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Afraid to go on a date with him

C

Carm16

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 10, 2017
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2
So I'm 31, been separated from my ex partner just short of 2 years. Since then, I have gained quite a bit of weight and a friend of mine has now tried to set me up with a mate of his, who I've been txting for a couple of months and met very briefly at an office event. I'm supposed to be meeting this guy soon for a date but I'm so afraid of rejection, I've been on a few dates since my breakup with my husband and have had rejection from each of them. My confidence in how I look is already in the gutter and I'm afraid that meeting this tip me over the edge. My friends say I'm beautiful, smart blah blah but just need to find my confidence again.

i know the guy I'm meeting is a really nice guy and fear that he is either meeting up with me to keep his friend happy or just afraid of hurting my feelings. Guys, am I being paranoid??? Do guys really judge a girl on how much she weighs? Im not branded obese or anything but do need to lose weight.......
 
Nobody judges overwight women harder than themselves. Also, some prefer more rather than less.

Honey, you're going to be ok. You're going to be happy again. It's the hurt ego from a broken relationship, and a body wanting to mate again, Post break-up panic (pbp). We all get it sometimes.

It's going to be ok. :)
 
If you guys are already talking and he's met you worse then I think you may be worried over nothing.

I understand the worry, as I'm in a similar situation minus having a date. Self esteem and self confidence are dependant on how you feel about yourself. I find it helps to remind myself of the reasons I think I am a good catch like: intelligence, sense of humor, openmindedness, honesty, and other things that aren't as superficial as looks. I've never thought I was pretty or all that and when I became overweight my self-esteem plummeted. It's corny but positive affirmations made in front of a mirror have helped me.

If you guys hadn't met or weren't already talking then maybe I could understand thinking he's doing it to please someone. Only you know the tone of the conversations that you have, but I say go for it. If you enjoy talking to him then having a dinner date shouldn't be a big deal.

At 31 myself, I've found that guys don't mind a little extra cushion. I know it's hard, but don't let this or anything else break you. Think of it as him missing out if he decides not to pursue anything more. You might even find he wants more but you don't.
 
depends.

there is a difference between curvy and unhealthy

if you are piling on the weight after a breakup i'm going to guess sugar is a big culprit. it makes people rapidly fatter. you can only emulsify and digest so much fat with bile. sugar can be absorbed much more easily with no limit. then it becomes fat as your body freaks out about the high blood sugar level and pumps out tons of insulin

how about instead of worrying you go out and do some excercise. not to impress men but to extend your lifespan and prevent the development of type 2 diabetes which destroys your kidneys (8o) and general vasculature and causes your fingers and toes to fall off with necrosis at the extreme end. its caused by your consumption of sugar and inactivity much the same as cirrhosis is liver failure caused by alcohol consumption. people are causing these things to themselves and the trend can be stopped and reversed but you need to act now. not when you are 60 and have poor mobility

as for men, some like women chubby, some skinny- its very individual, but a confident person is way more sexy no matter what gender and getting yourself in shape by finding an excercise you enjoy will improve your mood (excercise makes me happy and gets rid of anxiety). when your mood is better you will feel happier and with that have less anxiety and gain confidence.

after a break up of course your mood will dip badly but thats no excuse to let yourself go. any new change for the worse is still only new. start looking after yourself for you. not for anyone else. but because you deserve to be healthy and happy.

on a side note- when i go swimming i often hate my aging body in the mirror before i go in. after i come out i cant get enough of the mirror. nothing has changed except my brain chemistry. yet i am having two completely different perceptions of how attractive i am. its all in my head. but that doesn't stop it having an impact on my quality of life
 
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The word worse should be before..... I can't edit on mobile without deleting the whole post.

If you're not obese and only a few pounds over weight then yes you're being a bit paranoid. It's more important to focus on being healthy than achieving a certain number on the scale.

Would you mind going into a little detail on the failed dates? Did they explicitly state it was the weight? If your emotional state is so fragile that a date could break you then perhaps you need to take some time and work on building self esteem by yourself. Basing your self-esteem on how others feel about superficial aspects of yourself is setting yourself up for failure. Good self-esteem and self worth are essential to a healthy relationship.
 
You may be his fetish. Some men have a fetish for larger women. I don't personally know anyone who is into that but it's arguable that men who like women like that exist
 
Just be yourself.
If he's the right guy then another date will be planned.
If It doesn't work out well plenty more Fish in until sea.
 
Dear Carm,
It makes me sad to hear you so down on yourself.
I once met a young woman with a port wine stain on her face. One's as dark as hers are very difficult to treat. She was the coolest, funniest sweetest person and she had a super-hot boyfriend!
I agree with everyone else here. It's uncomfortable to talk to someone who is self-conscious. And I think the fact that he's spoken to you and met you and wants to meet up is great! Go for it!
It's so cheesy but true: the prettiest thing you can wear is a smile.
 
I don't fear rejection. It happens. There is always someone else and probably better.

I do find insecurity past a bit a shyness a turnoff.

Just chillout and go on the date. If he likes you cool, if he doesn't oh well, at least you gave it a go.

You won't really find yourself dating unless you have the balls/ovaries to actually go on a date and learn to approach people and start conversations and such. You gotta be able to carry a conversation.

I find personality is what defines whether it is just sex or someone I want to spend time with.

Of course just like everyone else I have what is acceptable to me on a physical level and there is a weight limit on this ride but I have a range and I am realistic about it because I am not going to carry on with someone I am not attracted to and just toy with their emotions.

I don't care if a chick is a lil overweight even though I tend to date skinny chicks, I have a range that works for me.

I suppose it comes down to the whole package.
 
Rejection does leave a scar. It's best to feel confident about yourself. I recommend putting yourself back out there. Also, what exactly are you looking for? Something serious or casual? It's smart to know what you want. I was rejected by someone I started feeling head over heels for, but I put myself back out there recently and I accept a friends with benefits situation. I wasn't rejected. We go out to places and have sex. Fun time. I don't want anything serious.

You have to just try. In the meantime, start working out to drop some weight because it will give you more confidence and unfortunately, men do judge based on size...depending on what kind of man you're going for. So I've been working out too while dating and it's paying off. I'm not stick thin, but the curves are in the right places.

The guy I'm seeing now LOVES my ass. It makes it much more fun in bed with all the spanking, hip-grabbing etc. So go have fun and start working out for your own self-esteem. Good luck!
 
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Another observation is that men tend to go for someone on their physical level. If a guy is an exercise freak, he is probably looking for someone in good shape like he is. It makes sense, really. If I work out hard, I don't want a REALLY overweight guy. So just making a point that if you are into really fit guys, it would benefit to work out if you want someone on that level.

I'm not trying to make generalizations because maybe there are super fit guys who are into bigger women, but I notice those types weren't into me when I was much heavier.
 
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