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Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

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It is my birthday. I shot some coke did a bunch of benzos hell I even banged a little fent. GOT some good presents like money nothing crazy but I had a good time. TIme lurwill tell I suppose.

So yeah sobriety isn't goin to well. BUT I feel so much better.

Love u guys and girls.
 
cj said:
It is my birthday. I shot some coke did a bunch of benzos hell I even banged a little fent. GOT some good presents like money nothing crazy but I had a good time. TIme lurwill tell I suppose.

So yeah sobriety isn't goin to well. BUT I feel so much better.

Love u guys and girls.
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do you feel "better" for the drugs though? Or is it just hiding the WD?

I truly, non judgementailly think you need very organinized taper

i was at~100 2mg etiz at one point, ruined me.Do what you feel comfortale with,
 
cj said:
It is my birthday. I shot some coke did a bunch of benzos hell I even banged a little fent. GOT some good presents like money nothing crazy but I had a good time. TIme lurwill tell I suppose.

So yeah sobriety isn't goin to well. BUT I feel so much better.

Love u guys and girls.
Click to expand...

Happy Birthday cj! I'm glad to hear you were able to enjoy your special day! *Hugs*
 
Cj you butthead lol no worries bro just make sure you stay in touch with me and call so i know youre okay. Me, you, and Moreaux need to have a 3-chat sometime! ;)
 
cj said:
It is my birthday. I shot some coke did a bunch of benzos hell I even banged a little fent. GOT some good presents like money nothing crazy but I had a good time. TIme lurwill tell I suppose.

So yeah sobriety isn't goin to well. BUT I feel so much better.

Love u guys and girls.
Click to expand...

Happy birthday CJ. Be careful with mixing the benzos, coke, and fent/heroin. Stay safe.
 
Happy belated birthday my brother from another mother! I owe you a phone call, don't eye ;) I will give you a ring as soon as I have some free time, likely Saturday.
 
Checking in. I am ok I guess. I have decided to stop doing therapy fpr awhile because its just talk and its expensive. My family is pushing me to get a job but I don't even have the motivation to take a shower lol.

The other day in the car I started telling my mom about the abuse and she basically screamed at me to stop talking about it and that this is why I she paid professionals. Like if she cant even deal with me telling her what happened how am I supposed to deal with remembering what happened everyday and live a "productive" life in the meantime as she calls it.
 
I think that's where family counseling will come in handy. She probably is having a hard time dealing with it herself and feels tremendous guilt that it happened and the repercussions of it happening (i.e. Your addiction). My family educated themselves about addiction to help me but my Mom could only discuss it a little at a time because she blames herself for my addiction. Now that I'm "healthy", they don't really want to talk about it and there are some things she won't discuss at all because it's too painful for her even though it's my pain. It hurts because I want to discuss it with her specifically since she's the only one who understands, but it's out of my control whether or not she will talk about it.

As difficult as it is your Mom has established a boundary that you have to respect. This may change in time and you will be able to discuss it, it may not. I recommend pushing for family counseling sooner so perhaps you two can discuss it or at least address it in the presence of a therapist as they may be able to help get her to talk about it.

Regarding therapy - can you find a new counselor or do you just need a break? With respect to a job, what type of job are they trying to get you to work - full time, part time? If you get one I recommend something relatively easy and stressfree as it could send you over the edge (I got a high stress job too soon and it was definitely a factor in my relapse). I also recommend staying away from the food service industry as while it is quick cash, it can be high stress and drugs are so readily available. Maybe consider a night job stocking shelves where your duties aren't complex and you don't have to deal with people. I say this so you can focus on recovery and not add to your stress. I also recommend letting someone else manage your money so you're not tempted to blow your paychecks on drugs - maybe set up a savings account at a credit union (more difficult to withdrawal than a checking account and better interest rates, lower/no fees). If you get a debit card destroy it or give it to someone else.
 
Appreciate the advice but its all pretty fucked right now. I really just want to step in front of a train.

My family expects me to be completely normal by now. I got chewed out for taking too many Benadryl today. Even though its one the drugs the shrink told me to take for anxiety. I would leave if I wasn't so fucking strung out on methadone. My plan is to start call ing clinics in other states tomorrow see if I can find anyone willing to help me. I cant afford 16 dollars a day under any circumstances.
 
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Yeah man private clinics are ridiculous. My old clinic was 20$ a week under state funding! Come on to NC buddy! :) i promise i wont crash your car.
 
cj said:
Appreciate the advice but its all pretty fucked right now. I really just want to step in front of a train.

