Cudi
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 25, 2015
- Messages
- 186
Two and a half years ago, I was just a clueless 17 year old who was always interested in psychedelics and probably read up too much on them, but never expected what was about to happen to me. I had always read about bad trips, but didn't understand what made them so bad or how one could let their mind drift off into experiencing one. I had been talking with a friend of mine, she had been wanting to do LSD with me and a couple other people. She had done it a few times. I'm not going to tell the whole story that leads up to this trip, since I already have an enormous thread back from January of 2015. Read that if you're interested in how it all began. With this, I will be focusing mainly on trying to describe to the best of my ability of what exactly I was experiencing. I must say though, no words will ever properly describe what I went through on this day, September 26th of 2014. Indescribably horrific. I will try my best.
First, I noticed my emotions being very fragile and unsteady. But, this isn't even close to what's about to come. When sober, you can fake the way you look to other people in terms of your emotions. If you're having a bad day, it is sometimes easy to fake it and make people think you're fine. I noticed I was feeling frightened and unstable, and I couldn't cover this up. For an outside observer, it would become apparent quickly that what I was feeling inside was fear. I was becoming more vulnerable to external stimuli affecting me in a negative way. The real horror was internal though. All I began to feel was fear. The only thing that could mildly distract me from this fear was music or laughing. Although, the laughing seemed almost to be more of a fit of insanity than humor. This is what I call the difficult part of a trip. Not a bad trip, not terrifying yet, but just difficult. Next, it becomes the latter.
It was like someone flicked a switch inside of me, literally in a matter of seconds, it became apparent very quickly that i was tumbling down a rabbit hole and I couldn't stop. Not a single thought could stop this storm brewing; this chain reaction of neurons firing in my brain. My mind was thinking of every possible outcome to every thought I had. And with seemingly infinite thoughts getting faster and faster, the outcomes were branching off, and more outcomes were branching off of those outcomes. All of my thoughts were becoming visual. This is when I began to have an out of body experience. I didn't really have a visual field. I did, but what I was seeing wasn't at all what my eyes were seeing. What I was seeing was every thought that came to my mind, and they would come and go so fast, that I was extremely disoriented with all of these changing visual scenarios. They made no sense whatsoever. The only things I could understand about them were death, insanity, and schizophrenia.
The same thing kept happening over and over. Sweat dripping from my hair, I would ask my friend "What the fuck did I just do, I'm doing the same shit over and over!" Then it would happen again. No more visual field, memory wipe, lost in my own thoughts visualizing every disaster possible. Boom, back into my body/visual field. Memories wiped of what just happened, me asking my friend what the hell I just did, looking at the clock and seeing only one minute has passed in what seemed like 2 hours of Hell. And then the same thing again over and over. In this state, I learned that insanity can be achieved if the right path of thoughts are made. If you follow this fear, it will lead you to the ultimate organic nature of fear itself. It is very difficult not to keep following it, because it consumes you. You follow this single thought and you follow it deeper, and deeper, and deeper. Eventually, you reach a state that I can only describe as full blown schizophrenia/psychosis. I would describe it like this: I learned how pure insanity/schizophrenia is developed in each thought that leads to it. I achieved this state in a matter of minutes, while most people who actually become insane become that way over the course of years and years. An almost unnoticeable process. Mine was noticeable due to it happening in seconds to minutes.
I take my body temp, 94.1. I feel like I'm going to die at any moment of a heart attack, shock, hypothermia, something. Or worse, be insane forever. My visual field is taken over by bright yellow, with squiggly lines everywhere. A loud ringing in my ears and still a million Hellish thoughts per minute. I can't even give that specific of a number. Infinite. An infinite never ending loop of horror. Nothing making sense. For some reason letters pop into my mind making up a word that doesn't exist. "Esofikid". My friend almost dials 911, but doesn't. I know I've done some serious psychological damage with nothing but my own thoughts. My own thoughts have caused actual damage to my patterns of thinking, I think to myself I will never be the same. I am full of regret. The thing that had total control all along that could have maybe prevented this whole thing: my own god damn mind.
The next day, I am traumatized at what my mind produced the previous night. I still have visuals, I am fearful I will never come back, I have not slept or been able to, I feel alone having been the only one to experience this. I feel as though there is something seriously wrong with my mind. My brain. A person rings the doorbell, I'm terrified at who it might be. Family? Police? Neighbor? It was a FedEx person delivering a hoodie I had bought days earlier. It felt so strange, making contact with another human. An ordinary human with a day job delivering a material item I paid a lot of money for. I'm confused at how strange the encounter is. The people I'm with order Jimmy John's. Maybe I can feel better if I eat. I go to take a shower, very very strange. Like I'm taking a shower for the first time. I get out and feel maybe a fraction more normal than I did before the shower, but that quickly diminishes. Go to brush my teeth, again very weird doing ordinary everyday things.
Days go by, maybe only a couple hours of actual sleep. I didn't even know. My body was scared to let sleep consume it. I still don't feel right. I'm looking stuff up on the internet, looking at things that match all of my symptoms. Psychosis, depersonalization, schizophrenia, BPD, PTSD, brain swelling, brain damage, anything and everything. My paranoia and anxiety was causing all of this. My reality was noticeably different and I just wondered when it would go back.
