Another Opiod recovery/withdrawal journal

[artiecosmo]

This might be in the wrong place, feel free to move it if so.

Also, this is gonna be long- I have been known to be especially windy. I don't expect anyone to read this. I'm not even sure why I am writing it or posting it. Had the urge I suppose and I want to indulge positive urges. It is one thing that I can indulge in that isn't negative at the moment. Anyhow, here is another loser's journal about quitting. Or maybe not quitting. Who knows.

I just passed 24 hours. I took my last 12.5 mgs of Percocet officially 24 hours ago. Quick background: I have taken Percocet/Vicodin fairly consistently over the past five years or so. Over the last year my average daily intake was 40-50 mg of Percocet. There were plenty of days in there when I didn’t have Percocet, and lots of other days I took Nuycenta or Vicodin. The most Percocet I ever took in a day was 90 mg’s- I think. I never touched triple digits I am pretty sure.

I have never snorted a pill; never done a cold-water extraction, never put it up my butt. I get a monthly prescription from my doctor for 60 pills varying between 10-20 mgs. The last couple of months it has been 10s. This is my choice- the Dr would give me 20 mg if I asked for it, but I don’t. Almost feels shameful. Should note that I have a shoulder that looks like it went through a blender and a back that has taken the brunt of high level athletics for many years. I played a sport in college and after college played in semi-pro leagues. I was/am a good athlete. However, I have scoliosis and terrible posture and a poor skeleton. I put stress on parts of my body that can’t support it because of my composition.

What else to know…I have never bought off the street. I once got scammed for $300 by a Craigslist ad. Actually $325 after the WU fees were added in. Yes, I am an idiot. That was about 16 months ago.

When I run out, and I do every month no matter whether I get 10’s or 20’s, I scrape by with asking or taking from people I know that have them. Yup, sometimes I ask, but other times I steal. Not proud of it. Perhaps I should note that nobody, not a soul, knows about this problem.

I have gone various phases of quitting in the past, but always halfheartedly. It wasn’t that big of a deal- withdrawals that is. Yes, I had restless leg, barely slept, crawling in my skin, etc, but it wasn’t debilitating physically. I could deal with it. I knew it was only 3-5 days and then I’d feel better. It was all mental. I should say it is all mental.

It helps that I am self-employed and can just skip work if I want to. Or work from home. Or work from my bedroom. I do have a family with kids, but they’re used to me working a lot. So if I am in rough shape I can go to my office, shut the door, and deal with it there out of sight of anyone.

When I say it is the mental part that I struggle with, more specifically I mean that I am highly rational and pragmatic. I have gotten to day 5, day 7, day 16 many times. I recall it being difficult sometimes, but not something I couldn’t do again. The feeling of the pills was still better than the feel of the withdrawals I suppose.

And though I wouldn’t say I am optimistic I would say I am practical. I have read a lot of the message boards and stories about people’s withdrawal stories. They are great and I love reading them, but I read them with a hyper focused eye to see what they might have embellished for the sake of the narrative.

I also wonder why I have no recollection of reading about easy withdrawal stories. Perhaps they don’t exist? My belief is that people share the worst stories because it makes the best reading. A WD story that says- “meh, it wasn’t so bad. Kind of sucky for a few days, but that was it” doesn’t exist in this world. That is probably a good thing, especially for folks who might use those stories to rationalize their plans of quitting. Maybe I am that person rationalizing? Maybe I am that person with the unexciting story?

My last note about the WD stories we see on Drugs Forum or Blue Light or wherever is that while relating stories that help people, I also think it informs the psyche of people reading it and enhances (in a bad way) their experience. They might have 1/10^th of some symptom the poster is writing about, but just reading the struggle someone else is having I think makes the 1/10^th symptom jump to 6/10^ths . I will not take it personally if you think that opinion is crazy. Perhaps it is. Just what I think at this moment.

There is someone I know who has Percocet and I have gotten some from him before. He is a friend/family, but he is also a giant flake. He said he would give me some, but I haven’t counted on it. He just texted me a few minutes ago that now mysteriously he doesn’t have any. I wouldn’t say I’m devastated. Mostly because he’s a flake and I expected this. But if there was a pill in front of me right now I would take it.

