Can you believe this....

[abadab]

you sound like a very sweet person. your boyfriend has anxiety and i'm guessing the weed makes him more sociable and relaxed. i myself use medically prescribed weed for social anxiety and when i go out i'm a different person, like from being bubbly and social vs. looking down at the ground and not able to make eye contact with anyone when i'm straight.

i don't know your whole situation and how long things have been the way they are... but i thought i'd just give you a perspective of someone who also has the same problems and what it's like with and without. i guess he's self medicating and the person he is without the 'medicine' is that guy who retreats and stays in his little safe place without letting you in because he can't deal.

 

[DaysNDaze]

You're right P0kemama... The seed has been planted.

Today was a bad day, a sober day, insomnia has plagued me and I work nights so I've slept about 4 hrs straight, been up since, have to work from 11pm to 7am, then go to job #2 for 8am till probably about noon...

As I was trying unsuccessfully to fall asleep, I was thinking about my life, how I'm capable of more, how I'm capable of staying sober and being happy again, how I'm being weighed down.The resentment creeped up and soon I was fantasizing about how I would ask him to leave without things getting nasty ( I know they would).

I even came up with a feasible plan....

I guess it's the beginning of the end if I'm even having these thoughts. Those thoughts wouldn't be there if it was real.

I still feel like I have to give him the option of trying to get better or leaving but I know its just wishful thinking...

 

[MrRoot]

I still feel like I have to give him the option of trying to get better or leaving but I know its just wishful thinking...

Imagine yourself being on a dentist with a badly inflamed tooth and saying "I would like to give it an option to heal on it's own before you pull it out".

You wouldn't say things like that. You would let them pull it out and have some soreness for a few days and a small empty space within you for the rest of your life unless you get a replacement tooth.

You can let him get better afterwards but the odds for that to happen are same as for that pulled out tooth.

 

[zephyr]

Thank-you for all the replies, I've read each of your replies more than once, I'm not sure what it is, I know I need to give that ultimatum, but I just can't find it in me to do it.

My ex husband was a heavy pot smoker. Its very hard to go without for a couple of days, my ex was horrible if he ran out. He would first ask for money then demand it if he knew I had some in my personal bank account.

It was not the most expensive thing but I didnt smoke it and paid the bills while his money went on paying back tic and getting more weed. He never paid me back.

What I used to do which helped get over a day or so ahortfall is pinch a bit off his pot bit by bit and stash it away. Also told him to ration it himself and not to share with his freeloading buddies. Then on the poor days have a reserve supply.

He needs to learn to manage his habit and not make it your problem. Lashing out at a partner is the easiest thing to do for an addict to get attention without admitting to neefing help. It sucks.

 

[DaysNDaze]

My ex husband was a heavy pot smoker. Its very hard to go without for a couple of days, my ex was horrible if he ran out. He would first ask for money then demand it if he knew I had some in my personal bank account.

It was not the most expensive thing but I didnt smoke it and paid the bills while his money went on paying back tic and getting more weed. He never paid me back.

What I used to do which helped get over a day or so ahortfall is pinch a bit off his pot bit by bit and stash it away. Also told him to ration it himself and not to share with his freeloading buddies. Then on the poor days have a reserve supply.

He needs to learn to manage his habit and not make it your problem. Lashing out at a partner is the easiest thing to do for an addict to get attention without admitting to neefing help. It sucks.

Ya I was thinking of starting to do something like that, stashing little bits away when I can, When he has no weed its because I have no money. I end up trying to sell stuff in order to get money to get him weed. He smokes $200 worth every two weeks. Its not sustainable.

 

[DaysNDaze]

And like I said he has social anxiety so theres no freeloaders, he smokes that himself.

 

[VastEmpty]

DnD -

No shit it isn't sustainable! I mean that with the most love imaginable. I don't think it is ever sustainable to support someone else's habit like that. I'm actually in a very similar position and boundaries are so important. If you are supporting a full grown adult, that's a problem. Not just for you, but for him too. This is honestly no better for him than it is for you, you know? It's so important for someone to know the value of working for the things you want - not just being handed what they want. Pot is a luxury, not a freaking entitlement.

Being in a similar position, I know how hard it is. Especially when you truly love someone. I'm sorry he is putting you in this position, but the only way you can protect yourself from his self-destructive behavior is to create very clear boundaries (kind of like you have to do with children).

You have gotten wonderful advice from the others on this forum. I just wanted to add that I know how you feel (PM me anytime and I'd be happy to share my situation with you, but I don't want to steal your thread, so I won't get into it here), and that you might feel like giving in to his demands are what's best for him - but, over the years, I've realized it's less healthy for the person who feels entitled than it is for the one who is doing all the work.

good luck, dayz, you are stronger than most!

- VE

 

[VastEmpty]

And like I said he has social anxiety so theres no freeloaders, he smokes that himself.

do you wonder if that social anxiety may be a cause of isolation? Sometimes people who don't work and participate fully in society will start to fear the society they actively isolate themselves from. Maybe this is a chicken or egg question - does his isolation cause his social anxiety, or does he isolate because of his social anxiety?

- VE

 

[DaysNDaze]

From what I understand, he has isolated himself for quite some time. I can't say for sure which came first but I do agree it gets worse the longer they isolate themselves.

I know change needs to happen. Either I start taking steps to get him to be more independent or I terminate the relationship. I've been doing a lot of thinking.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What do you want DaysNDaze? Regarding your partner, but also in terms of your own recovery - your own journey. You need to follow your own path. Your SO may or may not end up being a part of that journey. But I find gaining insight into what we really want and clarifying that with trusted confidants, even if it is only via something like BL, is a very, very important first step.