Beget a child as a "gift" and then leave

[Ziiirp]

Dear BLers,

I do not have any experienced and supportive beings in my circle of friends, so I cannot talk to anybody about this serious issue that I am trying to solve. I have a friend, which was my girlfriend for several years, whose only wish is to raise a child (I guess English/American people call it baby crazy). During the relationship it was not revealed, that her only purpose of our togetherness was getting a child out of it, respectively I was not aware of the pathology of the case. The thing is, that due to physical complications her biological clock steps faster than average (while my own seems to step slower ).

I won't tell everything about the physical complications (there are also problems, that will cause a high-risk-pregnancy for her), that let her think, that soon(er than average) her ability to procreate is vanished (which I doubt, because I personally do not trust M.D's statements because of personal empiric data). During the last 2 years of our relationship she mentioned, that she wanted a child app. 50 times a day, whereas after the 50th time I said : "I do not want to raise a child in that environment, either we escape or I'm leaving on my own...please stop talking about this isssue if you do want to stay in the City of Schmocks!" ()

That is why we broke up. We (tried to) stay friends and I agreed to the suggestion, that I procreate (in my religious view it should be called openíng the door for a cluster of energy, that chooses the shell sub-consciously) with her and chances are, that she will raise the child alone, because I hate the current environment and I want to leave for an uncertain amount of time. I said, that I'll try to handle the financial part after I leave. I have generally nice job opportunities in my field, so if I'm not in chill-mode in my new country I'm able to support her.

I think she will loose the will to live, if it not happens soon. How can I solve the issue without ruining the child's life. How can I solve the issue without risking her life during pregnancy ?

Seriously I just want to leave everything/everyone ASAP here but it will take some months until I will be able, too, and I'd like to solve at least this thing for good.

Thanks for reading my scrambled b-shit.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Has she talked to a doctor, medical professional, mental health professional, or gotten help for being depressed or not having a will to live? How does she feel about adoption? Do you even want to have kids, or if you have a kid with her are you prepared to possibly raise the kid on your own if you had to, or to be a parent? Does your ex know that having a kid will not solve all her problems?

 

[RedRum OG]

She sounds like one of those people who want a kid for very selfish reasons. And those people never raise a kid well. Ever.

Plus you could be stuck to her for the rest of your life, legally, emotionally. Child support etc, and the constant worrying that your offspring is being treated horribly.

 

[Bearlove]

You do not 'give' a child as a gift?

You both have broken up ? Then go your separate ways as soon as possible, clean break, if you want to retain your friendship then thats fine but your not a financial support system for her and your not just a supply of sperm.

 

[Kid Amine]

My ex wife did this, altho w/o all the 'i want a kid' stuff 50x a day. Thing is, at the time we were living with my mother, she was a good 80lbs overweight, smoked (cigarettes), and was in her mid 30s, not exactly no risk factors. I objected to having a kid under those conditions... one of the reasons she is my ex.

Thing is, she moved out, dropped 80 lbs, stopped smoking, banged some random dude, and had a kid. afaik he is not in the kid's life at all, doesnt pay child support, etc. fk, the only reason she stopped dragging ass on signing the divorce papers is that, in this state, if a father isnt listed on the birth certificate, and the woman is married, the husband's name goes down automatically. Neither of us wanted that.

OP, you cannot let her worry or guilt trip you into having a kid you dont want, simple as that. I am SO glad I didnt have a kid with my ex now, I have regretted at times not having kids, but never not having them with HER. btw, last time I checked, she's living back at home with her mom, but she's got her son, so I guess she's ok...

dunno if this matters, but she had an abortion when she was 16 and sometimes deeply regretted it. that may be a factor in OP's woman's drive other than 'biological clock'.

 

[llama112]

This is very risky!! I mean, I'm sure she seems like a lovely person now, but you never know what could happen in the future. Can she go to a sperm bank and get pregnant that way?

Edit (to add): If she ends up not being able to have a child, she can always adopt. This saves lives!!

 

[pofacedhoe]

only have a child because you want them

end of

 

[Ziiirp]

Hi thanks a lot for the replies @ anyone. I will direct my view one-by-one.

