My, my slow descent ...
I've been drinking in the morning and at work more lately, and this scares the shit out of me, as the consequences if I were caught could get really bad. When I do, bring a few "airplane bottles" (or nips, 50mL) of vodka, and nurse one, with iced tea, soda, etc. every 2 hours or so. This is enough to provide a more or less steady state BAC during waking hours so as to stave off hangover, anxiety, and tremors. I try and fool myself into believing nobody can tell or smell it but that's probably bullshit. I think I'm getting closer to the point where I need some sort of intervention, whether that's finding the willpower to a do an honest taper or heading into inpatient detox, which is complicated by the fact that I'm also prescribed benzodiazepines. Bad news. And I should know damn better as I work in the field. But that and all the intellectual knowledge in the world or even my experience with my alcoholic friends and family, doesn't really matter when confronting the dog inside the man.
I truly wonder often if I was better off on opiates and a whole other pharmacopoeia of illicit drugs. I held things together a bit better to be perfectly honest.
I might even try to hit an AA meeting and I'm adamantly opposed to their whole paradigm. I feel as if I'm headed to a dark place with alcohol, even if some other parts of my life are OK. At work and such I am the picture of a functioning alcoholic, but at home I'm wasted all the time, my apartment is a wreck and I can barely get out of bed except to go to work or to drink, I waste most of my time fucking about on the Internet, watching movies, etc. and pretty much the only thing I have going for me is my work, which I really enjoy, and I just cannot allow that to get fucked up by booze. I'm going to try to exercise willpower going forward, but we all know that addiction, if it is a disease at all, I don't really think it is, it's a disease, or a derangement, of the will, or of one's priorities, the derangement of having the audacity to put booze before health and human obligations and relationships. Just wanted to share. My prayers and thoughts are with all of you and I'd ask you for your own for me,