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Boyfriend issues.

N

Needdesire

Guest
My bf of almost 3 years and I have lots of issues...
I used to bitch about it.. or try to talk about it ( not possible ) or fight about it, I tried every way of letting my feelings out but gave up.

When we fuck which is strictly once a week (rarely more) he never kisses me I always had to ask or feel like I had to force him to kiss me and it was always like that... now for a year we don't kiss ever. He considers kissing like a peck on the lips or a two second kiss a real kiss. Or kissing my cheeks and forehead are real kisses... I dont get what i consider a real kiss with passion and emotional feeling put in... I never did as much as my exs but it used to be enough... now its never and i dont try anymore since i feel like i ask for it or feel like im forcing him...

Other than kissing he doesn't touch my body in any way... before sex there is no foreplay which is strange... but when i think about it... it was almost always like that. It's been over a year he went down on me.. he refuses to touch my breasts... I feel like i should start begging him.. but that would be pathetic and he already knows i want it but he doesnt care.

Then during sex its really stictly him thrusting in and out for 5-10 min and nothing happens... i fake a orgasm 98 percent of the time he then leaves and its done. if i dont fake a orgasm he wont even try to make me cum after... thats why i started faking them... to maybe make him feel less like shit instead of saying " i havent had a orgasm in 3 months "

Sex was always fucked up with him but we made it work... at least we had it enough and i would orgasm. We used to kiss sometimes during sex and the sex lasted more than 5-10 min... it didn't feel planned out... i wasn't scared to have sex with him. I LOVE touching him and his body and his dick and kissing him all over... he doesnt kiss me anywhere except for stupid 1 second pecks on my face that mean nothing, he doesn't touch my body in anyway, doesn't care if a orgasm..

Before this guy i had all the confidence in the world. I loved my body and loved doing anything for sex with a man i liked. With this guy it was always complicated. Sex isnt fun its scary and awkward as fuck. He says i do NO effort to excite him but i'm like... if you cant even kiss me or touch me and havent done so in a LONG time where would i start? How the fuck do i try when we dont do the basic things every other couple does.

The worst part is I think he thinks sex is pretty good and our relationship is doing okay, but it isn't good and it isn't doing okay...it could be so good, I know that... he still gives me pleasure during sex just since he does nothing before sex it takes a long time for my body to get ready for sex after he starts sex with me... and he doesnt have sex long enough for me to go through that phase and be able to orgasm....
He knows how to touch a girl and have good sex he did with all his exs he told me his shitty storys from the past and all i think is... why not me?

I started going out alone at night to bars and stuff when he isn't home... I never get drunk and I never flirt with other men my self. But every single time I get free drinks and guys who are trying to get with me.. and its more than my boyfriend gives me... I had sevreal chances to cheat on him the last few weeks and i never once did. I dont want another man I want MY MAN but i want to feel desired so much more... and like a pathetic girl that i am... i go bar hoping to get attention since its as close i can get to feeling desired without cheating.

I used to always want to drink or try to get him to drink a few glasses of wine or cocktails because I know he ends up kissing me and maybe having sex and wanting me more. A few months ago we would did cocaine a few times ( we go on and off with it) and i would plan out days hoping we do it since he would want me more... but that was never real. He was fucked up and would have fucked anything moving but im pathetic to accept it

To him its normal after 3 years we dont want eachother the same way... and i get it.. passion goes and etc after being together a long time but... out of ALL my friends who have been in a 2 year+ relationship... i am the only one who has awkward sex and never gets touched and kissed.

Really i dont know why im writing this... i dont think anyone can even help me or give advice... im just stuck and in love with someone who has no desire for me in any way.
I thought about open relationships ( which i dont want another man and he would even accept a open relationsip), i thought about sexless relationship so i can at least give up the hope we will fix it ( he said no ), he doesnt want porn during sex ( probably because he knows he cant fuck me like they do or he doesnt want to hurt me by being hard for once while watching other girls )

Or maybe I'm crazy. Does every couple go through this? A shitty sex life and nothing physical between eachother going on? Is that really how its supposed to happen?
 
Hmmm. No it isn't normal, if anything I've seen people in LTR getting more cuddly and touchy feely over time.

