Addiction and the knock on effect

[elgoucho9]

So like the rest of us. I try to do my best. Practice harm reduction. However to achieve this mostly i have to avoid everyone.

Put a bag of cocaine infront of me and its like cryptonite. I know it will negatively effect me and everyone around me. Years of addiction has cost me so much in life. I have lost everything. Relationships, enough money for a house, friends, even trust of family. I have had so muxh stress anguish and drama from addiction. I have attempted suicide over it to make others lives easier.i've hung around the worse of the worst. I've done bad things myself. I brought hurt and shame to all who knew me.

Yet today i receive wrong order 3.5 of clean flake. I immediately told family and gave 2- 2.5 to them. Washed the rest. Lovely quality rock, clean euphoric but i hate myself for this disgusting habit and all the trauma it has brought me and the hurt it caused everyone around me. I lost everyones faith and trust cos of it.

 

[Bleaney]

A one off relapse isn't such a terrible thing, especially through the circumstances that yours happened with, and I wouldn't beat myself up over it.

It's only when they happen repeatedly to the point of becoming a regular habit again that it becomes an issue that needs addressing.

I dunno if you've ever read or listed to Atomic Habits on audiobook but it's an amazingly useful, relatable, and practical guide for helping to drop bad habits and to start good habits and keep them going.

It's one of the best 'self help' books I've ever read. Many have been so boring or obvious or dated so as to be useless. Not this one, it really connected with me. As with many other people.

I'm still making the same mistakes, but not to the same extent, and not so often, and I have implimented more good habits since listening to that book and trying to remember the important points from that book helps a lot. Although I still sometimes forget and make the same old mistakes, but when some of the nuggets from that book make their way to my consciousness it helps a lot.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

yeah - freebase cocaine is the devil - I know only too fucking well man trust. A shit, pointless, soul-crushing, gratuitous waste of life. Even when it's top top quality, it's still only 'good' for one hour, two at very most. And then ever diminishing returns as you age. When it's over, it aint coming back. Thje damage that shit causes is brutal af.

Tbh, sounds like you need a total lifestyle change, in your 30's living with the olds for too long aint gonna help on many levels (although yeah, the security can help, but the co-dependence is a growth-killer and invitation to stagnancy...which can then be a drug use catalyst in itself, and the impact on self esteem etc). Struggling to be ok with a dad giving his kid coke age 12 too ngl, trying damn hard not to judge but seems fukking unnatural to me (and I have shared drugs with my kids...not when they were 12 though and not life-destroying class a's . wtf.

boring shit is grounding - work/rent/study/fitness/diet etc, but you know all this I know. but it's what could really help. Also a proper commitment to meditation. Don't wax lyrical about it until you've done 6 months daily practice, minimum. I've seen plenty turn worse scenarios round , partially or totally, at much older ages and worse scenarios. Don;t rule it out for a second. You cannot tell the future. Change is inevitable, 'good' or 'bad' but those are merely constructs anyway

Same for you @Jnowhere . You too. Even in your grim situation. It can improve. Don;t hit me with the woe-is-me now or a list of your misfortune - I've read it all and I guess most of the site have now. I don;pt read your stuff anymore as I already knoe what you're gonna say! I tell you what though - fuck all will improve with your attitiude and your selftalk. We know, life is not fucking fair. Matbe soften your heart a little and that could be a way to feel even very slightly better. Bitterness just eats your soul, take a holiday from it maybe, good luck to you.

Sorry about that diversion @elgoucho9, back to you now....mainly though your posts scream "I need to ditch my social circle entirely" to me. Sounds toxic and impossible to thrive in. Environment is, almost, everything. Don't buy drugs for your mates and then you won't be sent the wrong ones will ya? These situations keep happenning but it's not in a vacuum is it? You're putting yourself in them , directly or otherwise. Own it mate, all best always

I'm not unsympathetic - but sympathy is not what you need at all. You gotta change this yourself

EDIT and btw, you have not fucked everything up per se for ever

 

[elgoucho9]

Whatever bro. We are all different. If you were in fear for your life. People threatened your mother dog. Then what would you do?

Everytime its a lecture. I aint interested. We all move different.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Whatever bro. We are all different. If you were in fear for your life. People threatened your mother dog. Then what would you do?

Everytime its a lecture. I aint interested. We all move different.

aaha, no worries, I likely won't take the time or make the effort in future though. Looking in the mirror is challenging i get it

if you can't see it's coming from a good place I can't help you - what do you want from this thread? there there?really?

