all go away, the pain, the swelling, and I'll be feeling, oh I don't know; for lack of a better word, swell. However, part of the rest of the time, it'll stay swollen, and double, even triple in size, and be unbearably painful, where I can't use that limb and I'll have to hold my arm a certain way, as to take some of the pain away, usually above my heart. So I'll be walking around with a huge dreadfully painful lump on my arm, holding it high for everyone to see. Its fucking crazy that I put myself through this.
THEN, once out of the hundred times I've done this, it was worse than all the rest, tenfold. I had missed a suboxone shot, on purpose again. My left arm, right in my ditch, had tripled in size and was turning blueish by the fourth day. As I've said, throughout the hundreds of times I've done this, that sometimes happens, but it always went away. This one wasn't goimg anywhere. I knew I had to go to the hospital, but I procrastinated for a FUCKING WEEK, thinking it'll go away, like all the rest, and being just generally scared of going to the ER, etc.
I finally did though, told them the truth about it in the ER, and they landed that mother clean open after poking me in the same spot with some numbing agents. It seemed like the puss was never going to stop. It was fucking horrifying.
So, 30 minutes later there I lay, with my girlfriend whom I love so dearly and am so sorry that she puts up with me (although she does the same thing, just never misses!). And there I am, thanking whatever the fuck for letting me get out of this so freely, and then a team of nurses bursts in. They lube up my chest and start X-raying, and in a second I'm laying on my gurney, as I watch my own strange and surreal looking heart beating just barely on a monitor next to my face. Obviously, I was like wtf? I thought I was all done, that everything was good. And the problem was in my fucking arm what are we doing with all this? And the response I got was something along the lines of:
Well, these things you're shooting up is no joke. You know, they're not sterile at all. They could have anything on them. In this case, it was Staph. But an "evolved form of Staph making it immune to most antibiotics." It could've been anything on those, though. Feces for all we know. They're not made to be sterile, your stomach breaks it all down nicely when taken correctly, but putting it straight into your veins into immediate contact with your lungs, heart, brain and everything else is another story. I'm checking you're heart right now for endocarditus, a serious disease in which the Staph that was in your arm may have entered your bloodstream and gotten into your heart. In which case you'll need immediate open-heart surgery, but the procedure is almost a 50/50 shot of getting all of it out of you.
Those were the scariest words I've ever heard in my fucking life. Then she did some ultrasounds on my arm at the injection site, and left me to think about all this.
Next, a group of surgeons came in and said alright we're about to take you up to surgery. Just then, my heart dropped into my balls...
However, fortunately for me, it was NOT because they found endocarditus; it was because the guy that my abscess hadn't gotten all of the Staph out, my chest ultrasounds came back A-OK.
So instead of having open-heart surgery, or dying, or losing a limb, I just had to go under anesthesia for 30 minutes or so while they cut a huge hole in my arm and scraped the rest of the infection out from within.
And not even three days later I was back at it, shooting and missing in my other arm.
So, basically, there's no moral to this story for me, only for you. My story hasn't resolved, I haven't grown, haven't changed. I DID learn a fucking lesson and yet my addicted mentality allows me to continue doing what is so severely bad for me; MOST DEFINITELY long term, and could be an instantaneous disaster as well. I'm playing Russian Roulette with my limbs body and life every fucking day. Why do I do this?
Is that my question here? Did I write all this so you could tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? Right before I decided to get on BL and write this tale, I missed yet another zub shot. I registered but when I pushed it was missing and I pulled the needle out just a tiny bit and blood was pouring in so I pushed and could tell I was still missing. My veins are just trashed.
To be honest, I really don't know what made me write all this today. I definitely don't condone this AT ALL and I most certainly wouldn't want any of you to go through or be doing this. It very simply is so not nearly worth the enormous risk I take on a daily basis. And I say risk, like I'm getting away with it; risk means you're taking a chance, you may be fine, but now that I really think about it, it's not a risk at all. Because I am most definitely damaging myself, at an increasing rate, every day, for not much gain, and I won't stop.
Maybe I wrote this to read it over and disgust myself into finally letting go. I'm not really sure. Its easy to say yeah, I need to stop and will, right now, while I'm feeling fine off the bupe. Another entirely when I'm cringing sick.
Anyway, that's my story, and I'm in a bad spot in life right now in general, all around, BESIDES all this. Severely depressed, 24 years old, and feel like my life is over already. I'm smart enough to know that this is just a PART of my life, and I can make choices to manifest a better future for myself. Maybe I just needed to let this all out, while I was at rock bottom, so to speak. Maybe I'll never do it again because of this introspective explosion. Maybe I'll continue to do it and die. I really can't say right now with full certainty either way. What I can say is I hope someone got something out of this story, and I love you guys. Please stay safe out there.
If you read this whole thing, I sincerely thank you, from the bottom of my nasty sticky mentholly, orangey gooey disgusting heart.