Outside of the Craigslist fiasco, I have never been desperate enough to go on the street and find some. Honestly I would have no idea where to even start. I am incredibly naïve in that sort of thing. I hear non-stop about this heroin epidemic from people who can’t get more pills, but that doesn’t appeal to me either. I have never snorted everything ever. I have never even seen heroin. Or coke. Or meth.

Some of the things I am doing today to help me through the day:
1. taking adderall (I have a legit script)
2. taking anti-poop pills
3. smoking a bit of pot
4. I also have gabapentin for the evening time. I forgot to take it last night- hoping this will help with the restless legs.

I have restless leg even when not withdrawing, so it gets pretty awful when going off. Last night I probably only slept for 3 hours or so.

I do keep counting the hours its been. That has made me feel good for some reason. A sense of pride maybe. Hey look at that- 25 hours.

I know that I am in for a tough night tonight, but I also know that its gonna be Monday before I know it. It’s not that far away. I can do pretty much anything for 4-5 days. So can you.

What’s going to be interesting is that next week I have a Dr, appt when I will be able to get a refill of the Percocet. It will be interesting if I am 6-7 days clean whether I ask for it or not. At this point I would say yes, I will ask. Maybe that changes. Maybe not.

Last thing for this post- while I still love the feeling the pills give me I don’t like anything else along with it. Especially the hiding and sneaking around. Making sure that no one will be able to find them. Hiding my car keys if I have them in the car. Keeping them locked up if at work. Disposing of bottles, receipts, doctors appt crap. That part I am beyond sick of.

What I hope to write about in a future post is my life trajectory in the past 5 years. And honestly, how much better it has gotten. Personally, professionally, financially. Is it possible the Percocet was a performance enhancing drug? It certainly made me more friendly and affable which are two hugely important skills in what I do. Would I have had the same success without being high all the time? No clue, but I am a little hesitant to find out.

25 hours…in 100 more aren’t I supposed to cut my arm off or something?

 

[Jabberwocky]

You're doing okay OP

You are absolutely right, perceptive and expectations can have a strong influence on what we experience during withdrawal, kinda like the now rather trite phrase "set and setting."



It is really important to get into a positive head space when you're detoxing, if you want to make your recovery last any length of time I mean.

 

[My3sons]

You also have other pills making it not as bad as it would be without them and are taking perc 10's. A lot of those wds you read about are much heavier habits and heavier drugs. Consider yourself very lucky that it's not that bad. Don't kid yourself though because if you are stealing pills you are definitely on the road to addiction and it will only get worse. You really should stop before you get any deeper and experience first hand that hell you read about. Believe it exists and most definitely is not a fabrication for most of us.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Don't kid yourself though because if you are stealing pills you are definitely on the road to addiction and it will only get worse. You really should stop before you get any deeper and experience first hand that hell you read about. Believe it exists and most definitely is not a fabrication for most of us.

Whether you stop or not now, if you continue engaging in the same problematic behaviors you'll eventually find yourself in the worst kind of hell (a hell created by the consequences of your own actions). Climbing out is gonna hurt like fuck.

The way one behaves today tends to have a lasting influence on one's quality of life tomorrow.

 

[Moreaux]

I agree with TPD and M3S - if you continue using your addiction will get significantly worse, as will the subsequent withdrawal. Addiction is progressive. You should definitely try to stop now before it gets worse. There comes a point where drugs will stop assisting with productivity and will become more of a hindrance than a help - this is inevitable. If I were in your situation I would evaluate the root reason why you are inclined to be on so many psychoactive substances (opiates, Adderall, pot, gabapenton) as it seems you are definately going down the path of addiction, regardless if some of that stuff was legitimately prescribed or not.

I'm sure there is a legit reason why you take Adderall, but is that reason actually a side effect from some of the other stuff you're taking? Have you explored other avenues to help cope with your back pain? I think you are heading down a path that is not going to end well and it sounds like you have a lot at risk (family, business, health). I think you need to soberly and honestly consider the reasons you are using each substance and look for non-psychoactive solutions. I also think you may benefit from learning yoga and mindful meditation as both will help with stress and the yoga will help some with the back pain.

It's very easy to justify certain substances when you suffer legitimate medical issues, but sometimes we the reason we consume those substances changes from treating a medical issue to helping us cope with life and that's where we set ourselves up for a nasty painful addiction that robs up of all our hard work and what we value most in life. I've asked you questions throughout this post - we don't need answers to those questions, I think you need to pose those questions to yourself and honestly answer them. I think it's time for you to do an honest inventory of your situation. I could be wrong, it just seems like the warning signs are there and I don't want you to ignore them.

