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Am I crazy for wanting to date a girl with a child that isn't mine?

K

Kyl

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 21, 2015
Messages
54
I've been seeing this girl for around 3 months now and dating her for a month and a half. In the beginning, all we did was hook up, hangout (at my place), and go to the occasional dinner. A month and some weeks go by of doing this and I eventually ask her to be my girlfriend. She said yes and we have been official for a month and a half to this date.

IMPORTANT: I am 19, she is 21, the child is 1 year old.

I love everything about her. I am not in love with her yet because it's too early to tell but I could see myself in love with her in the future. She's just right for me, we've both been through a lot of similar experiences for better or for worse and we really relate. Our chemistry is off the charts. It's just my ideal relationship.

However, there's always one problem isn't there? She has a child who is a year old. The child is not mine and the Dad is a deadbeat, in and out of jail, drug addict, broke my girlfriend's cheek bone, just a fucking loser in general.

My Dad passed away when I Was 15, but I lost him to drug addiction when I was around 12. So I know what it's like to not have a Dad around due to whatever reason. And I can't help but have sympathy for this poor little girl who was brought into this Earth by a man who just abandoned her.

Me being 19 years old, all my friends are of course making fun of me, calling me step-dad, etc. I have played with this child, pushed her in the stroller, took her to the zoo, took her to dinner, and bought her toys that she picked out. I really love this little girl. All the time my girlfriend has been there with us of course.

Deep down, it does kind of bother me that this loser beat me to it. I don't spite the child, I spite the Father for putting his dick in my perfect girlfriend and not having enough balls to take care of his own. Honestly, I am a little upset that they share a bond of having a child together. It makes me jealous.

But so far, I have been more of a Father to this little girl than her own Dad, yet somehow I feel like I might be crazy? I mean people make me want to feel crazy because I've read comments on how I must be desperate, I shouldn't throw my life away at 19, I'm too young to take care of a child. etc. But I can't help but want to take care of this little girl simply because I know how it feels to not have a Father, yeah it sucks that she isn't mine but I just want her to know that not all men are going to abandon her in her life. And I also hate watching my girlfriend struggle financially. Being a single Mom with no help from the Father is not easy on her. She is always stressed and I just want to make both of their lives better. Because I know if we last I will eventually love them both.

What are your thoughts on this?
Thanks
-Kyl
 
Yea man I honestly can relate to your situation I my self found my self in the same place some years ago. The main thing I think that will be super important to the success of your relationship is to 100% not have any resentments toward her or the kid or the father. If you are 100% honest with your self hear and there truly is zero then it may work... but it's way to soon to truly tell. Like I said I found myself in the same situation and did decide to make it work, in my case tho I did have deep down resentments and they did not truly show them selfs till we had kids of our own. I am still working on this and it had been vary hard on me, but I am not all to blame I feel, her kid takes my kindness and abuses it when I have put my whole life on the line to better theres, examples I bought a house, car, pay bills normal stuff but it just really eats you up when u kno it's being abused by the child. And some thing as simple as eating at the table or turning our lights when the room is not in use become a trigger towards anger. Any way I'm dragging on only you kno deep down if you truely want this and the biggest factor is time in a situation like this please give it time your young.
 
Your biological kids will leave the lights on too! Trust me that's what kids do!
 
honest advice hear man from experience... I know it be hard but leave this girl because the real baby daddy will NEVER be out of the picture. That loser dude that knocked her up will ALWAYS be a part of her life and you do not want to be involved with that shit trust me...

The dude is gunna start fucking with you soon if you get too involved with her and start a real relationship. Seriously man I hope you listen to me I've been through this so many times and the girl always always always still has contact with the real dad... your right they share a bond together by having the kid and it never be broken

find another girl to talk to and it make getting over this chick easier because your mind will become fixated on the new girl.
 
I see that you feel as though you're coming from a good place here and have good intentions, but your post just reeks of youthful arrogance and naivety.

Fact is, you're not ready for this. You are far from ready for this, and I suggest you work on your self-awareness and make this realisation for yourself very soon.

You are going into this situation envisioning some big bad knight in shining armour...and of course that little damsel in distress who probably gives a mean blowjob, and the innocent child too. Someone must think of the children!! And that's you. The hero of the story. You see them as in need, but do you really see yourself as someone who is established and wise who is ready to fill the voids in the lives of these people that you have only known for a matter of weeks? Or are you doing this for unhealthy reasons?

You're a teenager. You have a fuckton of maturing, learning and growing to do. You are not ready to commit to being a father figure as well as partner to this girl you don't even know. You have no clue what you're doing here, and lack clarity and confidence in your decisions. You were posting just yesterday talking about ending the relationship ffs. You're on a drugs forum doubting your feelings about not being invited to a kid's bday party...just think about that for a second. And another second.

You need to become a man and get your shit figured out and sorted before you waltz in and have a crack at playing big man of the household to some girl and her kid. You're not ready to parent and you sound like you could still use some support and guidance from your parent's yourself.

Your time will come for a family if that's what your goal is, but it's not now.
 