Has she talked to a doctor, medical professional, mental health professional, or gotten help for being depressed or not having a will to live?
How does she feel about adoption? Do you even want to have kids, or if you have a kid with her are you prepared to possibly raise the kid on your own if you had to, or to be a parent?
Does your ex know that having a kid will not solve all her problems?

Unfortunately she did not get help for it. She has a good friend, who has a master in psychology, but in my view she could not help her. Of course a treatment with a detached professional
would be much more beneficial. I think I need to encourage her to get counselling for that particular matter. Even if it is only to understand my position as someone who does not want to
raise a child at that time and place.

She sounds like one of those people who want a kid for very selfish reasons. And those people never raise a kid well. Ever.

Plus you could be stuck to her for the rest of your life, legally, emotionally. Child support etc, and the constant worrying that your offspring is being treated horribly.

I wanted to negotiate a contract with her before the procreation is taking place, which explicitly mentiones, that without approval, she won't be able to sue me for my "favour".
We talked about it and she agreed. I have to see, if it is legally possible.

I cannot imagine, that she would treat a child horribly. That's not possible. She would be great mom. Unfortunately I would not be great dad (at that time). Hence the conflict.

You do not 'give' a child as a gift?

You both have broken up ? Then go your separate ways as soon as possible, clean break,
if you want to retain your friendship then thats fine but your not a financial support system for her and your not just a supply of sperm.

Good point, I felt like a sperm bank at times, didn't feel so bad, was interesting how primitively a (female) human can view another person.
But she supported me in the past when I was physically sick and I kind of feel due at the moment. But in my view she oversteps the marks, because I never did anything
wrong and took money from her or anything. I just could not afford the rent for a few months of my stay, because I was sick. She had the flat before we met and I hesitated to move in but she insisted
offensively.
Retrospectively the whole story seems kind of like a mixery of the movies "Misery" and some random love story.

My ex wife did this, altho w/o all the 'i want a kid' stuff 50x a day. Thing is, at the time we were living with my mother, she was a good 80lbs overweight, smoked (cigarettes), and was in her mid 30s, not exactly no risk factors.
I objected to having a kid under those conditions... one of the reasons she is my ex.

Thing is, she moved out, dropped 80 lbs, stopped smoking, banged some random dude, and had a kid. afaik he is not in the kid's life at all, doesnt pay child support, etc. fk,
the only reason she stopped dragging ass on signing the divorce papers is that, in this state, if a father isnt listed on the birth certificate, and the woman is married, the husband's name goes down automatically. Neither of us wanted that.

OP, you cannot let her worry or guilt trip you into having a kid you dont want, simple as that. I am SO glad I didnt have a kid with my ex now, I have regretted at times not having kids, but never not having them with HER. btw, last time I checked, she's living back at home with her mom, but she's got her son, so I guess she's ok...

dunno if this matters, but she had an abortion when she was 16 and sometimes deeply regretted it. that may be a factor in OP's woman's drive other than 'biological clock'.

My ex is not overweight, actually a few kilos underweight. She has a Master's degree (but "just" in Arts) and lives a very healthy lifestyle (also because of her conditions) and earns okay salary (middleclass).

I'm sorry if I created a wrong (or unsufficient) picture of her. She is a really nice person but at one point, when she realized that her life is a unworthy (working all the time just for getting by and buying stuff you do not need)
(in my view) she flipped out and kicked me away, because I was not ready for raising a child (I am still not) in that shit-ass city (that is my view, though many people want to live here/move here).

Even if we won't be in a relationship I could imagine to be a good part-time father. I could even handle the situation, if the child hates me. I believe in sub-conscious choice of your parents before the energy enters
the fetus, so if the child decides to hate their own decision, then what ?

This is very risky!! I mean, I'm sure she seems like a lovely person now, but you never know what could happen in the future.
Can she go to a sperm bank and get pregnant that way?

Edit (to add): If she ends up not being able to have a child, she can always adopt. This saves lives!!

We talked about that but primarily it costs and secondly she secretly thinks I will stay here (what I do not want at all) and we can be a "normal" family. I offered here : "Come with me, trust me and we'll have a family"
But she is too scared at the moment

only have a child because you want them

end of

I would disagree : Have a child, because the child wants you would be more appropriate in my view.

 

[sms143]

I just think this sounds like a bad idea all together.