Asperger self medicating with coke and booze

[johnnyflamingo]

Hey folks

This is my first post i have read a couple of threads before this but i have created this profile to try to get an answer for a question that have been bothering me the last 3-4 years especially as i have gotten and older iam currently a 27 guy and I apologize if my spelling or so grammar aren’t correct, but I have been on cocain and booze the last 7 hours.

I have aspergers and my question as in the headlight is regarding that mainly, my lead question is if anybody have the same experience as me and how they tackle it (hopefully better than me) I didn’t have many friends growing up was awkward, but when I reached my teen years that semi changed iam a ok looking guy so when I found alcohol I could interact like my class mates(at parties ) and score girls it was a complete eye opener for me, the problem was as I got older I tended to get drunker and drunker and while It was “cool/okay in your teens it isn’t in your twenties so I turned to drugs and gambling which could feed my dopamine levels and gradually cast all friends/girls who don’t do it which is about 90% as they are nearing the 30. But fast forward to today, and my question/questions I have read quite a bit about recovery and making life changes, and the problem for me is they often focus on either socially reconnection or hobbies.
Iam at a stage in life that I really have no hobbies besides drinking,gambling or drugs and at the same time I find people who don’t do these things boring, I realize that many of the last statements isn’t bound to aspergers as from what I have read that I quite normal feelings for addicts but my problem is that the world seems grey and boring without drugs or alcohol as I mostly don’t care or understand the social games that normal people play. I have been sober 3-4 months in periods to see if it was a reaction from alcohol and drugs but I still feel the same if im not drinking or using.

So my real question is there any aspergers with a similar story(if you can under the mumbling) I know there is a lot of text and a lot of it is either repetitive or just nonsense but the reason I haven’t edited is that im afraid im not gonna post it then and I have been trying to tackle this problem for 2 years and it has only gotten worse so hopefully there is somebody out there with some advide

If your gotten this far thank you and have a fantastic day ?

 

[deadendgame]

Yeah man. Life is hard especially for us. Society heavily stigmatizes both mental illness and drugs so if you are doing this, you should stay in your room and not go outside. Most drugs don't increase your dopamine. They will deplete your dopamine and your dopamine receptors will downregulate leading to tolerance and withdrawal. what I'm saying is, don't do this everyday, just do it once in a while. If you do this everyday, you will be in a little bit of trouble. I understand what you're going through. It's nice to get high once in a while, but it does not solve your problems. Your life is still shitty the next day, maybe even worse. You have to better yourself. You have to find something you're good at and follow your dreams

 

[Emptty]

I have autism spectrum disorder (which in the DSM 5 is merged with Aspergers) and I can definitely relate to not understanding the social games non-autistic people play. I have a hard time building and maintaining new friendships or spending time in social groups because it feels like being forced to follow the customs of an entirely different species in some ways. I find non-autistic people perceive the way I socialize as rude while much of what they see as normal comes across as quite rude to me and I often just don't know what the correct way to socialize is or I don't want to socialize that way because it seems incorrect to me.

I had many years of social skills training which helped quite a bit, if you can find a resource for that it may help you learn to interact with non-autistic people even without the aid of drugs. I also wonder if there are any groups in your area for autistic people. It's always a weight off my shoulders to socialize in groups of autistic people who understand that my social rules don't really follow the norm. I would recommend looking into the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, I know that in my area along with advocacy events they also host social gatherings open to any autistic people (including those w/ an Aspergers diagnosis). You may find when socializing with others that follow social rules similar to what's natural for you you won't feel the need to use substances to help you act "normal".

You will probably still need to deal with any addiction you've developed and with what sounds like anhedonia in regards to hobbies but I think having a social group that doesn't drive you to use may be a good support. I know it's hard, I have so much trouble with social interaction and with having the executive function to maintain hobbies or relationships but spending time with other autistic people is much easier than burning myself out socializing with "normal" people.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is a great post Emptty! I have long suspected I am somewhere on the spectrum myself, and identify with more or less the entirety of what you just posted.

 

[johnnyflamingo]

Hey thanks all for your replies (nice to know im not alone)

emptyy Much of what iam reading sounds like managing to me which is fine and is what iam doing right now, to clarify I only drink/drugs 1-2 times a week and that is the only time during the week I feel normal or excited in other people’s company i feel like dexter(if you have watched that show) most of the time. But do you feel truly free “normal” in the groups or just happy to be with like minded where you don’t have to think about it ?