Two and a half years later, it never went back. Sure things get better but you're never who you used to be with the same perception. You learn to live with the current circumstances and it slowly gets better. It gets better, but you never actually go back to the way things were. You accept, and you grow. Have I done psychedelics since? No. Will I ever? Perhaps not. Lesson of the story: Never underestimate the power of your mind. Never take your sanity for granted.
First, I noticed my emotions being very fragile and unsteady. But, this isn't even close to what's about to come. When sober, you can fake the way you look to other people in terms of your emotions. If you're having a bad day, it is sometimes easy to fake it and make people think you're fine. I noticed I was feeling frightened and unstable, and I couldn't cover this up. For an outside observer, it would become apparent quickly that what I was feeling inside was fear. I was becoming more vulnerable to external stimuli affecting me in a negative way. The real horror was internal though. All I began to feel was fear. The only thing that could mildly distract me from this fear was music or laughing. Although, the laughing seemed almost to be more of a fit of insanity than humor. This is what I call the difficult part of a trip. Not a bad trip, not terrifying yet, but just difficult. Next, it becomes the latter.
It was like someone flicked a switch inside of me, literally in a matter of seconds, it became apparent very quickly that i was tumbling down a rabbit hole and I couldn't stop. Not a single thought could stop this storm brewing; this chain reaction of neurons firing in my brain. My mind was thinking of every possible outcome to every thought I had. And with seemingly infinite thoughts getting faster and faster, the outcomes were branching off, and more outcomes were branching off of those outcomes. All of my thoughts were becoming visual. This is when I began to have an out of body experience. I didn't really have a visual field. I did, but what I was seeing wasn't at all what my eyes were seeing. What I was seeing was every thought that came to my mind, and they would come and go so fast, that I was extremely disoriented with all of these changing visual scenarios. They made no sense whatsoever. The only things I could understand about them were death, insanity, and schizophrenia.
The same thing kept happening over and over. Sweat dripping from my hair, I would ask my friend "What the fuck did I just do, I'm doing the same shit over and over!" Then it would happen again. No more visual field, memory wipe, lost in my own thoughts visualizing every disaster possible. Boom, back into my body/visual field. Memories wiped of what just happened, me asking my friend what the hell I just did, looking at the clock and seeing only one minute has passed in what seemed like 2 hours of Hell. And then the same thing again over and over. In this state, I learned that insanity can be achieved if the right path of thoughts are made. If you follow this fear, it will lead you to the ultimate organic nature of fear itself. It is very difficult not to keep following it, because it consumes you. You follow this single thought and you follow it deeper, and deeper, and deeper. Eventually, you reach a state that I can only describe as full blown schizophrenia/psychosis. I would describe it like this: I learned how pure insanity/schizophrenia is developed in each thought that leads to it. I achieved this state in a matter of minutes, while most people who actually become insane become that way over the course of years and years. An almost unnoticeable process. Mine was noticeable due to it happening in seconds to minutes.
I take my body temp, 94.1. I feel like I'm going to die at any moment of a heart attack, shock, hypothermia, something. Or worse, be insane forever. My visual field is taken over by bright yellow, with squiggly lines everywhere. A loud ringing in my ears and still a million Hellish thoughts per minute. I can't even give that specific of a number. Infinite. An infinite never ending loop of horror. Nothing making sense. For some reason letters pop into my mind making up a word that doesn't exist. "Esofikid". My friend almost dials 911, but doesn't. I know I've done some serious psychological damage with nothing but my own thoughts. My own thoughts have caused actual damage to my patterns of thinking, I think to myself I will never be the same. I am full of regret. The thing that had total control all along that could have maybe prevented this whole thing: my own god damn mind.
The next day, I am traumatized at what my mind produced the previous night. I still have visuals, I am fearful I will never come back, I have not slept or been able to, I feel alone having been the only one to experience this. I feel as though there is something seriously wrong with my mind. My brain. A person rings the doorbell, I'm terrified at who it might be. Family? Police? Neighbor? It was a FedEx person delivering a hoodie I had bought days earlier. It felt so strange, making contact with another human. An ordinary human with a day job delivering a material item I paid a lot of money for. I'm confused at how strange the encounter is. The people I'm with order Jimmy John's. Maybe I can feel better if I eat. I go to take a shower, very very strange. Like I'm taking a shower for the first time. I get out and feel maybe a fraction more normal than I did before the shower, but that quickly diminishes. Go to brush my teeth, again very weird doing ordinary everyday things.
Days go by, maybe only a couple hours of actual sleep. I didn't even know. My body was scared to let sleep consume it. I still don't feel right. I'm looking stuff up on the internet, looking at things that match all of my symptoms. Psychosis, depersonalization, schizophrenia, BPD, PTSD, brain swelling, brain damage, anything and everything. My paranoia and anxiety was causing all of this. My reality was noticeably different and I just wondered when it would go back.
Two and a half years later, it never went back. Sure things get better but you're never who you used to be with the same perception. You learn to live with the current circumstances and it slowly gets better. It gets better, but you never actually go back to the way things were. You accept, and you grow. Have I done psychedelics since? No. Will I ever? Perhaps not. Lesson of the story: Never underestimate the power of your mind. Never take your sanity for granted.
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