Advice please , drugs and my better half ….

[Crackle pop]

Hi guys been a little while since I’ve started a thread , firstly I hope you all are having a great start to your weekend!

So as some know briefly I used to be a competitive bodybuilder from age 19 to 35 in that time i had 8 heart attacks and a double heart bypass last feb which has failed leaving me with two blocked arteries and a heart that’s damaged from the steroid abuse mixed with sniffing coke maybe 2 times a month
Have had a spinal fusion so my lower spine is titanium after 3 bodged spinal surgery’s n few other bits n bobs

Anyway after the bypass failed I told I could die at any point if I don’t get back on all my meds n stop steroids n coke.
Well stupidly I relapsed on crack smoking it (I had been clean 17 years previously)
It got to the point it took over I lost everything family my girl my home n ended up on the city streets for 2 months had another bad heart attack and luckily cut short I got a nice bungalow in a nice area got my family n daughter back and a new relationship I’ve known her over 20 years but we’ve only been together since April this year.

I told her about my use at that point I’d binge n spend my wages on it have a four day binge then dry out for around ten days total abstinence just smoking weed , we get closer n i now have been only smoking it on a weekend either sat or the Sunday bcoz she is at work .
So I now use one day a week which is great when I was full on addicted I can now just use on a weekend but with my heart it’s still too much and my girl even tho she doesn’t take drugs she catches me out every time.

She will see a message from a dealer n no I’m goin to score an act thick so I tell a lie , she then gets face on n i half hour tells me she knew who text n what I was going to do etc , am I wrong in saying to her well why not be upfront about the message or whatever it may be n say so then I don’t need to tell a fib to cover my back which causes more shit!!
It’s almost like entrapment bcoz had she said x has messaged you about crack , then obviously that would be that , but by acting thick like she does isn’t helpin at all , the day I do use I’ll tell her 9’times out of ten , hid it this morning but she’d saw the dealers text knew exactly where I was goin but let me tell fib after fib digging deeper hole for myself
I just dunno what to do anymore any advice appreciated so much guys, just for the record I hate lies n telling them so much and il usually always tell her but by her playing thick tryin to catch me out . I don’t know just don’t seem fair!
Neither is lying about using fair . But from living for crack to 1 day a week use isn’t too bad I’ve just gotta stop this one day a week thing now n be strong.
Thanks for reading n any advice guys

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

You're doing well mate, much better than you were a while ago anyway for sure

You don't need advice though 'cos you know full well what the answer is here.

You gotta be full honest with your lady if this is gonna work. Not 9/10 times cos that's the slippery slope you know so well - 10/10 times.

Her 'playing thick' might irk you somewhat, but she's living with an addict mate. If you go for full transparancy there'll be no reason for her to do so. You hiding things is causing her behaviour, and the answer is to stop doing that

If you don't, well, then you'll lose her - nothing's more certain

 

[Crackle pop]

You're doing well mate, much better than you were a while ago anyway for sure

You don't need advice though 'cos you know full well what the answer is here.

You gotta be full honest with your lady if this is gonna work. Not 9/10 times cos that's the slippery slope you know so well - 10/10 times.

Her 'playing thick' might irk you somewhat, but she's living with an addict mate. If you go for full transparancy there'll be no reason for her to do so. You hiding things is causing her behaviour, and the answer is to stop doing that

If you don't, well, then you'll lose her - nothing's more certain

Thanks for the reply @ageingpartyfiend , wow yeah that’s what I needed to hear from someone who’s not involved.
Thing is she’s a great girl I’ve known all her life (she’s ten years younger ,she 28 I’m 37)
She don’t do drugs well not illegal ones she smokes cigarettes and drinks once or twice a week!
She’s fair and kind and try’s to understand why I do what I do rather than flying off the handle. She is genuine and wants the best for us both nothing less.
So she caught me this morning bcoz I couldn’t wait for her to go to work , or one better I should of been stronger . I fight and win the cravings 9’times out of ten but that one weak moment and your using even though I hate it and the lies etc that go hand in hand!
Yeah you’re right mate total honesty is the only way forward no secrets no lies!
I just wish she’d realise coming off is easy part it’s staying off that’s the battle and I did it stayed clean 17 years so I need to get back on that track!!

Thanks mate yeah doing great from where I was in the homeless shelter last year with a bag of clothes to my name. Now I’ve built everything back up lovely home n possessions and so I won’t allow myself To get back in a mess with the shit
Honesty and transparency is the way forward thank you for that mate , and I hope you are well and winning at the moment mate?!

