abused mdma. need some answers pls

[yar0nin]

hi first of all lemme say thank you for taking the time to read this.

lemme give you some back story to the situation. i started rolling in 2010. i rolled for appx 6 months, took about 30 to maybe 50 pills in total. spaced it at 2 weeks at a time, towards the end of my binge i would not feel the euphoric high just the body high (kinda tweaked out feeling). suffered all the problems afterwards deppresion, panic attacks, social anxiety, short/ long term memory problems, depersonalization, mind fogs, fatigue, pretty much went through hell. smoked weed a couple times after but it amplified my anxiey so much. ive been completely clean since dec 2010 except for a couple time that i tried to reverse the effects by rolling again. yeah sounds stupid but i thought i had ptsd and taking mdma in a controlled environment would help me get through it.

well now 2 1/2 years later. im still going through some stuff. significantly better than the beginning but its still very evident that somethings are still wrong. i still feel very detached from myself. (dp/r, hppd maybe?). my personality never came back, still pretty awkward in social situations and just generally not myself that i knew. pretty dead inside. ive dedicated my life to recovering from what i did to myself, i workout everyday, eat healthy, i take piracetam everyday, with fish oil, vit b complex, and vit d for the fatigue and feeling weak.

i fight to become myself again because its the only life i have and i want it to be the best one i could have; but i dont know how far the extent of recovery will go. i realize that i disturbed my body equilibrium but ingesting man made chemicals, and i was hoping by eating healthy and having a generally healthy lifestyle my body would go back to its natural function.

my question is would the damaged neurotransmitter start up again? are the damaged axons/ neurotransmitters permanently destroyed after this much abuse?

k i cant think of anything else. i had more questions but ill just add it twhen i remember what they were.

again thank you for taking the time to read this

 

[cryptix420]

You sound pretty on track as far as physical health, and taking piracetam is definitely a good idea too. I prefer aniracetam myself though.

What is your life like? Emotional/Spiritual health are equally as important as the physical. Perhaps try to do more emotional exercise, like by calling friends & going out/hanging out, dating, etc. Meditation is my favorite form of spiritual exercise...it truly is healing. Not many people take the time to 'stop and think' these days.

 

[coolzmoker]

yar0nin, nothing is impossible It's your own brain. The imbalance in neurochemistry makes you more likely to have certain negative thoughts, and because you didn't catch it in time it was allowed to deteriorate. But it sounds like it's stabilized now, and all you need to do now is work your way back. It is truly something you can work on, and I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't return to normal - and actually even be better off for the experience. I had a period in my life with panic attacks and anxiety, but now that I know what it's like I don't feel like I could have panic attacks again. They're so recognizable.

First thing you need is to get comfortable with your thoughts and emotions. They're your own, and they're not bad. It's your own mind, you choose what you want and what you don't want. As soon as you're comfortable with your emotions you can realize which ones are not worth spending time on, and ignore them. It's only when you're afraid of thoughts / feelings or don't feel confident you can leave them out that they will be difficult to let go.

Learn to recognize when anxiety peeps out, even in it's smallest form. And whenever that happens, just try not to spend energy on it at all, and do something else. Don't invest in this thought, cause your mind will think it was the correct response then, and you will be having it again sometime soon. It can be tempting to get carried away and panic over thoughts like "I've done this to myself and now it might not get back to normal", but actually what you need to do there is just say "it's happened. Being scared is counter productive. What can I actually do instead?". It's hard to explain the exact attitude it takes, but it's really about not indulging in anxious thoughts. If you have an anxious feeling, don't get into it and check to be sure it's okay. Just tell yourself it's your anxious brain obsessing. The more you think in certain thought patterns, the more they will re-occur. So if you just stop investing in nervous thought patterns, they will go away naturally.

Do you understand? It's not that easy, but it's doable. In summation, the correct attitude is to calmy and confidently dismiss your brain if it tries to tell you something's wrong and you can tell it's just faulty. You can learn to do this. You're not forced to have any thoughts, you can only be forced if you're afraid of them. Then they will reoccur because you constantly check if you're thinking them and make all your life about it. Make it as small a part of your life as you can. Think of it as some faulty wiring, that you're in the process of fixing Never think "what if I can't fix it" and all those things... That's anxiety too. It will fix itself if you teach your brain that anxiety is the wrong response.

I've had personality crisis' most of my life, but once you find who YOU truly are, most of your problems with awkwardness in social situations will subside. Find a way to be at peace with who you are. What YOU'RE good at, why people should like you and so on. I'm sure there will be plenty of reasons for liking you, and if there's not... Well, simple problem. If you find humor is a problem, funny is not necessary. Just be a good trustworthy friend. Find something you think is interesting. And if other people don't find that interesting, then you're just not a match. Happens all the time.

