125BPM
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2017
- Messages
- 14
Hello bluelighters, this is my first post. I've been skimming this forum for a good year and thought it was odd that I hadn't participated in the discussion yet, as I am always seeking to be more knowledgable of what recreational substances I ingest, because for the most part, I think acknowledging it's harm can prevent one from going overboard and crossing that thin line that separates the 'functional' from the 'destructive'.
So I wanted to get some insight from others, because I keep my meth use very secretive from just about everybody, and furthermore would be completely devastated if I had learned that any of my loved ones started doing it. I somehow manage to keep myself composed, but feel my world around me crumbling and deteriorating to a paper-thin dimension of pessimism. I contracted HIV thru giving a steroid injection to a guy I was dating when I scraped the top of my index finger. He suffered from a severe & untreated Bipolar depression that would be potentiated by recreational cocaine use and steroids. The day after I had learned of my status, he committed suicide. Those were the darkest, most painful days of my life.
Flash forward to a year or so, I met a guy from Miami in SD when I was on vaca.. we hit it off with intense feelings of authentic connection; as if we knew each other in previous lives. I learned quickly he did Chrissy, small bumps to stay awake, I was taken aback, in shock, thought 'oh, that's a bit intense'. We ended up shagging, and I tried it; wasn't a profound experience.. nothing could ever top my first time hitting Mary Jane as a teenager, or my first "roll", but it was, well, Highlander-ish, I guess. It's not even a high, more of a rush, like slamming back a shot of Fireball. When he visited the west coast I would do it with him but found that it's intense effects made me feel very pensive after a while, so I never learned to love it.
This guy was living in Miami, I was living in Cali. After a year or so of staying connected, I moved to be with him. I'm in the nightlife doing music, I don't have a 9-5, nor do I have the desire, but I know that a part of me would want to engage in my community had I been somewhere besides this vacuous city; or am I shutting myself out of a world that's discoverable if I make an effort?... about 3 days in moving here, the thrill of moving to a new location made its reverberated fade into silence and I would then sink into a very deep depression; and this mood overlapped the Orlando Massacre, making my whole entire world feel so STRANGE. Since then, I've progressed step-by-step with my musical endeavors, but the Crystal use increased. It snuck up on me... and I am not sure if I am naturally incapable of 'vibing' in a city like Miami; a city where road rage is seamless behavior that everyone joins in on, every person is an anomalous, inebriated version of them self, the air stings with the feeling of naivete & doubt coated with glitz; skin deep and sad; victorian homes bulldozed for the next condominium. It's hard to think coherently because it's so hot, or you're so spun or both. The beautiful men/women (whichever the wind sets your sail to) are horny, looking for casual sex, and that's the one thing that will keep you glued if there was any reason to be here at all.
Before I start rambling, I was doing 'dashes', can't do a rail in one sitting, and eventually went to the ghastly pipe, which according to the man that introduced me to this stuff, "changes you. you become different".. and while that might be true he pretty much invalidates the power of the drug itself.
As far as I'm concerned, my teeth are in perfectly fine shape, I've progressed in my music career faster than I had anticipated, but I still feel 'empty' and 'untrusting' of the people around me... However, I have been under depression's hypnosis since I was a kid. SO my worst 'crashes' don't even match up to my lows as a child and the loss I experienced 2 years ago. I wanna quit, because I think it's killing me, or it magnifies my innate depressive symptoms. My crashes aren't unbearable, I just become brattish.. like upset that I don't have it, and that whatever is preventing me from getting it faster is a nuisance to me,,, but I could never imagine the very thought of being violent towards people I love or people in general... I am still as empathetic and caring as I was when it wasn't on my daily lunch menu. I moved out but not too far from my guys place, thinking that our lifestyles were making us be around each other too much, and I look at him with so much sadness knowing how much he loves me and how I can't be the person to reciprocate that unconditional love////I want to feel 'happy' again but I have always have this feeling of severe uncertainty (anxiety they call it) and the drug is neither here nor there but kind of preventing me from taking a risk to evolve a little more.
Does anyone have similar stories to share? I feel less addicted but more morally conflicted. Many people I know that smoke are emotionally sensitive people like me, and have experienced some sort of adverse event in their lives that was never the causation of their use in the first place. I've always hated alcohol, hated pot after age 18, felt sick the 2 times I tried opiates, but I do like my nicotine and get the 'frenzy' feeling where you can't find your keys/wallet when I need a hit. Thank you all for reading!
