Anyone else suffering with poor memory, years after giving up MDMA?

[freshes]

I went through a period of MDMA use in my early twenties.



I’m now approaching 40 and haven’t done MDMA or any other drugs for over a decade.

Unfortunately, my memory has never been the same since the drug-taking days, despite being clean for years.

I should preface by saying that if you met me right now, and we went and had a beer together, you probably wouldn’t suspect that I have memory problems at all. I present as a reasonably normal, fairly intelligent, friendly guy. Behind the scenes though my memory is very, very poor, and is affecting my quality of life.

I’ve been married for 12 years and over this period my wife has slowly come to realise how damaged my memory is. I had told her early-on that my memory is not what it once was, and she brushed it off as me simply talking my memory down, as so many people do (“Oh I’m terrible with names!”). Over the years though it has become increasingly apparent that my memory is not functioning as it should. For example, we were reminiscing about some of the experiences we have shared over the past 12 years and she was heartbroken by how little I could recall, even after her giving detailed blow-by-blow recounts. Birthday dinners she cooked, things we did on holiday…I don’t have even the faintest memory….she might as well be talking about someone else. Following this recent conversation, the true extent of my memory disfunction began to dawn on her, and she became deeply saddened that so much of our shared experiences are completely lost to me.

This is just one example among many. I mean, internally I KNOW my memory is seriously impaired. Very basic things, like remembering how to cook a recipe I’ve already prepared ten times in the past 12 months, or how to change the brake pads on my motorbike that I’ve done several times already, I can’t remember the steps.…like I’ve never done it. I know that before I took drugs I used to learn and retain these kinds of things very easily. Furthermore I can see others doing exactly the same things and being able to retain the process after one or two run-throughs, but not me. I could once but I can’t now.

I’m giving up on reading books too. I used to LOVE learning, and I find history, science, philosophy etc incredibly fascinating, but what’s the point? A few months after reading a book I will forget it entirely. After a year I can literally pick up a book and not realize I have read it until halfway though, if I realize at all. I can’t link what I’m learning now with what I learnt before…no ability to integrate new knowledge into exisiting since the existing has vanished. Where is the fun in that? Where is the fun in learning about some chapter of Roman history if I can’t remember any of what I’ve already about Roman Empire generally.

I’ll stop with those couple of examples as I’m sure you get the picture.

I don’t expect anyone here to offer me a solution to my memory woes, but I am interested to know whether others out there struggle with this?…….To this degree?

 

[Jabberwocky]

so, i identify a lot with what you're saying. i have used mdma quite a lot.... but also had some serious drug addictions. but also the thing about not remembering books a few months after, i've had that since before i used drugs regularly.

that said, my memory is atrocious. i only know half my life cos i've been with my boyf that whole time (apart from 5 years off when my addictions were at its worst). i was using a lot of drugs that make it hard to remember what you were doing 5 mins ago though - if interested you can read more here, i'm 'Emma' - and that was from before my addiction got bad lol.

since i finally got clean off all drugs i've really noticed how shit my memory is, and how mentally slow i am compared to what i used to be. its heartbreaking. i do a mentally intensive job so you'd expect if any of the 'brain training' type stuff would work for me i should have got it just by being back in work for nearly 3 years now. though maybe there are more specific things i could try. maybe it would be worth it for you?

i am not denying the neurotoxicity of MDMA cos that is known. but i think its a scapegoat here rather than the genuine culprit. i would get yourself checked out neurologically as, in contrast to me, there isn't any obvious causes. honestly if MDMA ruined your memory to the extent you are describing, most british people of my age group would be fucked by now. so, go to a doctor....

 

[freshes]

Thanks chinup for your thoughtful reply. It sounds like I ought to see a doctor about it, and with your prompting perhaps I finally will, although I doubt there is anything they can do about it.

Anyone else have anything to add? I really wanted to gauge how common it is to have memory issues after using MDMA…but judging my the lack of responses, pretty uncommon.

 

[Arnold]

Which memory is not like it used to be.

Short or long time memory? Serotonin vs acetylcholine

can be fixed

 

[freshes]

Which memory is not like it used to be.

Short or long time memory? Serotonin vs acetylcholine

can be fixed

I would say it’s most noticeable for my long term memory.

 

[minokjapa]

I feel you.

I've only rolled a total of 13 times over the past 10 years and still struggle.

What was the extent of your use?

 

[nznity]

If you train your brain by playing chess, doing puzzles, tetris, sudoku, etc and ofc reading a lot. It can get better. The human body is amazing at repairing itself, thank God for neuroplasticity.

 

[nznity]

I feel you.

I've only rolled a total of 13 times over the past 10 years and still struggle.

What was the extent of your use?

Lol, I've rolled probably between 50-70 times but I'm a person who exercises my brain a lot. I've experienced those kinda symptoms but never thst bad, maybe because I've never abused the drug to excessive amounts. I've never done more than one pill + maybe a small redose a couple hrs later.
The max amount I've eaten in a night was half a gram of good quality MDMA(the only time I experienced brain zaps too), apart from that I've always been strict to my 1 pill rule. My brain is fine after 10 years of on and off using (or at least that's what I think so).