It's funny, cause being around my friends on MDMA has actually taught me how to be more real and less socially awkward. I'll be you have a lot of misconceptions about what social interaction means right now. At the bottom of it, if YOU don't think it's weird, why the fuck should you care if others do. And most likely they wont. Also, being in your position right now you will have a tendency to interpret things people say/do/express in the most negative way. This struck me on psychedelics, because I was really misinterpreting a lot on that. Realize that what you're reading as something negative could just be your anxiety, and almost always is.

You'll be fine man And if you need to talk sometime down the road, just chat me up

 

[Darksidesam]

Hello yar0nin,

I'm glad you found bluelight.
Anyway I have a few ideas and a few things you might want to try to help ease some of your symptoms.
I would say that Time is going to be your biggest healer, but there are of course other things you can be doing for the time being.

1. High Tryptophan Diet
? Dark Chocolate (60% cocoa minimum) Do not consume this within 2-3 days of taking mdma. + Do Not consume more than 25g a day. ? Im not 100% sure on the Dark Chocolate for you though as it may worsen your anxiety.
Chicken
Turkey
Milk (A nice warm cup/glass of milk near bedtime will help you sleep also)
Tuna
High omega 3 foods that increase serotonin like wild salmon, sardines or Mackerel
High Quality Eggs
Cheese
Bananas (Best to eat when fresh, higher starch content, less sugar)
Whey protein (Like that in protein shakes)
Sour Cherries - Raises Serotonin levels + Melotonin , Helps you sleep. (Good for after your experience)
Free Range Beef
Asparagus
Avocado
Pecans
Pineapple
Eggplant
Spinach
Walnuts
Roasted pumpkin seeds
dry sunflower seeds
Oats - Could even be a nice bowl of porridge .. yumm
Kidney beans

Also make sure that you eat Starches/carbohydrates with those, as what happens then is that Tryptophan then gets put first in line for conversion, thus becoming 5-HTP then finally becoming Serotonin, only with of course Sunlight and Exercise
Exercise is going to be one of your biggest aids in recovery, as it promotes new axon growth, and will help your body to re uptake more serotonin and basically work more normally, as it should.

As for the anxiety, there are a few different things you can try here.
You can try and cut out the Caffeine content in your diet, as well as lowering your sugar intake.

Other herbs that i have found to help with this are Valerian Root, Camomile and Papaver Rhoeas.
Also Green tea and Vitamin C should help you.

I hope that you do start to feel better, as you can see that mdma isnt safe in mass quantities. Remember, the dose is the poison.

However the human body and brain is quite a remarkable thing and can fight off many things that we throw at it, including addictions and drug abuse.

Lastly, if you choose to smoke cannabis, go for an Indica strain. They are known to be less anxiety ridden.
Good luck, and feel free to PM me for any more help.

 

[anothernewparadigm]

This is a very useful thread for the diet information thanks Darksidesam

I was just wondering if anyone has any preferred foods to take to festivals that can achieve the same? Bearing in mind they would be stored in a tent for a few days, obviously no refrigeration, I can't think of too many that would travel and stay good for that long...

I know this is very much a case of personal preference for foods that you like, would be good to get some ideas though

 

[lettucelive]

yar0nin, nothing is impossible It's your own brain. The imbalance in neurochemistry makes you more likely to have certain negative thoughts, and because you didn't catch it in time it was allowed to deteriorate. But it sounds like it's stabilized now, and all you need to do now is work your way back. It is truly something you can work on, and I find it hard to believe that you wouldn't return to normal - and actually even be better off for the experience. I had a period in my life with panic attacks and anxiety, but now that I know what it's like I don't feel like I could have panic attacks again. They're so recognizable.

First thing you need is to get comfortable with your thoughts and emotions. They're your own, and they're not bad. It's your own mind, you choose what you want and what you don't want. As soon as you're comfortable with your emotions you can realize which ones are not worth spending time on, and ignore them. It's only when you're afraid of thoughts / feelings or don't feel confident you can leave them out that they will be difficult to let go.

Learn to recognize when anxiety peeps out, even in it's smallest form. And whenever that happens, just try not to spend energy on it at all, and do something else. Don't invest in this thought, cause your mind will think it was the correct response then, and you will be having it again sometime soon. It can be tempting to get carried away and panic over thoughts like "I've done this to myself and now it might not get back to normal", but actually what you need to do there is just say "it's happened. Being scared is counter productive. What can I actually do instead?". It's hard to explain the exact attitude it takes, but it's really about not indulging in anxious thoughts. If you have an anxious feeling, don't get into it and check to be sure it's okay. Just tell yourself it's your anxious brain obsessing. The more you think in certain thought patterns, the more they will re-occur. So if you just stop investing in nervous thought patterns, they will go away naturally.

