tantric
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Messages
- 867
a minute ago i posted some drivel i'd written about my boo and our 'relationship' and was properly schooled, told to clean it up and put it in my blog. thus i did. this is more readable - of interest to people in relationships where mental health is an issue.
i guess it’s time to fill y’all in about my boo. i met a guy, more than 10 years ago, on an online dating site whose address was the same tiny town as me, so i messaged him. he was a cutie, but way too young, more than 10 years younger than me. this particular boo has a fantastic sexy accent, pure trailerpark. he says ‘purty’ and he’s easy on the eyes, but at that time, i didn’t give him much thought. we hung out some. that was in the early days of research chemicals, the piperazine era, and i was making and selling bootie pills. this involved mixing BZP, mCPP and TFMPP in the right ratios (i know now that pips aren’t safe, but this was the dark ages) and i had fun teaching boo how to do this. we also built an aquarium together, while tripping on 5MeO-DiPT. meaning we glued pretty stones to it with silicone sealant, and had a blast. then we somehow decided to hit the atl and pick up another guy for a threesome…..i’m not sure that was my idea, but it was done. memory – one of the hottest things i’ve ever seen was when me and boo were 69ing while the other guy fucked him – i had his dick in my mouth and i could see everything up close, very nice. so, the next day, boo stole a bottle of 100 of these pills, along with another bottle i’d already fronted him and he was having trouble coming up with, and ran off to texas with said guy.. right.
so, recently, he shows up on the dating site again, messages me and says he wants to apologize, i’m going through some evil shit with my neice having cancer, so i decide to risk it and go over to his place. first, however, i remove anything valuable from my wallet and vehicle. but when he apologizes, it’s *very* heartfelt. i can tell he’d been worrying about it the whole time, letting it eat at him. plus, he still looks good, right? so i believe him and forgive him – “if losing that shit was what was required to get me here with you now, it was worth it”. here’s the thing – when boo touches me, i don’t flinch away like i do with everyone else. it feels okay, good, even. i’m thinking it’s because we were lovers long ago and my body remembers….but i know it’s nice and i really need to be held. we talk and talk and then i reach over and take his face and turn it to me and kiss him hollywood. and then its on and it’s oh so good.
i waited – i wanted to be sure i wasn’t just needing someone, anyone. i looked for the signs. what got me? how he treats his mother. his mom is a shit for nothing junkie who’d gladly trade her son for a fix, but boo just ignores it and goes on taking care of her. because he loves his mamma. and the plants – he keeps houseplants and loves them. with those things, i know – it’s not just someone, it’s him, my boo, my bright and shiny boo whom i love like the ocean loves the moon.
then we try to have a relationship and it’s totally not on. boo is bipolar, or that’s what they call it. personally, i see borderline personality disorder complicated by post traumatic stress. my boo has had a VERY rough life. one of the reasons he is my boo is that he’s a surviror. from my perspective, we enjoy spending time together then later, apart, in his memory it gets twisted, where i’m this monster abuser who pushes him to be a total shithead. this seems to be how boo does relationships – he’s a dominant bottom who controls passively. make no mistake, my boo, my bright and shiny, is POWERFUL. his ex, now again bf he calls dumdum, i suspect boo just rewrites his history, makes him be the bad guy, so boo is the victim and is justified in ‘letting the monster out of the cage’.
so, how do you think that shit is going to fly with me, tantric? “I AM NOT A BAD PERSON AND YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM” but by that time, he’s deep into it, and everything i say is more abuse. and what he says to me is harsh. boo’s emotional intelligence is off the charts, and he knows just what to say. so it’s ugly. and then there’s the sex, or lack there of. the second time we fucked, he was blitzed on meth and i couldn’t handle it. i stopped him and said, ‘”boo, i’m not your dildo. where are you?” you can imagine how that went over. but i hate methsex – its vulgar and banal and soulless and exactly NOT what i want to do with him. but we won’t do it any other way – he’s traumatized, he can’t face it sober. hmmmmm. i immediately develop incurable methdick. meaning i’m not going to do sex with him the way he wants. and when i order some acetyldenafil, he breaks up with me. i suspect it was because had we done it that way, me sober, i would have been the true dominant partner, and boo wasn’t about to let that happen. so yuck and lots of more hateful shit with my sister, who tries to steal boo from me and seems to succeed…..then when she’s done wrecking my life, she steal a 1/16 from him and pretends he stole it, terminates the friendship and assumes i believe all her shit.