 

[minokjapa]

I see.

Lol, I've rolled probably between 50-70 times but I'm a person who exercises my brain a lot. I've experienced those kinda symptoms but never thst bad, maybe because I've never abused the drug to excessive amounts. I've never done more than one pill + maybe a small redose a couple hrs later.
The max amount I've eaten in a night was half a gram of good quality MDMA(the only time I experienced brain zaps too), apart from that I've always been strict to my 1 pill rule. My brain is fine after 10 years of on and off using (or at least that's what I think so).

I see. Maybe I'll try some brain exercises or start trying to keep my brain more active consistently.

I'm in the middle of a pretty bad LTC right now so there's definitely still room to get better .

 

[nznity]

I see.

I see. Maybe I'll try some brain exercises or start trying to keep my brain more active consistently.

I'm in the middle of a pretty bad LTC right now so there's definitely still room to get better .

I've experienced bounds of pretty moderate depression in the past but they never lasted more than a month or 2 tops. Some ppl are more sensitive than others I think. must be.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Yeah it really does vary. But yeah that brain is pretty rigorous at rejuvenating.

 

[FuckinAcidMan]

MDMA made me into a braindead psychotic mutant with the memory of a common brown squirrel

Dissociatives weirdly gave me the ability to try to salvage the way my brain works

Would recommend looking into CBT with a therapist who is actually good

Not that I'm doing that I hate the Idea of therapy for some reason

Allergic to the concept of paid therapy

 

[TheUltimateFixx]

I went through a period of MDMA use in my early twenties.



I’m now approaching 40 and haven’t done MDMA or any other drugs for over a decade.

Unfortunately, my memory has never been the same since the drug-taking days, despite being clean for years.

I should preface by saying that if you met me right now, and we went and had a beer together, you probably wouldn’t suspect that I have memory problems at all. I present as a reasonably normal, fairly intelligent, friendly guy. Behind the scenes though my memory is very, very poor, and is affecting my quality of life.

I’ve been married for 12 years and over this period my wife has slowly come to realise how damaged my memory is. I had told her early-on that my memory is not what it once was, and she brushed it off as me simply talking my memory down, as so many people do (“Oh I’m terrible with names!”). Over the years though it has become increasingly apparent that my memory is not functioning as it should. For example, we were reminiscing about some of the experiences we have shared over the past 12 years and she was heartbroken by how little I could recall, even after her giving detailed blow-by-blow recounts. Birthday dinners she cooked, things we did on holiday…I don’t have even the faintest memory….she might as well be talking about someone else. Following this recent conversation, the true extent of my memory disfunction began to dawn on her, and she became deeply saddened that so much of our shared experiences are completely lost to me.

This is just one example among many. I mean, internally I KNOW my memory is seriously impaired. Very basic things, like remembering how to cook a recipe I’ve already prepared ten times in the past 12 months, or how to change the brake pads on my motorbike that I’ve done several times already, I can’t remember the steps.…like I’ve never done it. I know that before I took drugs I used to learn and retain these kinds of things very easily. Furthermore I can see others doing exactly the same things and being able to retain the process after one or two run-throughs, but not me. I could once but I can’t now.

I’m giving up on reading books too. I used to LOVE learning, and I find history, science, philosophy etc incredibly fascinating, but what’s the point? A few months after reading a book I will forget it entirely. After a year I can literally pick up a book and not realize I have read it until halfway though, if I realize at all. I can’t link what I’m learning now with what I learnt before…no ability to integrate new knowledge into exisiting since the existing has vanished. Where is the fun in that? Where is the fun in learning about some chapter of Roman history if I can’t remember any of what I’ve already about Roman Empire generally.

I’ll stop with those couple of examples as I’m sure you get the picture.

I don’t expect anyone here to offer me a solution to my memory woes, but I am interested to know whether others out there struggle with this?…….To this degree?

Go take yourself to a doctor and get yourself properly checked out. Your memory loss sounds severe for your age and too severe for that matter to have been entirely caused by your use of MDMA. You may have some degenerative issue and if so, you want it caught.

 

[Shady's Fox]

Can we separate that thoughts aren't linked to memories please read forward

just click on the word, it has a link. I do this to keep my posts spamless anyhow word on street being that everything's perspective and nothing is a prospect so really what's the primary core of the ''sides one'' and how they're accesable from both sides? I am talking dream realm because the unconcious is keen to daydream and everything, I dunno if I am missing something please feel free to have your own cheating options but the main power supply is where, the brain. I think that we existed since almost 300.000yr ago and that is round, i say 200 some more or less isn't actually documented but it sits and because it sits we call it memory. I dunno exactly... but I know that the poor memory loss is usually linked to your degree of routine discipline. Maybe one day you haven't done your home workout gym exercises and the brain comes and gives you what you call ''memory loss'' aka acting weird.