OP, I really don't know how else to put it so I'm going to ask and please just ignore me if you think I'm wrong or full of crap. BUT... he fucks you like a closeted gay man would fuck his girlfriend. The lack of intimacy, the dislike of lady parts, the unwillingness to kiss or engage in physical affection, the refusal to put porn on (perhaps his favourite porn id different to what you imaging). Is there any chance he might be gay?

Either way, you're not fulfilled, you're not happy and you're not getting your needs met. If I were you I'd be honest, stop faking orgasms and lay it out on the table. But remember, as difficult as it is, we can't make somebody want us :( big hugs x
 
Sorry its not going well. If you end up breaking up with him he is perfect for the the one I just left.
 
I've been in many LTRs and while it's normal for the passion to subside, sadly, it is NOT normal for him to not want to kiss/foreplay with you!

I mean, I can't even imagine not kissing passionately. honestly, you should have known right away when he was a lousy kisser that he was lousy in bed. but, you love him, so whatever. I can't even imagine not wanting to grab a girl's boobies. I mean - boobies!

sounds like he is just a dud in the sack. and it sounds like if you stay with him you are going to end up cheating on him

you say he probably thinks that he is good in bed. well, I think you should try communicating your desires a little better - if you want this relationship to work out
 
I don't have anything to say but GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT RELATIONSHIP. My god, that sounds like torture.
 
I have to agree with lola....to me it sounds like he might be gay and is just going through the motions of being in a LTR with a girl so that no-one suspects he's gay. But there is no way of us knowing that from the brief info we've read here.

Needdesire I am just so sorry to hear that this is affecting your own self-esteem and confidence. You really need to take care of your own needs if he's not, and I mean both physical and emotional. If you're not happy, talk to him and specifically tell him you're not happy with how the relationship is going. Don't make it a heated conversation/fight. Be calm and mature, and point out to him all the things about the relationship that you're not happy with. Ask him if he's willing to work on the relationship with you, to make it better. Relationships are not one-sided and if they're not working you need to try and fix that. I know you said you've tried to talk to him about the sex issues in the past and it got you nowhere. But seriously, if he's not willing to even TRY to please you in bed.....what is the point?! Sex in a relationship isn't just sex. It's about emotional bonding, and it's really important. If you guys aren't sexually compatible it goes far deeper than just a physical thing.

Good luck hun <3
 
Bad kissers are a major red flag and a turn off. Don't waste your time, girl. That sex sounds completely awful. Wow.
 
He won't go down on you? That's so lame...

Tell him to tongue-strum the ol' clitar or you're not blowing his bagpipe.
 
He also sounds really selfish and lazy if he's not even willing to TRY to please you in bed.
 
Needdesire said:
My bf of almost 3 years and I have lots of issues...
I used to bitch about it.. or try to talk about it ( not possible ) or fight about it, I tried every way of letting my feelings out but gave up.

When we fuck which is strictly once a week (rarely more) he never kisses me I always had to ask or feel like I had to force him to kiss me and it was always like that... now for a year we don't kiss ever. He considers kissing like a peck on the lips or a two second kiss a real kiss. Or kissing my cheeks and forehead are real kisses... I dont get what i consider a real kiss with passion and emotional feeling put in... I never did as much as my exs but it used to be enough... now its never and i dont try anymore since i feel like i ask for it or feel like im forcing him...

Other than kissing he doesn't touch my body in any way... before sex there is no foreplay which is strange... but when i think about it... it was almost always like that. It's been over a year he went down on me.. he refuses to touch my breasts... I feel like i should start begging him.. but that would be pathetic and he already knows i want it but he doesnt care.

Then during sex its really stictly him thrusting in and out for 5-10 min and nothing happens... i fake a orgasm 98 percent of the time he then leaves and its done. if i dont fake a orgasm he wont even try to make me cum after... thats why i started faking them... to maybe make him feel less like shit instead of saying " i havent had a orgasm in 3 months "

Sex was always fucked up with him but we made it work... at least we had it enough and i would orgasm. We used to kiss sometimes during sex and the sex lasted more than 5-10 min... it didn't feel planned out... i wasn't scared to have sex with him. I LOVE touching him and his body and his dick and kissing him all over... he doesnt kiss me anywhere except for stupid 1 second pecks on my face that mean nothing, he doesn't touch my body in anyway, doesn't care if a orgasm..

