Hopeless benzo relapse fucked everything up

[kpunk2017]

20yo went one month without any sort of benzos or tramadol, exercised everyday, ate well, going to therapy, etc, yesterday I bought a blister for no reason (wasnt feeling anxious or anything just temptation) took like 5mg Klonopin thinking I was fine (I never learn) at around 13pm then 20pm went to boxing and the instructor cracked a joke Abt if I was on benzos (he sure did them too lmao) anyway while I was away mom found the blister despite the heavy insults and a drive to a hospital that was closed, we went home. I understand they are angry and they still want to help me. the thing is. I'm depressed idk if i want or can get better I'm just hurting everyone and being a weight to them, having suicidal ideations etc, can't imagine a life sober, weed smtms makes me anxious (I think I have anxiety disorder) so what are they gonna do give another benzos receipt? I'm pretty sure I'll abuse them too, this sucks, it's so much effort and I can't enjoy my accomplishments. I'm really giving up, idk if I'll leave college or get a part time job but I don't see that going well cause I'm pretty sure if I had my own money I'd be spending it on drugs anyway. to anyone lurking this how I was 3-4 months ago, don't try ANYTHING besides weed and acid. have a good day.

 

[Nurse Ratched]

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all start craving for no reason and many of us act on it. You just got tempted and you did what you wanted to and it backfired.

Sounds like your Mom went looking for them right after you left. She just loves ya that's all. Try and look at it through her eyes.

All any of can do is the best we can and we just have to keep fighting for what we really want.

Hang in there. You sound young yet. Don't quit college !!!!

 

[kpunk2017]

thanks man the thing is I'm not really confident in quitting, I'm so selfish I know what I'm putting my parents through, they don't trust me anymore obviously so they don't give me any money so I'll spend my days isolated n shit until next week where theyll have to give me money to travel and eat etc, I may put effort into finding a part time job but I really know I might just buy drugs with it.

 

[Conky]

Focus on getting a good education so you can get a good job and do whatever you want without your parents interfering

 

[Pawaini]

Being hard on your self is not bad, being pathetic it’s horrible, and being indulgent sent you directly to shitland. I agree with my therapist, no one learn with punishment, I agree with my self no one get out this shit escalating things you did or blaming on things you didn’t. Bring past events to torture and justify your misery is bs.

Check the rights and validate it, like the time you keep sober, and move on, don’t be selfish your mom is suffering too, make an effort to be ok, i know it’s so fucking hard but think about disappointing your mom AGAIN, that picture helped me to at least pretending, and pretending eventually brings me a cool feeling.

Look for a therapist specialized in substance abuse, you need to learn how to re educate your brain to get rid wiith self destructive conducts, after years of suffering therapy saved my life.

There’s a tendency to underestimate therapy. It really works.

You achieved more than lot of people out there, don’t invalidate your will.

Anyways if you need to keep justifying addiction chose wise, micro dosing psilocybin would you keep off devaluating your self and depression self attribution.

Best wishes.

 

[kpunk2017]

thanks for the insights man, that guilt stays w me for sure

 

[DieselNDope]

In my opinion your only going to get better and stay better if it's your decision.. if you say I won't do it again because (my mom, dad, girlfriend, boyfriend, son, daughter, job) your going to use again. If your not ready to stay sober you will hate life blame them for making you feel this way And as soon as you have a reason (justified or not) you'll use again.

 

[BenzoEnthusiast]

thanks for the insights man, that guilt stays w me for sure

It can turn into a vicious cycle of regret/guilt >taking drugs back to the regret and guilt, and thiers no winners in that game trust me.

Just quit while youre ahead.

 

[lonelyDude]

20yo went one month without any sort of benzos or tramadol, exercised everyday, ate well, going to therapy, etc, yesterday I bought a blister for no reason (wasnt feeling anxious or anything just temptation) took like 5mg Klonopin thinking I was fine (I never learn) at around 13pm then 20pm went to boxing and the instructor cracked a joke Abt if I was on benzos (he sure did them too lmao) anyway while I was away mom found the blister despite the heavy insults and a drive to a hospital that was closed, we went home. I understand they are angry and they still want to help me. the thing is. I'm depressed idk if i want or can get better I'm just hurting everyone and being a weight to them, having suicidal ideations etc, can't imagine a life sober, weed smtms makes me anxious (I think I have anxiety disorder) so what are they gonna do give another benzos receipt? I'm pretty sure I'll abuse them too, this sucks, it's so much effort and I can't enjoy my accomplishments. I'm really giving up, idk if I'll leave college or get a part time job but I don't see that going well cause I'm pretty sure if I had my own money I'd be spending it on drugs anyway. to anyone lurking this how I was 3-4 months ago, don't try ANYTHING besides weed and acid. have a good day.

dont sweat it mate we all fall down its part of the process and trust me its a full on process.

you will not quit until your ready but you can definitely practice and make sure the addiction is manageable.

constant breaks and keep that tolerance down at all costs.

but as everyone here has said the cycle is not productive you use you dont use beating your self up about it will not fix it.

for me the key was a different direction in life and distraction from my cravings.

I tried lots of stuff

martial arts art music chef school.

really what made the difference was when I went back to uni to finish my computers (though all of the others were practice and just as important)
I needed my brain to function at its best (taking stims is not your best its up and down which is fine for cramming but if you really want to get good its dedication that gets you there)

so my ego kicked in and said I dont want this shit in my life anymore.

but even prison would not stop me totally it was only when I wanted to stop.

 

[DieselNDope]

We all fuck up. We all make decision emotionally and irrationally. Like everyone else has said you can beat this. This is your decision man and just like you decided to use again.. You can quit again. It's ok, rest yourself and try again... It's not rewarding to fail but it's understandable...only way we can achieve what we need... Is if we believe in the sobriety and we want that life. If you were an every day user and you fucked up one time in a month Jesus bro that's great. Your on the right by track if you just keep on and believe you can do this...We believe in you, believe in yourself as well.