Book recommendation on healing with MDMA assisted therapy

[robbli777]

I've started reading a book called Trust Surrender Receive published in 2017, writing about people's first-hand experiences with MDMA in a therapeutic setting helping them to revisit traumatic experiences and release them. The first few experiences I read I felt an overwhelming connection of empathy especially when one person speaks about healing pre, post-natal and multi generational trauma that resonates with my own experiences immensely. For anyone struggling with depression, anxiety or PTSD related symptoms, I highly recommend this book. (y)

 

[MountainTrails]

Just ordered it, thanks. For me, personally, the idea of getting comfortable enough with a therapist to go through a session seems impossible. Like, years of trust building and all those associated dollar$. So a book like this seems like it could be a really good resource.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Just ordered it, thanks. For me, personally, the idea of getting comfortable enough with a therapist to go through a session seems impossible. Like, years of trust building and all those associated dollar$. So a book like this seems like it could be a really good resource.

If vets do it, you can too -- you don't have 3 cojones.

 

[MountainTrails]

If vets do it, you can too -- you don't have 3 cojones.

I take the comment as general encouragement, though I'm not sure I get the cojones bit.

The whole therapist/session comment is related to a generalized watcher/observer problem I have. "I will do this and observe the effects on you." Ah, no, I think perhaps not. The trust it takes to get me beyond that point has happened exactly once in my life.

If the book gives me some insights, it'll be a win.

 

[robbli777]

If the book gives me some insights, it'll be a win.

I'm confident it will, I'm on page 150 at the moment. Just wow, this is so eye-opening reading about such a diversity of testimonials.
It's criminal and immoral MDMA is illegal to use therapeutically. I guess the government and pharmaceutical companies don't want people to heal from trauma and associated symptoms. Keeping people sick equates profits.

 

[G_Chem]

Just ordered it, thanks. For me, personally, the idea of getting comfortable enough with a therapist to go through a session seems impossible. Like, years of trust building and all those associated dollar$. So a book like this seems like it could be a really good resource.

Have you tried MDMA before? The MDMA brings down all barriers. I’ve watched previously very shy introverted people tell their life story to complete strangers on the stuff.

-GC

 

[MountainTrails]

Have you tried MDMA before? The MDMA brings down all barriers. I’ve watched previously very shy introverted people tell their life story to complete strangers on the stuff.

-GC

Yeah, and I'm aware of the feeling of being able to assess/consider something without anxiety.

So the problem is putting myself into a situation like that without MDMA operating, i.e., with the basic mistrust of people in place. That is a massive thing in my life currently. I have learned in my life -- and it was somewhat recently reinforced -- that I can misjudge people pretty badly, that people I trust can and will screw me, manipulate me, etc., it goes on and on. I don't see myself settling into a therapist's chair and taking a pill and pretending trust until the pill hits; the trust needs to be there beforehand, if that makes sense. And the timeframe for that, for me, is long.

It seems like a pretty deep problem. What else is new, right? So, the book seems useful, and I am looking forward to it.

 

[MountainTrails]

I finished the book tonight. It took a while as I kept having to put it down.

I found it interesting, but it also made me sad. There were so many familiar things in so many of the stories, and memories came back. Also in my face was a greater understanding of the chasm I feel between me and the world, as I kept thinking sadly, But not for me. Too late for me. [I'm in my 60s, and much of life has passed.] I thought of all the unpleasantness around things (autistic things) that were not understood. The gagging on food, the textures of clothing that made my skin crawl, the "strongly self-directed" thing -- all worthy of punishment. And then there was the full-on abuse of 14 years, including getting burned with cigarettes and having my head cracking drywall (I still have a visceral reaction when I think, What if my head had hit a stud?).

It was also interesting to compare my own solo experiences to the stories. Set and setting for me has always been a problem. My wife is and has been absolutely 100% hostile about the topic, to the extent of either a) refusing to be in the house and getting a hotel room for the night (we have more than one bedroom, c'mon), or b) I sit in the bedroom closet with the door closed. Still, even with that, as I mentioned in a post at some point, something happened. I seem to have regained the ability to cry. And the book made sense of what I had described as slow writhing (a somatic release thing?) Both had surprised me when they occurred.

I get that the medicine "does the work" (in some sense), but the idea of listening to music with my eyes covered, on a drug, somewhat open/vulnerable, with someone in the room -- yeah, no. Near the end the author talks about trust, and I definitely have issues that go back to the crib. It's hard to see a way around that one.

So what now? It's been a while since I've tried MDMA -- such a hassle for me, and it's both exhausting and demoralizing to fight my wife -- and at some point I suspect I will fire up the browser, head to the dark web, and throw the dice again anyway. I'm going to try to get my wife to read the book, and then maybe set and setting would be not so suboptimal. Really, the alternative is to continue to just endure. That path of enduring, and then hopefully discovering why I ever was and what the point was, is the one I'm on. I don't like it so much. It would be interesting to have self-esteem, I think, also.

So I would recommend the book. It was thoughtfully written, though the anthropomorphism of MDMA (the medicine knows, for example) was irritating.

Thank you for the post that brought the book to my attention.

 

[robbli777]

I found it interesting, but it also made me sad. There were so many familiar things in so many of the stories, and memories came back. Also in my face was a greater understanding of the chasm I feel between me and the world, as I kept thinking sadly, But not for me. Too late for me. [I'm in my 60s, and much of life has passed.] I thought of all the unpleasantness around things (autistic things) that were not understood. The gagging on food, the textures of clothing that made my skin crawl, the "strongly self-directed" thing -- all worthy of punishment. And then there was the full-on abuse of 14 years, including getting burned with cigarettes and having my head cracking drywall (I still have a visceral reaction when I think, What if my head had hit a stud?).