Before this guy i had all the confidence in the world. I loved my body and loved doing anything for sex with a man i liked. With this guy it was always complicated. Sex isnt fun its scary and awkward as fuck. He says i do NO effort to excite him but i'm like... if you cant even kiss me or touch me and havent done so in a LONG time where would i start? How the fuck do i try when we dont do the basic things every other couple does.

The worst part is I think he thinks sex is pretty good and our relationship is doing okay, but it isn't good and it isn't doing okay...it could be so good, I know that... he still gives me pleasure during sex just since he does nothing before sex it takes a long time for my body to get ready for sex after he starts sex with me... and he doesnt have sex long enough for me to go through that phase and be able to orgasm....
He knows how to touch a girl and have good sex he did with all his exs he told me his shitty storys from the past and all i think is... why not me?

I started going out alone at night to bars and stuff when he isn't home... I never get drunk and I never flirt with other men my self. But every single time I get free drinks and guys who are trying to get with me.. and its more than my boyfriend gives me... I had sevreal chances to cheat on him the last few weeks and i never once did. I dont want another man I want MY MAN but i want to feel desired so much more... and like a pathetic girl that i am... i go bar hoping to get attention since its as close i can get to feeling desired without cheating.

I used to always want to drink or try to get him to drink a few glasses of wine or cocktails because I know he ends up kissing me and maybe having sex and wanting me more. A few months ago we would did cocaine a few times ( we go on and off with it) and i would plan out days hoping we do it since he would want me more... but that was never real. He was fucked up and would have fucked anything moving but im pathetic to accept it

To him its normal after 3 years we dont want eachother the same way... and i get it.. passion goes and etc after being together a long time but... out of ALL my friends who have been in a 2 year+ relationship... i am the only one who has awkward sex and never gets touched and kissed.

Really i dont know why im writing this... i dont think anyone can even help me or give advice... im just stuck and in love with someone who has no desire for me in any way.
I thought about open relationships ( which i dont want another man and he would even accept a open relationsip), i thought about sexless relationship so i can at least give up the hope we will fix it ( he said no ), he doesnt want porn during sex ( probably because he knows he cant fuck me like they do or he doesnt want to hurt me by being hard for once while watching other girls )

Or maybe I'm crazy. Does every couple go through this? A shitty sex life and nothing physical between eachother going on? Is that really how its supposed to happen?
Click to expand...

This girl needs some male friends.
 
Sounds like you've tried to talk to him about it, since you mentioned how he responded to various suggestions. The sad thing is, even when you love someone, if they can't or won't give you what you need, you are better off in the long term cutting them loose. Don't waste the best years of your life on a guy that doesn't even satisfy you in bed. Just my two cents.
 
Needdesire said:
Does every couple go through this? A shitty sex life and nothing physical between eachother going on? Is that really how its supposed to happen?
Click to expand...
No way. It *really* doesn't have to be like this. Sex is definitely better with my partner now than it was in the beginning. We know each other so well, what the other likes/wants/needs. And lots of foreplay -- maybe half an hour, an hour? We take our time ... like we've got something better to do?!?

Which brings me to the oral sex thing. The fact is that very few women are going to have an orgasm just 'cause some guy has been thrusting away at them for 5 or 10 minutes. Give me a break! This isn't 1950 ... and every guy who lives in a society in which there's any kind of free exchange of "intimate information" knows this. C'mon.

I actually feel badly writing this because I don't want *you* to feel badly. But, I suspect you already know all this. Accepting it may be a different matter -- I acknowledge that. I can't begin to speculate on whether your BF is secretly gay or cheating on you or depressed or whatever! I mean, who knows? But, as I started with, things truly don't have to play out like this after (a mere) three years. I'm just assuming that you guys are young -- based on what I suspect is the average age of people on this forum. You should be having amazing sex every few nights. Why not? That's what young adults in love do.

