Am i living a sober life? Please give me your thoughts!

[olypen]

I consider myself clean and sober and so does my NA group. I want some other opinions, realizing full well i will get some answers that i like, some I dislike and some I just plain hate. Nonetheless outside input, constructive criticism and opinions are welcome by me for consideration and introspection. I am not asking for medical advice or anyone to tell me how to manage my med regimen. If i posted in the wrong forum, move the thread, but since i am basically asking if individuals think i am living sober i thought this was the appropriate place.

Here's some history. I've been off and on opiates and other drugs for a couple of decades. I've always used a geographic relocation approach to get clean, basically run away. I've never been to treatment and I've never even considered NA anything other than a Jesus filled cult. I've also been diagnosed as bipolar by several psych doctors but always thought it was bullshit and eventually go off the meds and go back to using.

After a recent nasty run extracting fentanyl to smoke/slam I looked up sub doctors and found one who was also a psychiatrist. I figured that was sign from the universe and i went in for both managing the bipolar and getting clean. So i started suboxone @24mg a day, because of the amount of fent i was using and it was still miserable at first. I also restarted psych meds at these daily doses, some are not taken all at once but broken up: Celexa 40mg, Topamax 200mg, valium 20mg and Restoril 30mg.

At this point I have cut the subs down to 16mg and plan on going as low as possible without the craving coming back before i am strong enough to handle them. I have also found out the NA isn't a Jesus filled cult and have started attending meetings 5 days a week, which is every day they have them here. I am working on getting a sponsor, i just have to call him every day for 30 days before it's official.

Right now i'm in a manic phase, so people tend to think i'm on speed even when i take the valium and i do not abuse it. I also would get zero sleep without the restoril. I've tried stuff like remeron or trazodone, but they leave me in a fog well into the next day.

I could increase the Topamax, but that just increases cognitive impairment which isn't good at work. The shrink mentioned increasing the topamax, decreasing the valium and adding vyvanse or adderall for cognitive functioning, but i didn't think that was a good idea. I also refuse to take any antipsychotics because I've seen tardive dyskinesia first hand and there is no way in hell I am risking that. So, what do you think? I know i am making progress, but am i actually living a sober life? If you made it reading this far, thanks and if you bother to post i REALLY appreciate it!!

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

In my humble opinion if you are not abusing drugs or meds, even if they are abusable, then you are fighting the good fight. Getting hung up on the word sober won't do you any good. Some would say you're sober and some would say you're not, but if you aren't abusing anything then I'd say you're sober or at least fighting the good fight. Don't worry about the details, just get yourself on track to have a healthy happy life. Best of luck.

 

[Mrs.Grey]

This is an awesome question. I consider addiction a medical condition just as in any medical condition some require maintenance with medication. Would you think any less of a diabetic who has to take meds to maintain their heath 100% not. There is still a stigma with mental health and addiction, and hopefully one day as a society we can move past this. Are you living a good life, feeling good about yourself, being good to others. That's a clean life, a good life. Whether you have to take meds or not.

 

[P0kemama]

You are brave to ask for opinions... kudos to you! I just posted over on the May sobriety thread re: NA and other 12 step meetings and how they are good, overall, and worked well when I was getting 100% clean and sober 16 years ago. My main fellowship was Cocaine Anonymous, cuz of the crack I smoked, and at the time, they were pretty black and white, all or nothing... you were clean or you weren't. I believe if we are prescribed medication by a medical provider with whom we have been honest and take the medication pretty much as prescribed, meaning sometimes we take less, then we are "in recovery", because we are recovering from the disease of addiction, and in many cases, from mental illness as well. As you say, if you feel supported by your NA group around the meds you are prescribed, if you have been honest with your prescriber, and in your core being know you are treating a disease, not feeding an addiction, I believe you are in recovery. To take it a step further, for me, that means I have boundaries around who I tell about my psychiatric meds, based on trustworthiness and their need to know. I have found there is still judgement by others around taking antidepressants, for example, by some AA people I know, so I keep myself safe and only share with people who are worthy of knowing. This is a bit more than what you asked for, so feel free to disregard... just throwing my 2 cents out there!

