thisismylife
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2018
- Messages
- 29
First time poster. Really hoping to get some feedback and validation? to show you how much, I wrote a long post yesterday and lost it before I posted it, so I?m trying again. Before I begin, I should preface this with, I was finally diagnosed with PTSD this spring after all the events I share throughout this post. I'm trying to figure out if perhaps there are lots of stories of people using Xanax in certain situations that warrant it, and do fine getting off it, but those people just don't take the time to participate in a forum like this, so all I see are the horror stories. btw.. I found this site when I googled Xanax and the hiccups!
Psych history - generalized anxiety disorder/panic attacks most of adult life, and one major treatment-resistant depression episode from 2011-2013. For 95% of my life, various anti-depressants have kept the anxiety/panic attacks managed. However, during times of crisis, usually health-related, I have increased my use of Xanax, up to a max of 1.25 mg./day as needed. When the crisis would pass, over a period of a few weeks, more and more hours would pass that I wouldn?t feel anxious, so I?d delay taking the Xanax, until eventually I didn?t need it any more. Most of my anxiety is health-related, and just until this past fall, I didn?t know how much of it was tied into some childhood trauma - I was been born with a cleft palate/lip and had several surgeries before I was two; but my parents handled it (or didn?t handle it) poorly - they never talked to me about it - to them, if you didn?t talk about it, it didn?t exist. So I spent most of my childhood not having a safe place to express my fears of whatever was wrong with me. I attended a week-long experiential workshop on childhood trauma last November that helped me see this more clearly than I ever had.
First episode of extended Xanax happened over 20 years ago when I was diagnosed with nodules on my thyroid. The endocrinologist biopsied them, and they were benign - but they wouldn?t go away once my thyroid levels were stabilized, so after a year, I had a partial thyroidectomy. Everything benign, and within two months of getting that news, I was off the several month, every day use of Xanax as described above - I just did it as I felt it was possible (certainly not cold turkey), not using any prescribed protocol. But I continued to have a small number of PRN pills that I?d use from time to time (maybe once every month or so) for panic attacks. I was also in therapy at the time, and taking Zoloft and Buspar.
Fast forward to 2011 when anxiety reared its ugly head again in full force - it was a trifecta of events that was missed by my physicians: 1) I?d been doing so well with the anxiety and panic attacks for so long that I decided to try to titrate my Zoloft down (not quit, just lower a bit) 2) I had a gynecologist that was giving me perimenopausal hormones based on my ?symptoms?, despite my blood work showing everything was OK. 3) my thyroid hormones were off, too. After over two months of this horrible anxiety and having to increase my Xanax dosage to an almost daily use, I was beginning to get depressed. My psychiatrist at the time was very judgmental about handing me this prescription, as well as my attempts to figure out what medical issues might be at the root of the anxiety, so I basically fired my entire health team, got a new internist who referred me to a new psychiatrist, gynecologist and endocrinologist. I LOVE my psychiatrist - her practice is not typical. She does not operate on 15-minute medication management appointments every 3-6 months. Our appointments are 50 minutes where we discuss not only medication, but whatever else I?m dealing with in therapy. And I can see her as often as I want. She does not judge or shame me for the Xanax use; in fact she thinks with everything going on in my life right now (more to come about this) absolutely justifies the small amount I?m using. She has told me to take .5 mg. ER at bedtime because sleep-deprivation is one of my worst enemies (Ambien did no good).
In early 2012 we really started to play around with other medications to manage the anxiety and increasing depression, but nothing really helped. I finally decided to go to the Menninger Clinic for several weeks. Unfortunately, I left with another message in my head that it?s shameful that I was on Xanax, and they saw their job as getting me off it, and CBT and DBT. They did not help with any of my childhood trauma issues. So yea, I got off the Xanax, but within a few weeks, I was needing it again, first slowly, then more, until almost a year later, I was so distraught at using the Xanax (still, no more than 1.25 mg./day) that my depression was so serious I was admitted to the psych floor at a major teaching hospital. My psychiatrist had started to plant the seed in my head to consider ECT, but I was reluctant. Once I got in the hospital, though, and heard all the success stories, I agreed to it. I did 12 sessions and it was really miraculous. Once I was discharged, about three weeks later, I started noticing that as each day passed, my ?need? to take Xanax because I was anxious was getting later and later in the day, to the point that within another three weeks, I was off it and thriving. I began to rebuild my life.
