Well, for my first (non-introductory) post on here, I wanted to talk about the hand I've been playing for the better part of 6 or 7 years.
I've been prescribed Adderall for years for legitimate ADHD, and it's always worked wonders on my attentiveness, motivation, etc. My problem lies in the fact that I've always had a terribly addictive inclination/personality, probably owing to both of my parents' former addictions. Since I was first prescribed it, I've been abusing it. It started out just snorting it every now and then, progressed to taking quite a bit more than I needed to help me clean, do HW, etc., and then to a point of recklessly taking it using several different ROAs. I've even IVd it (only once - I didn't untie after registering & shooting, ended up blacking out COLD from the sight of blood spurting out of my hand).
In addition to the Adderall, I've tried a multitude of other substances, most notably opiates. I have a sweet spot for hydrocodone, which has always been difficult to balance, but that's for another post. My point being that my poly-drug use has always been problematic and reflective of just how difficult it is for me to be completely sober of everything.
As far as the Adderall goes, I'm definitely past a point where I'm questioning my use with it. It's become so much more than just taking it when I need to cram or get stuff done. I physically need it every single day. I experience an intense period of withdrawal when I don't take it. I have a pretty high tolerance for it, and redosing is invariably something that is always difficult for me, despite the zero euphoria I get from it after this long. Currently I'm a week's worth of Adderall short this script for precisely that reason. I used to pull all-nighters binging on it; I'd clean & get shit done during the night, take some more & go to school, then come home and craaaash with the help of some herb and Xanax. I've used it to cope with a lot of emotional issues as well, especially during the times where my depression would relapse.
I know that what I'm doing isn't healthy, but I've always been hesitant to do anything about it. A lot of this comes from the fact that I don't feel like it's worthy of being named an "addiction." Amphetamine is certainly not the most euphoric or addictive drug out there, and sometimes when I look at my best friend who's seriously hooked on oxy I feel guilt or like it's unfair to call what I have an addiction. This is why I haven't reached out to anyone or even considered myself an addict, I always feel like it could be worse. After all, addiction to Adderall isn't exactly as common or as devastating as addiction to opiates, other substituted amps, benzos, etc.
I don't know what to do at this point. Even if what I have is considered a problem, I'm terrified about getting clean. I got taken off of it once for a year after it came to light that I was abusing it. My grades plummeted and I gained over 80lbs. I switched drs and sweet-talked my way to getting my script back. After a continuing battle with self-harm and eating disorders I managed to lose all the weight, but it terrifies me more than anything to gain all of it back. I'm not sure if I even want to get clean, or how I'd go about doing it (inpatient therapy, attending meetings, ...). I was hoping you guys could share your own experiences, give me some insight, just something to help me put things into perspective. I'd greatly appreciate it, and sorry for the length, I'm still pretty geeked out. 8(
I've been prescribed Adderall for years for legitimate ADHD, and it's always worked wonders on my attentiveness, motivation, etc. My problem lies in the fact that I've always had a terribly addictive inclination/personality, probably owing to both of my parents' former addictions. Since I was first prescribed it, I've been abusing it. It started out just snorting it every now and then, progressed to taking quite a bit more than I needed to help me clean, do HW, etc., and then to a point of recklessly taking it using several different ROAs. I've even IVd it (only once - I didn't untie after registering & shooting, ended up blacking out COLD from the sight of blood spurting out of my hand).
In addition to the Adderall, I've tried a multitude of other substances, most notably opiates. I have a sweet spot for hydrocodone, which has always been difficult to balance, but that's for another post. My point being that my poly-drug use has always been problematic and reflective of just how difficult it is for me to be completely sober of everything.
As far as the Adderall goes, I'm definitely past a point where I'm questioning my use with it. It's become so much more than just taking it when I need to cram or get stuff done. I physically need it every single day. I experience an intense period of withdrawal when I don't take it. I have a pretty high tolerance for it, and redosing is invariably something that is always difficult for me, despite the zero euphoria I get from it after this long. Currently I'm a week's worth of Adderall short this script for precisely that reason. I used to pull all-nighters binging on it; I'd clean & get shit done during the night, take some more & go to school, then come home and craaaash with the help of some herb and Xanax. I've used it to cope with a lot of emotional issues as well, especially during the times where my depression would relapse.
I know that what I'm doing isn't healthy, but I've always been hesitant to do anything about it. A lot of this comes from the fact that I don't feel like it's worthy of being named an "addiction." Amphetamine is certainly not the most euphoric or addictive drug out there, and sometimes when I look at my best friend who's seriously hooked on oxy I feel guilt or like it's unfair to call what I have an addiction. This is why I haven't reached out to anyone or even considered myself an addict, I always feel like it could be worse. After all, addiction to Adderall isn't exactly as common or as devastating as addiction to opiates, other substituted amps, benzos, etc.
I don't know what to do at this point. Even if what I have is considered a problem, I'm terrified about getting clean. I got taken off of it once for a year after it came to light that I was abusing it. My grades plummeted and I gained over 80lbs. I switched drs and sweet-talked my way to getting my script back. After a continuing battle with self-harm and eating disorders I managed to lose all the weight, but it terrifies me more than anything to gain all of it back. I'm not sure if I even want to get clean, or how I'd go about doing it (inpatient therapy, attending meetings, ...). I was hoping you guys could share your own experiences, give me some insight, just something to help me put things into perspective. I'd greatly appreciate it, and sorry for the length, I'm still pretty geeked out. 8(