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Social Being Assertive

M

Michael_25

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 19, 2009
Messages
703
I seem to lack a backbone. I've been dissed to my face but it doesn't seem to register immediately as I'm in disbelief. For instance, the other day I was at a cafe, waiting for my flat white, and one staff member referred to me as a "freak". Naturally, this made me feel like shit. What pisses me off the most is that it's unwarranted; I did nothing to justify such a comment from someone. I should have pulled him up on the spot but I was like "damn, did he really say that?!"

Should I go back the next day and confront him? I was always told to resolve such things on the spot -- not ruminate on them then come back a few days later and tell the guy how I feel.

I look like major pussy: baby face, completely non-threatening, etc. Thus people think they can call me this shit without any repercussions. This isn't an isolated incident either. It has happened in the past and my pussy ass doesn't do shit.

Do I go back and report this dude to management? Or let it slide and next time speak my mind then and there?

How would you guys approach such situations?
 
First let’s think why he called you a freak.. No one just says that randomly, you must’ve done something to warrant that. Being called a freak could go two ways; either he was being rude OR it was supposed to be a funny comment. For example on the funny note, maybe you like your coffee a certain way that most would find unpalatable, that could elicit a freak response. Think over the why as that is very important.

Now if he was being disrespectful.. Yes you need to nip that shit in the bud. You’re not alone on your shock, this is why so many people get away with this type of behavior. My wife is like that so I usually fall in to help her out.

My immediate response would be a simple “excuse me?” You don’t need to be quick with wit you just need to have the balls to turn it into a conversation. “Did you just call me a freak?”

Idk if his response was more rude shit I may say something like “well I appreciate you making this freak a coffee this morning here’s a tip for your hard work” then leave like a nickel on the counter.

Do not go report this guy. The management will probably laugh behind your back as you walk out the door. It sounds stupidly simple but just stand up for yourself, communicate.

-GC
 
Ha yeah man, I would laugh it off. Ruminating for days is probably not healthy.
Maybe next time you see him Shay "good afternoon, fish lips" and jump up and click your heels.
How do you dress? It could have been a moron. It could have been said in jest. Just don't get beat up 🤣 x
 
Michael_25 said:
I seem to lack a backbone. I've been dissed to my face but it doesn't seem to register immediately as I'm in disbelief. For instance, the other day I was at a cafe, waiting for my flat white, and one staff member referred to me as a "freak". Naturally, this made me feel like shit. What pisses me off the most is that it's unwarranted; I did nothing to justify such a comment from someone. I should have pulled him up on the spot but I was like "damn, did he really say that?!"

Should I go back the next day and confront him? I was always told to resolve such things on the spot -- not ruminate on them then come back a few days later and tell the guy how I feel.

I look like major pussy: baby face, completely non-threatening, etc. Thus people think they can call me this shit without any repercussions. This isn't an isolated incident either. It has happened in the past and my pussy ass doesn't do shit.

Do I go back and report this dude to management? Or let it slide and next time speak my mind then and there?

How would you guys approach such situations?
Click to expand...
Hey, dude, I 100% empathize with this. I'm a total doormat, myself. It comes from having weak, porous boundaries and a not-so-clearly defined sense of self. However, in recent years, I've started to learn how to be more assertive, and with that comes increased self-esteem! I took assertiveness training classes for years, though, and I had loads of therapy as well.

In this situation, I would suggest that you drop it this time, seeing as you did not respond on the spot. However, if you were to see this guy again, don't duck and hide and act embarrassed. Act like it didn't rattle you at all. That's called confidence (and if you fake it long enough, it turns into the real thing!) And if he were to make any further comments, you can: 1. lean into it (laugh and go "well, this freak wants ___whatever your order is ___ and hurry it up! chop chop") 2. if there's other people around, make a bid for their sympathy, no one likes a bully these days: "that hurt my feelings. Does it make you feel good to put someone else down? I am sorry for you. If this is how you get your kicks, what does it say about you?")

Sometimes, when you clearly demonstrate that you are the more mature individual, people will view you as the adult in the room, whereas he's just a punk tryna inflate his own ego. Just saying...
 
Seems like a valid option; out there in the cool sun. All the ways you demonstrate, could be time it's time to evacuate.

So nice to have those beaches in the palm tree's; and that really cool breeze.

I hope you feel better.

Have a nice day !! 🌊🌴🌞👅

Florida 🤘;);)
 
Said

Life is ironic.

It takes sadness
To know what happiness is.

It takes noise
To appreciate silence.

And it takes absence
to appreciate presence,

In the value of someone. 💛
 
I thought this thread would be able being assertive with a partner. As it is slr and all. I have definitely found assertiveness is a good quality to possess/fake x
 
In future, if anyone tries to be insulting, react to it like they've just paid yo a compliment: it irritates the shit out of them. Eg, the 'freak' comment could be diffused by a "no, I'm a superfreak!". Confuses the fuck out of those who pass insults through ignorance
 
All you dudes are right; I have to address it then and there and not ruminate and complain to management a few days later. It caught me off guard which is why I didn't respond. I was like: "WTF?! Did this dude just call me a freak?!" Note that I'm slow on the uptake as I'm on clozapine. Things just don't register that fast these days. Hence the problem of standing up for myself. I will make a ernest effort in the future, though. This sort of shit is not new to me. I'm a bit of a goofy-looking dude so people see fit to insult me. And I always take the diplomatic approach during the very few times I've spoken to the slanderer in question. Assertion is key, not aggression or being passive. Being passive just displays low self-worth.
 
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