Then nine months later I was diagnosed with cancer - early stage, but it required surgery. I recovered very well from surgery, but 7 weeks later I developed a serious complication - sepsis from an internal abscess. I spent five nights in the hospital, and it took me months to regain my strength back. It also terrified me as I know what the mortality statistics are for sepsis (have worked in health care). So, from time to time, maybe once or twice a week, I?d take Xanax when my health anxiety would ramp up. But for the most part I did pretty well. My psychiatrist started the push for me to start working on the cleft palate/lip issues from my pre-verbal years to see how they contributed to all my anxiety, and I started to? until.
A year ago, I found out my spouse had had three affairs with women at work in the previous two years; he?d had one ten years ago but I had not found out about it until after it was over, and he committed to trying to repair the marriage (but, of course, never really engaged in the therapeutic process despite attending sessions). I contacted an attorney immediately and was ready for divorce, but within three days of my doing this (he didn?t know I was reaching out to an attorney), he told me he?d ended it with the last affair partner, and was willing to do whatever he needed to do to repair the marriage, including really engaging in our marriage counseling and starting to see a therapist of his own. Unlike many stories, he really did dig down deep and start to work on himself. In fact, in the fall, my workaholic spouse entered a rehab facility that required him to take a six-week medical leave of absence so he could deal with his issues. But in September, then in March, more information was discovered that he had not disclosed, although all contact with the affair partners was over - in fact, all of them had relocated out of state, particularly the last one who was furious at him for ending it, and had some Fatal Attraction elements to her. I also did a one-week workshop to delve deeper into my childhood trauma in the fall (as stated earlier), and by the beginning of the year we seemed to be on track to really start the year off with great hopes of a continuing positive trajectory of repairing the marriage. Until?
The last week of January I attended another one-week workshop for spouses whose husbands had sexually acted out in the marriage. It was a great workshop and I was so glad I went when it was over. But as I was on the way to the airport to come home, I got a call from my oldest brother (all of my brothers live in a different part of the country than me) that one of my other older brothers had died of a heart attack. He and I were pretty estranged so I knew his wife wouldn?t welcome me at the funeral, but it was a setback for sure. Then (and I swear I?m not making this up), 12 days later, another older brother died of alcoholism. So all my hopes of diving back into the marriage work got set aside as I was in shock. We couldn?t hold the second brother?s funeral until late March, so I couldn?t begin to put closure on these deaths until then. I was barely holding it together, probably taking Xanax at least 4-5 days out of the week. And of course during this (March), H confessed to some more information I hadn?t known about because I found stuff on his iPad, and it?s a wonder I was functioning at all, even with Xanax. But we got through the funeral and once again I thought, ?OK, NOW we can get back to the marriage stuff.? In reality, throughout all these crises, our marriage was developing more emotional intimacy and connection than it ever had, on part due to the work both of us were doing; but my resiliency was just so low.
In April, H found out there were going to be job changes at his workplace of 29 years, that appeared to be clear they had no idea what to do with him, but they weren?t saying they were going to let him go (every single performance review he?s ever had has been exceptional). Backing up, in March, one of H?s friends in the industry reached out to him for advice on how to hire someone for a new company he was starting up, but they knew H was too overqualified for it. But when H found out about his current job, he reached out to his friend to chat some more, and within a month, we had traveled out of state to the new job location, interviewed and they made it very clear they were going to do everything they could to hire him (not knowing what was going on at his current job). So we vacillated back and forth - was this really a good time to uproot our lives, and mostly my support system. The alternative was no better, in fact, there were no guarantees at his current job. Also in April, I?d decided to have genetic counseling and testing because of all the cancer that runs in my family. I really did it because I wanted proof that there was nothing for me to worry about. Unfortunately, I came back with a gene mutation that explains my cancer from four years ago, and puts me at a 50% chance of developing colorectal cancer in my lifetime. I immediately had a colonoscopy (hadn?t had one in five years), and was cleared, so that crisis was lessened, although I will have to have annual colonoscopies from here on out.