i promptly go see boo and get the real story, which is much worse than i’d imagined. my sister is a monster. i warned boo to stay away from her, tried to keep them apart, but he wouldn’t have it and boy, did he learn his lesson. so we reconnect a bit. just as friends (right). i tell boo my truck (danyris truckgarion) is at his disposle and we have some fun times running errands. he gets me some bud, and we have a few smoke outs. all through this, i’m emailing him my best stuff – writing from the heart, japanese poetry, etc. i’m good at that shit, no lie.
sample email:
“
so, to my standards, things are going well. he’s back with dumdum, but he’s also getting his meds straightened out and tapering off the geek. we’ve hung out together a few times, and had real communication – that’s part of it for us. i’m the person he can really talk to. he bitches all the time that people only want to use him for sex or drugs, but he *knows* that’s not me. i love him cause he’s my bright and shiny, for who he is…..”i see your true colors, that’s why i love you”. make no mistake – my first bf was bipolar and i lived with it for 5 years. i have no illusions about what i’m getting into. boo has parts that are sharp and hooked, and they cut me when i hold him, but i know its worth it. but he’s starting to see through – he sees that my love doesn’t go anywhere, that he can’t destroy it. and he’s starting to think about the future, about how we could be together when we’re both good. and, of course, he still loves me a bit – i can tell in how he says ‘oooh’ we i say i have to go home, or how he kisses my neck when we hug goodbye. and he damn well knows i’d never have sex with him while he’s officially with someone else. that’s my thing – i always do the right thing. but it may take him a while to believe it. fine with me -a thing freely given is worthless, a thing hard earned is priceless.
i guess it’s time to fill y’all in about my boo. i met a guy, more than 10 years ago, on an online dating site whose address was the same tiny town as me, so i messaged him. he was a cutie, but way too young, more than 10 years younger than me. this particular boo has a fantastic sexy accent, pure trailerpark. he says ‘purty’ and he’s easy on the eyes, but at that time, i didn’t give him much thought. we hung out some. that was in the early days of research chemicals, the piperazine era, and i was making and selling bootie pills. this involved mixing BZP, mCPP and TFMPP in the right ratios (i know now that pips aren’t safe, but this was the dark ages) and i had fun teaching boo how to do this. we also built an aquarium together, while tripping on 5MeO-DiPT. meaning we glued pretty stones to it with silicone sealant, and had a blast. then we somehow decided to hit the atl and pick up another guy for a threesome…..i’m not sure that was my idea, but it was done. memory – one of the hottest things i’ve ever seen was when me and boo were 69ing while the other guy fucked him – i had his dick in my mouth and i could see everything up close, very nice. so, the next day, boo stole a bottle of 100 of these pills, along with another bottle i’d already fronted him and he was having trouble coming up with, and ran off to texas with said guy.. right.
so, recently, he shows up on the dating site again, messages me and says he wants to apologize, i’m going through some evil shit with my neice having cancer, so i decide to risk it and go over to his place. first, however, i remove anything valuable from my wallet and vehicle. but when he apologizes, it’s *very* heartfelt. i can tell he’d been worrying about it the whole time, letting it eat at him. plus, he still looks good, right? so i believe him and forgive him – “if losing that shit was what was required to get me here with you now, it was worth it”. here’s the thing – when boo touches me, i don’t flinch away like i do with everyone else. it feels okay, good, even. i’m thinking it’s because we were lovers long ago and my body remembers….but i know it’s nice and i really need to be held. we talk and talk and then i reach over and take his face and turn it to me and kiss him hollywood. and then its on and it’s oh so good.