I'm glad you read it. Yes, it's sad reading how so many people go through life living with deeply rooted trauma and things holding them back whether from childhood or adult experiences stuck in limbo despite using traditional medicines and therapeutic practices that just stick a plaster over a wound rather than heal. Please do not think it's too late and you're too old, you have many years left to heal and release the trauma from your past.

It was also interesting to compare my own solo experiences to the stories. Set and setting for me has always been a problem. My wife is and has been absolutely 100% hostile about the topic, to the extent of either a) refusing to be in the house and getting a hotel room for the night (we have more than one bedroom, c'mon), or b) I sit in the bedroom closet with the door closed. Still, even with that, as I mentioned in a post at some point, something happened. I seem to have regained the ability to cry. And the book made sense of what I had described as slow writhing (a somatic release thing?) Both had surprised me when they occurred.

What setting do you feel would make you safe and comfortable? Sorry to hear your wife is against it.

I get that the medicine "does the work" (in some sense), but the idea of listening to music with my eyes covered, on a drug, somewhat open/vulnerable, with someone in the room -- yeah, no. Near the end the author talks about trust, and I definitely have issues that go back to the crib. It's hard to see a way around that one.

I share the sentiments. Hence, important to find someone who is genuine and knows how assist an individual with MDMA therapeutically. I've found a therapist with excellent credentials out of spontaneous luck who has experienced psychedelic medicines which helped them heal their own past trauma. There are wounded healers everywhere, it's a matter of finding the right ones.

So what now? It's been a while since I've tried MDMA -- such a hassle for me, and it's both exhausting and demoralizing to fight my wife -- and at some point I suspect I will fire up the browser, head to the dark web, and throw the dice again anyway. I'm going to try to get my wife to read the book, and then maybe set and setting would be not so suboptimal. Really, the alternative is to continue to just endure. That path of enduring, and then hopefully discovering why I ever was and what the point was, is the one I'm on. I don't like it so much. It would be interesting to have self-esteem, I think, also.

Agreed, your wife reading the book is an important stepping stone, and will hopefully be more open-minded and supportive after, what do think is holding her back?

So I would recommend the book. It was thoughtfully written, though the anthropomorphism of MDMA (the medicine knows, for example) was irritating.
Thank you for the post that brought the book to my attention.

I'm comfortable with and liked the anthropomorphism in the book. I felt my previous (sometimes painfully difficult) experiences with ayahuasca and psilocybin were nudging me towards the path of exploring MDMA therapeutically. I agree it's thoughtfully written with powerful testimonies. Feel free to update here on any future developments, all the best with the journey of healing your heart and inner child.

 

[MountainTrails]

I'm glad you read it. Yes, it's sad reading how so many people go through life living with deeply rooted trauma and things holding them back whether from childhood or adult experiences stuck in limbo despite using traditional medicines and therapeutic practices that just stick a plaster over a wound rather than heal. Please do not think it's too late and you're too old, you have many years left to heal and release the trauma from your past.

I should be clearer. A lot of my life has passed, and it's been miserable at times. No getting that back. No do-overs. But, no doubt, there are still serious benefits/relief to be gained. When I made the "too late" statement, it was more a reflection on a lifetime of learned behaviors, thought patterns, self-image, burned down deep into my neural circuitry.

There were things after childhood, pretty recent actually, that my response (or inability to respond effectively) shocked me and made me think that old unhealed wounds had been gouged open and were festering again. Hence the current interest in addressing it.

What setting do you feel would make you safe and comfortable? Sorry to hear your wife is against it.

A nonhostile one? lol. Really, that's about it. I'd like not to start by looking at her angry, unhappy, pinched expression as I tread upstairs full of bad emotions and lock the door. (The door was to preclude the possibility of her losing impulse control and coming in mid-session to start shit.) I'm comfortable doing this alone.

I share the sentiments. Hence, important to find someone who is genuine and knows how assist an individual with MDMA therapeutically. I've found a therapist with excellent credentials out of spontaneous luck who has experienced psychedelic medicines which helped them heal their own past trauma. There are wounded healers everywhere, it's a matter of finding the right ones.

Finding a therapist isn't the problem. I am confident that my local area has therapists who are sympathetic toward this substance and have experience with PTSD and autism. The problem's in my head. I just can't fathom how I would get to the point of trust. So, the solo thing ...

Agreed, your wife reading the book is an important stepping stone, and will hopefully be more open-minded and supportive after, what do think is holding her back?

Well, there's a generalized drug concern. In the autism thread, I shared that I had an intervention a decade ago whilst dabbling with quasilegal RCs. But it seems clear there's more than that, unshared with me. The reason I say that is that couple years ago, I asked her to do some research on the topic, as she clearly felt I was spinning her with what I was saying. But she came back with the methamphetamine and hole in your brain stuff, which was appalling. It was appalling because she has some serious scholarly/academic chops, and the quality of her efforts indicated to me that she had gone looking for something specific (negative), and found it, and was done.

She has started the book, and I am happy. Dunno the outcome, but it will surely include better information in her head.

I'm comfortable with and liked the anthropomorphism in the book. I felt my previous (sometimes painfully difficult) experiences with ayahuasca and psilocybin were nudging me towards the path of exploring MDMA therapeutically. I agree it's thoughtfully written with powerful testimonies. Feel free to update here on any future developments, all the best with the journey of healing your heart and inner child.

Thanks. I really appreciate the encouragement and the conversation. (Hey, look at me, I'm socializing!)