By mid-May, H and I decided he would take early retirement from his current job and accept the new job across the country. There were many factors playing into this decision, one of which was, maybe it would give us a fresh start? get away from all the triggers around us, that are almost constant reminders of particularly his last affair. His current employer didn?t seem to know what to do with him, and the new place was ecstatic over the possibility of his joining them. So about three weeks ago he told his boss that he was taking early retirement. Not surprisingly, jaws dropped and they asked him to reconsider, but it was too late. So we have committed to moving, but the current employer is dragging their feet about facilitating a separation date with them - there is currently a lot of uncertainty about when he will be available to start the new job. In the meantime, we put our place on the market in preparation for the relocation.
Eleven days ago, I developed vertigo for the first time. It was horrible, and given my tendency toward health anxiety, I really felt like this was the straw that could break the camel?s back. I?d say this is the point at which my Xanax use started to routinely creep back up. The Xanax helped to minimize some of the panicky feelings I was having with all the swirling and light-headedness. I spent about five days on the couch, just watching HGTV (cause it?s mindless), and by last Sunday I was horribly depressed - on the verge of telling my H I need to go to the ER for a mental health evaluation. But we talked it through, I felt better, and we decided last week I would have a paid caregiver for most of the day while he was at work; they would keep me company and drive me to my appointments. However, this was a new low for me? 58 years old and needing a caregiver. It felt so pathetic, and I feel my resiliency level is absolutely zero. I told my H that if I just so much as stubbed my toe at that point, it might be the event that causes me to give up.
At this point, the vertigo is better? I?m back to about 80% and doing OT exercises to help. But I still feel so hopeless. I keep wondering what crisis is next, and how is my body going to respond to it. I feel trapped in my body and I know with the relocation coming up, there is no end in sight to the stress. I have talked at length with my psych providers here about how to transition to new providers where we?re moving (thankfully to a large metropolitan area), but I honestly don?t know how I?m going to get through the next few months. H is doing everything possible to support me, but most times when he asks me what can he do for me, I have no answers.
So I carry around a lot of internal messages (both my therapist and psychiatrist still keep pushing how most of that originates from how my parents handled my health issues as an infant/toddler), one of which is, ?I should be able to get through all of this without a minimal amount of Xanax.? I?ve been told by many in the health care field that I am my own worse enemy? that if one of my good friends had a similar story to tell, I?d be telling them to do whatever they needed to, to get through the next few months. Then maybe a year or so down the line, you start exploring other options for cutting back on the Xanax. For some reason, I hold myself to a different standard, and again, some of those messages come from my experience at the Menninger Clinic, and my former psychiatrist. My current psychiatrist is not worried at all about how much I?m taking because she?s seen me get up to 1.5 mg. a day (three .5 ER tablets/day), and be able to come off it when the crisis was over.