i waited – i wanted to be sure i wasn’t just needing someone, anyone. i looked for the signs. what got me? how he treats his mother. his mom is a shit for nothing junkie who’d gladly trade her son for a fix, but boo just ignores it and goes on taking care of her. because he loves his mamma. and the plants – he keeps houseplants and loves them. with those things, i know – it’s not just someone, it’s him, my boo, my bright and shiny boo whom i love like the ocean loves the moon.
then we try to have a relationship and it’s totally not on. boo is bipolar, or that’s what they call it. personally, i see borderline personality disorder complicated by post traumatic stress. my boo has had a VERY rough life. one of the reasons he is my boo is that he’s a surviror. from my perspective, we enjoy spending time together then later, apart, in his memory it gets twisted, where i’m this monster abuser who pushes him to be a total shithead. this seems to be how boo does relationships – he’s a dominant bottom who controls passively. make no mistake, my boo, my bright and shiny, is POWERFUL. his ex, now again bf he calls dumdum, i suspect boo just rewrites his history, makes him be the bad guy, so boo is the victim and is justified in ‘letting the monster out of the cage’.
so, how do you think that shit is going to fly with me, tantric? “I AM NOT A BAD PERSON AND YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM” but by that time, he’s deep into it, and everything i say is more abuse. and what he says to me is harsh. boo’s emotional intelligence is off the charts, and he knows just what to say. so it’s ugly. and then there’s the sex, or lack there of. the second time we fucked, he was blitzed on meth and i couldn’t handle it. i stopped him and said, ‘”boo, i’m not your dildo. where are you?” you can imagine how that went over. but i hate methsex – its vulgar and banal and soulless and exactly NOT what i want to do with him. but we won’t do it any other way – he’s traumatized, he can’t face it sober. hmmmmm. i immediately develop incurable methdick. meaning i’m not going to do sex with him the way he wants. and when i order some acetyldenafil, he breaks up with me. i suspect it was because had we done it that way, me sober, i would have been the true dominant partner, and boo wasn’t about to let that happen. so yuck and lots of more hateful shit with my sister, who tries to steal boo from me and seems to succeed…..then when she’s done wrecking my life, she steal a 1/16 from him and pretends he stole it, terminates the friendship and assumes i believe all her shit.
i promptly go see boo and get the real story, which is much worse than i’d imagined. my sister is a monster. i warned boo to stay away from her, tried to keep them apart, but he wouldn’t have it and boy, did he learn his lesson. so we reconnect a bit. just as friends (right). i tell boo my truck (danyris truckgarion) is at his disposle and we have some fun times running errands. he gets me some bud, and we have a few smoke outs. all through this, i’m emailing him my best stuff – writing from the heart, japanese poetry, etc. i’m good at that shit, no lie.
sample email:
“
so, to my standards, things are going well. he’s back with dumdum, but he’s also getting his meds straightened out and tapering off the geek. we’ve hung out together a few times, and had real communication – that’s part of it for us. i’m the person he can really talk to. he bitches all the time that people only want to use him for sex or drugs, but he *knows* that’s not me. i love him cause he’s my bright and shiny, for who he is…..”i see your true colors, that’s why i love you”. make no mistake – my first bf was bipolar and i lived with it for 5 years. i have no illusions about what i’m getting into. boo has parts that are sharp and hooked, and they cut me when i hold him, but i know its worth it. but he’s starting to see through – he sees that my love doesn’t go anywhere, that he can’t destroy it. and he’s starting to think about the future, about how we could be together when we’re both good. and, of course, he still loves me a bit – i can tell in how he says ‘oooh’ we i say i have to go home, or how he kisses my neck when we hug goodbye. and he damn well knows i’d never have sex with him while he’s officially with someone else. that’s my thing – i always do the right thing. but it may take him a while to believe it. fine with me -a thing freely given is worthless, a thing hard earned is priceless.