My family expects me to be completely normal by now. I got chewed out for taking too many Benadryl today. Even though its one the drugs the shrink told me to take for anxiety. I would leave if I wasn't so fucking strung out on methadone. My plan is to start call ing clinics in other states tomorrow see if I can find anyone willing to help me. I cant afford 16 dollars a day under any circumstances.
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Living with your family is only going to exacerbate your problems as they are not understanding of what a chronic disease like addiction or a long-term mental health disorder is like.

It would be like getting mad at grandma because her cancer came back.

I wouldn't take a lot of diphenhydramine to deal with anxiety because you'll just sleep in a lot, or start to space out and feel weird when you come off it. Try not to rely on medication for anxiety.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
Living with your family is only going to exacerbate your problems as they are not understanding of what a chronic disease like addiction or a long-term mental health disorder is like.

It would be like getting mad at grandma because her cancer came back.

I wouldn't take a lot of diphenhydramine to deal with anxiety because you'll just sleep in a lot, or start to space out and feel weird when you come off it. Try not to rely on medication for anxiety.
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I know your right but I don't know where else to go or do. I feel trapped to the point of suffocation.
 
cj said:
I know your right but I don't know where else to go or do. I feel trapped to the point of suffocation.
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If I were you, I'd also feel that way, kind of trapped or backed into a corner.

I wish I had better advice, or new ideas. I think it's critical you try to find a new place to stay or live, especially considering other people's negativity can often spur on relapses (not just for you, it happens to all of us). Finding a support network and staying close to it is real important.

Don't hold it against your family because they don't understand; it's really an abstract concept (addiction and chronic disease), and it's probably just above their heads.
 
Captain.Heroin said:
If I were you, I'd also feel that way, kind of trapped or backed into a corner.

I wish I had better advice, or new ideas. I think it's critical you try to find a new place to stay or live, especially considering other people's negativity can often spur on relapses (not just for you, it happens to all of us). Finding a support network and staying close to it is real important.

Don't hold it against your family because they don't understand; it's really an abstract concept (addiction and chronic disease), and it's probably just above their heads.
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Yeah they have no issue spending thousands to get our 12 year old golden retriever chemo therapy but bitch everyday about paying for my methadone and gas to and from clinic. I can see where this is going and its not anywhere good.

I got to get a job serving tables and just hold it together a few months till I have enough to get moved to a state with better addiction recovery resources. I just don't know if I can realistically do that. But I am going to try. If I fail at that then ill just kill myself.
 
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CJ, I'm sooo sorry to hear what you're going through! I was benzo sick last night myself. I've been having a problem with my psych filling my scrips. I've gone through both heroin and benzo withdrawal and I can tell you that I would take kicking dope over kicking benzos any day of the week. If you can, try taking a very small amount of benzos and taper yourself off. Otherwise you will be miserable and not even be able to get out of bed. What kind of benzos are you withdrawing from? Just know you are not alone. I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone on the forum when I say, you are NOT alone. Sending good vibes your way.
 
Just wanted to pop in and say hi cj! I've been following your story, I'm sorry you're in such a rough place right now. I don't know anything about benzos, but I know how it is to feel like you're in the worst place you could be, but you're truly not. A lot of people here really care about you! And I care about you as well :) so I know it's not much but I'm sending positive thoughts your way :)
 
Obviously I have relapsed. I really kind soul ordered me some etizolam but it wont be here until Monday at the earliest. I can get more benzos sometime tomorrow but I haven't had any since midday yesterday. I am obviously feeling like death. Hopefully I don't have a seizure. Will drinking help at all on that front? I am just so tired of life. I am so tired of the constant struggle with mental health issues. I am tired of this shitty place I live. Tired of everything. Im going to eat Seroquel and hope it helps but I know it wont.
 
Ugh. I know that feeling, OP. I was there myself 3 years ago after quitting etizolam cold turkey. Worst single experience of my life. I wrote about it extensively on benzobuddies.org

Just know that it DOES get better with time. You just have to let your mind and body heal by abstaining from benzos and similar drugs. It may feel like it's never going to get better but it absolutely will. It took me 8 months to regain my cognitive function and a full year-and-a-half before I could experience joy from the things I used to love. The panic attacks tapered off at some point in there, I forget when. But the point is that all of it DID go away. (Everyone's timetable for healing is different so don't assume yours will take as long as mine).

I found that antihistamines were helpful for sleep, as was melatonin. I couldn't tolerate valerian root or anything with even mild GABA agonist effects. Tianeptine was tolerable at some point around the year mark. Now I'm on Topamax for migraines and weight loss, and it seems to have fixed some of my sleep problems that were still lingering. But for the most part, no drug helped and many made it worse. Time is the only real healer.

Edit: Just saw your update. I'll leave my post in case you decide to quit again in the future. Don't beat yerself up for relapsing. It happens, and it can un-happen. <3
 
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