"We don;t see things as they are - we see things as we are"

And you often see attack/disrespect etc where there is none, which I know can be very difficult to perceive/feel. So i won't take your digs personally, and I'm aware you're coming off a crack day. G'nite.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

Are you talking to Bleany or me, about the post I deleted 5-10 minutes ago?

he's addressing me, don't stress yourself

 

[Jnowhere]

yeah - freebase cocaine is the devil - I know only too fucking well man trust. A shit, pointless, soul-crushing, gratuitous waste of life. Even when it's top top quality, it's still only 'good' for one hour, two at very most. And then ever diminishing returns as you age. When it's over, it aint coming back. Thje damage that shit causes is brutal af.

Tbh, sounds like you need a total lifestyle change, in your 30's living with the olds for too long aint gonna help on many levels (although yeah, the security can help, but the co-dependence is a growth-killer and invitation to stagnancy...which can then be a drug use catalyst in itself, and the impact on self esteem etc). Struggling to be ok with a dad giving his kid coke age 12 too ngl, trying damn hard not to judge but seems fukking unnatural to me (and I have shared drugs with my kids...not when they were 12 though and not life-destroying class a's . wtf.

boring shit is grounding - work/rent/study/fitness/diet etc, but you know all this I know. but it's what could really help. Also a proper commitment to meditation. Don't wax lyrical about it until you've done 6 months daily practice, minimum. I've seen plenty turn worse scenarios round , partially or totally, at much older ages and worse scenarios. Don;t rule it out for a second. You cannot tell the future. Change is inevitable, 'good' or 'bad' but those are merely constructs anyway

Same for you @Jnowhere . You too. Even in your grim situation. It can improve. Don;t hit me with the woe-is-me now or a list of your misfortune - I've read it all and I guess most of the site have now. I don;pt read your stuff anymore as I already knoe what you're gonna say! I tell you what though - fuck all will improve with your attitiude and your selftalk. We know, life is not fucking fair. Matbe soften your heart a little and that could be a way to feel even very slightly better. Bitterness just eats your soul, take a holiday from it maybe, good luck to you.

Sorry about that diversion @elgoucho9, back to you now....mainly though your posts scream "I need to ditch my social circle entirely" to me. Sounds toxic and impossible to thrive in. Environment is, almost, everything. Don't buy drugs for your mates and then you won't be sent the wrong ones will ya? These situations keep happenning but it's not in a vacuum is it? You're putting yourself in them , directly or otherwise. Own it mate, all best always

I'm not unsympathetic - but sympathy is not what you need at all. You gotta change this yourself

EDIT and btw, you have not fucked everything up per se for ever

You don't know shit, I blame myself but I never ever talk about even 1/10 of the shit in my past or the shit that I went through, I keep all really bad things to myself. So get off your high horse. Because there are limits to what I share, besides, I only bitch when I am in physical pain. It takes my mind off of the fact, I am dying and severely and under medicated for the pain I am in. Physical pain. It is because of all the damn politicians and drug abusers I cannot get pain relief.
You and everyone who has read my posts knows a lot less than think about me. And there is no woe is me, except me bitching about the politicians in the blue state I live in and a Democrat governor who thinks it's OK to limit a person in agony, who has a tolerance, when over 112,000 people died from illegal fentanyl last year. The current administration answer, go after doctors and open up the Mexican boarder. 1/8 the maximum amount recommended of oxycodone is all I get. After years, one builds a tolerance. Imprison doctors.
You attack me because I do not walk in lock step with your narrow, arrogant views. You and those like you only see things through a narrow holier than view and only see things through your own blind eyes.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

You don't know shit, I blame myself but I never ever talk about even 1/10 of the shit in my past or the shit that I went through, I keep all really bad things to myself. So get off your high horse. Because there are limits to what I share, besides, I only bitch when I am in physical pain. It takes my mind off of the fact, I am dying and severely and under medicated for the pain I am in. Physical pain. It is because of all the damn politicians and drug abusers I cannot get pain relief.
You and everyone who has read my posts knows a lot less than think about me. And there is no woe is me, except me bitching about the politicians in the blue state I live in and a Democrat governor who thinks it's OK to limit a person in agony, who has a tolerance, when over 112,000 people died from illegal fentanyl last year. The current administration answer, go after doctors and open up the Mexican boarder. 1/8 the maximum amount recommended of oxycodone is all I get. After years, one builds a tolerance. Imprison doctors.
You attack me because I do not walk in lock step with your narrow, arrogant views. You and those like you only see things through a narrow holier than view and only see things through your own blind eyes.

ok mate, be well, our situations are not that different in some ways - you know little of me too, and you're the first person to call me narrow-minded in, well, ever - so congrats!

Focus on all the bad shit all the time just brings us down, there's no doubt about that - I have to try stop myself from doing it a lot. I'll just leave you by quoting last 2 lines of my post to you, the terrible, unempathic invitation to

"Maybe soften your heart a little and that could be a way to feel even very slightly better. Bitterness just eats your soul, take a holiday from it maybe, good luck to you."