Sorry ... really sorry. :(
 
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op i too have found myself in a situation similar to yours and can honestly only put it down to sexual incompatibility. you can beg your man to change and work on the issue, but every time he selfishlessly ignores your needs and simply fulfils his own your esteem and willingness to tolerate it is going to deteriorate to the point where (it already seems) the damage and neglect will spill into other aspects of your relationships and affect it negatively.

its a toxic situation to be in long term and one that will only create issues for you further down the track if you allow it to continue. if he cannot mutually fulfil your needs and desires as you do his, and you are needing to expand yourself socially and at bars with random strangers simply to feel validated as a woman and attractive to the opposite sex, then this is not a healthy relationship to be in.

as lola (and gratuitous grace) have mentioned, you cant nor should have to beg your significant other to love and please you. when it comes from a genuine place and is real; mutual love and respect simply occurs.

good luck <3

...kytnism...:|
 
He's selfish.
Not every LTR is like this.
Yes, sometimes the sex slows down. I've been with my boyfriend for over three years and we don't have sex quite as much as we did when we started dating. But it's passionate, it's fun, we both enjoy it, and we both want the other to enjoy it.
Also... not kissing? Not touching? At all?? Honestly?? I'm not a very physical person myself (meaning I don't *need* to be touched a lot) but, if I wasn't at all, I would think there was something wrong.

You can do better... you should do better. You said it yourself, guys hit on you when you go out. You want that again. You need that passion, it doesn't go away after you've been in a relationship, not if it's a good one anyway.
 
Honestly, I met my partner at 17, 10 years later the sex is still pretty mind blowing in my opinion and "apperently" his (another story another time)
Point being I'm a very sexual person!!! And sex is good, kisses are good....the look across a crowded dinner table that silently says "I'm having you ASAP sexy"
Yes we have disagreements and attitudes are different but chick, after 3 years....give up and find a man that can make you horny with just one look, make your stomach flutter with a single touch, and your heart jump with a kiss. You need life support ASAP and honestly your next man will be a very lucky man....you have a lot of tension to get rid of lol but first get rid of your cling on, and honestly he really does sound like a closet case x
 
I hardly give the one liner advice, but

Leave em.

The thought in the back of my mind, is that he isn't really attracted to you, and he is turned off by you, and that he keeps you around for sex period and maybe some twisted emotional fulfillment.
Could be that or plenty of other things, but either way, you're incompatible naturally. He's being himself right now, and for your situation to change, he'd have to be some one else, and as possible as that is, he'll return to baseline.

Just leave him.
 
Gratuitous Grace said:
No way. It *really* doesn't have to be like this. Maybe I'm at the other end of the spectrum, but I'm just as physically attracted to my GF today as I was when we met more than seven years ago. Maybe more so. And we're in our early-40s! (Ancient, I know ... LOL!) Holding her hand or touching her in any way is still exciting. So we're very cuddly ... lots of physical contact all the time, hugs and kisses for no reason. It just feels right. And sex is definitely better now than it was in the beginning. We know each other so well, what the other likes/wants/needs. And lots of foreplay -- maybe half an hour, an hour? We take our time ... like we've got something better to do?!?

Which brings me to the oral sex thing: I don't think she and I have *ever* had sex -- like not even once in seven years -- where I didn't give her oral sex first. Maybe it's unusual, but that can actually be the best part of the whole experience (for both of us). In fact, I'm usually not satisfied by the time she is. That is, she's done -- can't take any more -- and I want to continue. I guess for me, that's just about the most intimate connection there is, and I really can't get enough.

OK ... that's me being overly-romantic about the whole thing! <3 LOL! How about we just be practical? The fact is that she (and you and every other woman I've ever been with) is not going to have an orgasm just 'cause some guy has been thrusting away at her for 5 or 10 minutes. Give me a break! This isn't 1950 ... and every guy who lives in a society in which there's any kind of free exchange of "intimate information" knows this. C'mon.

I actually feel badly writing this because I don't want *you* to feel badly. But, I suspect you already know all this. Accepting it may be a different matter -- I acknowledge that. I can't begin to speculate on whether your BF is secretly gay or cheating on you or depressed or whatever! I mean, who knows? But, as I started with, things truly don't have to play out like this after (a mere) three years. I'm just assuming that you guys are younger -- based on what I suspect is the average age of people on this forum. You should be having amazing sex every few nights. Why not? That's what young adults in love do.

Sorry ... really sorry. :(
Click to expand...

awwwwww I like this post.
 
me too

I'm also going through the same thing..I see its been a few years since this post..please let me know what the outcome of this situation was.... Im devastated because I know I may have to turn the page my self.
 
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