Am I am addict? What to do?

[F'Loki]

Hey all,

So probably not the most positive first post ever, but I remembered bluelight many years ago when I was just discovering drugs. So i'd thought i'd see if it was still around. Happily it is, I am glad to see

Well fast forward 15 years, I am now 33 years old. Most my drug use days were when I was around 18/19, and I admit I had some trouble controlling my use (amphetamines and MDMA were my drugs of choice, 3.5 grams phet, 2 grams MDMA a weekend respectively at it's peak, but throw in Ketamine, alcohol, coke too on occasion). I never became an addict though. I kind of made the decision to get away from 'friends' who I knew were not good for me or real friends...I bought a one way ticket to India at 19 and travelled for just over 6 months by myself. That was a real wake up call to say the least. It really helped me.
I ended up catching a very nasty bout of typhoid and spent a month in hospital there, and afterwards decided it was the universes' way of telling me I really needed to work out who I was and how to value my life more. So I ended up staying at a Buddhist retreat centre for a few weeks. Tough, but taught me a lot.

When I got back home, I felt I couldn't connect with any of my old 'friends': I decided to stick to being t-total. It lasted a good year or two before I felt dissatisfied with it. Mild-Moderate weed and booze were just the norm for the next 10 years- along with psychedelics which I found to really help me on a deeply spiritual level - as I lost contact with all those 'friends' I used to party with.

I travelled more, upto a year at a time, and fell in love with a German girl whilst in Laos. Our relationship was intense - it lasted a few years and we got engaged. She came to move back to UK with me and we even picked the same university to go to...

Unfortunately 6 months in and I found out she was cheating on me.

I did not handle it well. Very badly infact. I took a sabbatical from uni (though never went back) and just used my student loan to go travelling again to "get over it". Getting over it was productive at first - I did a Thai language course and spent a few more months in Asia before running out of money: Unfortunately during this period it eventually became very unproductive. I didnt really process what had happened and so turned to methamphetamine and diazepam whilst still in South East Asia, and drank about a bottle of whisky every day or two. The nasty cycle of upper and downers.

Fortunately I realised what was happening and bought a plane ticket home...

Best decision ever....Long story short met my wife at the tail end of this crisis and after 7 years love her more and more each day. Marriage is great, ignore what they say about it taking away your freedom lol If you find the right one it wont be like that at all...

Anyway, fast forward another few years into the marriage: At this point I just drank occasionally and my wife had never touched any drugs. I had lost all my contacts and hadnt yet found out about the darknet and how you could buy drugs online (sorry if this is sourcing - not intentional). But one day a friend bought weed around. I bought occasionally but tbh find these days it just makes me anxious as fuck so rarely smoked it.

Okay, so fast forward 3 years ago....I find out about the darknet. This is where the problems start (again).

Introduced my wife to mushrooms (we are both pagan so it is for more spiritual use), she loved it. I buy MDMA (pure). We make new 'friends'. We take it every weekend for about 8 months. Amphetamines and cocaine are also thrown into the mix. Long story short: My wife has a complete breakdown, ends up with depression, we fall out horribly with our 'friends' and it goes to shit. I feel absolutely responsible....And I think I am
At this point too I am battling with insomnia (that i've had since I was 17/18 - i'm now 33). I use research chem benzos every so often - they seem like a blessing. At that point I am not addicted.
We decide to go travelling and find a new home - my wife cannot get a new visa in the UK so we try our luck in Ireland, Canada etc. ....But this is where most the recent trouble begins.

Needless to say my in-laws in Canada decide they hate me for no reason (they never knew about any of the drug use, so there was no reason) and we suddenly have to change our life plans as we have nowhere to stay until I get my Canadian Residency permit. We have no choice but to go back to the UK and stay with my parents until we work something out....

I do not take this well, to say the least. After one month I am on the darknet ordering drugs - opiates seemed like a great idea. Dihydrocodeine at first. I loved it. Then Oxy. But it became too expensive........ But not being able to find a job in my small hometown made my depression worse. It came to a point where near Christmas I had a "fuck it" moment. I was plagued by insomnia and knew I was becoming deeply depressed: My wife had found work but I couldn't no matter how many applications, I just couldn't find anything. I gave up.
Probably the darkest part of my life....I was using benzos every night, and started using heroin, maybe 250mg a day at it's peak: Not a lot I know (and I only ever snorted and still do).
Christmas was horrible....I tried quitting the benzos cold turkey and passed it off as flu to my family. My family went away for a few days over xmas and my wife went with them. I was alone at home.
I messaged my wife when she was on holiday with them and admitted to using heroin and having a problem. She obviously flipped out, said I needed to see a doctor for depression and just stop using before I was addicted.