But I read stories here about how easily people built up tolerance - that has not been a problem for me. For instance, yesterday I took a .25 mg. in the morning, and didn?t need anymore until bedtime last night. But this morning I woke up early to go see my therapist, and my anxiety was already ramped up, so I?ve already taken .25 mg. today. And I read how Xanax messes with their minds. For me, I have a really different experience. When I?m in my worse anxiety, I have major brain fog, and can barely function. Of the three times in my life that I?ve had debilitating anxiety, I?ve lost up to 30 lbs. One the anxiety is over, over a period of a few months, I eventually put the weight back on (I have room to do that - the first time this happened over 20 years ago, I was down to 100 lbs. at 5?5?). I just completely lose my appetite, and when I?m not eating, I have no fuel to use some of the other tools I have to manage my mood, such as Pilates and strength training with a personal trainer, so my world becomes very limited. I do pride myself on being a pretty active person - H and I love to hike, and where we?re moving to, we will be an easy distance for doing day hikes in the mountains. I?m so depressed that right now I couldn?t do one of those - I?m just sort of atrophying away. I do try to make what little nutrition I do take in, is as packed with nutrition as possible. When my anxiety is ramped up, though, and I take some Xanax (I usually start with .25 mg ODT, and if within 45 minutes it isn?t enough, I?ll take another .25 mg. ODT), my mind clears up. I am much more cognitively capable of functioning and my appetite increases so I can eat something. I truly don?t understand what this ?high? is that people talk of when they talk about taking Xanax. And as I said, cognitively I function better and can get things done. Of course, I?m the kind of person who enjoys a nice glass of wine, but hates the buzz of being under the influence or drunk. I can honestly say I?ve probably had four total glasses of wine this entire year, and I only drink when I have food in my stomach to minimize the buzz. Mostly I don?t drink because I worry if I have alcohol in my system, and unexpected anxiety kicks in, I can?t take any Xanax (I?m very rigid that way in not mixing alcohol and benzos).
So I would really appreciate feedback from anyone who?s been kind enough to read this whole post (which I wrote in Word and will copy and paste this time!). I have asked my therapist, as well as my trauma therapist if they have seen people use benzos in a responsible way and not develop tolerance or dependent as they work through trauma, and they both answered yes (I think the trauma I have now is on a whole different level than the anxiety I had the previous two times in my life when I ended up taking benzos long-term). They, nor my psychiatrist are indicating they are worried about my Xanax use. However, using it on a PRN basis leaves lots of room for more, smaller dosages because the half life is so low. I am seriously considering just telling my psychiatrist that I think it?s time to start adding in a second .5 mg ER tablet during the day so I don?t spend so much time beating myself up for the .25 mg. I?m taking here and there, but yes, every day now. Just take it prophylactically. And deal with the any potential fallout sometime in the next year after more of the stress has passed and we are more settled in our new home. Oh, Plan B if I can?t get the anxiety under control is hospitalization again. I have had some dark hours in the past few weeks, but they haven?t lasted 24 hours a day like they did prior to my last hospitalization and ECT (btw? I was given two doses of Ketamine minutes before my ECT, and think it also was significant in my response). But I wouldn?t rule out that option because I know how well it worked for me before.
Thanks for any feedback anyone might have.
Psych history - generalized anxiety disorder/panic attacks most of adult life, and one major treatment-resistant depression episode from 2011-2013. For 95% of my life, various anti-depressants have kept the anxiety/panic attacks managed. However, during times of crisis, usually health-related, I have increased my use of Xanax, up to a max of 1.25 mg./day as needed. When the crisis would pass, over a period of a few weeks, more and more hours would pass that I wouldn?t feel anxious, so I?d delay taking the Xanax, until eventually I didn?t need it any more. Most of my anxiety is health-related, and just until this past fall, I didn?t know how much of it was tied into some childhood trauma - I was been born with a cleft palate/lip and had several surgeries before I was two; but my parents handled it (or didn?t handle it) poorly - they never talked to me about it - to them, if you didn?t talk about it, it didn?t exist. So I spent most of my childhood not having a safe place to express my fears of whatever was wrong with me. I attended a week-long experiential workshop on childhood trauma last November that helped me see this more clearly than I ever had.
First episode of extended Xanax happened over 20 years ago when I was diagnosed with nodules on my thyroid. The endocrinologist biopsied them, and they were benign - but they wouldn?t go away once my thyroid levels were stabilized, so after a year, I had a partial thyroidectomy. Everything benign, and within two months of getting that news, I was off the several month, every day use of Xanax as described above - I just did it as I felt it was possible (certainly not cold turkey), not using any prescribed protocol. But I continued to have a small number of PRN pills that I?d use from time to time (maybe once every month or so) for panic attacks. I was also in therapy at the time, and taking Zoloft and Buspar.
