Mental Health anhedonia/cognitive issues/flip floppy ocd illogical thoughts-mdma and adderall abuse (advice is appreciated)

[Spoonbill]

Hey guys my name is Andersen.

for quite sometime, nearly five years, i have been struggling with some mental issues. I abused a lot of MDMA and also high doses of vyvanse and adderall (with no tolerance) in highschool. I abused these drugs for probably close to a year or two. my usage amount is really unknown i probably snorted anywhere from like a half of a gram to a gram of molly with a couple friends once or twice of month or every other month for close to a year. And i probably took 75 mg of vyvanse , anywhere from like 3-4 times a week for like close to a year. Sporadically i used both of these the previous year, and sometimes snorted d amphetamine salts. Why ? i still couldnt tell you. I suppose i had an addictive personality and just didnt care. I had nothing else to invest in. Id go back and change everything.

any way im 23 now. I graduated in 2016 when i was 18. and thats pretty much when i quit all of these substances besides an occasional lds, dmt , or mushroom trip. Im pretty much sober 99 percent of the time now. i have been for a couple years..


heres what i struggle with. i dont attribute all of this to drugs, just most of it. I know some of my issues are due to genetics, and just the enviornment i grew up in

Lack of social awareness
hard time sticking to school or job
hard time focusing
obsessive thoughts/ irrational thoughts
depersonalizing
headaches/neck pain
sleep issues
upsetting people with things i say/do
compulsively doin things i shouldnt or feel like are not me
mood/personality/perception variable day to day
irritability
horrible memory
craving/binging sugar and caffiene
hard time communicating correctly and responding properly and controlling situations
alot of times i feel like i cant keep up and am not present enough
foggy brained
thoughts everything i do is wrong
cognitive impairment
cant feel proper or make correct decisions
switch back and forth on things / overthink things but feel so numb

so ive had my blood tested and all looked pretty good. i might have been low on iron. my t is on the lower side but still in normal ranges. and ive had my hormones tested everything seems to be ok. I try to stay sober, exercise and eat good. ive been doing this for a couple years but its just so hard for me to be really consistent or even want more. im at a point where i dont know if anything is going to heal anymore. so im getting a sleep study and waiting to see another psychiatrist. i have been told all of this is simply anxiety and depression but to be honest it doesnt feel like either. my life just feels numb and broken. its really unexplainable. to most people i seem normal.

im wondering where to go from here. is it worth pursuing medication? what do you think would help me? ive tried to get on 2 snris but have failed due to them causing me sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, headaches, and me over thinking it. ive read about things like NSI189 and an Maoi b helping this. i wonder if id just adjust to medication and still have the same problems eventually. i think if i could get the anhedonia under control and just feel like my thoughts were based more in reality , then i could do pretty good.

any help or information about where to go, what to try, or something that might help would be greatly appreciated. its been like 5 to 6 years. i just want some sort of life back. im not sure if ill ever understand this. ive lost everything though.

thanks and take care

 

[simstim]

I think you'll find that the vast majority of people are likely to struggle with at least a few things on your list of symptoms.

It doesn't sound particularly bothering the level of use that you've had so far, at least not to me. Then again I've been bingeing grams and grams of MDMA the past few months.

I personally find it unhealthy to obsess about possible damage I've caused myself with MDMA or amphetamine. I think you're more likely than not to be able to find some possible symptoms whoever you are and wondering won't solve your problem. I think for me the problem already existed or i wouldn't have been self medicating with MDMA.

Medication can help some people. Try not to get stuck with the i fucked myself in my youth with MDMA mindset too much. Personally i think it will do nothing but make you obsess over it possibly making symptoms worse.

There are people who have done way more and are ok.