Not at all, thanks for sharing. It actually scares me because PTSD and chronic anxiety have been the current bane of my existence and without benzos I tend to withdrawal socially and avoid all unnecessary interactions. Not healthy, but it's what's comfortable. It's not all PTSD from childhood for me anymore, as I have intentionally and unintentionally put myself in a lot of wild situations and interactions with people, to the point I feel I can no longer look at life or people in a "normal" way. For me, it seems like a lot of suppressed aggression and fear, as I see danger where most don't, as I lived a lifestyle many don't. I noticed intense exercise really helps me feel more level.
yesterday things were getting pretty intense, and I was having a lot of dark thoughts, along with a whole list of other WD symptoms, the worst being no appetite/stomach problems, restlessness, and difficultly managing and controlling anxiety. I've decided to slow down my taper, as I was planning to have extras, which seem like a bad idea now. So took enough to make me comfortable and completely out of withdrawal tonight.. so kinda took a few steps backwards, but with everything going on I've been getting a little paranoid and have been falling behind on my work.
Having a bit of hindsight with my last interaction with my dad, we were both drinking and escalating- but one thing that really strikes me is how many old arguments he had brought up, arguments that we have gone over dozens of times. These are the arguments usually about how he was offended or something he was upset about, often how things didn't go how he wanted- in fact almost entirely. Yet he denies any sort of wrong doing, even as far as calling me a liar about childhood physical abuse by him, which often I was the only witness but def not entirely. Even simple disputes can't be settled because of his inability to admit any wrong, or even admit to things that multiple people witnessed him do/say. Any slip of admission is immediately followed by denial or accusations, so it makes having any real progress impossible.
More worrisome, I am more than suspicious he is intentionally lying to try and drive a wedge between me and my mother, who has left him recently. He's not above talking bad about me to my family and friends- I say my family because he doesn't talk to any of his, so my only family is my mothers' side, who he doesn't talk to either with rare exception. I know this because they tell me these things. In light of it all, it seems foolish to forgive, but I no longer want to forgive him so that we can reconcile. I want to forgive him so I can let go of my anger, and accept him for the flawed and sick, deteriorating person he is. I want to forgive him so I can stop hating anything in myself that resembles him, for the mere fact that it means we are similar. I hope to reach a point where I have the mental and emotional wherewithal to be around him, and not fall prey to his toxic games, or if that never becomes viable, then accepting that it's best for us to not talk... Something I'll probably never truly be comfortable with, but at least I'll have confidence in my decision being the healthy one. Truth be told, I struggle to think of many times I actually enjoyed being around him, and I never considered him a friend or someone I could confide in or trust, so I'm not really at much of a loss I guess.
I should probably ask for help, but I feel I owe so much already, and I've never been one to ask for help- usually go until I drop(literally a few times). I'm trying to rehab myself for physical injury, taper/detox, and finish a few side jobs, and then get back into a pretty stressful line of work so I can pay back these fucking bills and not be broke for once again. I'm on edge, and generally handle conflict well, but I damn near threw fist with someone over them being stopped in the street. Some days I even think it'd be easier if I was just locked up again- something only a handful will understand.
I ask for help though, and all I hear is god, jesus, and 12 steps. Short of begging for treatment of anything other than my drug addiction, and it seems like my words fall on deaf ears if I'm not asking for help in those 3 forms. Like my only problem is my self-inflicted drug addiction and atheism, in their eyes... It's at the point where I've decided it's less frustrating to just swallow it for now, focus on improving myself, and trying to dream of a way I can enjoy life again.
I've shed a lot of tears this week, and this month, and have been fighting some of the darker thoughts of easy ways out. I am grateful for the ones that love me despite the mess, and what keeps me is knowing it would hurt more than lift the burden I at times see myself as. Really trying to focus this frustration to motivate me to change my situation and improve.
I remember a quote from Gabor Mate, something to the effect of "be with your pain". And despite a lot of these emotions being painful, uncomfortable, and maddening at times, at least they are real and grounded.