 

[herbavore]

I think that nothing is ever written in stone (or shouldn't be). We are all different and what is sober to one is not for someone else. But even beyond that, I think it is a good idea to keep a fluid mind when it comes to your own definitions. What may mean sober to you in this phase of your life might not be what you consider sober in another phase. Dealing with bipolar and addiction means that you really have to get to know yourself and what works best for staying stable and healthy. It's great that you found a psychiatrist that you can work with.

 

[Azure Cloud]

I think you are doing very well not abusing drugs. Great job turning down the Adderall and vyvanse, that shit is potentially a lot more trouble than it's worth.

 

[totach]

I agree with all the other posters only you decide if you are sober or not like I mentioned in the sober thread as long as what you are taking is making your life positive then you are doing the right thing

 

[olypen]

Thanks guys, i tend to get caught up in semantics and internal debates too easily. I know i am making progress in the fight with addiction but also feel like i'm losing ground in other areas, like upkeep around the house and organization. It's amazing how well i kept up on shit like laundry when i was blasting opiates

I just hope i can eventually get off the suboxone, find the tools and build healthy relationships to deal with cravings. I also hope I can find a med regime that does not include, or includes a minimal amount of benzos, and that i manage to stick with it instead of deciding the whole bipolar thing is a load of crap. I tend to do that when I'm stable. It's not uncommon i guess, but i feel fine and decide i dont need these stupid meds and stop taking them. i do fine for a while, then symptoms start up and the same vicious circle starts over again.

I sort of feel like i'm in the honeymoon phase of things right now. Everything is getting better and better. At some point it's bound to plateau and/or the mania is going to turn to depression. I hope I'm stable enough to cope with it all and have the supports in place to make it work.

Thanks again for your input guy!

 

[simco]

speaking personally, i believe that in the early stages of recovery we need to "give ourselves a break." i have problems with several drugs, but heroin is far and away the most dangerous of them. so for me, at this point, i count my clean time from my last opiate lapse. i still smoke weed like crazy. i figure my chances of dying or doing serious jail time for personal use of pot is low, while either of those things could quite realistically happen if i'm running around copping and railing dope.

so that's how i count my own clean time for now. though admittedly, when people at NA ask if anyone has an anniversary, i always keep quiet. i'm not gonna lie about being 100% clean... what's the point of that, unless you really really want a free key tag?

i'll tackle the weed etc. if it seems problematic. right now my ONLY priority is getting out from under my H habit.

 

[Dresden]

No, you're not exactly sober, but being 100% free of "all mind and mood altering substances" isn't exactly the holy grail of having a successful, fulfilling life like NA/AA would have you believe. Moderation is a better, more realistic approach for non-fanatics.

 

[xelence]

speaking personally, i believe that in the early stages of recovery we need to "give ourselves a break." i have problems with several drugs, but heroin is far and away the most dangerous of them. so for me, at this point, i count my clean time from my last opiate lapse. i still smoke weed like crazy. i figure my chances of dying or doing serious jail time for personal use of pot is low, while either of those things could quite realistically happen if i'm running around copping and railing dope.

so that's how i count my own clean time for now. though admittedly, when people at NA ask if anyone has an anniversary, i always keep quiet. i'm not gonna lie about being 100% clean... what's the point of that, unless you really really want a free key tag?

i'll tackle the weed etc. if it seems problematic. right now my ONLY priority is getting out from under my H habit.

Hey man, hope you’re alive and well. I know this thread is almost 6 years old but I searched “restoril and vyvanse” and this was one of the top results. Anyways, I’m glad I found the thread and I wished I’d found it earlier. I was attending meetings for a while but always kind of felt the odd man out because I’m prescribed meds and also because I smoke weed sometimes. I liked the first commenter’s response: they said not to get too hung up on the word “sober”. I’ve even had people tell me, “hey you know what we like having you around so fuck it” but then there would always be the haters. People scanning the rooms looking for people and their programs to shit on and say just weren’t real members. Other people would tell me “this shit is lame if I didn’t HAVE to be here I wouldn’t. After enough of that (and some interpersonal guy/girl drama where I ended up getting kind of ostracized for being an idiot simp about one girl and flat out ignoring another) I eventually shirked away from the program. Idk what the point of this comment is. Hope everyone is good.

 

[Iceman1216]

I have been in the rooms of recovery for a few 24 hours, and the premises of totally clean boxes not work for all people ! I ran a very hard program in my youth. Yet now after many funerals, as long as someone is practicing Harm Reduction , I do not Care what you call yourself!! I will call you a Winner