Know the weird thing? I actually wasn't sick after my first dose of heroin. I knew a lot of people are, and was prepared for that reaction ; but nothing. (fun fact : you have opioid receptors not just in your brain but in your gut. the latter is what gives you the nausea.) First time (first 5 or 6 times actually) smoking opium though -?
For some reason I got sick as fuck.
I always thought I was weird bc I never got sick from H but would often get violently ill from coke. It’s like I had it backwards - not that I had any control over it.
Someone said something about an almost sexual attraction - I nvr really had that as I insisted on learning by myself bc I couldn’t allow anyone that much control (someone also said this). However more recently I’ve seen other chicks who use IV - like meth in the neck for whom it’s a completely sexual thing which is why I was *really* uncomfortable when her bf was out of town & she asked me to do it. Further, I always think man I have to have seen all the hustles but they seem endless much like the bottom is bottomless. I started having ppl call me when I wasn’t IVing just to hit them. Well I realized that - with that feeling or craving that socks you in the gut - that ppl were doing the whole ‘misery loves company’ routine so just another hustle. And what will end that is just a single miss. Lol. No, never on purpose but weird locations are prone to issues like chests & necks. I know that back when I had perfect fat veins which I can’t even really imagine now, as if it was some dream or something, those weird places tended to always bruise. I can’t imagine those places on me anymore either like who I must have been to have not been scared shitless.
One thing I learned by going to stay awhile in high altitude/really cold climate was in the south they’ll say ‘your veins hide’. They may say that everywhere but when I had great veins it seemed true - one shot & from then on it was as if they were hiding just like when you get cold. I went in the mountains where it was so cold and voila! To my utter disbelief the veins were great, close to the surface, etc. I’d never seen anything like it but all I can figure is it must have to do with altitude.
Because i was so hardheaded with the not giving anyone that much control over me plus knowing that IVng was terrible, I refused to read up on or really even consider harm reduction some 20y ago. THAT I regret most of all bc for all the time that I went the wrong direction, shot against valves, hit nerves, blew out veins - well by the time I read WTF was going on I’d already caused severe damage. I’d say irreparable but after 20 years off IV H, things actually healed or rerouted at least. I never had the same probs with M or esp C. Perhaps both are way more soluble w misses - IDK but the real damage comes and came from tar.
These days I’m here looking for solutions for much different probs. TBH when I saw some photos here (not sure it’s this post) of redness and bruising - I’m thinking man, that’s nothing! So, it tells me I must be really bad off which I knew but I expected to see far worse damage. I have a lot of things working against me. Mainly chemo which has destroyed the inside of the vascular system, lymphedema preexisting before I relapsed on H and finally a sudden severe prob not caused by treatment which is the red, hot, pitted edema. I noticed well before now that even if I don’t miss there will be either permanent black spots or worse like necrosis like every single time from day 1. It’s been maybe 9 months now. Like I’ll never again wear shorts or shortsleeves which sucks bc it’s over 90• here.
One NP is aware but I’ve managed to keep the relapse under wraps with the other docs - which is actually the best I can hope for bc it’s like pulling teeth to even get Lortabs which haven’t worked in 20y. So I found a solution and I want it so badly - I found oxy40 IR will actually hold me 6-8h to my surprise bc I was sure I’d ruined all opiates by now. That one I never abused. I did try an ER (v IR) and that won’t work. Prob is Medicaid. It turns out that when I reached out to try to get to a pain management doc I was offered spinal injections only. Then I began really searching for a doc. Referral after referral came back with they will treat joint/back pain but not cancer pain. It’s not like from cancer I don’t have neuropathy and severe arthritis anyway (same w lymphedema) but whatever. The bottom line is no such docs exist and to try maybe the larger cities 3 or 4 hours away. Wow. Really?
While the one NP knows and thus the accompanying oncologist who actually yelled at me about it… I told him teary eyed that I never wanted to revisit this after 20y either!! It’s just that I can only handle so much pain/discomfort untreated before yeah - I finally sought relief. Of course that didn’t go over well either I’m sure bc he’s lucky enough to have never struggled with addiction.
I’d trade the meds I get happily for a single med that will replace the H. I don’t expect the transition to be quite that easy but I saw hope anyway. Yet these docs don’t even want to prescribe the lortabs & MS for breakthrough which honestly I take neither bc I might as well be tossing then over my shoulder than popping them into my mouth. They’re useless. Besides often, they won’t even call them in for a week+ which if I was so dependent on them - that’d lead to a relapse right there.
I’m at a loss on what to do really. I found a quack but the second I mentioned cancer - they were never going to see me. I just didn’t know unfortunately. It finally dawned on me that there are two types of palliative care. Docs have always steered me away from that but there is the end of life kind but also in the waiting room, reading the magazines I’ve read to get a good palliative care doc right off the bat which wld hv been 6+ years ago now. I’m guessing that has to be one last option. Where I am now is there is nowhere to hit without severe damage but i hv to every 8 hrs. And the NP sd go inpatient on Friday (passed). See …no. No. Besides then all meds will be gone anyway. She’s worried about septicemia or DVT & yeah so am I.
I’m at a loss. I’m at my stomach but that’s when things seemed to get worse. Not really -they were bad every single time but that’s where I’m at. Plus self-antibiotics for 5days and elevated legs to stave off sepsis - actually erysipelas to be exact.
I don’t expect any answers.
In another post someone said something about women whose fingers were swollen in the morning. I saw that years ago esp on older women who did meth Iv. People used to talk about IV users -women- had huge hands. Luckily I don’t have that problem though I have every other one… Yet I think that goes along with people that use IV drugs.