So I wanted to get some insight from others, because I keep my meth use very secretive from just about everybody, and furthermore would be completely devastated if I had learned that any of my loved ones started doing it. I somehow manage to keep myself composed, but feel my world around me crumbling and deteriorating to a paper-thin dimension of pessimism. I contracted HIV thru giving a steroid injection to a guy I was dating when I scraped the top of my index finger. He suffered from a severe & untreated Bipolar depression that would be potentiated by recreational cocaine use and steroids. The day after I had learned of my status, he committed suicide. Those were the darkest, most painful days of my life.
Flash forward to a year or so, I met a guy from Miami in SD when I was on vaca.. we hit it off with intense feelings of authentic connection; as if we knew each other in previous lives. I learned quickly he did Chrissy, small bumps to stay awake, I was taken aback, in shock, thought 'oh, that's a bit intense'. We ended up shagging, and I tried it; wasn't a profound experience.. nothing could ever top my first time hitting Mary Jane as a teenager, or my first "roll", but it was, well, Highlander-ish, I guess. It's not even a high, more of a rush, like slamming back a shot of Fireball. When he visited the west coast I would do it with him but found that it's intense effects made me feel very pensive after a while, so I never learned to love it.
This guy was living in Miami, I was living in Cali. After a year or so of staying connected, I moved to be with him. I'm in the nightlife doing music, I don't have a 9-5, nor do I have the desire, but I know that a part of me would want to engage in my community had I been somewhere besides this vacuous city; or am I shutting myself out of a world that's discoverable if I make an effort?... about 3 days in moving here, the thrill of moving to a new location made its reverberated fade into silence and I would then sink into a very deep depression; and this mood overlapped the Orlando Massacre, making my whole entire world feel so STRANGE. Since then, I've progressed step-by-step with my musical endeavors, but the Crystal use increased. It snuck up on me... and I am not sure if I am naturally incapable of 'vibing' in a city like Miami; a city where road rage is seamless behavior that everyone joins in on, every person is an anomalous, inebriated version of them self, the air stings with the feeling of naivete & doubt coated with glitz; skin deep and sad; victorian homes bulldozed for the next condominium. It's hard to think coherently because it's so hot, or you're so spun or both. The beautiful men/women (whichever the wind sets your sail to) are horny, looking for casual sex, and that's the one thing that will keep you glued if there was any reason to be here at all.
Before I start rambling, I was doing 'dashes', can't do a rail in one sitting, and eventually went to the ghastly pipe, which according to the man that introduced me to this stuff, "changes you. you become different".. and while that might be true he pretty much invalidates the power of the drug itself.
As far as I'm concerned, my teeth are in perfectly fine shape, I've progressed in my music career faster than I had anticipated, but I still feel 'empty' and 'untrusting' of the people around me... However, I have been under depression's hypnosis since I was a kid. SO my worst 'crashes' don't even match up to my lows as a child and the loss I experienced 2 years ago. I wanna quit, because I think it's killing me, or it magnifies my innate depressive symptoms. My crashes aren't unbearable, I just become brattish.. like upset that I don't have it, and that whatever is preventing me from getting it faster is a nuisance to me,,, but I could never imagine the very thought of being violent towards people I love or people in general... I am still as empathetic and caring as I was when it wasn't on my daily lunch menu. I moved out but not too far from my guys place, thinking that our lifestyles were making us be around each other too much, and I look at him with so much sadness knowing how much he loves me and how I can't be the person to reciprocate that unconditional love////I want to feel 'happy' again but I have always have this feeling of severe uncertainty (anxiety they call it) and the drug is neither here nor there but kind of preventing me from taking a risk to evolve a little more.
Does anyone have similar stories to share? I feel less addicted but more morally conflicted. Many people I know that smoke are emotionally sensitive people like me, and have experienced some sort of adverse event in their lives that was never the causation of their use in the first place. I've always hated alcohol, hated pot after age 18, felt sick the 2 times I tried opiates, but I do like my nicotine and get the 'frenzy' feeling where you can't find your keys/wallet when I need a hit. Thank you all for reading!