 

[Emptty]

Hey thanks all for your replies (nice to know im not alone)

emptyy Much of what iam reading sounds like managing to me which is fine and is what iam doing right now, to clarify I only drink/drugs 1-2 times a week and that is the only time during the week I feel normal or excited in other people’s company i feel like dexter(if you have watched that show) most of the time. But do you feel truly free “normal” in the groups or just happy to be with like minded where you don’t have to think about it ?

When in groups of autistic people I no longer feel like I have to modify my behavior in any way to fit a particular standard set of social rules. So even without substances I can manage social interaction without anxiety or worry about how my behavior comes across. Your comparison to Dexter is interesting though, and I know what you mean as even without the issues regarding social rules I don't get a lot of joy out of spending time with people. It's just a distraction from the emptiness I normally experience.

It sounds like your social issues may also be an extension of your anhedonia, I have issues with that as well and it's a big factor in my drug use but I'm afraid I don't know what helps with it. My therapist insists therapy can but also says that due to the effect drugs have on the brain's capacity to experience pleasure it can only improve via therapy after someone is both sober and past any post-acute withdrawals. Which would mean living with the anhedonia for quite a while before seeing any improvement that doesn't come from getting high. I don't know if she's correct but that is what she's told me.

I'm gonna preface this last bit by stating that I'm not a professional and can't diagnose you but I'd like to recommend you look at the diagnostic criteria for something called Schizoid Personality Disorder. It can be mistaken for autism spectrum disorder especially in it's covert form but since you mentioned more than once that your main issues isn't so much not understanding people but more not wanting to understand and not getting much enjoyment from social interaction I have to wonder if it may be more fitting. Look it up and if you can relate maybe ask a doctor about it, and if you can't then at least you checked it out as a possibility.

 

[johnnyflamingo]

First of all wow with the diagnosis i think 85% i can relate to from what i have read schizoid so nice to have another thing to read up on and maybe be wiser about myself.

it sounds like you have accepted the emtiness and joy from normal interaction and i would like to know how you deal with that do you self medicate like i do sometimes (suddenly small talk make sense) or have you simply accept that this is my life?

In regards to the anhedonia i can actully give a alittle knowledge from my gambling rehab, the reason for the anhedonia is for myself self the coke and gambling is about 12 higher in dopamin than even sex so how should everyday life "fight" with that
i don't know what your drug was/is yoursbut if it was anything near that there is a reason we feel anhedonia, but unlike you i was told the habits more than therapy was the answer the reason is that it that 3 months to re program your brian from an action you have to find new "hobbies" so the brian can create new nerve links because everytime you make an action which rewards the dopemin center the brain reambers, but from your posts it sounds like you might already be familiefar with it.

again Thanks for taking the time, it sounds/feels like i should have done this 3 years ago

 

[Emptty]

First of all wow with the diagnosis i think 85% i can relate to from what i have read schizoid so nice to have another thing to read up on and maybe be wiser about myself.

it sounds like you have accepted the emtiness and joy from normal interaction and i would like to know how you deal with that do you self medicate like i do sometimes (suddenly small talk make sense) or have you simply accept that this is my life?

In regards to the anhedonia i can actully give a alittle knowledge from my gambling rehab, the reason for the anhedonia is for myself self the coke and gambling is about 12 higher in dopamin than even sex so how should everyday life "fight" with that
i don't know what your drug was/is yoursbut if it was anything near that there is a reason we feel anhedonia, but unlike you i was told the habits more than therapy was the answer the reason is that it that 3 months to re program your brian from an action you have to find new "hobbies" so the brian can create new nerve links because everytime you make an action which rewards the dopemin center the brain reambers, but from your posts it sounds like you might already be familiefar with it.

again Thanks for taking the time, it sounds/feels like i should have done this 3 years ago

I also relate quite a lot with the experience of covert szpd and I suspect that along with what I'm diagnosed with I may also have traits of both Schizoid and Narcissistic personality disorder but have decided not to pursue further diagnostic testing until I've been sober for a while. I mainly cope with the symptoms via self medicating, opioids give a euphoric feeling that compensates for my inability to experience pleasure through normal means. But as you mentioned this over time makes anhedonia even worse by letting the brain adjust to unnatural degrees of pleasure thus dulling it's ability to notice any normal degrees of pleasure. Which is exactly why my therapist has said therapy won't help my anhedonia until my brain has readjusted and gotten used to sobriety (and exactly why I won't seek further diagnosis until I'm sober).

