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Advice for revving sexlife

A

Aporia

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2011
Messages
163
So my partner and I have been together about 7+ years and our sex life is horrible. He's always horney and I'd rather rub one off in the shower instead of playing with him. It's not that I don't love him it's just there's so much going on and honestly he's just been lacking what I need for a while now. We have one kid and one on the way but he hasn't had a job in many years, he doesn't take me out on dates, I'll walk into the room to him masturbating constantly or I'll wake up to him trying to rub me between the legs. Now I get that once upon a time that may have been hot but no I'm just tired of it. I am getting the feeling that either he's way over sexed or I'm just way under sexed.
I've tried to tell him that I just don't find him sexy right now because he's not bringing anything into the relationship. He's not helping financially, he's not helping much domestically, he's not making me feel special, he's not doing anything to better himself. He doesn't shave often (and he's not growing his beard out) and only showers once a week, if I don't do his laundry he won't do it and he'll wear the same clothes for days at a time. Often times I find myself wondering why it is that I love him in the first place. When I tell him I'm just not interested sexually because I've been so stressed out over providing the bare essentials for our family he responds with "well most other people would just fuck their stress away". He just doesn't get it and when I try to tell him he gets hurt. I look at him and see someone holed up inside themselves. He'd happily go out and drink with his buddies when we fight which angers me because it makes me feel like he really doesn't care how I feel about our situation and he'd rather drink his problems away. I do love him, I just really want to see him thrive and do well for himself and for our family. He did get a job recently that he lost due to a failed UA for cannabis but when he was working those few weeks and we spent time apart and he was doing something for his family I did find him more attractive. Alas, that didn't last long and now he's back to the bump on the log searching craigslist for jobs on his phone all day (that he never actually goes out to apply for, just looks on craigslist all day). To me it's unattractive but he thinks it's a problem with my libido. How do I talk with him to make him realize my point of view with out hurting his feelings?
 
No wonder you don't feel like sex. You're got a hell of a lot of issues to sort out before you're going to feel even remotely attracted to him, physically or mentally.
 
He's just gotten lazy. When we first got together we did tons of things together and he was working. It was with the coming of our first child that I think he got overwhelmed and things just spiraled down. I know he's got it in him, but he's got to motivate himself and do this himself. I can't motivate him or change things for him but I know if he got a job and worked regular shifts things would be different. I just feel bad because when I turn him down for sex so often he gets so discouraged and sad. it's like he needs the constant sexual stimulation.
 
Could he be depressed? I'm sure this is nothing that can't be resolved with a bit of communication and co-operation. Couples counselling might help.
 
It is possible that he could be depressed and i know first hand that low t. In men can cause like symptoms.im not saying that his is low but it is possible in any age group.mine was low and i still had a high sex drive,but i gained weigh,lost intrest in most thins had low energy and so on.but be careful not to offend him,for some men subjects such as this can be offensive but usualy just because of lack of knowlage on the subject.i have been having problems myself and im pretty sur that i am the problem.my wife an i have lack of sex and after taking a look at the big picture maybe i need to treat our relationship like we are dating.in other words go out of your way to inpress eachother.i will let u know how this goes for me
 
Aporia said:
He's always horney and I'd rather rub one off in the shower instead of playing with him.
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this says a lot

he's not providing enough for you financially and you are starting to withhold sex.

I guess the accepted thing to do is dump him, move out and take him to court for child support on the 2 kids.

Good luck.
 
it sounds like he's depressed, and that the depression in him is sucking the life out of you and the relationship. It sounds like this has been going on for awhile, unattended by either one of you. Now, do you abandon your partner in his time of need, or do you help him get the help he needs to get him (and the both of you) back on track? Think of depression like quick sand: I'd urge him to seek help, or your relationship is going to suffer or fail completely.
 
after seven years and a child and you can't talk DIRECTLY to the other person about an issue this simple then divorce or accept fate and a life together how ever it turns out...

::This message was brought to you by Real Talk 2.0 - available at stores and online message boards near you::
 
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@Corazon: Just leave him because our sexlife is not up to par? Because he's going through a slump? I still have hope and after having his two kids and stating that I do love him I'm not just going to give up.

@nooneanymore: I have tried talking with him. I thought I made that clear in my OP. Maybe not. I just don't think we're not effectively (sp?) communicating. I'm talking to him, but he's not hearing what I'm saying. Not understanding my point of view. I came here to ask other's opinions on other ways I might be able to approach the subject.

@Atara: I read the article. While he does watch porn, I don't know if that's quite the problem. He always wants to have sex with me. He'd rather not masturbate, but if I'm not up for it (and I rarely am these days) he's gonna rub one off, or two or three throughout the day. He is very attracted to me (or so he says) but at this point I'm just not attracted to him, because of his lack of ability to fend for himself or family. What I'm worried about is maybe I'm the shallow one because I feel that competence, self-reliance, and the ability to take care of one's family is sexy. I don't find sexiness all in someone's looks, but in their personality and their capabilities. What
 
He sounds just about entirely dependant on you.

If he was just lazy, or just unromantic, or if it were only that he was unemployed; I'd probably think you were being a bit of a bitch.

But from what you describe your basically his mum, that can hardly rouse feelings of wanton desire in you.

In short, its sounds like the guys needs to get a job, or you need to break up with him.
 
But from what you describe your basically his mum, that can hardly rouse feelings of wanton desire in you.
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This. Whatever the origins and history of your relationship, however good the sex used to be or whatever, this guy is (or should be) living on borrowed time with you. He's obviously extremely lazy and you, without intending to, have somehow encouraged this behaviour.

He's not helping financially, he's not helping much domestically, he's not making me feel special, he's not doing anything to better himself. He doesn't shave often (and he's not growing his beard out) and only showers once a week, if I don't do his laundry he won't do it and he'll wear the same clothes for days at a time. Often times I find myself wondering why it is that I love him in the first place. When I tell him I'm just not interested sexually because I've been so stressed out over providing the bare essentials for our family he responds with "well most other people would just fuck their stress away"
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You're not undersexed, he's a slob. Only showers once a week - are you serious? I've lived in my car and been able to wash twice a day...

Do you have many friends you can go to?

Also, are you sure he's on craigslist for jobs - don't mean to be presumptuous, but that site to me screams one thing...

To me it's unattractive but he thinks it's a problem with my libido. How do I talk with him to make him realize my point of view with out hurting his feelings?
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I don't think you should worry about hurting his feelings. This is your life, and one way or another, he's seriously hindering you living it the way you want to.
 
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