Fast forward to 2011 when anxiety reared its ugly head again in full force - it was a trifecta of events that was missed by my physicians: 1) I?d been doing so well with the anxiety and panic attacks for so long that I decided to try to titrate my Zoloft down (not quit, just lower a bit) 2) I had a gynecologist that was giving me perimenopausal hormones based on my ?symptoms?, despite my blood work showing everything was OK. 3) my thyroid hormones were off, too. After over two months of this horrible anxiety and having to increase my Xanax dosage to an almost daily use, I was beginning to get depressed. My psychiatrist at the time was very judgmental about handing me this prescription, as well as my attempts to figure out what medical issues might be at the root of the anxiety, so I basically fired my entire health team, got a new internist who referred me to a new psychiatrist, gynecologist and endocrinologist. I LOVE my psychiatrist - her practice is not typical. She does not operate on 15-minute medication management appointments every 3-6 months. Our appointments are 50 minutes where we discuss not only medication, but whatever else I?m dealing with in therapy. And I can see her as often as I want. She does not judge or shame me for the Xanax use; in fact she thinks with everything going on in my life right now (more to come about this) absolutely justifies the small amount I?m using. She has told me to take .5 mg. ER at bedtime because sleep-deprivation is one of my worst enemies (Ambien did no good).
In early 2012 we really started to play around with other medications to manage the anxiety and increasing depression, but nothing really helped. I finally decided to go to the Menninger Clinic for several weeks. Unfortunately, I left with another message in my head that it?s shameful that I was on Xanax, and they saw their job as getting me off it, and CBT and DBT. They did not help with any of my childhood trauma issues. So yea, I got off the Xanax, but within a few weeks, I was needing it again, first slowly, then more, until almost a year later, I was so distraught at using the Xanax (still, no more than 1.25 mg./day) that my depression was so serious I was admitted to the psych floor at a major teaching hospital. My psychiatrist had started to plant the seed in my head to consider ECT, but I was reluctant. Once I got in the hospital, though, and heard all the success stories, I agreed to it. I did 12 sessions and it was really miraculous. Once I was discharged, about three weeks later, I started noticing that as each day passed, my ?need? to take Xanax because I was anxious was getting later and later in the day, to the point that within another three weeks, I was off it and thriving. I began to rebuild my life.
Then nine months later I was diagnosed with cancer - early stage, but it required surgery. I recovered very well from surgery, but 7 weeks later I developed a serious complication - sepsis from an internal abscess. I spent five nights in the hospital, and it took me months to regain my strength back. It also terrified me as I know what the mortality statistics are for sepsis (have worked in health care). So, from time to time, maybe once or twice a week, I?d take Xanax when my health anxiety would ramp up. But for the most part I did pretty well. My psychiatrist started the push for me to start working on the cleft palate/lip issues from my pre-verbal years to see how they contributed to all my anxiety, and I started to? until.
A year ago, I found out my spouse had had three affairs with women at work in the previous two years; he?d had one ten years ago but I had not found out about it until after it was over, and he committed to trying to repair the marriage (but, of course, never really engaged in the therapeutic process despite attending sessions). I contacted an attorney immediately and was ready for divorce, but within three days of my doing this (he didn?t know I was reaching out to an attorney), he told me he?d ended it with the last affair partner, and was willing to do whatever he needed to do to repair the marriage, including really engaging in our marriage counseling and starting to see a therapist of his own. Unlike many stories, he really did dig down deep and start to work on himself. In fact, in the fall, my workaholic spouse entered a rehab facility that required him to take a six-week medical leave of absence so he could deal with his issues. But in September, then in March, more information was discovered that he had not disclosed, although all contact with the affair partners was over - in fact, all of them had relocated out of state, particularly the last one who was furious at him for ending it, and had some Fatal Attraction elements to her. I also did a one-week workshop to delve deeper into my childhood trauma in the fall (as stated earlier), and by the beginning of the year we seemed to be on track to really start the year off with great hopes of a continuing positive trajectory of repairing the marriage. Until?
