To start, know that you are not alone.
I thought it was too late for me too, though our situations are different.
I became dependent on benzos, specifically fluroaprazolam (FLUALP) which I would take for sleep and also to lessen my alcohol consumption. Flualp seemed great at first because the main effects would last about 8 hours which was perfect because I could use it to sleep and not be too groggy and still go to work and function. It was also insanely cheap I think I got a gram for like $75 which is approx 4000 doses. It's a very powerful compound.
About a year in, I got to a point where within 24 hours of not dosing I would become extremely anxious and twitchy though as far as I know I never had any seizures because I would immediately re-dose. My tolerance also steadily increased. Started around 200ug and in the end it was more like 600-750ug. In my head I would say "Its not the worst thing to be a lifelong benzo user". I realized I wasn't a true addict, I was physically dependent. I never craved nor sought the effects as much as I just needed to not feel like I was going to die.
It really became a huge issue when I lost a gf/lover over it. I also realized my dependence was preventing me from ever travelling even though travelling is possibly my favorite thing to do in the world. I was scared that I would not be able to dose and die or have seizures on the road.
After so many blackouts and stupid actions I probably would have never done, I decided that I had to get off before it killed me some way or another.
At first, I started to let my close friends know my problem, and one of the first suggestions was to taper off using a much milder but longer lasting benzo. FLUAP, being so short would give me terrible and acute withdraw problems. I was given a small amount of diclazepam I believe it was called, but I found it way too bright and non-sedating it just would not put me to sleep and almost had slight stimulant effects on me. I went through the 100mg or whatever it was, maybe I wasn't taking it seriously enough, but I ultimately ended back on the Flualp.
Started to really take it seriously after I quit my job spontaneously. And come to think of it, the job was itself part of the problem. It was extremely stressful and also dangerous work. So I quit my job and decided to either put myself in rehab or something. Well looking at the rehab options and my wallet, I realized that was not going to be an option for me.
I decided that I would go travel and be stress free and be loved. First I'd fly to LA to see first my best friend and then later my mom in hawaii, who I hadn't seen in about 5 years. I begged a friend for some other longlaster and was given a very small amount of norfluorazepam and also flubromazolam? I started to use the norfluorzepam which has a halflife of 3 days, and it also did provide me the sedation that was necessary for sleep. It was also warm and fuzzy and didn't completely destroy my decision making (Like say clonazolam). I did use it pretty responsibly every 3rd day. I would drink to help me to sleep.
As I prepared for my travels and my norfluorazepam was dwindingling, I made 10 or so 10mg packets of the bromazolam that I intented to taper with while I was travelling. I figured each packet I could dissolve in liquid and volumetrically dose so I didn't black myself out for 4 days.
I got on a flight to go spend time with my best friend. It had been about 15 days since I had taken the FLUALP which was pretty good for me so I had already started my taper essentially.
I got to my friends, and one of the first things I did was to talk with a drug counselor about the best way I could taper. He was already impressed with what I had done and he told me that medically speaking, I would probably be ok. That gave me a lot of confidence. Regardless we worked out a taper plan which I was expected to keep. I gave my homie the benzos and the plan. Later that night we went out to a concert. I'd been planning on taking my first dose of the flubromazolam that same night.
We went out to the show and eventually I ate some MDMA and attracted the attention of an 18 year old girl who I later found out was absolutely brilliant. She was just getting into the (drug) scene and my friend developed some sort of weird paternal instinct over her. After the awesome show, me my friend, the girl and her 2 friends drove all over LA at 3 in the morning to find some very specific tacos which were meh. One of the girls lived in Malibu (Fancy eh?) and we drove them back to some crazy mansion. 2 of the 3 girls immediately went to sleep and me and my friend decided for the ride we would drink their entire bar. The younger girl stayed up with us. Then the mushroom chocolates came. We just took little nibbles but everything was hilarious. We shouldn't have but we hopped back in the car and drove to downtown malibu to find some breakfast. We were definitley tripping and probably a little drunk. We found some bougie breakfast place, and heckled all the rich people. It was a blast.
We'd ran out of mushrooms though, so we made the decision to drive back to LA to my homies house. We got there and proceeded to eat mushrooms for a legit 48 hours straight. We were tripping balls. To make a long story short, I eventually went to sleep. And when I woke up I decided to stop cold turkey. Me and my best friend made a little ceremony and we flushed the benzos.
Since then, I have taken a benzo here and there, but i would still do stupid shit so I haven't touched them for many months at this point.
I know valium is a completely different animal so youll have to find whats best way for you. I say don't give up. Just be very careful with whatever path you choose to take.
