Mental Health Autism and co-occuring social anxiety, losing friends because of autism

[Eligiu]

Yeah look as soon as I figured out it was a Karpman Drama Triangle I tried to yeet my way out of there into something resembling normalcy but like, he really did not want to budge on the rescuer mentality.

A week after I burnt that bridge with him I sat down with my mum and she asked me if I was angry at my dad and I was like 'fuck it, yes. Yes I am, and here is a non-exhaustive list of reasons why' and to my absolute shock she actually respected my boundary when I said I didn't want to speak or see him unless at family gatherings unless he was ready to genuinely apologise (which she admitted he never would). I've got no issue with her and see her plenty. It's just that he can fuck off. I never thought in a million years I would be able to set that boundary with H interfering in my family situation all the time and painting me as the perpetual victim. I could have spent the last fucking 5 years low/no contact with my dad by having a single conversation with my mum but due to his constant lectures about my family dynamics he had me convinced I was powerless. I definitely think he got a kick out of it and once he knew the game was up he was gone.

Most of my NT friends I get along really well with end up being diagnosed autistic/ADHD plus in the transmasc community there's a massive overlap of autistic people (you have a 6 times more likely chance of being autistic when you're trans) so I've been trying to link up with more people who also have gender identity in common because I have been hanging around cis people for ages and I lack that a bit.

 

[December Flower]

I think the important thing is to differentiate yourself less from your peers. I think you distance yourself on purpose from the people who are dissimilar to you. While I understand the concept, I don't think it's exactly socially healthy for autists to surround themselves with other autists, and I think that breeds behaviour that makes it even harder to socialise in the 'normal' world.

Which is not saying that you shouldn't get in touch with other Autists, you definitely should, it's just important to maintain some NT contacts and keep building your social skills.

The reason why only 10% of Autists end up in relationships is not because we don't want that, but because it is so much fucking work to adjust to society's norms that it's just easier to stay in the shell of your comfort zone.

I'm glad you have a good therapist, and I'm confident that you will have less social complications in the future, given you keep off the opiates, which I also hope for. You seem like a nice person

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don’t know what you are like to communicate with in real life, but I really like reading your posts and have enjoyed the couple of short interactions we have had so far in different forums. Your posts in this thread made me stop and think about communication a bit. I have real trouble communicating with people in life unless there is a purpose or point. Just hanging around shooting the shit or talking sport or the weather or whatever I just absolutely cannot do. Consequently I rarely interact in groups and the few 1:1 friends I have never invite me to things with their other friends because I seem to come off snobbish or arrogant or anti-social when all the other guys are 10-beers in and talking ever more ridiculous shift about nothing. On the flip side though, I really really like being around other people: so long as I don’t have to engage in small talk with them.

I’ve sometimes wondered if I am somewhere on the spectrum. This particular issue with everyday group communication is evident in several generations of the men in my family. 5 to be exact. I also often fail to realise the emotional effect I am having on people - even though I am friendly and seemingly (to me) empathetic. Compassionate, generous and generally all round nice most of the time to most people.

Anyway, back to you. Your post made me realise that I actually wish that most people communicated to me in real life the way you write you write your posts. Organised, logical, structured, coherent, etc etc. I can’t imagine real people actually talking like that, and I don’t really, but in my head it all lines up that way and I kind of deliberately garble and simplify it as I speak. Essentially, I want every engagement with another person to be a well-reasoned argument or discussion about something of significance that leads one or the other of us to learn something and change our views or move towards some common purpose.

It’s no wonder I spend so much time alone or writing finely honed posts here. You’ve made me feel a bit like a fellow traveller.

 

[demonapocalypse]

However, I find it a bit weird of you to use the diagnosis as an excuse to change your behaviour. Why? What's changed? The diagnosis?

this is a really good point, for so long in my life I let my mental health go shit because I was diagnosed with depression. the diagnosis gives you something you feel like you can fall back on which leads to you not even trying to put in effort to change perfectly changeable things

however while I agree that "masking" in public is necessary and honestly expected just out of social norms, you should never feel like you need to mask around your friends (particularly in private). Obviously there is always an extent of your personality you'll never let others see you should never feel like you need to be a different person around them. If they dont vibe with it fuck them and find new friends. Theres a reason people tell you to be yourself, why put in the energy to be someone you're not when there's people who will accept you for who you are. Honestly, I feel like I could really benefit from some sort of speech therapy but why put in the effort to "learn" how to communicate with people who talking to feels like a chore.

 

[Hannah Capps]

(Raises hand) Hello there, fellow austic here...I was diagnosed at age 19 and am 38 currently...I painfully relate to your post...all I can say is that those in your life who leave were never friends to begin with...

As a female, it's tough...some areas of my brain are super highways, others are country roads...doesn't fair to well as we're expected to be social...

Bullying to the point of hazing was very common in my younger days, I don't 'look' like I have anything wrong with me, but as you know, this means little...

Females that are austic will mimic in order to survive...many times to our own peril, overcompensating to the point of self-destruction...Yet, because of my autism, I bounce back and adapt (despite what research says) more so than my NT peers...

I actually listen to people and they gravitate to me because they are aware of what's genuine...

Chin up, you're not alone...(hug)

 

[Joey]

I got this diagnosis age 24. 30 now. The first two years I was too ashamed to tell anyone. I didn't think I'd ever be normal was the reasoning.

Since then Ive had stints in communications, social media, journalism. Started a business.. those things I'm a little on the out and out but still aspiring to in a different capacity. A little farther back, I've supervised and trained in person at a couple factory jobs. I definitely have some social problems but I've learned to compensate and even excel at points. I still party quite a bit and get along pretty good usually. I'm training now to work an overdose hotline for people using alone as well. Peer support and committee work is in my past and horizon as well. I have a lot of performance art under my belt. It's more than possible to have an autism diagnoses and put yourself out there. You won't ever experience it as other do, but no one does anyway. Don't worry about it so much

 

[Eligiu]

Thanks for commenting other autistic people, I like hearing your input and thruthfully I value it a hell of a lot more than that neurotypical chasing me around to all my new threads and for some reason making it their sole goal in life to deliberately misinterpret what I've been saying lol.