 

[Crackle pop]

If It wasn’t for the odd blip which I hate myself afterwards n feel guilt , shame , failure and dirty our relationship would be near perfect, day to day we are always together, finish each other’s sentences, same taste in music , fashion films food every thing. We make a great team n get things done together us against the world, and as we’ve known each other so so long we are so close it’s only the nasty crack that causes arguments etc!
What do i want more in life , that’s easy I’d take my girl over any drug any day!!
So why do I slip up n use when I’m no longer addicted but the thing is still an issue. I hate the shit n all the bad things with it but that feeling off awe n nothing matters no matter how big as ya blast off to space is hard to beat and have total abstinence for good!

 

[Jabberwocky]

be honest with your lady.

be careful with smoking once a week. if you start overly obsessing about that one time, that's not good. and obviously, any using at all puts you at risk of more using, if anything goes wrong or whatever, you still have all your dealers numbers and stuff.

drugs are insidious. and they'll find a way to make you use, as you're finding. also, its opportunity. if you live with her and do it when she's out cos you don't wanna around her, then your brain has made that association.

 

[Crackle pop]

Nail on the head mate I Dnt make a day to use or anything it just seems to happen like that! She more or less lives with me yes n I’m sick of having to lie an sneak about when I do use! It’s all out in the open today she has gone back to her house tonight for work . But now it’s in the open it’s going to be a lot easier to approach and talk about I’ve told her I’m goin to my drug worker Monday and ask for help to fully stop for good, exactly having dealers numbers isn’t a good thing as if something goes wrong or pisses u off it’s too easy to make excuses to use!!
Thank you @chinup sound advice that mate
I hope your well an winning my friend

 

[RC-Lover123]

Man, you had heart attacks and bypass surgery and yet you are still doing steroids? And cocaine? You are suicidal. Fuck muscles, you need to get off that stuff and do moderate cardio to save the one life that you have. I used to do steroids (500mg testosterone enanthate every 5 days) for roughly two years and I know that it can be somewhat addictive but not highly addictive like cocaine or opiates. You can stop them and go on testosterone replacement therapy as your balls are fried for good now. Do that yourself, just switch to test enanthate at 250mg every 10-14 days or so. You may even keep some of your muscles that way without harming yourself further.

You can do it. Stop the roids, switch to edibles for THC (which should be fine if it helps you) and do moderate cardio and moderate lifting. Save your life, you can probably live for many years if you heal yourself.

 

[RC-Lover123]

Sorry, I think I missed that, you are not using steroids any more, right? But surely cocaine is totally the wrong drug for someone with a damaged heart.

 

[Crackle pop]

Man, you had heart attacks and bypass surgery and yet you are still doing steroids? And cocaine? You are suicidal. Fuck muscles, you need to get off that stuff and do moderate cardio to save the one life that you have. I used to do steroids (500mg testosterone enanthate every 5 days) for roughly two years and I know that it can be somewhat addictive but not highly addictive like cocaine or opiates. You can stop them and go on testosterone replacement therapy as your balls are fried for good now. Do that yourself, just switch to test enanthate at 250mg every 10-14 days or so. You may even keep some of your muscles that way without harming yourself further.

You can do it. Stop the roids, switch to edibles for THC (which should be fine if it helps you) and do moderate cardio and moderate lifting. Save your life, you can probably live for many years if you heal yourself.

Hey mate thanks for your reply
Yeah I was bad bad abusing steroids from 21 to mid 30s I’d eat sleep n dream bodybuilding it was the one thing that kept me away from IV heroin and smoked crack use which I was introduced to at 14 within weeks I was hooked and went from smoking to IV use in under a fortnight of starting to use ( I was young nieve to what “brown” was sounds like hash n draw that I was smoking at the time only this day I couldn’t get any when my best mates older brother got us this “brown” instead!! If I knew then what I know now. The idiot scored and did all the running the lines for us on foil n taught us and no soon as we got the hang of that he was encouraging and showing us how to cook up so we could pin it as he said and get the full effect and waste none!
At 19 had enough of the cycle prison release score n straight back to it like you hadn’t ever stopped so I came off started smoking weed got a gf had a daughter etc stayed clean n found the gym and this kept me clean 17 years until I had to quit bcoz the abuse of steroids fukt my heart up I lost all my size went into a deep depression tried suicide a few times hated my self my body n had no natural testosterone it never came back eventually worn n beat down I stupidly thought I valued have one rock n feel good and leave it alone again. Boy I was wrong the rest is history.
So I’ve not used again since were back on track and things look good . As we all know coming off the drugs is the easy part it’s the staying clean finding that something to occupy your mind and time otherwise we can easily fall off the waggon. We just have to keep Dustin ourselves down and climb back on to that waggon.
Again thanks bud for your reply

 

[Electrum1]

Hoping @Crackle pop is doing better and that's why he hasn't posted for a while