Because of Americas favorite drug, Alcohol..... I, a 20 year old male, vomit fairly large quantities of blood on a regular basis. I drink around a half gallon of vodka a day every day, or I will drink everclear 180 proof vodka straight so i wont have to consume as much. I didnt realize how physically and psychologically addictive alcohol was until i woke up one morning with none, experienced sharp and almost painful auditory hallucinations and violently uncontrollable shakes, i couldnt even walk to the bathroom to vomit because of it. I was sweating profusely and my chest felt like it was a bomb about to blow. I had to call the ambulance for myself and have many times since. It was one of the most dysphoric experiences in my entire life, one of the few times i contemplated putting a gun to my face. Ever since that morning 1 year ago, i CANNOT go a day without drinking and i will go to any length to get any booze, ive taken a shot of rubbing alcohol once out of desperation, literally fermented my own ethyl alcohol in my closet from yeast and sugar in case i might run out of store bought, attempted extracting and drinking alcohol in hand sanitizers, mouthwash's, etc. You name it if it had alcohol ive drank it at least once to combat the withdrawl. I feel like a hardcore heroin addict and the sad thing is people in my community literally dont even know or acknowledge that alcohol is a drug at all and many of them still demonize cannabis. Because of my situation i am getting Vivitrol, its a shot you get in your ass that contains the drug Naltrexone which makes it so you cant get drunk (it also is used for opiate addiction), it has an extended release of about a month then you have to get another shot each time it wears off. They are highly expensive shots, im going to have to drive 3 hours to get it each month, and on top of it all the doctor wont prescribe me a klonopin taper even though ive been told by many qualified professionals that im at a high risk for seizures. Ive been kicked out of multiple colleges including Berklee College of Music due to my alcohol induced dysfunction. This morning i woke up sweating, forced myself to take shots until i didnt immediately throw one up, then id repeat that process until i had downed 10. I couldnt eat until 7pm because id throw up what i ate including some blood to go along with it. I eat 2 entire pizzas throughout the night and then drink myself to sleep and repeat the process. I used to smoke weed, do psychedelics, enjoy life. Now i cant do ANY of it without extreme panic attacks. alcohol has enslaved me, made me feel like an old man, ruined all my future prospects, and every day all i can see is advertisements for it, all my family drinks it and does just fine, all my friends drink it and have a good time, and I cant. I try quitting on my own now and again, i taper myself off, do good for a month... then like a fucking parasite in my head my body, in some fugue state just retrieves liquor and I watch powerlessly like im in auto pilot. I literally say out loud, as im grabbing the alcohol, "why are you doing this?, stop !!! " but I cant, its like lifting a thousand ton weight, trying to stop that train once it starts, so to speak. I could go on forever, but i wont. Im not trying to write this to ask for consolation or validation, im not trying to one-up anyone with "look how addicted I am" im just giving my personal account of my alcoholism since i was 17. Alcohol in my opinion, is one of the hardest, most addictive drugs in the world, and it absolutely baffles me why its sold wholesale in our grocery stores but people still receive life sentences for selling a harmless, non addictive plant. Anyways, rant over.