Low point of my life.....Never felt so horrendous. I honestly thought about suicide, but the only thing stopping me at this point was how much I love my wife. I didnt want to be an absolute cunt and leave her alone and hurt everyone even more.
January comes and I still use H maybe once a week and I eventually just stop altogether. But the benzos become a big problem.

It all came to blows in February: I couldn't stop (Clonazolam, Etizolam) and on day 3 on my cold turkey was feeling like I was about to have a seziure. I finally cracked, picked up the phone and spoke to an emergency GP. I just told her everything about the benzos, said I didnt really know what they were and how addictive they were since they were legal at that time online. Luckily she was understanding.
We switched onto diazepam using the ashton method and slowly reduced. Things were better.

May came around and my wife's visa had again expired and this time we could no way renew it. We looked at moving to South East Asia as our freelance travel writing was (and is) taking off well enough to make a living off in lower-income countries.
I carried on my taper throughout - but never managed to really get under 3mg without having mini-relapses.
We decided to come home for this Christmas, and I went to see my GP again - but this time she said she was refering me to a drug treatment kind of centre: I dont know if it was suitable for benzo withdrawal.

I wouldn't find out, as before I could make an appointment I was strucken down with kidney stones 2 weeks after being back - after 1 month of agony and copious amounts opiates I just had my stent removed (with the stone) but things have not been right since: I went through moderate withdrawals from all the opiate pain killers I was on for a month (on day 6 cold turkey now) and although the first two days were horrendous now I find I can't sleep at all.
I have diazepam leftover from Thailand the script the hospital wrote for me but am almost out and to be honest they are doing fucking nothing. I sleep at 2am and wake up at 4.30am and that's it. I did use heroin a few times during my post-op recovery (last time was last week), never more than 1/2 gram a week.
I also bought some xanax because I was in no position to walk to this clinic my GP refered me to to get any more diazepam, so had to settle for xanax a few times.

I dunno what is wrong with me. I don't know if I am an addict and should just go clean from everything and seek help (I know I am a benzo addict...but the rest?) ? I am trying but my insomnia is absolutely killing me. I love the occasional opiates but don't know if I should be dabbling with them at all considering my past history. I can moderate my use of most drugs (yes even heroin) but i don't know if this is really the point or if it's more my attitude towards drugs that qualifies one as "an addict"?

Anyway, thanks for listening whoever is out there reading this. It's 9.30am now so I am going to try and get some sleep...I hope someone out there can at least relate to all this shit and my ranting and offer a glimmer of advice, but if not, thanks anyway for reading and listening. I am really in a bad place right now and can feel myself slipping back into that dark place when my girl found out about my heroin use Christmas 2 years ago....It's a place I am terrified to tread again....

Thanks

F'Loki

 

[NewJerseyChill]

You sound like a very interesting person. although...


"Well fast forward 15 years, I am now 33 years old. Most my drug use days were when I was around 18/19, and I admit I had some trouble controlling my use (amphetamines and MDMA were my drugs of choice, 3.5 grams phet, 2 grams MDMA a weekend respectively at it's peak, but throw in Ketamine, alcohol, coke too on occasion). I never became an addict though"

you are an addict, your a poly drug user. you underwent a complete environmental change to avoid the shit storm that was in plain sight.

"Anyway, fast forward another few years into the marriage: At this point I just drank occasionally and my wife had never touched any drugs. "

"Introduced my wife to mushrooms (we are both pagan so it is for more spiritual use), she loved it. I buy MDMA (pure). We make new 'friends'. We take it every weekend for about 8 months."

"Needless to say my in-laws in Canada decide they hate me for no reason (they never knew about any of the drug use, so there was no reason) and we suddenly have to change our life plans as we have nowhere to stay until I get my Canadian Residency permit. We have no choice but to go back to the UK and stay with my parents until we work something out.... "

they know your a junkie. you look/sound strung out and have no idea u do which is really funny to see in person actually. haha "they hate me for no reason" they hate u cause u turned their daughter that went from 0 drugs to doing pure mdma and shrooms and all that shit. you guys prob smell too.
they know they just dont want to be bothered with that typical addict banter bullshit. they are strong. i can tell. they said we will not enable you, cya later!

alright bro i read the whole story but im going to keep it short.

