tantric
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Messages
- 867
background: i believe in/interact with transcendent ultraterrestrials/boddhisattvas who play games with fate and chance, all in the best interest of humanity in the long run, and often turning my life to a circus.
i live with my 81yo father and sister (10yrs older than me), who is a methadone *and* meth addict and total fiend. she has a daughter, 23, and that's the extent of our family line. the daughter, jessie, is a lesbian and *loathes* her mother. she also has a black high school dropout unemployed girlfriend she wants to marry (whose vagina stinks like something unholy, see previous posts), which doesn't go down well with her 81yo grandfather. me and sis are mortal enemies - since i've decided to stay at the family home, inherit it and make it a working farm, rather than selling it for drug money (her plan), it's been *on*. but a month ago, jessie went to the ER for vomiting - and a scan found a mass in her brain. yeah. they can't biopsy it until they remove it, which is happening in two days. now, my mother died of a nasty form of cancer, in home care, which turned her into a screaming monster before she died, and she haunts my nightmares still, so i have issues with cancer.
CCC can do great shit. i get away with stuff you wouldn't believe. luck, charmed life - but one thing they've NEVER done his help my love life. when i signed up to be an agent/ took the boddhisattva vow, i wanted a condition - i'd do it, but i wouldn't do it alone. since then, i've been a hermit. the only relationships i have are straight up Bad Romance. one of those includes this guy, over a decade ago, a hot county trash guy with the accent and a lazy eye and nice dick and PURE trouble. we were together a month, then he stole all my x pills and ran off to texas - fucker.
last night, he contacted me through a chat site to apologize. yeah, right, but he was local and dammit, i really wanted to get out of the house and smoke a bit. i took all the money and cards out of my wallet and left them at home before i went over...fuck me, he turned into a nice looking man. and he really apologized, and he meant it. he was serious. but.....i have HUGE problems with physical intimacy. i don't like strangers touching - i can't get massages because my muscle tense up wherever i'm touched. but... he smelled the same. kind of musty and a bit floral at the same time. i got cuddle. this is me normally:
the monkeys that were driven insane by being utterly deprived of physical contact. shit, i haven't had a hug in a year and half. it was *awesome*. oh, yeah, we fooled around, i got a bit dominant and pushed him to orgasm, then claimed his cum as a prize. yeah, i'm a freak but i'm a tantric freak.
so tomorrow, the mass comes out, and a day later we learn if its cancer. until last night, i never believed it was - most likely outcome is a benign mass. i don't believe that anymore. i read all the brain cancer stuff online, took it in stride, scientifically. now i feel like i'm going to puke whenever i think about it.
this is fucked up, isn't it? but i feel SO MUCH BETTER. mmmmmmm.
i live with my 81yo father and sister (10yrs older than me), who is a methadone *and* meth addict and total fiend. she has a daughter, 23, and that's the extent of our family line. the daughter, jessie, is a lesbian and *loathes* her mother. she also has a black high school dropout unemployed girlfriend she wants to marry (whose vagina stinks like something unholy, see previous posts), which doesn't go down well with her 81yo grandfather. me and sis are mortal enemies - since i've decided to stay at the family home, inherit it and make it a working farm, rather than selling it for drug money (her plan), it's been *on*. but a month ago, jessie went to the ER for vomiting - and a scan found a mass in her brain. yeah. they can't biopsy it until they remove it, which is happening in two days. now, my mother died of a nasty form of cancer, in home care, which turned her into a screaming monster before she died, and she haunts my nightmares still, so i have issues with cancer.
CCC can do great shit. i get away with stuff you wouldn't believe. luck, charmed life - but one thing they've NEVER done his help my love life. when i signed up to be an agent/ took the boddhisattva vow, i wanted a condition - i'd do it, but i wouldn't do it alone. since then, i've been a hermit. the only relationships i have are straight up Bad Romance. one of those includes this guy, over a decade ago, a hot county trash guy with the accent and a lazy eye and nice dick and PURE trouble. we were together a month, then he stole all my x pills and ran off to texas - fucker.
last night, he contacted me through a chat site to apologize. yeah, right, but he was local and dammit, i really wanted to get out of the house and smoke a bit. i took all the money and cards out of my wallet and left them at home before i went over...fuck me, he turned into a nice looking man. and he really apologized, and he meant it. he was serious. but.....i have HUGE problems with physical intimacy. i don't like strangers touching - i can't get massages because my muscle tense up wherever i'm touched. but... he smelled the same. kind of musty and a bit floral at the same time. i got cuddle. this is me normally:
the monkeys that were driven insane by being utterly deprived of physical contact. shit, i haven't had a hug in a year and half. it was *awesome*. oh, yeah, we fooled around, i got a bit dominant and pushed him to orgasm, then claimed his cum as a prize. yeah, i'm a freak but i'm a tantric freak.
so tomorrow, the mass comes out, and a day later we learn if its cancer. until last night, i never believed it was - most likely outcome is a benign mass. i don't believe that anymore. i read all the brain cancer stuff online, took it in stride, scientifically. now i feel like i'm going to puke whenever i think about it.
this is fucked up, isn't it? but i feel SO MUCH BETTER. mmmmmmm.