The last week of January I attended another one-week workshop for spouses whose husbands had sexually acted out in the marriage. It was a great workshop and I was so glad I went when it was over. But as I was on the way to the airport to come home, I got a call from my oldest brother (all of my brothers live in a different part of the country than me) that one of my other older brothers had died of a heart attack. He and I were pretty estranged so I knew his wife wouldn?t welcome me at the funeral, but it was a setback for sure. Then (and I swear I?m not making this up), 12 days later, another older brother died of alcoholism. So all my hopes of diving back into the marriage work got set aside as I was in shock. We couldn?t hold the second brother?s funeral until late March, so I couldn?t begin to put closure on these deaths until then. I was barely holding it together, probably taking Xanax at least 4-5 days out of the week. And of course during this (March), H confessed to some more information I hadn?t known about because I found stuff on his iPad, and it?s a wonder I was functioning at all, even with Xanax. But we got through the funeral and once again I thought, ?OK, NOW we can get back to the marriage stuff.? In reality, throughout all these crises, our marriage was developing more emotional intimacy and connection than it ever had, on part due to the work both of us were doing; but my resiliency was just so low.
In April, H found out there were going to be job changes at his workplace of 29 years, that appeared to be clear they had no idea what to do with him, but they weren?t saying they were going to let him go (every single performance review he?s ever had has been exceptional). Backing up, in March, one of H?s friends in the industry reached out to him for advice on how to hire someone for a new company he was starting up, but they knew H was too overqualified for it. But when H found out about his current job, he reached out to his friend to chat some more, and within a month, we had traveled out of state to the new job location, interviewed and they made it very clear they were going to do everything they could to hire him (not knowing what was going on at his current job). So we vacillated back and forth - was this really a good time to uproot our lives, and mostly my support system. The alternative was no better, in fact, there were no guarantees at his current job. Also in April, I?d decided to have genetic counseling and testing because of all the cancer that runs in my family. I really did it because I wanted proof that there was nothing for me to worry about. Unfortunately, I came back with a gene mutation that explains my cancer from four years ago, and puts me at a 50% chance of developing colorectal cancer in my lifetime. I immediately had a colonoscopy (hadn?t had one in five years), and was cleared, so that crisis was lessened, although I will have to have annual colonoscopies from here on out.
By mid-May, H and I decided he would take early retirement from his current job and accept the new job across the country. There were many factors playing into this decision, one of which was, maybe it would give us a fresh start? get away from all the triggers around us, that are almost constant reminders of particularly his last affair. His current employer didn?t seem to know what to do with him, and the new place was ecstatic over the possibility of his joining them. So about three weeks ago he told his boss that he was taking early retirement. Not surprisingly, jaws dropped and they asked him to reconsider, but it was too late. So we have committed to moving, but the current employer is dragging their feet about facilitating a separation date with them - there is currently a lot of uncertainty about when he will be available to start the new job. In the meantime, we put our place on the market in preparation for the relocation.
Eleven days ago, I developed vertigo for the first time. It was horrible, and given my tendency toward health anxiety, I really felt like this was the straw that could break the camel?s back. I?d say this is the point at which my Xanax use started to routinely creep back up. The Xanax helped to minimize some of the panicky feelings I was having with all the swirling and light-headedness. I spent about five days on the couch, just watching HGTV (cause it?s mindless), and by last Sunday I was horribly depressed - on the verge of telling my H I need to go to the ER for a mental health evaluation. But we talked it through, I felt better, and we decided last week I would have a paid caregiver for most of the day while he was at work; they would keep me company and drive me to my appointments. However, this was a new low for me? 58 years old and needing a caregiver. It felt so pathetic, and I feel my resiliency level is absolutely zero. I told my H that if I just so much as stubbed my toe at that point, it might be the event that causes me to give up.
At this point, the vertigo is better? I?m back to about 80% and doing OT exercises to help. But I still feel so hopeless. I keep wondering what crisis is next, and how is my body going to respond to it. I feel trapped in my body and I know with the relocation coming up, there is no end in sight to the stress. I have talked at length with my psych providers here about how to transition to new providers where we?re moving (thankfully to a large metropolitan area), but I honestly don?t know how I?m going to get through the next few months. H is doing everything possible to support me, but most times when he asks me what can he do for me, I have no answers.