you need to get clean. you are very delusional, that happens with benzo/stim abusers. your mental state will decay quicker. honestly bro, lay off the shrooms. you think your spiritual but u cant be with all the drugs and bullshit going on in your life right now. if you were, you would have no problem not touching any of these drugs again ...you have been doing these drugs for so fuckin long, you really think their is no price for all that partying?

hooo boy. my roommate was kickin 12 years of benzo's...you Will Be Broken. You will Feel Hell. Lets see if all that tough buddhist training can help you through this one.

actually you should get on youtube of you kicking benzo's that would generate a bunch of views so u can travel the world after defeating your demons.

i remember his words. he said. "I am going to die in this hospital. I am going to die in this hospital." he was beyond convinced, he knew it. i could tell he felt hopeless.
barely slept, always look exhausted, on seizure watch etc etc.

he is alive and survived the program.

Your choices are to go to rehab and start a 90/90 program or ykno what in italy they have community farms for people getting away from drugs. its free, 1 year program. you work on a farm, make friends with other people going through same shit. u like to travel and all that...so maybe thats ur thing.

if you continue your use, you will end up depressed and alone. positive will die down and the negatives will be amplified and get worse.

 

[Cdkman]

First of all u need to stop the drug use..u can't really get to the true problem until u are relatively sober..but here's some rambling that u might be able to call advice.

U need to find that deep peace inside of u that knows u will be okay in any circumstance life throws at u.when u give up trying to control reality, u finally get the control you are looking for.

work on the inside in how your emotions affect u..all emotions are Similar in ppl it's just how u react to them is different..the difference comes down to past life experience.

I think that most addicts problem is they seek to end the emotional turmoil that comes with today's civilization..u can't run from yourself and u need to make the voice inside your head be your friend not your enemy..

 

[F'Loki]

Thanks for the reply.

At the point we were in Canada though meeting her parents we hadn't taken anything for 6 months...I don't think we looked like junkies. or "smelled". Bit unfair to say this but I guess I didnt explain or gave the wrong impression. lol "knew I was a junkie"? Interesting as we had both gotten our shit together at this point and were taking nothing for over 6 months.
But perhaps someone did tell them about me and the past drug use and they judged me on that - I had a feeling someone might have tbh so you might well be right there I think.
As for the shrooms - haven't touched them for 2 years. I don't personally think I am "all spiritual" but that is your judgement. I have my beliefs and I try to follow them but fuck up quite a lot. But that is the path we all follow. Ask the most devout Christian, Atheist, Buddhist, Pagan...lol
Also, her parents are not "nice people" - things came out later they were very abusive to my wife when she was growing up and they both actually have pretty bad alcohol/oxycodone habits, enough that they ignored the problems of their son who got a meth problem and has just got out of jail for armed robbery.....Not exactly a functional family is it?
We offered to pay rent, I offered to help her father after post-op surgery, and offered to clean the house. Nope. Don't care....Guess they had a son coming out fo jail with a meth problem so can't blame them but at least be honest.

Just to clarify: I am not a stim user anymore. The whole meth drama lasted a month and ended in 2009 before it became too much of a problem. The stuff before when I was younger....Yeah, that probably did most the damage, plus the few months me and my wife did pure MDMA undoubtedly bought a lot of that back.

Everything else you say is true and I accept though. And this is about ME anyway, not blaming others....

I accept I am delusional. There isn't really a lot of bullshit going on in my life right now though so not sure what you mean by that...We have a home, I am managing to work (just) luckily because I can do it online from home. The benzo use is due to insomnia but is something I am now sick of after trying to taper over 9 months and never getting below 2 or 3 mg....So close, yet so far! I will definitely make an appointment at the local clinic for counselling for that. And in the meantime avoid everything else. That is the bottom line: I need help because the benzos are the main thing that is dragging me down.

The opiates? Honestly thought I could use occasionally (haha how many times have I heard this?) but obviously not. Sneaky fucking bastard drugs, like benzos...

The community farm thing sounds great btw. But right now I think the clinic, good counselling, support and a taper for the benzos should be the priority...
Me and my wife have a new assignment for 3 months in Albania/Bosnia/Montenegro come May so I really want this dealt with by then.

Thanks for your harsh but honest words. I think i'll be okay. Just mustering up the courage to get help again is the biggest hurdle and i know it's a little easier from there, so thanks for that

 

[F'Loki]

True true. Thanks. The other drugs need to stop and I need help with the tapering benzos in a rehab type setting.

I admit I do react badly to emotions - I find confrontation from people and take things personally - probably stems from childhood. Sensitive as fuck and hot headed, for sure.