I wouldn't quite say I've accepted my anhedonia but I also didn't recognize it for what it was until quite recently. I honestly thought for most of my life that it was normal to not experience things like happiness as emotions. I thought positive "emotions" were cognitive and not affective. Like I could definitely think "this thing makes me happy" when something offered me relief from being entirely empty but it wasn't paired with any emotion or feeling, it was just a thought. Happiness to me was essentially the lack of emptiness rather than any form of real joy.

Then I started getting into romantic relationships and found I also had the same issue with experiencing love. To me it felt like a commitment or a choice, saying "this person is interesting enough to be worth my time and effort" was the definition of love to me. There was very little emotion to it. And of course that made it hard to maintain any kind of relationship because I found romantic intimacy uncomfortable and not in line with my feelings. Eventually it occurred to me that I lacked successful friendships and romantic relationships partly because I didn't derive pleasure from them and people perceived that as disinterest. That's about when I realized it wasn't exactly "normal" to feel things the way I did.

After discussing all of this with a professional I still don't know the full cause, in my case it could be szpd traits but I also know that substance abuse, dissociation and childhood neglect play a role for me. I haven't accepted it so to speak but I have learned not to see myself as broken for it, I've come to be better at explaining it to people and consequently I've become better at maintaining relationships when I do want to. I feel that I do have to come to terms with it whether or not I want to because even if it is treatable it will take years for my brain chemistry to return to normal after spending the past 7 years abusing any substance I could get my hands on. And if I'm right and I have szpd traits or if this turns out to be heavily based in my dissociation & trauma it may take many more years of treatment after that to see any improvement.

I truly wish I could offer you more advice on coping with this, I have a lot of knowledge about how to cope with various mental health struggles w/o the use of substances but anhedonia is unfortunately one of the things that's still kicking my ass and contributing to my difficulties with getting sober. But you're definitely not alone in this, I know many addicts experience the same thing as a part of post-acute withdrawals and it really isn't an uncommon result of mental illness or childhood trauma. I think often people just fear talking about it especially when it means admitting to not enjoying things like "normal" people do. It definitely becomes even more complex to explain to others when you not only don't enjoy social interaction but don't understand how "normal" people interact either due to struggles with empathy or to having a different set of social rules that feels natural.

I hope things improve for you or you can at least come to peace with your own way of perceiving the world, feel free to PM me if you need to vent about what you're dealing with to someone who understands or if you want some more resources for learning about Schizoid Personality Disorder or Aspergers.

 

[johnnyflamingo]

Your story and just being able to discuss this with somebody who is going through the same as my self is really helping. Im thinking this could be one of the best decision I have taken in a long time and I will take you up on your offer about talking but I think it will be best for you if I wait till im done with this trip

 

[ZacherySwan]

Here are some guides that gave me awareness as to my "not having a self identity" such as the past 8 posts on this interesting thread.

I hired a Psychotherapist and I took the MMPI-2 for Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (available in the USA) interpretations also
available if psychotherapist does not satisfy you. MMPI-2 Asessing Personality and Psychopathology 2nd Edition writer John R. Graham
ISBN # 0-19-507922-1 (1993) Oxford University Press Inc.

Disorders of Personality DSM-IV and Beyond by Theodore Millon Ph.D Harvard University of Psychiatry and Univ of Miami, Director of
Psychology Dept USA 1996 by John Wiley & sons Inc 2nd edt on 15 basic personality prototypes, and on 60 more personality subtypes
from USA Axis II traits. 818 pages ISBN 0-471-01186-X

My scores MMPI-2 i scored a 6/4 subtype the anger/fear extreme DX and with MCMI-II I scored a Passive Aggressive Personality with
a Narcissistic subtype, of a abnormal Compensatory Narcissist. My axis I DX is ADD inattentive type I am treated with meds stimilants
and downers. and 9 years of non stop psychotherapy from 6 different gender psychoanalysis professionals, and I live one day at a time.
Do I have Autism Spectrum Disorder from DSM-V I do not know but my dad sure has strong traits of this.

I gave up all forms of Coca Roca 34 years ago, went in exile to have a safe new environment 2,000 miles away
from my sources, for first 10 years, then also gave up booze for a equal 27 years, on the latter I had a slip, and
returned to controlled drinking, but I stopped 90 days ago with the help of a spiritual advisor, and the help of
a (12) twelve step Sponsor, (actually two male sponsors) one in AA and one another Aaron Beck Trained MSW
who checks on me daily, both males of the same sex for my security, I let go of my self directed ego, and am
trying a God of the Universe directed life, (for me) self reliance was eventually overwhelming.

 

[jason916]

I have Aspergers as well it is hell getting any kind of meaningful opportunity in the midwest it's like ye olde nepotism club.