TDS Artists and the dualistic nature of their work when clean and when using.

[avaslov]

I’ve written several posts, but ended up deleting them out of some sort of fear or rejection, but if you don’t ask you won’t know.



I’m coming off a heroin run, but there’s much more to this story. Like many of us, I’m a deep thinker and I contemplate much of what the world has to offer and what I have in response to those often illusory offers.



Being in and out of recovery for several years, there is a dualistic nature to me. The clean and sober me and the me that is under the influence.
I can express that much of my using has been a coping apparatus for depression and then it became a mechanism to express myself artistically to the capacity I felt I couldn’t while clean.


Insecurity? Fear?


I’m a screenwriter and to be very frank, I’ve been abusing prescription amphetamines selfishly to dig into what I felt was where my real creativity lies. From what I hear from my friends, that is just defeating self-talk. That creativity is natural, I’m just literally tearing into my head to grab pieces of fragments that are always there. I’m also very compulsive in my actions, which in a way has been helpful.


I’m sincerely afraid that my artistic endeavors and my craft will dissipate when stopping my use. It’s a fearful place to be in. I have people waiting on my scripts and I have a phobia about even opening my stories.



This has placed me in a dark depression after abusing these drugs, I’m lethargic, frustrated, and a wreak about my future. Getting out of bed is a challenge.


My main thought is just to say the hell with it and just go at it sober now and see how if flows.

I have access to the amps, but it is destroying me and changing me into a different person. I’m on benzos, but they’re really a non-issue to me. As well as this, I’m on a cocktail of anti-depressants.

I never thought that Ritalin could be such a brain fuck. I think even after this heroin binge, the craving for those is even more intense.
I’d like to get any general feedback from artists using, in recovery, struggling, fighting this dualistic nature, coming to terms with any of this.


I’m really not seeking any negative or defeatist comments, just some possible hope or relief that what is in you will be in you, regardless of the drugs.
Thanks do much for reading.

 

[no_id]

Second time I fuck up with my phone and the message end suppressed...

Basically I'm almost in the same situation.

Firstly, from experience, your friend are false. You don't have the same creativity or at least the same style on opiate than when overamping neither sober. Not speaking about sober Ive composed/DJed in the two drugs mode (and various other but that's the two that I master the much in term of what will be the result of my work, wich style it will have) and there is peculiar things in each two products.
From my XP opiates is more about mixing with a strong focus on "roots", light, repetitive but always moving kick, strange harmony behind that, rapture moment, kinda deep without pushing too much on the volume side, but it lack the other wordly aspect of a "Brian Eno - prophecy theme" for example, it's more about really "earth" things.
Amp is more about exagerating on the emotionnal part, you end making deep and complex stuff without being that much precise in tecnical aspect, with some chance your mix will have a strong dynamic (major difference beetween strong and more calm moment), usually (if more in live setting than "working a mix since 2 week" setting) it's more like you don't hesitate to abuse volume knob and 0db limit. Have faith in the sound of your mixer. It give a really emotionnaly raw aspect that I like. When you begin to tweak seriously, I find you can produce paradoxically some beautifull nostalgic moment (but still very raw). One of my best mix was composed on a-PVP and another on speed.

Im too fearing what will happen after stopping drugs. I fear not making it into music production as I began composing instead djing while on my last opiate/stim binge and I'm absolutely not sure I would have taken the time without. Each time Ive spent time on software synth was kind of week you don't sleep more than 3 night. I'm even asking myself if not better using as composing music from scratch is an old dream of mind and smth wich give meaning to my life (was djing for 8 years before but that's absolutely not like composition, composition is 100 time better in all term, you are fully at the origin of your songs, even if in DJing you can impose to yourself technique closer to composition than tempo sync records 1 by 1 without vision that's still not compo. And composition have the big advantage that I give myself a relaxed view on my time for mix so I'm not trying to do 1 mix 1 month, I'm buying only records I'm really into and stop buy all these filler/records you think you NEED to have for almost no reason that end losing you in some imbecile experiment. That was one of the most annoying side of mix as I lost approximately 6 years going from what I like to finally succeed going back to what I like with an EPIC amount of bs beetween it.).

At this time my fear is more about "doing" than "creativity" as I know approximatelly where I am, where I can get and where I need to push stuff in term of that. At this moment I'm not fearing forgetting about the "add" drugs made because sober is like another challenge and I didn't hate what I made sober too. Did you had in the past moment you made creative stuff sober ? it's perhaps the problem if you fear for your creativity. You don't have the "sober" reference perhaps.

I'm just going out a 3 month run where I probably lost 10 years of my life due to catastrophic health & some ER trip (worst binge of my life honestly) but that's not the problem, since 1,4 week I'm doing nothing and the main problem is that seeing my last 3, 4 years, I'm not even sure that I'll be doing something in music (not to mention work) in 6+ months if I don't resume my addiction

With the "keeping work & doing extra hours without problem" for work, the music problem is the main stuff wich maintain myself into addiction

I could be able to write pages on it but I'm somewhat desesperated about all the problem

 

[Jabberwocky]

My creative talents actually deepened after I got myself off opioids. Seriously, I became much more productive with them too. Of course, I do sometimes use other substances (entheogens and empathogens in particular) to have some fun when it comes to creative endeavors, but seriously things really have taken off post opioid dependency.

It was difficult finding the motivation to get back, rediscover and discover new different creative pursuits, particular right after I stopped using, but I have succeeded in finding way with it all similarly to how I succeeded in finding my way discontinuing opioid use: trying, trying and trying.

I simply kept trying different things that helped orient me towards a healthier lifestyle until, following my nose so to speak, until things began to click. I feel like that is the secret.

 

[no_id]

Empathogen are top list creativity killers in my experience. As everyone is different, some can beg to differ. I can imagine easily someone taking MDMA for the first time and being catapulted out of depression forever and begin experiencing his proper creative life (this kind of person should think about the amount of time they will take it after, thought).

If you want to go a bit on the dark side of things empathogen begin to be creative when you are on the doses creating hallucination and this peculiar irreal state of mind. But that's not something to experiment more than 1 or 2 time a life imo.

there is the big things about psychedelics but imo they are only retrospectively creative, only some genius can be extremely creative/good while all fucked up with them

It's cool to listen there is something after opiates addiction thought (almost writed "life addiction" when thought about opiate addiction, this reflect how my mind is obliterated)