That is something I need to come to terms with - it worked for a long time but I think a major break up with an ex-fiance undid most of that (even family and friends pointed this out to me). I think I need to re-learn how to deal with normal and higher stresses of life without becoming self-destructive (a tendency that has run thick in me for all my life), and my reaction to them.

How we react to emotions we do not like is essentially how I define karma: Deal with them negatively = more negativity, depression, anxiety in your life. Let them go and wash over you without reacting in the wrong way and you will be much more at peace.

Anyway thanks both.

 

[Cdkman]

I am still sensitive but I've learned just to speak my mind if I get upset in a calm unassuming way or ignore it if it's not a big deal..if ppl know they hurt u most ppl will try to stop..

it kind of eats at u especially the emotions u don't express to your partner after it ends..it's like unresolved emotions boil to surface from held up passion to anger towards him/her..my first break up was when it went from recreational to self medicating..

ppl search for "something" to end the pain when u can't end the pain..it's the effect of a cause thAt has long past..u just have to live with it until time heals it..the only thing u can do is stop the actions that are the cause Of the undesirable effect so the future can be different and your not stuck in a circle

only u can know what is causing u pain,use introspection with a balanced Mind to figure out exactly how u personally work in your head and become the master of your thoughts and feelings

 

[F'Loki]

That last part for sure resonates with me. "only u can know what is causing u pain,use introspection with a balanced Mind to figure out exactly how u personally work in your head and become the master of your thoughts and feelings"...

Spoke to wife and close family today and they agreed, just go to the clinic in my town. They will help, it's free, you can get your taper schedule back on schedule: Sort the benzos out with a support network not with just a GP dishing them out....They don't work anyway (It's 3.30am I just woke at 2.30 am after going to bed at 11.30pm lol) I used for the first time in a long while mindfulness meditation which is something I agreed going forward I am going to work on strictly, because for the 2 years I was strictly t-total and vegetarian with meditation made me a different person before slipping slowly back into some old habits. My wife has even agreed to join me through my abstinence, such a typically kind action from her...
And of course the ex-fiance you mention....Well, that feels like a life time ago, we actually spoke briefly (she contacted me out of the blue years afterwards, in 2014 I think) and apologised and said she wished me all the best. It was a nice gesture, I wished her all the best too and it felt like the last little part of resentment fell away. I laugh at it all now that I have a beautiful wife of 7 years who shares my love of travel, spirituality and virtually everything. I am actually grateful I went through the horrible break up with my ex all those years ago because it lead me to my wife.... It also taught me that amazing things can come out of the darkest moments.

But what is causing me pain? I honestly do not know and this is what haunts me...Why the insomnia? Was it the hardcore stimulant use 15 years ago in which case is there anything I can do to reverse the damage or am I destined to be on benzos the rest of my life? I really don't want to. The fear of always running out- its typical addict behaviour. Why my anxiety? Something in childhood?
It's ridiculous I have fear and not sleeping that makes me unable to sleep, especially in periods of stress. Yet I know it's stupid: I can work from home, it doesnt matter if I don't wake up for hours, I can usually work later. There is zero pressure yet I am still that anxious.

I think when I go in to the clinic I will ask for CBT - it interests me because it reminds me very much of mindfulness meditation and altering negative responses to negative stimuli. I think that might be key to cracking it and working it all out.

Anyway, thanks a lot for your time.

All the best

F'loki

 

[herbavore]

But what is causing me pain? I honestly do not know and this is what haunts me...Why the insomnia? Was it the hardcore stimulant use 15 years ago in which case is there anything I can do to reverse the damage or am I destined to be on benzos the rest of my life? I really don't want to. The fear of always running out- its typical addict behaviour. Why my anxiety? Something in childhood?
It's ridiculous I have fear and not sleeping that makes me unable to sleep, especially in periods of stress. Yet I know it's stupid: I can work from home, it doesnt matter if I don't wake up for hours, I can usually work later. There is zero pressure yet I am still that anxious.

I think when I go in to the clinic I will ask for CBT - it interests me because it reminds me very much of mindfulness meditation and altering negative responses to negative stimuli. I think that might be key to cracking it and working it all out.

Sometimes, especially for very sensitive and introspective personalities/natures, overthinking can become a problem. It has been one for me. I think you are on a great path by choosing to try to address this through CBT/mindfulness. Nothing has helped me more in terms of breaking my relationship to stress. Once you realize the fallacy that it is life (something external) causing you such stress and see how it is your own mind, you can begin the work of undoing the damaging thought loops that hold you hostage. This is not to say that life is not full of hardship and suffering--but it is our response to circumstances that creates stress--particularly anxiety. Good luck and keep us posted on what you find useful.