I am glad that you're withdrawal is too uncomfortable, however, you have some really good meds that are helping with the symptoms. Keep in mind it can be much much worse, and you may not always be so fortunate. I would take others people's withdrawal stories at face value- as somebody who has gone through opiate withdrawal and also benzo withdrawal (you may also get to experience something similar depending on the dose and frequency of use of gabapenton), they are not exaggerating. I wish you the best and hope your withdrawal continues to go smoothly. Good luck!

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Seems a bit odd to me that you'd start a thread titled 'opiate recovery journal' that's going to act as a beacon to people really suffering and then tell the same people that reading opiate detox journals is only going to make things worse and that 90% of symptoms are in their heads and that most wd is placebo. I once lost two stone in weight during opiate detox, after three solid weeks of unending pain and insomnia I could barely summon the energy to climb the stairs to my room. I went to see the doctor but was so screwed I forgot the way there. The same route I make to work 10 times a week. There was nothing placebo about it, in fact I had to psyche myself to feel good just to see friends.

Good luck getting off the percs. Echoing the wise people above, do get off now before it gets really bad. Reading this reminds me of the days I falsely believed I could deal with these things better than everybody else. I couldn't.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Seems a bit odd to me that you'd start a thread titled 'opiate recovery journal' that's going to act as a beacon to people really suffering and then tell the same people that reading opiate detox journals is only going to make things worse and that 90% of symptoms are in their heads and that most wd is placebo. I once lost two stone in weight during opiate detox, after three solid weeks of unending pain and insomnia I could barely summon the energy to climb the stairs to my room. I went to see the doctor but was so screwed I forgot the way there. The same route I make to work 10 times a week. There was nothing placebo about it, in fact I had to psyche myself to feel good just to see friends.

Good luck getting off the percs. Echoing the wise people above, do get off now before it gets really bad. Reading this reminds me of the days I falsely believed I could deal with these things better than everybody else. I couldn't.

Very, very good points. I only was alluding to how powerful mind tricks can be. Thank you Jonxx for your sensibility

 

[14YearsOfFlux]

OP - We appear to be peas in a pod. My Recovery Journal (just posted at the top of the forum) reads very similar.... PM me. Let's team up on this bitch.

 

[chaosagent]

This might be in the wrong place, feel free to move it if so.

Also, this is gonna be long- I have been known to be especially windy. I don't expect anyone to read this. I'm not even sure why I am writing it or posting it. Had the urge I suppose and I want to indulge positive urges. It is one thing that I can indulge in that isn't negative at the moment. Anyhow, here is another loser's journal about quitting. Or maybe not quitting. Who knows.

I just passed 24 hours. I took my last 12.5 mgs of Percocet officially 24 hours ago. Quick background: I have taken Percocet/Vicodin fairly consistently over the past five years or so. Over the last year my average daily intake was 40-50 mg of Percocet. There were plenty of days in there when I didn’t have Percocet, and lots of other days I took Nuycenta or Vicodin. The most Percocet I ever took in a day was 90 mg’s- I think. I never touched triple digits I am pretty sure.

I have never snorted a pill; never done a cold-water extraction, never put it up my butt. I get a monthly prescription from my doctor for 60 pills varying between 10-20 mgs. The last couple of months it has been 10s. This is my choice- the Dr would give me 20 mg if I asked for it, but I don’t. Almost feels shameful. Should note that I have a shoulder that looks like it went through a blender and a back that has taken the brunt of high level athletics for many years. I played a sport in college and after college played in semi-pro leagues. I was/am a good athlete. However, I have scoliosis and terrible posture and a poor skeleton. I put stress on parts of my body that can’t support it because of my composition.

What else to know…I have never bought off the street. I once got scammed for $300 by a Craigslist ad. Actually $325 after the WU fees were added in. Yes, I am an idiot. That was about 16 months ago.

When I run out, and I do every month no matter whether I get 10’s or 20’s, I scrape by with asking or taking from people I know that have them. Yup, sometimes I ask, but other times I steal. Not proud of it. Perhaps I should note that nobody, not a soul, knows about this problem.

