hey umfree, I know it probably doesn't seem like it whatsoever, but this is a huge opportunity for you. This is the chance for you to kick some of those habits that have been fucking you up and replace them with some habits that will take you to where you want to be in life.
I remember when I was withdrawing off of oxycodone and xanax, just going through complete fucking hell wrapped up in a little ball on my bed thinking about maybe killing myself. I kept thinking about how much I had fucked my life up and how enslaving the drugs I was using were. Some seriously dark thoughts. I don't know exactly when, but after a few weeks of that type of behavior I felt something click in my head. Like a spark of happiness that I hadn't felt in years, like genuine happiness for no apparent reason. I didn't feel euphoric, but I didn't feel like complete shit either. I just felt normal. That feeling didn't last very long but it was enough to remind me that I could be truly happy again without drugs. It was enough to get me thinking about all the things that I could now do- all the things that dope was holding me back from, I was free. I didn't need to take it every day anymore.
Life isn't fairytale, I'm sure you know by now. But try and hang in there, the only way your life will get better is if you start to put some effort into it. I know it is hard as hell but try and take your focus off of drugs and anxiety and put it on things that will really make you happy. There is no solution to life, I still crave opiates from time to time, but things can get better. I'm over a year off of pills, been cutting back on my weed use, and I'm feeling better than I have in a long time. Better than I thought I could have.