Wow we are like twinsies my friend.
@rustbeltgoldenchild I have a very similar mentality.
There were definitely days in sobriety earlier on where I would be ready to use and say fuck it.
But I learned. Instead of buying Heroin, I would use a Methadone dose rectally. The drug takes effect 2x quickly via this route.
I would pulverize 100mg Diphenhydramine tablets and mix it all up. Then, I would feel my Methadone coming on along with a histamine reaction that almost feels like Morphine/Heroin.
This behavior, taking these things together has a huge impact on the subjective experience for me.