So I carry around a lot of internal messages (both my therapist and psychiatrist still keep pushing how most of that originates from how my parents handled my health issues as an infant/toddler), one of which is, ?I should be able to get through all of this without a minimal amount of Xanax.? I?ve been told by many in the health care field that I am my own worse enemy? that if one of my good friends had a similar story to tell, I?d be telling them to do whatever they needed to, to get through the next few months. Then maybe a year or so down the line, you start exploring other options for cutting back on the Xanax. For some reason, I hold myself to a different standard, and again, some of those messages come from my experience at the Menninger Clinic, and my former psychiatrist. My current psychiatrist is not worried at all about how much I?m taking because she?s seen me get up to 1.5 mg. a day (three .5 ER tablets/day), and be able to come off it when the crisis was over.
But I read stories here about how easily people built up tolerance - that has not been a problem for me. For instance, yesterday I took a .25 mg. in the morning, and didn?t need anymore until bedtime last night. But this morning I woke up early to go see my therapist, and my anxiety was already ramped up, so I?ve already taken .25 mg. today. And I read how Xanax messes with their minds. For me, I have a really different experience. When I?m in my worse anxiety, I have major brain fog, and can barely function. Of the three times in my life that I?ve had debilitating anxiety, I?ve lost up to 30 lbs. One the anxiety is over, over a period of a few months, I eventually put the weight back on (I have room to do that - the first time this happened over 20 years ago, I was down to 100 lbs. at 5?5?). I just completely lose my appetite, and when I?m not eating, I have no fuel to use some of the other tools I have to manage my mood, such as Pilates and strength training with a personal trainer, so my world becomes very limited. I do pride myself on being a pretty active person - H and I love to hike, and where we?re moving to, we will be an easy distance for doing day hikes in the mountains. I?m so depressed that right now I couldn?t do one of those - I?m just sort of atrophying away. I do try to make what little nutrition I do take in, is as packed with nutrition as possible. When my anxiety is ramped up, though, and I take some Xanax (I usually start with .25 mg ODT, and if within 45 minutes it isn?t enough, I?ll take another .25 mg. ODT), my mind clears up. I am much more cognitively capable of functioning and my appetite increases so I can eat something. I truly don?t understand what this ?high? is that people talk of when they talk about taking Xanax. And as I said, cognitively I function better and can get things done. Of course, I?m the kind of person who enjoys a nice glass of wine, but hates the buzz of being under the influence or drunk. I can honestly say I?ve probably had four total glasses of wine this entire year, and I only drink when I have food in my stomach to minimize the buzz. Mostly I don?t drink because I worry if I have alcohol in my system, and unexpected anxiety kicks in, I can?t take any Xanax (I?m very rigid that way in not mixing alcohol and benzos).
So I would really appreciate feedback from anyone who?s been kind enough to read this whole post (which I wrote in Word and will copy and paste this time!). I have asked my therapist, as well as my trauma therapist if they have seen people use benzos in a responsible way and not develop tolerance or dependent as they work through trauma, and they both answered yes (I think the trauma I have now is on a whole different level than the anxiety I had the previous two times in my life when I ended up taking benzos long-term). They, nor my psychiatrist are indicating they are worried about my Xanax use. However, using it on a PRN basis leaves lots of room for more, smaller dosages because the half life is so low. I am seriously considering just telling my psychiatrist that I think it?s time to start adding in a second .5 mg ER tablet during the day so I don?t spend so much time beating myself up for the .25 mg. I?m taking here and there, but yes, every day now. Just take it prophylactically. And deal with the any potential fallout sometime in the next year after more of the stress has passed and we are more settled in our new home. Oh, Plan B if I can?t get the anxiety under control is hospitalization again. I have had some dark hours in the past few weeks, but they haven?t lasted 24 hours a day like they did prior to my last hospitalization and ECT (btw? I was given two doses of Ketamine minutes before my ECT, and think it also was significant in my response). But I wouldn?t rule out that option because I know how well it worked for me before.
Thanks for any feedback anyone might have.