No, of course you aren't crAzy. If you really like her and can see a future with her and her child then go for it. Lots of people become parents at a young age. I had my first at 21 and married my husband a few years later. We went on to have 4 more children and are one big happy family. And my eldest has nothing to do with his bio dad (mutual decision between the two of us as I met my husband when my child was a baby.). My hubby is a couple of years older than me so wasn't 19 but everyone matures differently and everyone takes a different life path.

Take it slow and don't involve the child too much (for the child's sake) until you are sure, but single mums deserve a good partner just as much as anyone and if she is the one for you then mum and bub come as a package and you can make it work if its meant to be. You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy and if she is it then thats great.

Feelings towards the father can be worked on and issues can be faced and sorted out. There are SO many blended families and I can assure you not all of them feel resentment, especially towards children. Yes issues WILL come up but they can be dealt with on a case by case basis, and being with a single mum because you love her and the child is not throwing your life away, that's such a horrible way to think. Be prepared to deal with the feelings of jealousy and other issues, and you need to realise that the dad has his own story and is a human being too, that will help.

It's a choice you make though. And if you choose to stay, don't have that attitude of 'oh I've sacrificed so much and paid bills and built this life blah blah - now the kid owes me.' A family makes sacrifices for each other, no matter what that family looks like or how it began. Good luck.
 
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You say that it sucks to see her struggle financially... what's your plan to help her?
 
Why would you bring such stress into your life? You are too young and don't have a sgtable situation. On the other hand, if all you want is to have fun together and not have a serious relationship, there is no big risk in that.
 
socko said:
. On the other hand, if all you want is to have fun together and not have a serious relationship, there is no big risk in that.
Click to expand...

As long as the child isn't involved / forming a bond with this guy (which it sounds like is already happening )..... If bio dad isn't around, the little girl will look up to the new guy as a father figure and its not fair on the child to have men coming men coming and going. That IS a risk. And Op if you decide to travel this path, please make it clear that these are your intentions so the mother can do the right thing by the child. It is lonely being a single mother ( I was only one for few months 16 years ago but have known plenty ) and mums can generally be looking for something more long term and stable for the sake of their child.

It sounds like you are already falling hard for both mum and bub so this may not be what you want to do Op. just follow your heart and be prepared to deal with issues because they will arise. You do sound like you have you head screwed on and your heart in the right place and your intentions are good, that's not for anyone else to decide. Lots of people choose to start families young and do brilliantly, some don't but some older parents are crap too! It's all individual. Again; best of luck.

If you do decide to end it, do it soon before mum and daughter get more attached.
 
When you get ten more years to your age you end up finding that many of the girls you date have children or otherwise you have to look for much younger women than your age.

Whatever you decide to do with your current situation please stick to that decision and don't bounce on and off as it will at the some point be emotionally stressful for the child. You are the only one who can decide what to do and can eventually deal with the father too whether or not it involves using a baseball bat.
 
I speak from the other end of this spectrum as a grandfather who has a grandchild who no longer has a father (suicide)
My daughter has a boyfriend, he is nice enough, but I know very deep down that to my daughter the child comes first.
In my world being a dad is a big deal.
It's not a game, and the little person who will become your stepdaughter may well need your love, respect, and strength at some time in her life.
Being a dad to a kid who is not yours is not easy. You will need to build a relationship and that consists not only of the easy things like doing stuff together but also the hard things like changing her diapers, nursing her when sick, feeding and washing her when mummy is away and sometimes saying no or being creative so that no is not no but a step to one side.
You still have to get an education and grow up, so really I wonder if this is a good idea for you at this present time.
 
the issue is you can become close to this girl and then the relationship with the mother may fall apart. setting the child up for a lifetime of relationships its expects will break down.

dont get into a childs life for it to love you and feel secure if you are going to leave 1 year/1 month/1 day later.

have you got your own place? how is your employment situation. children need providers
 
AnythingEverything said:
As long as the child isn't involved / forming a bond with this guy (which it sounds like is already happening )..... If bio dad isn't around, the little girl will look up to the new guy as a father figure and its not fair on the child to have men coming men coming and going. That IS a risk. And Op if you decide to travel this path, please make it clear that these are your intentions so the mother can do the right thing by the child. It is lonely being a single mother ( I was only one for few months 16 years ago but have known plenty ) and mums can generally be looking for something more long term and stable for the sake of their child.

It sounds like you are already falling hard for both mum and bub so this may not b.....
Click to expand...
Good points.
 
plz listen to everyone. I'm 27 and tried to do the same. Got us a home took care of them financially and even tho I loved them it all fell apart and towards the end I was miserable. The child comes first and once again your both very young and not done figuring out who you are. If your both having just fun then have fun but you'll regret this sooner or later. You have your whole life ahead of you have fun enjoy it meet other chicks do dumb shit etc. If you do this your life as you kno it is over and becomes only the betterment of that child. You can't just pick up and have fun with your girl or party etc. Trust me walk away or let it only be something casual your not mature, financially ready etc to take on this burden and it may not seem like a burden but once the honeymoon phase is over or things go sour you'll regret taking on this. I thought I was ready at 27 had the income got the partying out of my system etc and tho we had some good times all it did was hurt me when things went south I didn't only lose my fiancee but a lil boy I tried to be a father too and honestly at 27 I wasn't even ready to take on all the responsibility tho I tried.
 
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