Boyfriend spying on me... is this ok?

[Blueeyes01]

Hey everyone,

I?ve been dating this guy for about 6/7 months. In January he was snooping on me and confronted me that I wasn?t where I said I was. Long story short, I admitted I was using opiates. I got clean and allowed him to have my social media accounts to keep tabs on me. And I shared my phone location services with him so he could work on trusting me again. Well he became very controlling and it spiraled into being really unhealthy for the both of us. So he agreed I could turn my location services off and he?d let me have my life back. We?re still together. Well just the other day I drove by an old dealers house on the way to a doctors appointment, out of curiosity. He wasn?t home, so nothing happened. My boyfriend knew instantly that I did that. He claimed a friend of his saw me which is entirely impossible. He either put a tracking device on my car or is stalking my location somehow. He has money to hire people to follow me or bug my phone somehow. I don?t know exactly what he did but I am certain he is spying on me somehow. I feel such an invasion of my privacy. I understand he wants me to stay clean. My addiction was never on a really terrible level. I still worked, cared for my family, paid my bills, never in legal trouble etc. Not saying I should have been doing what I was doing, because I obviously know I can?t do opiates anymore. But anyway... I guess I just want some of you guys? thoughts on if what he is doing is justifiable? I feel like I can?t trust HIM now. I?m looking out my windows constantly wondering if he?s watching my home. My friend thinks he?s showing me tough love and she appreciates him doing this, but I can?t help but feel extremely bothered by this. Thanks for listening!!

 

[N2theavenue]

This so so not ok. You've only been dating him for 6 months?! He sounds like he could even become dangerous. Leave him and leave him now. When my husband of 7 years found out I was on opiates all he did was limit my use of the bank account. He was very supportive in my recovery process and never tracked (stalked) me. This guy sounds crazy.

 

[Xorkoth]

Yeah seriously, this sounds like a massive red flag. Really creepy... be careful with this guy.

 

[aihfl]

1. If you are clean, why on earth did you go by your dealer's? I had a friend in rehab that went to his dealer's "just to hang out," as he told it (I am 99% sure that is a lie), and ended up getting pistol-whipped when two thugs broke in and had to get a bunch of staples on his head. Changing "people, places and things," is sound advice whether you are an adherent of 12 step or not.

He claimed a friend of his saw me which is entirely impossible.

2. How do you know it is impossible? Perhaps you weren't spotted directly at your dealer's house but in the area and put 2 + 2 together.

3. You BF isn't blameless. This is classic codependent behavior. I've been on the receiving end of it from both a parent and significant others. Unless he's willing to accept boundaries, the outcome will be ugly, and the longer it's condoned, the uglier it will be.

 

[Blueeyes01]

I know him saying a friend saw me there is impossible because the dealers ?house? is an apartment complex. He lives in the very front building so I drove in for literally two seconds, looked to see if anyone was out watching, didn?t see my dudes car... and I backed out. Nobody was out there. Nobody would?ve seen me in that complex. He also works with her and it?s a 9-5 job. I did this at 2pm on a weekday. She lives in a different part of town, on my street to be exact. Apparently she saw what was in my car to verify it was definitely mine. Impossible. I swooped in, looked around in case I was about to do a deal... and swooped out quicker than you reading this. I know I should not have done what I did. I had no business being there.

Thank you all for responding. I?m so torn. I know he just wants to help me stay clean but I am freaked out!

 

[N2theavenue]

He doesn't want to help you do anything. It's an excuse for him to control you. He was doing it before he ever knew you had an addiction. That's how he found out. What was his excuse then. You do not need to explain to anyone here why you drove by your dealers house. That's irrelevant. Step back and look at this situation like an outsider, it's not ok. All I can say is get out now, before it gets worse.

 

[Astronautsammy]

I found myself doing the same thing, when I discovered my boyfriend was using. One lie leads to a constant image burned in your head that this person is not trustworthy and causes you to wonder what else they’re hiding. The best thing you can do is to give him a reason to not question your every move by doing the right thing. Yes, it’s creepy and controlling, but on the receiving end of things, he probably feels like you used because of something within the relationship and he feels he needs to try to correct this, so normalcy can be achieved. He is taking it as a personal attack against himself and probably feeling inadequate by not being able to provide you with any tool to prevent you from using, when that isn’t the reason. It took me years to realize this.

 

[Cheshire_Kat]

This so so not ok. You've only been dating him for 6 months?! He sounds like he could even become dangerous. Leave him and leave him now. When my husband of 7 years found out I was on opiates all he did was limit my use of the bank account. He was very supportive in my recovery process and never tracked (stalked) me. This guy sounds crazy.

I don't care if some one knows you for a day or a century, that is simply not right.
Period.

Run, do not walk away fom this relationship. It is unhealthy.

 

[ShroomySatori]

If you do break up be careful about relapse as it nearly happened to you after a long while, and that will be stressful. I wouldn't underestimate what you did either, not being able to drive by the house. Be careful, it seems like you are revving up for a relapse reading that. I'd be personally way more concerned about that and if you do use even once he will do everything to break you.

 

[CloverC]

He is probably thinking 24/7 about what you are doing because he cares for you. Yes it seems like he?s being controlling and being that way after 6 months is heavy however I have been - still am - in the situation your boyfriend is in however I am 4 years into my relationship. I have no idea as to what my partner is doing. He tells so many lies about his whereabouts that it?s got to the point that I never believe a word he says. But I want him to stay clean so badly, I don?t want him to be the person he is when he?s on drugs. My relationship is at the brink - I want to leave so badly however we are tied up with family stuff and I genuinely think he would harm himself if I left him. My life is shit, and your boyfriend might be feeling the same way. If you don?t want questions, just do the right thing and he will have no reason to. Driving past your dealers place was a mistake, and he is probably in panic mode thinking a relapse is on the way. You sound a bit like my boyfriend - he sometimes forgets that it?s a big deal for me to live this life with him. Cut him some slack.

 

[raedok]

Definitely not okay. He's not worth being with(IMO) if he is keeping tabs on you like that. If he can't trust you and will go to that extent to find out where you've been and what you're doing, I would say he's way out of line.

 

[teflon320]

He is probably thinking 24/7 about what you are doing because he cares for you. Yes it seems like he?s being controlling and being that way after 6 months is heavy however I have been - still am - in the situation your boyfriend is in however I am 4 years into my relationship. I have no idea as to what my partner is doing. He tells so many lies about his whereabouts that it?s got to the point that I never believe a word he says. But I want him to stay clean so badly, I don?t want him to be the person he is when he?s on drugs. My relationship is at the brink - I want to leave so badly however we are tied up with family stuff and I genuinely think he would harm himself if I left him. My life is shit, and your boyfriend might be feeling the same way. If you don?t want questions, just do the right thing and he will have no reason to. Driving past your dealers place was a mistake, and he is probably in panic mode thinking a relapse is on the way. You sound a bit like my boyfriend - he sometimes forgets that it?s a big deal for me to live this life with him. Cut him some slack.

I agree with this. Have you invited this on yourself? Did you ask him to watch out for you? Think about what has been said because sometimes we forget what we said exactly and the other person may have taken it the wrong way. Best thing you can do is talk to him and find out why he is spying on you. Try and be as open and as honest as you can.

I know I have told my S/O to tell me when I was doing something self destructive. Usually I end up blowing up. Because I'm an asshole after all. But I asked for it so..

On the other hand someone following you around and looking through your things may be a sign of a controlling person. You may want to confirm this and then decide if you should leave.

 

[Derschieber]

Talking with strangers on a forum is okay...but you must talk with him about all this. Communicate meaningfully and often. Every day seems about right.