Adultery? Or am I Justified?

[Asparagus_Prince]

You can’t force a feeling. You either do, or you don’t.

I think this might be arguable. Not saying I disagree necessarily. I'll put it this way: I know how I would debate this if I was forced to. Not sure if I agree yet.

But.... it's probably somewhat off-topic from this thread. But I have learned that you can force yourself to be a certain way. If you're motivated and committed. But it depends on what it is. We struggle to flip a switch if we have anger problems, jealousy problems, self-esteem problems, etc. Those things take time. But there are certain things that I've learned you can flip a switch and change. I know from my personal life. I'm not sure how to categorize these things that CAN quickly change vs the aforementioned things that are harder. I'm getting tangential so this might be an idea for another thread.

I'm sure you've heard the concept of "love is a choice". Many people reject that when they first hear about it because we think of "falling in love" as some involuntary thing. I'm wondering if there is a way to "force" myself to love my wife romantically. What if I just did it no matter how much I don't feel it at first? Could it become a good habit after a while? It doesn't seem possible to me if you lack the desire in the first place. But, I've been thinking of everything.

I think people have given you a lot of good advice in this thread; now it is up to you what you want to do. Even if you were just venting here, not intending to take any action, that’s valid too.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting to find magic answers. Thinking things through and coming up with ideas is a strength of mine. But with this situation? I got nothing. Sometimes there are certain things that are better for online forums.

But yes, the advice and support has been nice.

Here's the interesting thing: People that don't know me or my situation well are very supportive. That includes this forum and people that I semi-know in my actual life. Someone recently referred to my wife as my "ex" and I felt validated! And that's because I do feel the divorce happened 5 years ago. (I thought maybe it was you or someone in this thread but I skimmed through and couldn't find it).

BUT... people I am closer to are not as supportive. So... I don't know what to think of that. Normally you would think people you are close to would have better advice. Then again, this is a shocker to people I know well. Everyone assumes we are happy because I guess we put on a good show during gatherings. You and everyone else that's read this thread know WAY more than my parents and every single other family member.

You seem like an honorable person who truly wants to do the right thing.

Thank you.

 

[Sweet Jane78]

@Asparagus_Prince
You’re in a tough situation. You said you don’t want to hurt her, so cheating on her doesn’t seem like a good idea. I don’t think it’s fair to her. You would probably also feel really guilty and stressed out about keeping it a secret and that would make things worse.
The whole “love is a choice” concept means to me that you take action in the relationship to show the person you love them. Loving someone is not enough to make a relationship work. It takes both people in the relationship to make an effort.
It seems like neither you or your wife are even trying anymore.
I understand your resentment about initiating sex. I’ve had that issue before. Both people want to feel wanted, so coming up with a plan could be helpful.
You said you already feel divorced. So if neither of you are happy, then why not just do it for real? That way you’d at least be able to open yourself up to finding fulfillment with someone else without the guilt.
If you guys sit down and have a conversation about where you are both at/how you’re feeling about things then it will bring clarity to the situation and you can decide from there what you want to do. There are tons of relationship coaches and programs online and books about how to bring life back into relationships.
All the best

 

[specialrelativity]

Original poster, have you considered a "hooker"?
Mark

 

[foodcrisis]

i didn't really read all of the replies, but to the OP do you put an effort into being nice to your wife or going out of your way to do nice things for her?... maybe you don't pay attention enough to her as well and it's partially your fault.

you are getting old too, i heard that women loose their sex drives after they have kids. lol. maybe you can feel a special connection from the result of your children or something. my parents do that despite they are splitting up cause they can't stand each other, but sometimes it seems like they love each other because of what they had bringing life to this planet.

 

[greenlight204]

lifes too short. go get your sex. dont let this woman steal your vigor forever

 

[Jabberwocky]

But I'm not miserable. That's the problem... lol. All other aspects of my life are great.

Remember I already feel divorced. And obviously divorced people can be happy.

Whatever you decide, don't leave your home unless your divorce lawyer recommends it.

I was in the same situation as you, after forgiving adultery. Was even told to go fuck other women after 4 years of no sex. When I did, she lost her mind.

I should have filed for divorce when she started acting funny a year after w reconciled after her adultery.

I love her because she is the mother of my children, but I despise her for the years she stole from me and my children.

If you can bring back the spark, great. Otherwise, either agree to an open marriage until the kids are grown, or file for divorce.

I am 100 times happier than when I was in that affectionless sexless hell of a marriage.