 

[badfish45]

Doesn't sound like your relationship with drugs is a positive one. Addict or not, you certainly deserve a better life than this. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, probably is a duck. The hardest thing for drug abusers because the problems that come with drugs are so obvious that we wonder why we do them. It's tricky, I suggest looking into the psychology of addiction/drug abuse, it will help normalize your views. There's nothing wrong with you, I think anyone would fall into the trap you have, and especially since you've gone through clean periods, it may seem strange that you'd fall back into a cycle.

All I know is life is short and it's not worth wasting your time. Sometimes you just have to face yourself for what you really are in a caring non judgmental way, but one that realizes you need change. I recommend therapy essentially to anyone struggling; you can't untie the knot if you are the knot. It's good you have your wife to support you through this. You sound like a very intelligent individual with a lot of self awareness and that will serve you well. I think what herbavore said stands true, you need to have a healthy relationship with your inner thoughts, because that is truly what will hurt you in the end. Never try to deny/fight what you feel inside, but also be aware of how you choose to define your reality.

 

[gleroy]

You sound certainly addicted. And a bit impulsive, perhaps a bit prone to boredom too. It is a though combo with drugs.

My two cents for your pain, I think it is good to talk to a psychologist. Sounds you went through a lot and I have the impression that you don't have an optimal coping strategy.That is not a shame in itself, many people don't know how to cope with difficult emotions and events, especially men. It is something, which has to be learned. It would be good to do something like cognitive therapy. It won't be fun and hard at times, but you will come out stronger.

 

[herbavore]

^ Great first post, gleory. Welcome to Bluelight and TDS!

 

[F'Loki]

Thanks so much for everyone giving me the punch in the face much required.

My wife initially flipped when she found out just how much opiates I have been doing. I am glad she did. It has affected our relationship in ways I have not even seen...This road only has one end if I do not get help now. Lucky now after the initial shock she is very supportive. I am blessed beyond words for having someone like that in life.

Good news:
The clinic are seeing my today at 3.30pm GMT. For an assessment.

I am being completely honest with them about everything. Heroin, Oxy, Dihydrocodeine, Meth, all the benzos,

The future:

- I don't really want to get stuck on methadone if they try to get me on it, but what about subutex? Heard it's much better for tapering and you don't get stuck on it for years. I'd rather just go for abstinence and counselling over methadone from what i've heard about methadone. More drugs just doesn't seem like the solution.
- Do I have to abstain now from EVERYTHING? Is it game over for everything? A glass of wine at a dinner party etc? Or is this personal choice?
- They have a group there run by ex-addicts, along with 1 to 1 counselling, this is definitely something I am going to go to as soon as possible. I need to be around people that are going through or have conquered this shit. Would be nice to meet some potential friends right now as this is a very lonely place right now.

Thanks again. All of you. Is it okay to update you on what is going on? I think it really helps posting here.

F'loki

 

[F'Loki]

Trurer words were never spoken:

Sometimes, especially for very sensitive and introspective personalities/natures, overthinking can become a problem. It has been one for me. I think you are on a great path by choosing to try to address this through CBT/mindfulness. Nothing has helped me more in terms of breaking my relationship to stress. Once you realize the fallacy that it is life (something external) causing you such stress and see how it is your own mind, you can begin the work of undoing the damaging thought loops that hold you hostage. This is not to say that life is not full of hardship and suffering--but it is our response to circumstances that creates stress--particularly anxiety. Good luck and keep us posted on what you find useful.

I've been struggling with the "monkey mind" for years. I could sit down and tell you virtually everything you need to know about Buddhism, Hindusim, Paganism. But when I try to put it into practice? ...haha I suck..Because, god anxiety is such a money to get off your back. Waking up at 3am and just laying focusing on breathe, trying to do loving kindness, then just losing focus, being dragged away, and getting sucked into that negativity. Suddenly its 7am you haven't slept more than 2 hours. And you are overcome by loneliness. It's the worst feeling in the world.....And you just know a line or two or a few pills will sort it out, but you know it'll just start the cycle again. Negative responses to negative emotions...That is what life is and how you are judged at the end of the day by the universe in how happy and at peace you will be. Nothing mystical really about it, it's just the way life works.

Thanks for your very kind words of wisdom as always, appreciated.