Do you understand? It's not that easy, but it's doable. In summation, the correct attitude is to calmy and confidently dismiss your brain if it tries to tell you something's wrong and you can tell it's just faulty. You can learn to do this. You're not forced to have any thoughts, you can only be forced if you're afraid of them. Then they will reoccur because you constantly check if you're thinking them and make all your life about it. Make it as small a part of your life as you can. Think of it as some faulty wiring, that you're in the process of fixing Never think "what if I can't fix it" and all those things... That's anxiety too. It will fix itself if you teach your brain that anxiety is the wrong response.

I've had personality crisis' most of my life, but once you find who YOU truly are, most of your problems with awkwardness in social situations will subside. Find a way to be at peace with who you are. What YOU'RE good at, why people should like you and so on. I'm sure there will be plenty of reasons for liking you, and if there's not... Well, simple problem. If you find humor is a problem, funny is not necessary. Just be a good trustworthy friend. Find something you think is interesting. And if other people don't find that interesting, then you're just not a match. Happens all the time.

It's funny, cause being around my friends on MDMA has actually taught me how to be more real and less socially awkward. I'll be you have a lot of misconceptions about what social interaction means right now. At the bottom of it, if YOU don't think it's weird, why the fuck should you care if others do. And most likely they wont. Also, being in your position right now you will have a tendency to interpret things people say/do/express in the most negative way. This struck me on psychedelics, because I was really misinterpreting a lot on that. Realize that what you're reading as something negative could just be your anxiety, and almost always is.

You'll be fine man And if you need to talk sometime down the road, just chat me up

What you discribed is exactly how I've been feeling for months. I feel stuck

 

[Adam44155]

hi first of all lemme say thank you for taking the time to read this.

lemme give you some back story to the situation. i started rolling in 2010. i rolled for appx 6 months, took about 30 to maybe 50 pills in total. spaced it at 2 weeks at a time, towards the end of my binge i would not feel the euphoric high just the body high (kinda tweaked out feeling). suffered all the problems afterwards deppresion, panic attacks, social anxiety, short/ long term memory problems, depersonalization, mind fogs, fatigue, pretty much went through hell. smoked weed a couple times after but it amplified my anxiey so much. ive been completely clean since dec 2010 except for a couple time that i tried to reverse the effects by rolling again. yeah sounds stupid but i thought i had ptsd and taking mdma in a controlled environment would help me get through it.

well now 2 1/2 years later. im still going through some stuff. significantly better than the beginning but its still very evident that somethings are still wrong. i still feel very detached from myself. (dp/r, hppd maybe?). my personality never came back, still pretty awkward in social situations and just generally not myself that i knew. pretty dead inside. ive dedicated my life to recovering from what i did to myself, i workout everyday, eat healthy, i take piracetam everyday, with fish oil, vit b complex, and vit d for the fatigue and feeling weak.

i fight to become myself again because its the only life i have and i want it to be the best one i could have; but i dont know how far the extent of recovery will go. i realize that i disturbed my body equilibrium but ingesting man made chemicals, and i was hoping by eating healthy and having a generally healthy lifestyle my body would go back to its natural function.

my question is would the damaged neurotransmitter start up again? are the damaged axons/ neurotransmitters permanently destroyed after this much abuse?

k i cant think of anything else. i had more questions but ill just add it twhen i remember what they were.

again thank you for taking the time to read this

How are you now I still feel horrible I've seen hardly any improvement it's been 1 year 8 months I still have panic attacks daily your the first person I've found whos had a long ltc

 

[epic11]

How are you now I still feel horrible I've seen hardly any improvement it's been 1 year 8 months I still have panic attacks daily your the first person I've found whos had a long ltc

I find it interesting that this is the only post you have found (from 2012) of people speaking of a long term comedown. Theres a highly active thread right on page one!! Best of luck, try a clean diet!!

 

[Adam44155]

I find it interesting that this is the only post you have found (from 2012) of people speaking of a long term comedown. Theres a highly active thread right on page one!! Best of luck, try a clean diet!!

I founds loads but only ones where people fully recovered about 2 years at the most it's almost been that for me and I don't think I've 50% recovered yet I've read his other post from 2016 saying it taken him 6 years to recover

 

[epic11]

I founds loads but only ones where people fully recovered about 2 years at the most it's almost been that for me and I don't think I've 50% recovered yet I've read his other post from 2016 saying it taken him 6 years to recover

Thanks for explaining. Im sure someone will have some more insight for you here.