I have gone various phases of quitting in the past, but always halfheartedly. It wasn’t that big of a deal- withdrawals that is. Yes, I had restless leg, barely slept, crawling in my skin, etc, but it wasn’t debilitating physically. I could deal with it. I knew it was only 3-5 days and then I’d feel better. It was all mental. I should say it is all mental.

It helps that I am self-employed and can just skip work if I want to. Or work from home. Or work from my bedroom. I do have a family with kids, but they’re used to me working a lot. So if I am in rough shape I can go to my office, shut the door, and deal with it there out of sight of anyone.

When I say it is the mental part that I struggle with, more specifically I mean that I am highly rational and pragmatic. I have gotten to day 5, day 7, day 16 many times. I recall it being difficult sometimes, but not something I couldn’t do again. The feeling of the pills was still better than the feel of the withdrawals I suppose.

And though I wouldn’t say I am optimistic I would say I am practical. I have read a lot of the message boards and stories about people’s withdrawal stories. They are great and I love reading them, but I read them with a hyper focused eye to see what they might have embellished for the sake of the narrative.

I also wonder why I have no recollection of reading about easy withdrawal stories. Perhaps they don’t exist? My belief is that people share the worst stories because it makes the best reading. A WD story that says- “meh, it wasn’t so bad. Kind of sucky for a few days, but that was it” doesn’t exist in this world. That is probably a good thing, especially for folks who might use those stories to rationalize their plans of quitting. Maybe I am that person rationalizing? Maybe I am that person with the unexciting story?

My last note about the WD stories we see on Drugs Forum or Blue Light or wherever is that while relating stories that help people, I also think it informs the psyche of people reading it and enhances (in a bad way) their experience. They might have 1/10^th of some symptom the poster is writing about, but just reading the struggle someone else is having I think makes the 1/10^th symptom jump to 6/10^ths . I will not take it personally if you think that opinion is crazy. Perhaps it is. Just what I think at this moment.

There is someone I know who has Percocet and I have gotten some from him before. He is a friend/family, but he is also a giant flake. He said he would give me some, but I haven’t counted on it. He just texted me a few minutes ago that now mysteriously he doesn’t have any. I wouldn’t say I’m devastated. Mostly because he’s a flake and I expected this. But if there was a pill in front of me right now I would take it.

Outside of the Craigslist fiasco, I have never been desperate enough to go on the street and find some. Honestly I would have no idea where to even start. I am incredibly naïve in that sort of thing. I hear non-stop about this heroin epidemic from people who can’t get more pills, but that doesn’t appeal to me either. I have never snorted everything ever. I have never even seen heroin. Or coke. Or meth.

Some of the things I am doing today to help me through the day:
1. taking adderall (I have a legit script)
2. taking anti-poop pills
3. smoking a bit of pot
4. I also have gabapentin for the evening time. I forgot to take it last night- hoping this will help with the restless legs.

I have restless leg even when not withdrawing, so it gets pretty awful when going off. Last night I probably only slept for 3 hours or so.

I do keep counting the hours its been. That has made me feel good for some reason. A sense of pride maybe. Hey look at that- 25 hours.

I know that I am in for a tough night tonight, but I also know that its gonna be Monday before I know it. It’s not that far away. I can do pretty much anything for 4-5 days. So can you.

What’s going to be interesting is that next week I have a Dr, appt when I will be able to get a refill of the Percocet. It will be interesting if I am 6-7 days clean whether I ask for it or not. At this point I would say yes, I will ask. Maybe that changes. Maybe not.

Last thing for this post- while I still love the feeling the pills give me I don’t like anything else along with it. Especially the hiding and sneaking around. Making sure that no one will be able to find them. Hiding my car keys if I have them in the car. Keeping them locked up if at work. Disposing of bottles, receipts, doctors appt crap. That part I am beyond sick of.

What I hope to write about in a future post is my life trajectory in the past 5 years. And honestly, how much better it has gotten. Personally, professionally, financially. Is it possible the Percocet was a performance enhancing drug? It certainly made me more friendly and affable which are two hugely important skills in what I do. Would I have had the same success without being high all the time? No clue, but I am a little hesitant to find out.

25 hours…in 100 more aren’t I supposed to cut my arm off or something?

I would like to say that i think this a really good way for you to work thru your recovery efforts. I think it will help you in many ways.. Thank you sharing i would like to work this into my organization .. recovery journal.. it cant hurt but yet may save your life. and many others.