 

[entheologian]

Yes pre-mdma I found it extremely easy to integrate things into my long term memory.

That disappeared after 3 months of fairly heavy mdma use in 2001

I have adapted but not recovered much at all

 

[F.U.B.A.R.]

I'd say from experience that it's unlikely to be from your MDMA usage (unless you subscribe to that LTC bollocks).

Memory degrades with age - and that's probably not a bad thing...

 

[G_Chem]

MDMA made me into a braindead psychotic mutant with the memory of a common brown squirrel

Dissociatives weirdly gave me the ability to try to salvage the way my brain works

Would recommend looking into CBT with a therapist who is actually good

Not that I'm doing that I hate the Idea of therapy for some reason

Allergic to the concept of paid therapy

Squirrels actually have amazing memories, they can remember a large number of underground stashes and where they are located. They can remember which stashes have what nuts in them. Better than I can do…


To the OP, I guess I’m an example of someone who’s not a brain dead zombie from my use. 17yrs now, easily over 100 times. My memory really only gets bad for the couple days after a roll, or early on when I was hitting it harder than I should have.

I feel other drugs have done me worse than MDMA in the memory department.

-GC

 

[freshes]

Wow thanks for the responses guys. Sorry it’s taken me a few months to realize there had been more posts!

In my case It doesn’t seem to be (obviously) declining further as time goes on, like I would expect a typical neurodegenerative disease (like Alzheimer’s) to do, but it is surprising (and somewhat depressing) to me that my memory abilities have never recovered , hence why I’m here trying to at least gauge how common this level of memory dysfunction is in the BL community….or whether I’ve uniquely fucked up my brain more than most.

Some of you have said it’s unlikely to be the mdma as you’ve not had nearly the same loss of memory after similar usage, which is interesting to me. I wonder if it was some of the other drugs I took, which I assumed to be benign from a memory perspective, hence why I didn’t mention them (I took a bunch of nitrous bulbs / whippets during these years, as well as some GHB, and weed). I haven’t touched these or any other drugs in decades (weed included).

I’ve read a book on the wonders of neuroplasticity, and spent many years doggedly doing exercises to improve my memory and brain function as someone one suggested above, but in my case this did little to improve the severe memory problems I have.

 

[G_Chem]

Wow thanks for the responses guys. Sorry it’s taken me a few months to realize there had been more posts!

In my case It doesn’t seem to be (obviously) declining further as time goes on, like I would expect a typical neurodegenerative disease (like Alzheimer’s) to do, but it is surprising (and somewhat depressing) to me that my memory abilities have never recovered , hence why I’m here trying to at least gauge how common this level of memory dysfunction is in the BL community….or whether I’ve uniquely fucked up my brain more than most.

Some of you have said it’s unlikely to be the mdma as you’ve not had nearly the same loss of memory after similar usage, which is interesting to me. I wonder if it was some of the other drugs I took, which I assumed to be benign from a memory perspective, hence why I didn’t mention them (I took a bunch of nitrous bulbs / whippets during these years, as well as some GHB, and weed). I haven’t touched these or any other drugs in decades (weed included).

I’ve read a book on the wonders of neuroplasticity, and spent many years doggedly doing exercises to improve my memory and brain function as someone one suggested above, but in my case this did little to improve the severe memory problems I have.

So nitrous is definitely not one to play with, and neither is GHB. Not ruling out the MDMA but these two drugs are known to cause issues. With nitrous if not done properly could result in loss of brain cells from lack of oxygen, even then it depletes b12 and can damage nerves with time. GHB is also not the super safe substance it was once touted as either now with research coming out of neurotoxicity and cognitive decline.

I’ve only done G in low doses a few times but stopped cuz I wasn’t sure on its purity. (From GABA.. if you know you know.) Nitrous I’ve also kept to handful of times, actually just had a couple canisters for the first time in maybe 10yrs month or two ago. It was pretty fun lol.

-GC

 

[negrogesic]

With the exception of extreme examples, it is pretty hard to make a distinction between drug-induced memory loss from memory loss that was going to occur naturally. (Benzos of course produce intense amnesia as do a few other drugs, so of course I'm referring to post abuse amnesia.)

I have done a tremendous amount of drugs, including a substantial amount of MDMA and GHB, and was once actively addicted to nitrous oxide (heavy daily use, well over a year at an average of 50 cartridges a day) and my memory is still quite sharp. Granted i am generally unaware of what transpired 15 seconds ago, but have been that way all my life.

Overall my long-term memory seems largely unimpacted, despite also having twice been horribly addicted to benzos, experiencing a severe etaqualone overdose that left me half dead on a ventilator, etc. I think it may be genetics in my case, as my father has an unusually sharp memory.

However I bet had my drug of choice been methamphetamine (instead of opioids, which are arguably neuroprotective to some degree) I wouldn't have been so lucky. The deficits probably would take multiple forms however, perhaps even more notably with regard to emotional regulation and executive function.